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Birth clubs

Connect with mums-to-be with similar due dates to share experiences and support.

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Original poster

Wife being totally out of order

18 replies

Cheeky575 · 28/10/2014 20:50

Hi all,

Had a fight with the other half tonight which I think is out of order, let me know what u think:

My wife works as a trainee nurse, I have supported and encouraged her through this process, brought her a laptop and have paid for more or less everything including rent, car insurance, car itself, laptop, software for laptop, taken the kids to nursery, paid for the kids £900+ this month! prepared food for when she gets home from a shift, taken the kids away this weekend and suffered a 320 mile round trip, yet today when there is a requirement for her to cook dinner nothing,

Honestly am I being unreasonable....

krs
Cheeky

OP posts:

MsIngaFewmarbles · 28/10/2014 20:51

Why is there a 'requirement' for her to cook dinner?

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 28/10/2014 20:52

CaptainAnkles · 28/10/2014 20:52

What's it got to do with antenatal clubs though?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 28/10/2014 20:52

It's bought not brought

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 28/10/2014 20:54

gamerchick · 28/10/2014 20:54

You keep score?

FiftyShadesofScreeeeeeeam · 28/10/2014 20:55

Firstly, report your thread and ask for it to be moved to AIBU? as this is the ante natal section.

Secondly, it's hard to say whether she is BU without having the full picture.

However, YANBU to expect her to prepare dinner if that's what you had discussed. You might want to have a discussion with her about your expectations re help at home.

CaptainAnkles · 28/10/2014 20:55

It's a short trip from this to 'I pay the mortgage, the least you can do is shag me'.

Valpollicella · 28/10/2014 20:57

oh do fuck off back to your cave, you neanderthal

Oakmaiden · 28/10/2014 20:57

Uh - well, if you are partners then you are in a partnership - so naturally you should be supporting your wife while she studies, in the expectation that when she qualifies it will improve the standard of living for all of you. Who has bought various things is completely irrelevant - surely it is family money, not "your" money?

You took the children away this weekend - that is lovely. What was she doing while you were doing this? Working or relaxing? Did you "have" to take the children away, or did you choose to?

And why is there a "requirement" for her to cook dinner tonight? What have you been doing today? What has she been doing? Does she have essays etc due in at the moment?

Really, with the information you have given you do sound extremely unreasonable. But if there is more relevant information, I guess that might change the situation slightly.

Oh - and why have you posted in antenatal?

katandkits · 28/10/2014 21:12

If you are both too busy to cook tonight why not just get a takeaway? Problem solved.

Then you both need to sit down and look at your commitments for the week ahead and decide who is cooking each night. Perhaps cook double some days so that there is some left in the fridge the next time you are both busy. It sounds like you are both very busy so instead of a petty argument try to find a solution.

Original poster

Cheeky575 · 28/10/2014 21:18

Mmm...sorry wrong forum I agree...

It's really not about the food, it's about the expectation that I will cook all the time, support her and yet I receive no thanks in any shape or form. Maybe that's why her family have no contact with her and the MIL thinks she is unreasonable....just to add my mother is a teacher and try's very hard but with limited success, it might also be worth noting my wife has issues however only takes her pills now and then....

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheeky575 · 28/10/2014 21:23

Added to that.....

I work around her schedule, earn 5 x as much and yet I'm always in the wrong...sorry looking for an outlet tbh...and can't do anything due to the kids...can't stand to be away from them!

OP posts:

JumpAndTwist · 28/10/2014 21:30

Your post is a bit confusing.

You are the only one earning money but that was agreed between you before she started studying? You both work/study full time? You do all of the housework, childcare and cooking? You had agreed she would cook dinner tonight but she didn't?

JumpAndTwist · 28/10/2014 21:32

Why can't you do anything due to the kids?

Oakmaiden · 28/10/2014 21:37

OK - well, it looks like this is a bigger issue than it seemed from the original post.

The money you earn is irrelevant - sometimes it happens that one partner earns more than another - it doesn't mean they work harder though. You are a partnership, and I firmly believe that families with children need to organise their finances so that all members of the family have a similar standard of living, regardless of their earning power. To do otherwise is unfair, and can sometimes border on abusive.

As a student nurse she will have very little control over her schedule, so again, if you are being supportive that is something you will have to just roll with until she finishes her course. Of course, when she has qualified it is entirely possible whatever job she gets will include irregular shift patterns - have you discussed how this is going to work for you as a family? But in general, where one partner has to work shifts and the other has a role which offers more flexibility, then the one who can be flexible needs to do their best to be flexible. It is a "needs must" situation - not a favour you are doing for her.

However, you should both be doing a fair share of the child and household oriented jobs. Perhaps it might be worth looking at who does what in the house - how much spare time each person gets to do their own thing, how much time each person spends working/studying/exercising/doing housework/cooking etc. You do need to make sure this is fairly allocated, but the way to do that is to discuss what is happening in advance, not have rows about it when it all gets too much for you.

Perhaps you should post again in relationships and ask for advice about how to make your marriage more of an equal partnership - but without focusing on how much money you contribute, because that really makes you sound rather horrible.

VivaLeBeaver · 28/10/2014 22:06

Have you sat down and calmly told her how you feel?

I'm slightly uncomfortable with the bit where you say she hasn't shown any thanks for you supporting her, etc. I wnt back to uni and trained for three years to be a nurse. I don't think I ever said "thanks" to dh for financially supporting me.

The way I see it were a team. He's been redundant in the past and ive worked when he hasn't. Also going back to uni so I could have a career benefited the whole family in the long run. Ok pay, good pension, job security, etc. plus my previous career had been ripped apart by me having dc and maternity leave.

So I really wouldn't focus on that point. But I do think its fair to say that sometimes you feel she's not pulling her weight. It could be because she's a lazy mare......it could be because doing nurse training is one of the most exhausting things you can do. Do a shift, n your feet all day and get home and rather than cooking dinner you're too knackered. Or too worried about an assignment, exam, etc.

Her perception of division of household labour may also be different to yours. There's been proper scientific studies which show that people emphasise in their head what they've done while minimising what their partner has done. Without realising it.

FoxgloveFairy · 30/10/2014 22:56

Okay Cheeky. Firstly, ok, maybe better in another forum. Doesn't really matter. If I read aright, this is not really about who cooks dinner as much as a bit of resentment at not feeling appreciated. Fair enough maybe, by the sound of it. However, what you need is to discuss this. I can tell you that if you mentioned to me a 'requirement' to cook dinner, it would not go well. Do you appreciate your wife? If you do, accept that sometimes shae is damned tired! Help her out! Speaking for me, nothin' better than a man cooking dinner!

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