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Original poster

Writing cards for people whose christmas isn't going to be merry.

26 replies

Wonderstuff · 10/12/2009 15:43

What to write? Neighbours son died a few years ago around this time, don't want to wish them a 'happy christmas' seems insensitive when it is such a difficult time of year for them.
Ideas?

OP posts:
cece · 10/12/2009 15:45

Thinking of you this Christmas

izzybiz · 10/12/2009 15:46

I bought a card that was blank inside, and just wrote, "wishing you peace and love at this time of year."

HTH.

Bumblelion · 10/12/2009 15:46

My boss' wife died last Christmas - in his card I wrote "wishing you a peaceful Christmas" as he has been invited here, there and everywhere but just wants a quiet one at home.

Original poster
Wonderstuff · 10/12/2009 15:46

Perfect, why couldn't I think of that, thank-you cece x

OP posts:
MrsBadger · 10/12/2009 15:48

with best wishes for Christmas and the New Year

everlong · 10/12/2009 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doubleexpresso · 10/12/2009 17:45

We have a family member who lost her husband and children in an accident. I always feel really awful sending her cards, but she always sends us one and asks after our children. I normally buy an 'arty' wintery card and put 'with our love. Thinking of you.' It's really hard to write the right thing.

onlyjoking9329 · 10/12/2009 21:32

Thinking of you at this time.
In our thoughts, wishing you peace.
christmas cards are difficult, we didnt send any last year as i couldn't bear to write them without my Dhs name on them, we had a few cards with his name on them from people who didnt know he had died.

KristinaM · 10/12/2009 21:35

OJ - we lots a child a few years ago and we now write Christmas cards from " Kristina, John and family" so we don't have to miss out his name

izzybiz · 11/12/2009 07:52

KeistinaM- My SIL still puts her Dds name in cards, she says she will always be part of their family wherever she is

MissM · 11/12/2009 13:04

It's lovely that you're thinking this way. It was Christmas two months after my brother died last year. Some of my oldest and once closest friends wrote things like 'Have a fantastic Christmas'. I haven't spoken to that particular friend since - still don't know how I'll handle such sentiments this year. The suggestions you've been given are brilliant.

WingedVictory · 11/12/2009 23:05

I gather from friends who have lost family that nothing can make them feel much worse, so it's good is people come right out and address the sadness of spending the holiday without the loved one. Say something like: "We are also remembering X; his memory is alive with us, too." It might well make them cry, but they will probably cry anyway, so why not have them cry because they are moved, rather than because they feel alone in their grief?

MissM · 12/12/2009 07:57

I think that's a lovely thing to say WV. I would far rather people had mentioned my brother in their cards, or my sadness, than pretend everything was normal. That was far far far worse.

Georgimama · 12/12/2009 07:59

And send a pretty, but not cutsey/jolly/comedy card. And no nativity scenes.

peterpansmum · 12/12/2009 08:34

Our son died this year and I have to say you're totally spot on WV

I am not sending any cards this year as i need to concentrate my energy on the things that have to be done for our surviving child. However day after day i'm opening cards from friends who are behaving like nothing has happened I cry when I open them, I cry because i think people are forgetting about him. I'd love to be crying because I know they remember him which i'm sure they do but they just don't know how to express that to me. Some friends have written some lovely things in cards which i totally appreciate.

hocuspontas · 12/12/2009 09:00

I always look for winter scenes with 'Season's greetings' printed inside and put a 'thinking of you' message.

catinthehat2 · 12/12/2009 09:19

Good reminder,thank you. I have one card like this to write, this is very helpful.

Rangirl · 12/12/2009 09:26

I just wanted to say that aftr DS1 was still born a few years ago I found that a lot of people who had not contacted us at all at the time then put a note in the christmas card about how sorry they were etc which I found quite upsetting .So I would stick to thinking of you or the like.Christmas cards generally I did not feel so bad about as it is such a big thing but Happy birthday cards 3 weeks after the event I found odd

TrinityReindeer · 12/12/2009 09:29

I haven't written any cards this year
I dont want to miss out neils name

but thinking of you at this time of year is lovely

and you're very kind to be thikning of how to be sensitive

shelleylou · 12/12/2009 09:32

I recieved one of FMIL, card was really nice. It reads A Loving christmas greeting that brings a double share of thanks and warm affection for a very special pair. And an extra loving wish that your christmas will bring what you both deserve. The best of everything. I dont think i could deal with Merry christmas in it

mumoverseas · 12/12/2009 12:07

I'm not sending cards this year as not looking forward to my first christmas without my mum and dad. Instead, I've set up a memorial/tribute page with their favourite charity (as famous childens charity they supported since their first son died aged 3)
Donations can be made at any time so I've just donated what I would have spent on cards and on Christmas day I will make another donation representing what I would have spent on mum and dad's presents. Ditto on their birthdays.

It would be nice of people did things like this, even just a few pounds here and there really makes a difference to some charities.

I'm sorry to the rest of you that have lost loved ones and hope you manage to get through the forthcoming holidays ok x

jobhuntersrus · 12/12/2009 18:22

I would avoid Merry Christmas, have a great day etc. I think sending love and best wishes, thinking of you at this time of year is best.
I lost a brother christmas eve and got very angry and upset the next christmas when people seemed to not have remembered what had happened the year before and how I might have been feeling.

travellingwilbury · 14/12/2009 09:51

I agree with what everyone has said already but I just wanted to add one that really upset me .

Our son died on the 2nd Dec so that first christmas we were truly broken and people still sent cards which was fine if they were sensitive but one of the things a lot of people put in was "Hoping next year is a better year for you both"
Well actually up until the 2nd dec, that yr was the best it could have possibly been as I had my son with me .

I do know they meant it with the best of intentions but I always wanted to chuck those cards at the nearest person .

WingedVictory · 14/12/2009 22:52

Oh, bugger. I don't know what to say, except sorry that they got it wrong. It's hard on you that they did get it wrong. Is there some way you could include your feelings in a Christmas letter (or on Facebook)? I started writing one of those when I was 30, and it was great fun, but also a chance to acknowledge people who had died, events which had happened, and people who had helped me. That could be a way to coach people to do it better next time? I'm sure they would try harder if they just knew how, although it's a real pity of you have to be the one to tell them...

LilRedWG · 16/12/2009 19:19

I am sending cards this year although, having lost both parents ten months ago, it is the last thing I want to do.

I've bought my cards from Macmillan as they give such great support and I will just be writing, "Wishing you a peaceful Christmas and New Year" in all of them as I can't bear to write Merry Christmas in them.

I'm hoping I don't get any jolly ones as I'll be upset and resentful which feels wrong. On the other hand I do want it to be a merry Christmas for my three y/o DD.

Wonderstuff - thank you for starting this thread and caring so much for your friend.