Mum not going to "bother" getting hair done for my wedding

[namechangedforthisaibu]

Just name changed for this as I don't know what to think about it. My wedding is coming up and my mum planned to have her hair done and now she is saying she isn't going to bother.

She is saying because of covid and stuff she doesn't want to be sat in the hairdressers too long. But she still goes shopping and does everything as normal.

I don't want to sound mean as I love my mum to bits and I do everything for her. But her hair looks terrible! It has thinned terribly at the back so she has a patch of skin with no hair on at the back. She still has her hair round the sides so she tries to pull it over the bald spot and puts it in a tiny bobble. Her hair is very very very short.

I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and my mum just doesn't look good.

I hope this doesn't sound horrible I'm just trying to be honest.

Does she usually see someone for any kind of hair service? If so my first action would be to call that person, explain her hesitation and ask if they'll come to her. Or google around for 'mobile hairdressing'.

My mum had dementia and when she got to the point that going to the salon was distressing for her, our stylist came to her. She couldn't do 'the whole magilla' without salon facilities, but she could do a cut or trim whilst keeping Mum entertained by singing or talking to her. She also came to their house to cut Dad's hair when his neuro condition made him homebound. She didn't even charge extra for the 'home visit'. She was and still is an absolute angel.

I'd assume the fact she's embarrassed by her hair is the exact reason she doesn't want to go to the hairdresser.

@namechangedforthisaibu have you asked her to get ready with you? Or asked your hairdresser to do your mums hair or for suggestions for easy (lower time) styles that might work?

Not sure what your background is but if she's of African descent she might be intending on wearing trad (my mum did) because of that you couldn't see her hair under her gele.

Either way I'm sure your mum will do something with her hair that looks gorgeous. If she's anything like my mum she'll consider your wedding day to be hers. Have a beautiful day.

She is always complaining about photos and how terrible her hair looks. She will be absolutely gutted if she doesn't get it done.

Honestly I'd just ask her if she'd like a wig. Bottle of wine time if you feel that's an awkward conversation. Ask the hairdresser to advise.

I know how you feel as a family member of mine often isn't presentable and it can feel embarrassing.

BUT you need to try to give yourself some perspective. Photos are not what matters about a wedding. Weddings are about families, love and unity. If anything happened to your mum, I think, if you make a big deal of her hair, you'll look back at your wedding photos and feel sad that yo up made her feel bad.

Have you thought about seeing if a mobile hairdresser would come round to her house to do it? That way she could ventilate the house to feel better?

I empathise, but I do think ultimately YABU

Nobody is obliged to get their hair done for your wedding

Be thankful you have your mum on your special day, and stop being so superficial and downright spoilt.

You don't sound horrible to me OP, you sound like you're worried that if your mum does nothing about her hair because of lack of confidence and self-consciousness, then she'll regret it and won't want to look at your wedding photos afterwards, then you'll feel bad for her.
I think it's really usual for wedding hair stylists to do bride, bridesmaids and mother of the bride's hair on the day so that might be the best solution, if she'll agree to it.

Addendum; She didn't charge extra, but we definitely made it worth her while.

Buy mum some biotin, vitamin D and multi bits...long term it will really help her hair grow stronger. X

Open up the conversation with her gently ask her if she would prefer a wig that doesn't need to be fitted by a hairdresser that way she can feel better about having her picture taken on the day it can't be nice for her if she feels she looks awful how will she feel having her picture taken and looking back on them?

Ultimately the decision is hers though and you should respect that

sometimes I wonder why I bother coming to Mumsnet because everyone jumps to conclusions

No one is jumping to conclusions. People have gave you their opinion which you asked for, based on the information you provided.

You're getting such a hard time OP. Everyone's right when they point out that your mum is probably avoiding getting it done as she's self-conscious, but what's worse? Being self-conscious with a hairdresser who is trained to deal with hair, or feeling embarrassed around your new in-laws and avoiding photos for the whole day? I really think you're trying to do what's best for your mum here.

Btw your comments are fine OP...its just Mumsnet...this is what it's like here..shrug.

Your DM is a grown woman. Stop trying to impose your will on her. All you are doing is making the poor lady self conscious and sad.

@namechangedforthisaibu

Of course I accept my mum for who she is, but her hair is always getting her down. I have found her a hairdresser near her that can do her hair. She is always complaining about photos and how terrible her hair looks. She will be absolutely gutted if she doesn't get it done.

@Bavarois thank you so much sometimes I wonder why I bother coming to Mumsnet because everyone jumps to conclusions.

You insisting that she needs to see a hairdresser is not going to help her self-confidence one bit.

You have a mother who loves you and who you love. Surely that's enough for your wedding day? My mother died years before I got married. I would have loved for her to have been there on my wedding day.

www.godivahairlossspecialists.com/

@namechangedforthisaibu

I don't mean for it to sound horrible! I just know my mum she is always complaining about it but always has an excuse why she can't go.

I think you’re mum is very unhappy and believes its not worth bothering about herself. I feel for her. Very Much.

Can you try and do a trial run of braiding yourself just to let her see something can be done to her hair. Or could you ask a mobile hairdresser to come to the house? Anything. As long as it’s done with love and compassion.

I never said anyone was obliged to get their hair done for my wedding day. She has said all a long she will be getting her hair done. Now my wedding day is coming up she is saying she isn't going to bother and humming and arring about it. I know she wants it done she probably is just very self conscious.

She will be self conscious on the day trying to cover her bald spot and avoiding photos. I would rather for her sake she just had it done.

I may just take her to look at some wigs she has mentioned that before.

Wow. It does sound horrible, because it is. She sounds like she is struggling and you disregard this over how things look? I’d have loved to have had my Dad at my wedding. He was, bless him, an ugly bald man - he always said so. But he was my Dad and I loved him.
He died when I was young and never will share these huge moments in my life.
You need to seriously reassess your priorities.

If she truly wants to have her hair done, I'd offer to try to find someone who can come to her. Say it's a gift from you, to make the wedding as special as possible. I'd try to be there when she has her hair done, too. Make it fun for the two of you. Chat, have something nice to drink, etc. Almost like a spa day.

But if you offer and she still refuses or seems reluctant, you really need to let it go. She may be unhappy with her hair and yet still not want to have her hair braided. Ultimately, her hair doesn't matter. I'm not thrilled with how my hair looks in my own wedding photos, tbh. It didn't turn out exactly as planned. But who cares? It's just hair!

@Chippymunks

Your poor mum, I’m sure she knows her hair isn’t looking it’s best, she probably can’t face going to the hairdresser. Please don’t mention her hair again.

This, as well as all the others saying YABU.

And just to add - you haven’t deserved the some of the replies you’ve received.

Meanwhile, back in the real world...

Of course you want your mum to look nice at your wedding! Any normal, sane person would want their mother to look their best and make an effort for their big day.

AIBU is getting more and more batshit by the day