Mum not going to "bother" getting hair done for my wedding

[namechangedforthisaibu]

Just name changed for this as I don't know what to think about it. My wedding is coming up and my mum planned to have her hair done and now she is saying she isn't going to bother.

She is saying because of covid and stuff she doesn't want to be sat in the hairdressers too long. But she still goes shopping and does everything as normal.

I don't want to sound mean as I love my mum to bits and I do everything for her. But her hair looks terrible! It has thinned terribly at the back so she has a patch of skin with no hair on at the back. She still has her hair round the sides so she tries to pull it over the bald spot and puts it in a tiny bobble. Her hair is very very very short.

I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and my mum just doesn't look good.

I hope this doesn't sound horrible I'm just trying to be honest.

She was planning on having braids (Afro hair) she has enough hair to braid.

Braids can actually make balding worse through traction alopecia. Why should she risk more hair loss just to meet your beauty standard to be in a photo with her?

You sound awful

I can’t believe what you’ve written. You sound horrible. Your poor Mum.

I hope for your sake it’s just the bridezilla side of you.

Your poor mum, I’m sure she knows her hair isn’t looking it’s best, she probably can’t face going to the hairdresser. Please don’t mention her hair again.

Sorry but you are being a bit bridezilla about this. Leave her be - maybe she can get a hat if she wants. All eyes are on you on the day.

@namechangedforthisaibu

Yes she has bought a fascinator but she planned to have her hair done to wear it. I don't know whether I should just book her in and take her myself.

No you respect her decision to not want to

How horrible. She is how she is and she will be there at your wedding.

I'm a fan of saying it how it is, but this is just horrible. Can't you just be glad she'll be there with you? It doesn't sound like she isn't making an effort, just doesn't want to have her hair done, which sounds like it could be stressful/upsetting for her for a few reasons.

I think she always has an excuse because she is horribly self conscious about her hair. Your poor mum. She needs your understanding and empathy.

I think you should just try to accept your mum as she is. Maybe she’s self conscious about her hair and doesn’t want to go to a hairdresser - that would be understandable. Imagine if you were in her shoes. She is your mum no matter what her hair looks like.

Are you having a hairdresser on the morning come to you? If so pay for her to be done too - special treat, you want to pamper her, get her makeup done too. Make a big fuss of mum of the bride.

Sounds to me like she knows how bad it is and wants to deny it by not getting it done. It’s probably a massive knock to her self confidence. You need to tread very lightly and use words very carefully or you’ll knock her confidence more.

She doesn't want to go. Leave the woman alone. This is awful and all for 'perfect' pictures. Listen to yourself.

It could be that she doesn't want to sit in a busy hairdresser for hours but it's simple enough to find a hairdresser who'll come to the house so I think she's probably given up with her hair. Talk to her, find out what the problem really is. As pp suggest a wig could be a solution but ultimately her hair's not really that important.

I don't think this sounds horrible at all OP! She's your mum, you want her to look her best, yes for the photos but also for her. She should look and feel her best so she feels confident on the day. My MIL is very low-maintenance and needs to be talked into getting dressed up for big occasions, but she's always glad she did it as she'd have felt out of place without my SIL sorting her hair, dress etc. Talk to your mum and see if she's willing to come with you for a hair trial (or get a hairdresser to come to the house if covid is a worry)

What an awful post OP. Your poor mum.

It does sound horrible of you. I'm sure you don't mean to be. But it's her hair. Your day is meant to be about having a lovely day. My auntie died 5 years ago, her daughter(my cousin) got married about 5 months before she died and the cancer had ravaged her BUT she's glistening with pride and my cousin still loves the pictures.

You have an awful attitude. I feel really sorry for your mum.

Don’t take photos of the back of her head.

There are people out there who don't have a Mum to invite their wedding. Please get some perspective.

Of course I accept my mum for who she is, but her hair is always getting her down. I have found her a hairdresser near her that can do her hair. She is always complaining about photos and how terrible her hair looks. She will be absolutely gutted if she doesn't get it done.

@Bavarois thank you so much sometimes I wonder why I bother coming to Mumsnet because everyone jumps to conclusions.

Poor woman. She probably doesn’t want to go to the hairdresser as she knows it’s not great and there isn’t much a hairdresser could do about it.

I agree. At first, I thought you were going to say that she had 'normal', healthy-growing hair that she'd allowed to get messy instead of taking a bit of effort to go and get it sorted; but it sounds like you're criticising her - and her appearance - for not being lucky enough to have lustrous, healthy hair any longer.

However unhappy you are that she'll be in your photos looking like that, you can bet that she will feel worse. If you continue to make a big thing of it, she'll be refusing to be in the photos at all, as she wouldn't want to 'spoil' them for you.

I don't want to be over-dramatic, but there are plenty of people out there who have lost their parents and have a painfully empty space in their photos that they'd have so dearly loved to have seen Mum or Dad filling.

I should just leave her be if I were you.

I don't know whether I should just book her in and take her myself.

Or just stick a bag over her head or ask her not to be in any photos?

Is this really the most important thing about your wedding day? How cruel.

She is always complaining about photos and how terrible her hair looks.

I don't know if this is the case for your Mum, but often, when people are very self-conscious about some perceived imperfection or shortcoming, they will leap in there straightaway and 'criticise' themselves, as a defence mechanism, before anybody else can get the chance to stick the boot in.

Look for a hairdresser who specialises in hair replacement systems or wigs. Then encourage your Mum and take her for a consultation. I’d also pay if I were you as it’s pricey but could make your Mum feel a million dollars.