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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My mum was 90 and very ill..

19 replies

Earthymama · 06/10/2008 11:16

when she died 2 weeks ago. I thought I had prepared myself and yet I'm devaststed and struggling to cope with all the practical stuff.

I know I need to grieve but I did not expect this hollow inside my body. I'm finding it hard to eat and sleep.

I know it's early days but I feel so lost.

OP posts:

Buda · 06/10/2008 11:22

I am sorry Earthymama. I don't think we are ever ready to lose someone. Especially your mum.

Just take it easy and take it one day at a time. Focus on the practicalities for the time being.

charl25 · 06/10/2008 11:22

you need to stay healthy for yourself and your family, i lost my dad with no warning, i was pregnant at the time, so i feel i didnt greive at the time, which i reget now. you must allow yourself time to be upset, no one expects you to be full of the joys, and dancing around the housework. sorry for your loss x

CherryChapstick · 06/10/2008 11:35

Sorry for your loss EM.
I recently lost my Mum too.
The grieving process is such a shock, but is essential to enable you to eventually move on.

I was having a conversation with somebody a few days ago about my grieving StepDad. I was saying that he says he feels he will always feel like this. My friend compared it to when you have a new baby. You are awake day and night, exhausted and completely consumed with this new way of life. If somebody said to you in those early days that one day your baby would sleep all night and you and your DH would get your lives back, you don't get it. The situation is so extreme that you just can't see past it. The thought of the baby not demanding 24 hours a day is unthinkable....because you are consumed by that and can't think of a life beyond that.
But in time, baby does settle.

My point here (even though I waffle so) is that it is easy to get so absorbed into an extreme situation and not see an end to it. There will never be an end to your grief, but one day, soon, you'll realise that even though it still hurts and affects you, it isn't everything anymore.
Lots of love to you.

Original poster

Earthymama · 06/10/2008 11:44

Thank you all.

I think I expected to be ok because she was so ill that I was almost willing her to go. I've looked after her for ages and I don't know what to do without her.

I feel worse today than I did before the funeral. Yet I know she's not suffering any more.

I guess I don't really believe it!

I know I'll be fine.

CC great analogy,

OP posts:

anorak · 06/10/2008 11:48

I'm sorry, Earthymama. It's easy to think that you shouldn't be sad when someone is very old and they die. But she was your mum, and you would probably never be 'ready' to lose her.

Losing a parent is tough in another way too. It makes you feel very aware of your own mortality - and suddenly more responsible, as if you've moved up a tier.

CherryChapstick · 06/10/2008 12:07

EM; I'm glad you understood my ramblings.
It is never good to lose a parent, old or young.
Somehow, one day you will become stronger from this experience. I'm not there yet myself,- I still have 'Mrs.Angry' moments as it is so unfair. I know though that it can only get better, as you do.
Don't try to rush yourself now, it is important to process this mourning period.

ajandjjmum · 06/10/2008 12:20

I am so sorry about your Mum.

Remember that you are not just having to cope with your grief (and from my experience, you can never be properly prepared), but from exhaustion as you'd been caring for her.

My Mum cared for my Dad, so as well as losing her partner of 50 years +, she also lost what was in effect a full time job.

Time will help, but take care of yourself in the meantime. I hope you have people around who can look after you now.

cathcat · 06/10/2008 12:25

The funeral is something to aim for and to plan so takes up time and 'headspace' so I think it is naturally you feel worse after it. Also there is that feeling of everyone else going back to their normal lives and the grieving people are stuck with all these emotions and not sure where to put them ( this is my experience, my dad died 13 days ago) One day at a time I think and it will get better.

Evenstar · 06/10/2008 12:52

I have posted on your other thread Earthymama, then saw this one. for you, after my DH's funeral things did seem worse, as cathcat says you can focus on the funeral planning, I think it is hard after the funeral it is sort of getting on with the rest of your life then without your loved one. I find it best to take one day at a time and not look too far ahead. You will find it hard and be kind to yourself and look after your health. I am sorry for your loss.

