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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Anybody else find Death hard to believe

22 replies

mishmash · 13/08/2005 23:37

In less than 12 months I have lost my Nana (wonderful woman) and know three very young guys that have died - two in the last week and am just wondering WHY??? My nana was 89 but these guys were 17, 30 and 35 - my dad died 7 years ago and I visit his grave regularly and visit so many more that I know are there - I know it sounds morbid but I would just love answers at times

OP posts:

Thomcat · 13/08/2005 23:40

Sorry to hear that mishmash.

Original poster

mishmash · 13/08/2005 23:45

I know it is life and all that and strongly believe that there are reasons for everything but just hate it when it just seems meaningless - iykwim

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 13/08/2005 23:49

Sorry, mishmash. I see death as part of life, but I grew up with a lot of beliefs of indigenous peoples. I can feel very close to people who are not close to me physically - not just those still living, but those who have passed on as well.

I hope you find peace.

Original poster

mishmash · 13/08/2005 23:51

Thanks Expat - I have peace - but just wonder why it should happen to such young people - I know it is all part of life but they were all good guys and it just seems such a waste

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 13/08/2005 23:56

Well it depends. Some people think it happens to young people b/c they are blessed, and death spares them some of the ills of this life. My grandmother felt the spirit world was part of the plane of life, and that therefore people who'd passed on were still here, just in a different place, sort of like in a different country where they don't speak the same language.

turnupthebass · 14/08/2005 01:06

Yes mishmash.
Hard to believe, hard to understand.
Remember grandparents going when i was a child and it was hard - and now my parents are same age. Lost friends too at younger age and thats so much harder to accept and to square with my belief in God.

No answers to be honest but understand your question.

Moomin · 14/08/2005 19:16

I think it depends on if you've always assumed 'life' means 0 to 80/90 or whatever age you think is 'old enough'. The way I see it, a life is a life whether it's 90 years or 90 days. That doesn't mean that it's not tragic when someone dies 'young' but it seems more unfair because there are so many other people of the same age who carry on living; whereas when an elderly person dies, many of their contemporaries are dead or dying too so it seems more acceptable.

I agree that in order to cope with death you need to accept that some lives are just shorter than others, and that doesn't mean their lives are any less meaningless.
I've had a number of bereavements in my life, some of them involving people who died tragically / young and I'm not saying it's been easy, but I'm learning to accept that death is part of everyday life, but that doesn't mean it's all doom and gloom. I hope you find the answer to some of your questions. It's very hard.

Twiglett · 14/08/2005 19:21

I suppose it depends on what you believe death is

if you believe death is the end of everything then yes it is very hard to believe

if you believe death is a transition into a different kind of existence then no it is not so difficult to cope with

have you ever read Johnathan Livingstone Seagull by Richard Bach ..

Twiglett · 14/08/2005 19:22

however I do find the concept of ever having to leave my children abominably difficult to contemplate

fairyfly · 14/08/2005 19:26

Noooooo, absolutely not. When i was 16 i rang my mates house and ranted to his mother that he had stood me up. She replied he is intensive care. I went and stood outside, wasn't allowed in but i persuaded the night nurse to let me ( a night long vigil is better with attention) he was not my mate. He was dead. God bless him, he was funny as fuck.

Next time was my other friend, we had a reputation of me being a charitable kind of girl as she was in a wheelchair. Ha, she looked after me, i wasn't kind to her. Anyhow, i knew she was going to die and my youngest boy sat on her bed while she could barely move and he got baptised. She kissed him and looked at him adoringly. Last moment i see in her eyes. I got there too late when she died. I could only hug a corpse. But one of the most wonderful experiences of my life, i really really feel like i witnessed her soul leaving.

So nope not scared of death, it is too raw

steffee · 14/08/2005 19:58

I don't have any answers either, it can be sad.

Janh · 14/08/2005 21:00

A girl in DS1's class died this week - she was 17 and was struck with an incredibly rare form of cancer just over a year ago - he says she was a lovely girl, he saw her recently and she was talking about her plans for the future. (He also told me that once in class she was trying to take notes, put her pen down and cried because she just couldn't do it any more; he never told me at the time).

Her parents have 2 other daughters aged 14 and 10 and I cannot imagine how the hell they are all coping, I get choked thinking about her and I never even met her.

