Mum not going to "bother" getting hair done for my wedding

[namechangedforthisaibu]

Just name changed for this as I don't know what to think about it. My wedding is coming up and my mum planned to have her hair done and now she is saying she isn't going to bother.

She is saying because of covid and stuff she doesn't want to be sat in the hairdressers too long. But she still goes shopping and does everything as normal.

I don't want to sound mean as I love my mum to bits and I do everything for her. But her hair looks terrible! It has thinned terribly at the back so she has a patch of skin with no hair on at the back. She still has her hair round the sides so she tries to pull it over the bald spot and puts it in a tiny bobble. Her hair is very very very short.

I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and my mum just doesn't look good.

I hope this doesn't sound horrible I'm just trying to be honest.

Oh honey, someday this will be you. Do you want your future daughter or son to be so worried about how you look at the wedding or would you rather that they love you being there with them however you look.

Please don't give the message to your poor mum that how she looks is more important than how you feel about her. If she worries about it but doesn't want to go just assure her that she looks great and you are so excited about sharing the day with her.

Apologies, OP, if what I said came across as strong or uncaring - but it did sound from your title and OP that it was all about you and that she was going to disappoint or embarrass you.

You love your Mum dearly and know her very well, so if she co9uld use a little loving encouragement and support to do what she herself really wants for your special family day, I wish you both the very best

My mum lost her hair to chemotherapy and died before I got married. Get a grip and rethink your priorities. I would give anything to have my mum, bald or otherwise, in my wedding photos.

I bet half these posters don't have afro hair. Honestly you haven't a clue!

With afro hair it doesn't look right if you just bun your up it's not like having English hair. Plenty of white people can just rush out of the door and quickly bun their hair up but this is not the case with afro hair at all.

I also have afro hair, has the bald patch come about by too much braiding or just naturally thinned? A wig sounds like a good idea! Could you gently just suggest a wig and just say you don't want her to look back and be upset about her hair? It doesn't sound horrible, as much as it's your day, it's also an important day for mums and she probably will be gutted if she looks back and forever wishes she'd styled her hair!

@HotPeppasauce2 I probably should have posted in the blackmumsnetters topics.

I only suggested you accept her as she is because she hasn’t booked a hairdresser’s appointment so I assumed she didn’t want to go and you can’t really force her. I wasn’t implying you don’t like your mum. There’s just not much point getting stressed about it if she is refusing to get it fixed.

@Odile13 yep can't stand my mum and I definitely don't accept her for who she is! How did you know??

Sounds like a good wig would do the trick.

Dear God. I hope one day you look back at this and feel deeply ashamed of yourself. Your poor mum! You’re just concerned about how she’s going to look in your photos?! Unbelievable.

Yes you do sound horrible.

No one will be looking at her hair anyway.

I don’t know why your getting such a hard time OP. Some may think this is a vanity issue but a women’s hair can be a source of pride and confidence. Many women suffer hair loss and it really impacts on their mental health. Nurses talk about ‘activities of living’ and sexuality. Hair is a part of that and boosts self-esteem and confidence. It’s really important and many women suffer hair loss due to ageing, chemo or medical problems like trichotillomania or alopecia. I think you could take your mum to a local hairdresser to look at wigs or a hair replacement system. And for the rest of you who scorn the OP, behave yourself and be kind for goodness sake.

Good God, OP. If your mother wants her hair done, she'll get it done. If she wants to wear a wig, she'll get one. If she wants to change her haircare regimen, she'll change it. If she doesn't want to do any of those things, it's no concern of yours.

@namechangedforthisaibu I’m sorry OP, I’ll step away now. I genuinely didn’t mean to be rude in any way. I think my tone hasn’t come across well. I just meant not to worry about things you can’t control. Good luck with it.

It sounds more like she is self conscious and worried about it so is preferring to avoid it completely rather than face it.

Go gently and it sounds like giving her support and making it a good experience will help. I know you will have a lot on but sounds like she needs the hand hold and gentle encouragement. Make sure you find a gentle caring hairdresser.
My god mother was the same.

Take her hat or wig shopping. Make a day of it if you can, and buy the hat or wig for her. Something that she likes a lot and that she’ll wear again.

My mum has no hair on her head at all. I don't care what she looks like, she's my mum and she was there to celebrate my wedding day with me a few months ago. I don't look at my photos and think, God such and such looks awful. I look at everyone smiling and think how much of a wonderful day it was. Perhaps that is what you should be focussing on.

You sound a bit mean. Her hair is her choice and in all honesty everyone at weddings is only really interested in looking at the bride: also it is kinda shallow. A wedding is about a marriage not how ppl look

I can relate OP. Did your mum get her hair done before lockdown? Is it a long term issue or do you think covid has knocked her confidence and now she doesn't want to have her hair done?

I think if you suggest a mobile hairdresser and show her YouTube videos of how they make wigs she will be impressed. Perhaps you could trial run and have your hair done together before your wedding and it will be a bonding thing too.

If your mum has afro hair and a bald patch, then a wig is surely the solution?

Not sure if the the hair loss is due to having braids done badly previously, or if there's a hormonal reason, but a wig would allow her hair to recover as far as possible. More braids are going to make things worse.

It took me years to figure out why black women were able to change their hairstyles so dramatically so often and look amazing - wigs are absolute magic. (As a child, I think I briefly believed there was actual magic involved.) Get a good one and it'll boost her confidence (and your photos will look good too).

I'm assuming you want her to look good in photos not because it'll ruin the aesthetics, but because you know it'll just make her feel bad to look at photos of your day and not feel happy about her own appearance.

You sound delightful, as others have said her hair, her choice.

Is she too self conscious to go get it done?

My mum was ashes by the time I got married and I was only 26.
Count yourself lucky I guess? Does your mums hair really have any negative affect on your marriage?
No, it doesn’t.
I can’t believe someone is being so judgemental to their own mum.

I don't think that OP is being horrible. She knows that her mum is self conscious about her hair, and it sounds like she's too embarrassed to go to the hairdresser. So she'll feel self conscious at the wedding and hate the photos. If OP can gently push her to see a hairdresser or look into a wig then she'll feel fabulous at the wedding rather than embarrassed.

It would be a different story if her mum didn't care about her hair, then it would be unkind to try to make her change for the pictures. But it doesn't sound like this is the case here.

My mam had no hair due to chemo, she spent ages getting a custom-made wig then didn't wear it because 'it inches and is uncomfortable', do you know how many people noticed, cared or commented on her hair?

Exactly zero... I only noticed because she told/showed me so many times the wig and I told her then she could wear it if she want but not to feel obligated because no one would judge her from the start.

Just leave your mam alone, her thinning hair is probably already something shes self conscious about without you hammering it home like its a bad thing.