Original poster

Earthymama · 06/10/2008 23:03

Thank you it helps to know you are thinking of me, Evenstar I'm so sorry that you have been through this, I'll remember you in my blessings of the day.

CC same day as my mum I think?

I told DP that I wish I was from a culture that wails and screams as I'm sure that would help. We are going to do a ritual to meet our needs as the Christian one would have met my mum's. That should help.

I'm just feeling that I'm incapable of doing anything, as though I have flu. I think the next afternoon I get I'll cwtch up on sofa with a book and some ice-cream and try to relax.

Blessings to you all EM

OP posts:

dizzywitches · 06/10/2008 23:07

EM, am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my mum 10wks ago and its just the most awful thing. We were also 'prepared' as she'd been battling cancer for 6years and we know it had finally won

take care of yourself and do what you need to do to help you grieve

Original poster

Earthymama · 12/10/2008 20:12

I'm worse today than ever; I just feel so panicky and scared. I'm trying to sort her things for charity, maybe to sell wheelchair and walking support. They are stuck upstairs in my grandchildren's room so they can't stay over just when I need them.

I found her rollers and face powder and could run away from it all.

My kitchen sprang a leak and I need new cupboards. this is being sorted next week as is new floor in living room. This means I need to move every moveable thing from downstairs to upstairs. Upstairs is full of books for school sale and all the things I need to make decisions about.

I'm so useless at the moment and I need to be on top form to deal with all the paperwork.

I want to be calm and effecient, not a wailing mess. Sorry to whine, seems to be my default setting

OP posts:

fizzbuzz · 12/10/2008 20:49

Don't rush into sorting things out. Can't you leave the stuff in your grandchildren's room?

My mum died at 85, she was still my mum even though she was 85, and it used to make me feel terrible when people trying to comfort me were going on about what a long life she had....it didn't make me miss her any less.

Haven't you anyone who can help you sort out. It took me and db 2 years to finally clear out my mums house, but I am glad we took our time.

It is such a shock however you are ready for it. Thinking of you, and all the other mnetters who have lost their mums

But we are still here and surviving as they would want us to do

Evenstar · 12/10/2008 23:06

I agree with fizzbuzz, don't rush into clearing your mum's things away, I find it is very hard and have only done the minimum of DH's stuff. You will know when you are ready, is there anyone who could store some larger items for you? I have put a lot of DH's things into a cardboard archive box, so that I still have them for now and I am not being reminded by seeing them all the time. Thinking of you and thank you for your blessings xx

katale · 12/10/2008 23:18

i lost my mum 10yrs ago and she was only 65. I miss all the mumsy chats and every Christmas and on her birthday I buy some flowers,,,,this helps me even now.

Original poster

Earthymama · 12/10/2008 23:53

I'm such a control freak and worry about the unimportant stuff instead of the really important stuff, IYSWIM?

DP finished report and came to help me and suddenly it wasn't so bad. I'm so rubbish at admitting I need help so will try to work on that.

FB the lovely guy in the butchers said oh yes you only have one mam, and though I agree I do think he was wondering why on earth I say that!! I smiled to myself all day....I did reassure him that I was fine.

I'm going to light some incense and think some nice thoughts now.

Thank you ladies,for sharing your experiences with me, hope you find some peace tonight

OP posts:

pamelat · 14/10/2008 21:18

Go easy on yourself.

I never understand it when people say "oh well she was X years old and had a good life", yes its 'better' than having died young but its still the lost of that very person.

M grandma (who is 85) almost died in August (a couple of heart attacks). Amazingly she has pulled through (for now) and is back home but whilst she was in hospital my cousin and I visited every day and cried most nights. Everyone told us "but shes an old lady, she has had her life" BUT she is our GRANDMA. I could never get through to anyone how important she is as herself. Her age is irrelevant to me.

I cant imagine anything worse than to lose a parent, a partner or a especially a child However old I am or they are.

ScottishMummy · 14/10/2008 21:25

loss is heartfelt because of who a person is/was their connection not their chronological age

pamelat · 16/10/2008 13:46

ScottishMummy, thats exactly what my waffle meant to say.

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