Death is not a problem for those who die but it is for those left behind and there is no answer.

Janh · 14/08/2005 21:14

She had this .

It says "Less than 60 children are diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma in the UK each year. Most of them are younger than 10 years old. It is more common in boys than girls."

She was diagnosed at 16.

jennifersofia · 14/08/2005 21:32

Mentally I know that it happens, but emotionally I find it very hard to accept. When my brother died, and even now, I had a strong feeling in my body of revulsion - not revulsion like feeling sick exactly, just like my whole emotional being was repelling the concept of death.

gigglinggoblin · 14/08/2005 21:41

my 4 year old picked up a leaf today and said 'im going to save this for you mummy, and when you get old and die and become a child again you can play with it'. i asked him where he got the idea from and he thought and said his brother (6) told him, but he denied it and said that when you die you just see black. have never really talked to younger one about it. makes you wonder tho

trefusis · 14/08/2005 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pixiefish · 14/08/2005 21:44

this bothers me as well but i have no answers but just couldn't read and not post for you mismash xxx

Pixiefish · 14/08/2005 21:44

this bothers me as well but i have no answers but just couldn't read and not post for you mismash xxx

Rubineski · 14/08/2005 21:48

Hello.
My brother died too, a few years ago, in his mid thirties. I still torture myself daily about the whole concept of death. I just have to be walking down the road with DS and everything we do warps itself in my imagination to a situation where he potentially dies. I'm sure this is normal motherhood angst, but made worse by knowing what losing someone feels like.
I was in London in July when the bombs went off - just a street away from the bus bomb, and that brought it all home again. I just have to go to a shopping centre and I'm panicking - thinking that a bomb could go off.
My son walks over a drain and I'm already imagining diving in after him when he falls in.
DP goes to work and I already imagine the train crash.
I think, because death is so unimaginably impossible to get your head round, that your brain is always dealing with it (or at least mine is), trying to figure it out. But we don't ever figure it out.
Because if we think about it too hard it's like looking into a box full of the worst feelings ever. Like that scene in Indiana Jones when all the evil spirits came out of the tomb and he had to keep his eyes shut. It's just so awful that you can't look straight at it. So because you're never looking straight at it you can never try and understand it.
If that makes any sense at all!

edodgy · 14/08/2005 21:55

It bothers me too, My dad died when i was 15 and my mum when i was 22 and all my grandparents are gone. After my mum died i felt an amazing sense of calm about dying as i was actualy with her when she died i did feel like her soul left her body as she exhaled for the last time her body didnt look asleep either it looked like a shell kind of like a latex dummy as though she herself wasnt there anymore. Also the things she was saying on the day she died gave me comfort as she seemed to be talking to relatives who had gone before her and she asked if her mum was coming for her. The strange thing was in her last hour of life me and my two aunties that were there all smelt a strong smell of lavendar over the bed.lavendar was my nanas favourite perfume and my mum always said she could smell her whenever she was upset. However though I was calm and ok with death after that experience since having my dd im more aware of my own mortality and realise how hard it was for my mum to leave me (she knew she was dying of breast cancer whereas my dad died suddenly), Leaving my dd frightens me more than anything and because of that I am now so scared of dying especially before she reaches adulthood.

edodgy · 14/08/2005 21:58

Rubineski OMG im exactly like you thank god someone else is like this too I make my dp give me 2 rings on the phone when he gets to work so i know he's got in safe if he doesnt ring im then scared to ring his mobile in case the police answer and tell me he's been in a car crash, im always thinking the worst. I think what it is is that you like me havent got the luxury of believing these things wont happen to us because they have and they do we dont have that safety net anymore of believing these things only happen to someone else.

Rubineski · 15/08/2005 09:09

Edodgy! Glad you are the same too!!!!

Sometimes I feel I'm going mad. My rational bit of my brain tells me I'm being stupid but, if I'm not concentrating on anything, it's so easy for my mind to slip into this worrying mode. I don't even realise I'm doing it some of the time. I could be standing at a road crossing and, before I know what's happened, I've already imagined the crash, the police arriving, them calling my partner, the reading of the will and the rest of my DS's life stretching out before him without a mother!!

Thankfully my group of mums keep me sane and often tell me I'm not going mad (I think they're just being nice but hell! - it works!)

Hang on in there!

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