Hearing about how my partner used to spend on his ex...

[Newmama99]

Should I ignore it..? My partner is divorced and we've been together for a few years now. He has two lovely step sons and we get on well. I am now pregnant and expecting our first child together. It hurts me when I hear how he used to splash on his ex. and how she always looked the part, was always well dressed, how he bought her a car etc. She wasn't working, and they financed quite a bit of their then lifestyle on debt.

After his divorce, my partner has inherited debts that he has to repay for another 5 years, lost the assets he had, and as he spends extra on his kids (on top of the CSA retention) it translates in him not being able to do more for us in terms of paying bills and contributing to the mortgage, let alone treat me. I do feel sympathetic to his situation, but can't help feeling resentful sometimes that his ex had a great lifestyle while with him, and that with me, he is skint most of the times, and says hasn't been able yet to propose to me because he has no money. I am working full time, almost 8 months pregnant, and when I hear what he did in the past for his previous partner, it really gets to me.

I am quite sure how to deal with this :(

Well, you must have known the situation when you got together. I had the opposite with exH.

He ran off with slut who only wore designer labels, drove the best cars and had to live in a 5 bedroom 3 bathroom farmhouse in the wilds of Suffolk. But for the 19 years we were married we only ever had second hand furniture (DCs bunks came out of a skip), hand me downs for the DC and I only ever bought my clothes at supermarkets, because we didn't have two pennies to rub together. And he only gives the 4DCs the absolute minimum maintenance he has to with no extras, because slut has a lifestyle to maintain. Just irks me that I went without so much all those years and felt guilty when I bought a £2 tshirt for myself.

ok first of all. dont agree to marry this man while you are still feeling resentful. those feelings wont disappear with a ring on your finger.

secondly, his extravagent lifestyle put him in debt. he's paying for it all now. he couldn't afford that life. do you honestly think he should spend money he hasn't got just to make you feel like you are being treated the same as his ex? sorry to say it but grow up! so he had a lot of plastic shit once, things change and he cant do it anymore. if you wanted a man who can spend loads on you then why did you stay with and get pregnant by one who cant?

Newmama99, I kinda feel your pain.

My DH wasn't left with debts, but essentially had to start from scratch again about 5 years ago. He and his ex had a fabulous life, exotic travel, wonderful houses, new cars, cleaners, and even had a year off for "overseas experience". When they seperated he gave her the house, which was the only real asset they had after all their wee indulgences.

Now I am 5 months pg with dc1, and we don't even have a roof to put over our babies head, no furniture, and next year we are going to really struggle to get our life sorted for the little one. Like you am a grafter, and unlike his ex, I believe in contributing my fair share to the relationship, but I do feel very resentful sometimes!

He is a wonderful, kind, honorable man (he gave his ex the house as he felt it was the right thing to do even after she ran away with someone else). These are the traits that love him for, and this is what I hold on to when I start feel resentful.

I completely understand. My DH and his ex wife had a far superior standard of living than we do (flash wedding, holidays etc). But it's easy to console myself with the fact that whilst she's sat home alone getting ever more bitter and twisted, we're building a truly happy & contented life together. I'd be lying if I said it makes the fact they she had all the fancy stuff (whilst I'm making the best of Tesco value range & B&M) irrelevant but it makes it much easier to bear. Besides I married him for the man he is, not got his bank balance (which is just as well!!)

cheers for your honest view, really, quite frank, and appreciated. Sorry to hear about your experience, I can see how this must have been hurtful. Was his new partner working and also earning? it's strange that he would go from that situation with you to an expensive lifestyle with someone else, if he had the same level of earning.

I know I need to deal with this feeling and that's what I'm struggling with sometimes.

I don't expect him to go into debt to buy me expensive things. I don't want expensive things, I just want that he does more of all the little things that make me feel special and important to him. Things that he can afford, like surprising me with a day out even to the sea side just me and him, as he did once in 3 years, or buying flowers more than at Valentine's or on my birthday, and seeing him budgeting for a ring if he really wants to propose to me as he says, obviously it won't be the super expensive one, but seeing him do that would make me happy as I would feel he really means it. I dont' feel I'm asking for much. I work and earn too.

I agree with you, although i like the idea of him wanting to propose to me, I am not quite ready to marry yet. Even though he has lost he ownership of the house to his ex, the mortgage company refuses to remove his name on the debt, and I would want that to be sorted out when the times comes before getting married together. I have my own flat and I would want to make sure this would not be affected if for example she would stop paying the mortgage and they came after my partner and we were married.

Thank you Rosiesmartypants and KOTK. It's one of those things I can't always discuss with friends and it's great to hear different experiences and views here, and tips for what works for others. Thank you.

Rosiesmartypants - I forgot to say that I wish you all the best with the new DC and wish that you will find a new home together.

have you told him you dont feel important to him? that you would like him to surprise you and buy you flowers? do you surprise him and take him out for the day? it works both ways. he ha sto feel important to you too. also, why would the budgetting for a ring be down to him? do you live together? you are having a baby together, dont you combine your money into the family pot?

Can I ask who you are hearing this from? About her always looking the part and he bought her a car etc. Who is telling you this?

Why is he comparing you to his ex? And does he talk about other things, or just harp on about the old rich days?

Dp used to have a much higher income, this recession has pretty much brought us to our knees though. He occasionally grumbles about how he'd like to be able to treat ds and i to stuff but it's not something I'd need to start a thread on iyswim - it's an occasional grump. It must be pretty frequent, ir are there other issues as well?