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Original poster

Mum not going to "bother" getting hair done for my wedding

222 replies

namechangedforthisaibu · 08/11/2021 15:44

Just name changed for this as I don't know what to think about it. My wedding is coming up and my mum planned to have her hair done and now she is saying she isn't going to bother.

She is saying because of covid and stuff she doesn't want to be sat in the hairdressers too long. But she still goes shopping and does everything as normal.

I don't want to sound mean as I love my mum to bits and I do everything for her. But her hair looks terrible! It has thinned terribly at the back so she has a patch of skin with no hair on at the back. She still has her hair round the sides so she tries to pull it over the bald spot and puts it in a tiny bobble. Her hair is very very very short.

I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and my mum just doesn't look good.

I hope this doesn't sound horrible I'm just trying to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangedforthisaibu · 08/11/2021 16:40

@HotPeppasauce2 mum hates weaves she would rather have braids or a wig. She doesn't look after her hair properly either. She still uses Vaseline to oil her hair 😩.

She did want a wig so I might just take her to look at some instead. But she could do with some hair treatments on her natural hair.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 08/11/2021 16:40

@namechangedforthisaibu

Yes she has bought a fascinator but she planned to have her hair done to wear it. I don't know whether I should just book her in and take her myself.
No. Please don’t. I’d feel patronised and cornered if one of my kids did this to me.
EatYourVegetables · 08/11/2021 16:40

I hope this doesn't sound horrible

It really does. Your poor Mum. I hope this doesn’t make Daily Mail for her to read - how lovely of you.

The entitlement of a bridezilla.

grapewine · 08/11/2021 16:41

If it isn't about pictures, but because you love your mother, maybe you should have worded your OP differently -

I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and my mum just doesn't look good.

But whatever.

Lampzade · 08/11/2021 16:41

Op, I totally understand where you are coming from. You are concerned about your dm’s feelings.
When I got married, my mum insisted that she didn’t want to wear any makeup. I know my mum and I knew that she would regret not getting her makeup done .So I hired a makeup artist to do her makeup. Dm looked amazing and years later talks about how wonderful she looked on my wedding day.
I would find a sympathetic hairdresser who is an expert in the installation of wigs. They could perhaps meet up with your mum and talk about what the type of wig she would like in terms of style, length, texture.
Hair loss can be very distressing for people particularly women, but we are fortunate that these days there are so many options available to make us look fabulous

LittleMysSister · 08/11/2021 16:42

Do you think maybe your mum is conscious of attending the hairdressers with her hair in its current condition? Could you chat to her about it and try and feel out whether that's the reason?

I know that could be the truth with my mum and she'd much rather have the encouragement to be brave and go so she could look back on the pictures and think she looked good x

Kite22 · 08/11/2021 16:42

sometimes I wonder why I bother coming to Mumsnet because everyone jumps to conclusions.

No, people have responded to the information you have provided and the question you asked.
If you had said "my Mum no longer wants to go to the hairdressers because she is self conscious about her thinning hair, particularly in one patch. How can I help her?" then people would have responded to that. However, that isn't what you asked.

gingergiraffe · 08/11/2021 16:42

To me you sound like a normal, loving and caring daughter. You know your mum and understand how she feels at the moment and know how she will feel on the day if she is not happy with her appearance. Take ideas from some of the supportive advice here. I hope both you and your mum find a workable solution and you both enjoy your special day.

firstimemamma · 08/11/2021 16:43

I have no relationship with my 'mum' as she let her partner abuse me for 20 years. I had no relatives at my wedding. I hope that has put your 'problem' into perspective - just be grateful she's there.

My lovely MIL didn't have her hair done for my wedding and I was just happy to have her by my side.

It's what's inside that counts.

Namechangedox · 08/11/2021 16:44

You sound like a bridezilla, lots of daughter's would love to have their mum there regardless of what she looked like but can't.

Alpinechalet · 08/11/2021 16:45

Has your Mum considered a wig, they really do look real and unless you know what to look for can pass for real hair. I once shocked a group of medical students removing mine to reveal a virtually bald head due to alopecia.

musicviking1 · 08/11/2021 16:45

@DarlingFell

Meanwhile, back in the real world...

