blended families or older/40 plus dads and partners of..(((anyone)))???

[apprenticemamma]

I am 35 , oh is 47. I would stress..a v young looking, fit and with a young outlook on life 47 ..so much so i think we often forget there' s an age gap . We have a ds 2.2 and expecting dc 2 in march 2014. Dh also has dc 22, 19 and 15. We are a pretty happy blended family and the kids have strong relationships but nonetheless there are certain issues around being an older dad and * starting over again , which we struggle with. Would be appreciative of hearing from anyone else who has done the blended and or older dad thing as can feel lonely amongst my more conventional mummy friends! Having a hormonal wobble about it all and could use some support from mn.. (Hoping this isn't met with a deafening silence... )

What are the issues you struggle with?

Hi,

Not quite there yet, but I'm 33, OH is 43 and we're expecting our first in 5 wks. Neither of us have kids from before (although he was a step dad, but they lost touch when spliot with mum - think the stepson is about 20, and going to uni).
Yes we are already noticing some comments and it is a bit weird as OH freinds, kids are leaving home/having their own kids already.

Hi have two dcs here (2 and 3)..i am 38 and my husband 48. It is no problem at all. Havent encountered any funny comments (to my face anyway!) But perhaos that is because i am lucky to have a hands on dad and also a man who having lived alone doesnt need me to run around after him and is fully able to do his own diy without asking his own dad (who is dead anyway!) So i am happy to sing his praises when we girls chat!!! Also we are lucky as he has a friend in a similar boat although they arent local. I never give the gap a thought (he is young looking etc) and after all 48 is nothing! The only thing he says himself is he reckons the dcs tire him out more than if he was younger. Also I guess his friends with older kids are now "getting their lives back" but he says having the dcs keeps him young...no slumping on sofa for him on weekend. I feel, on balance, very lucky but is that age or just that is have something that works for us...every relationships is different!

Hi apprenticemama, we are an older blended family. I had my third child at age 42. My dp became a first time dad at 40. We married when our baby was 9 mos old. He has been stepfather to my older children for 7 years now. He is not warm and fuzzy in any way ( except with our dd) but he has been a very good stepfather to my children. Their bio dad is in regular contact, but is very busy with his new family ( my older children have 4 half brothers and sisters) My husband provides for all of us financially, takes an interest in their education and sporting events, and can be counted on for rides to the cinema as needed.
The blending has not always been smooth. There have been hurt feelings all around at one time or another. We just stick with it and move forward.

hi ladies, thanks for getting in touch with three very different situations. It's really helpful to hear your perspectives and hear how you have all made it work. I admit to being a bit reassurance needy due to a hormonal mood wobble panic, having a baby throws everything into question , although I didn't feel like this ironically with dc 1!! So thanks for ur input..purple murple hope you are keeping well..not long now..? In terms of funny comments I've learned to keep ohs age a closely guarded secret. Funily enough it's our families who often come out with the most judgey or insensitive remarks. e.g. my dad ' dh really ought to get the snip' and I predict the mil will have an absolute meltdown at the sheer decadence/my selfishness of a fifth. ..

cuggles (loving the name :) ) great to hear you are managing well with two close together. Oh often says that he was a better and more hands on parent with our dc1 , bc when he was 23 he was too young, immature, selfish and resentful at settling down while his friends partied! He has great energy and doesn't tire easy. I also get what you say about his peers winding down after years of childrearing and I do worry that poor oh spends his life childrearing but he is a great dad so he has perfected the art. ...

Im 23 DH is 41 we've just had DD. He has 2DS from previous relationship (12 and 17).

DH is finding this one easier because he's in a happier relationship, his ex was very abusive and stressy.

I agree about feeling lonely, we are very unconventional re age gap!

secret switch interesting to hear about your blended family. It sounds like your collective children are closer in age and somehow you make it all work. Your dh sounds like he's doing a great job. We have no prob with tyen other kids. They are at least 14 years older than ds but dote on him. My only issue is more to do with their mum who I tolerate on the surface but who has no boundaries and sometimes I think views me dh and ds as extensions of HER family. Xmas and birthdays are not great. She even pitched up at the hospital day ds was born! I could probably write a whole am I being unreasonable BLOG based on this woman .....

hi nexus huge congrats on your dd . how are u finding motherhood? If you love someone enough that to me overrides the age stuff. And interesting again how dh is finding it easier this time bc of the quality of your relationship. How are the brothers with it ? x

I'm loving motherhood! Dd is just wonderful.

Yeah, dh had a real rough ride with that relationship, it was his first relationship and after 8 or so months the ex fell
Pregnant with his eldest. He loves his kids but obviously having a difficult mum has really put a strain on his relationship with the kids. She doesn't want her children to meet me (dh and I have been together for 5 years. She left dh for a new bloke nearly 10years ago and married him straight away). I would be fine with that but she also doesn't want the boys to meet new baby which is just bloody selfish.

They were so excited to have a little sister :(

Anyway..! Families are complicated anyway so age really isn't an issue in the grand scheme of things!

She sounds like a piece of work! Really sad that she is making things tough for those kids to have a relationship with you all. Perhaps I shouldn't moan at dh scary unboundaried ex. Hopefully as the boys are getting older they will be able to make their own decisions soon and see their little sister too.

'Time is a healer' etc...!

Oh dont be silly, exs are always hard, men with baggage (we knew what we were getting into but we still went there!)

Yeah I think it will all work out but, it's a shame to miss out on these early days in DD life.