Of course you want your mum to look nice at your wedding! Any normal, sane person would want their mother to look their best and make an effort for their big day.

AIBU is getting more and more batshit by the day Confused

I agree!
Namechangedox · 08/11/2021 16:46

@firstimemamma

I have no relationship with my 'mum' as she let her partner abuse me for 20 years. I had no relatives at my wedding. I hope that has put your 'problem' into perspective - just be grateful she's there.

My lovely MIL didn't have her hair done for my wedding and I was just happy to have her by my side.

It's what's inside that counts.

Same my so called mum ghosted me and family over for 3 years my MIL who doesn't even know me that well would always show up for anything.
petshihtzu · 08/11/2021 16:48

I honestly completely get you. The posts saying this is horrible I think are a bit OTT. It's a wedding day you want guests to make an effort!!!! It doesn't happen often.

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 08/11/2021 16:48

I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and my mum just doesn't look good.

Will you feel bad for your mum, or for yourself?

InTheNightWeWillWish · 08/11/2021 16:49

I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and my mum just doesn't look good.

My mum broke her leg shortly before my wedding. She had a full leg brace on at my wedding. I’m glad she was there, not fussed what she looked like or that the leg brace would be in my photos years later.

I lost 3 relatives in less than 2 years after my wedding. Honestly, it doesn’t matter how people look at your wedding (my FIL got undressed from his suit and wore a rugby shirt as soon as we got to the reception, there are many photos of him like this). What matters is that they were there. That you have the opportunity to share that moment with those you love most.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 08/11/2021 16:49

Your poor mum! I understand where you're coming from, you just worded it a bit clumsily but it's obvious it's the effect of the photos on your mum not on you that you're worried about. Someone suggested arranging a mobile hairdresser to come out for a practice run, do both of you at home, make it an event, bit of a girly afternoon tea perhaps. That way, having sopken to the hd ahead of time, you and hd will be able to ease your mum into trying out different solutions to her hair problem, without it being the pressure of the big day.

Good luck, I hope it workes out for your mum and you.

twilightcafe · 08/11/2021 16:49

Black hair shops are stuffed with wigs galore BECAUSE so many black women wear wigs.
Yanbu.
I wouldn't want to look back on photos at my daughter's wedding with me looking uncomfortable - especially when there's a fix available.
She's not the first woman of colour to wear a wig and won't be the last.

2bazookas · 08/11/2021 16:51

She's probably too embarrassed by her hair/bal;d patch , to take it to the hairdresser.

A bit of empathy wouldn't come amiss.

whynotwhatknot · 08/11/2021 16:55

you know when shes gone you wont even remember this hoo ha about her hair

HideousKinky · 08/11/2021 16:55

Why not just leave her to decide for herself?

Saoirse82 · 08/11/2021 16:56

I'm guessing you've worded your original post wrongly and you mean that you want her to have her hair done for her sake and not for yours? You know that she's incredibly self conscious so you want her to be able to enjoy the day knowing she feel confident? I'd want the same for my mum, I personally couldn't give a shit what she looked like as long as she felt good about herself on the day. That's the only thing that's important.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 08/11/2021 16:56

I know how you feel as a family member of mine often isn't presentable and it can feel embarrassing.

It very much depends on how you define 'presentable', though. If they don't bother to wear smart, clean clothes or brush their hair for a wedding, that's very disrespectful; if it's to do with their actual physical appearance, ageing or health circumstances, though, that's who they are and they should be welcomed and treasured for that.

Mybalconyiscracking · 08/11/2021 16:56

@Flowerlane

Surely you should be thankful that you get to spend the day with loved ones and not care what they look like.
Don’t all pile on at once. It is her wedding, it wouldn’t kill her Mum to make an effort. Being disappointed that she won’t does not make the OP a bad person.
Whatinthelord · 08/11/2021 16:59

Can’t someone do it at h9me for her to make her feel safer

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