I think you can get too bogged down with these issues, I've found you've just got to think about whats right for you and your kids. We used to pander to her constant demands and to be perfectly honest neither party were truly happy. I think it's good to be 'selfish' placing boundaries etc is better all round. Remember- you cant make everyone happy, just focus on the ones that need it.

Hi , can i join here?

I'm 28 and my OH is 47 . He has three kids 16, 15 and 10 from previous marriage but they live with us half the time and their mum lives just round the corner .

I am pregnant but only in early stages.. can't date it exactly but somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks i think.

Pretty scary ..it wasn't really planned but i am very excited and hoping everything goes ok in these early days.

We haven't told anyone yet so i am quite nervous of his kids finding out. The older two will be fine but i'm worried about the 10 yo as he is a Daddys boy and may not like the fact their will be a baby around..

x

Welcome running girl & massive congrats! Sounds like you are also reeling from shock..even although we planned both times it's still a massive shock. (Guess that's why we need those nine months..). Had u ever discussed the possibility of kids with your steppies? my step daughters were 14 & 16 first time round. Was worried about the youngest reaction for the same baby of the family type reasons but her reaction was shocked..but v positive. May be slightly different at ten but kids will adapt esp if their dad is happy. They now absolutely adore their little bro and excited about the next. Getting them involved helps. How is your dh about it all? x

I think the kids will be ok. The older two probably won't be bothered, they are busy with their own lives / college / school / jobs / boyfriends etc! Iam slightly nervous about the youngest and not sure how my OH will approach telling him .

OH is ok..the frustrating and a little bit worrying thing is that he doesn't seem excited / interested. I find that i'm googling baby things on here and reading things when i am on my own. He just doesn't seem like he wants to talk about it. I'm a bit worried that he won't feel like this baby is as important as his three.

I had a MidWife appointment and she used a doppler and i heard the heartbeat ! It was amazing. She therefore thinks i'm further along than i think. She thought maybe even 10 weeks but i don't know. Scan in the next 10 days she said. So i think i'll be due March or April too.

How you feeling at the mo?

I'm 29 and OH is 47 (in a week). I have DD 10, DS 8 and DS 6 - i am 28 weeks pregnant with his 1st and my final! He is very supportive despite my ex being abusive (my ex has 4 step children and 2 more children with his new partner - so his attitude baffles me ). He is a wonderful step father and i feel very lucky to have stumbled across him

hi Ben congrats on finding you a lovely man and father for your new babba. How r u keeping? lots of respect for managing 4 kids too. running girl so didn't mean to ignore u been mainly on the march thread and forgot about this one . Do u have a scan date thru? Generally things are surreal for men anyway until they see concrete evidence if that makes sense. Even then my oh was not super duper excited like I was, when we had our first (his fourth). I realise now that that was about many things including anxiety about starting over again (having started age 23 with kids) , fears about what that would mean for us, fears about being older, losing freedom, how would his kids adapt. There were other issues as well but maybe these are relevant to you. His marriage crumbled under the strain of the ex s v bossy nature and undermining oh parenting all the time. So he was scared. We've talked this through in counselling and being able to do so has helped. So guess it's maybe a normal male response AND might raise anxieties AND ...well I guess it's not so novel for them is it! I'm more chilled with this pregnancy bc I know what to expect with dh. I know he's a fab dad but happy for me and my girly pals/mum to be involved in baby clothes shopping etc. Sorry if it's an essay. Just trying to say I've been there too and offer support x

Hello everyone. Interesting to hear everyone's situations.
I'm 31, DH is 47. We have a 4yo DC together, another on the way, and he has two DCs from his first marriage now aged 23 and 21.
I won't lie, it's not always been easy. Their mum hated me from the word go and told her kids who were then aged 7 and 9 that I'd broken up their marriage (they'd been divorced 5 years when we met!) she has been arrested twice that I know of and has no qualms about walking into my house uninvited without even a knock at 10pm on a Sunday night.... I could go on and on and on. Basically life is a LOT easier since DH's DCs grew up! They both dote on our 4yo, and due to their ages its more like my DC have two young aunties than two big sisters.
Re our marital age difference - its never bothered us, and when we don't mind, why is it anyone else's business? Understand the loneliness though.

so I'm beginning to think 47 is the magic number round here! girl guide of everyone's set up yours sounds most similar to mine. Our ds siblings are defo more aunty figures. I have no idea sometimes how would manage without their extra support here and there. Dh away this weekend and my 19 year old sds came over to help as ds has chicken pox and we had basically not slept. I do see that as a blessing. The ex sounds like a bit if a horror. I think ex s can be challenging in different ways, sometimes I wonder if it's easier if they are obviously nasty. My oh s ex is sickeningly ' sweet' always lurking in the background. Last year I lost the plot when she pitched up early for her holiday (she insists on coming to where oh s extended family live, where we often go , which I tolerate as long as there is no overlap). I had to explain why it was not appropriate for her to do this and she remained unreasonable. From the minute she heard I was prego last time she (andHER family) have fought tooth and nail to have a place in MY child's life including pitching up uninvited (her special trick) the day ds was born armed with gifts for us both and referring to herself (uninvited again as Aunty) I''ve had to come down hard and heavy on her unboundaried behaviour and we r planning on spelling it out loud and clear that she is to stay away next march and wait her rightful turn. Sorry this turned into an unintended rant and is an aibu thread on its own , just wondered if anyone else has experienced the other end of the ex headfuck spectrum?!!

So how is everyone keeping? Found out at our scan we are having a girl, delighted and definitely seeming more real.