When you know your siblings won’t help

[Grasslawngrasslawn]

One of my parents died last year. I am the sole executor for both. My siblings took that as an opportunity to do absolutely nothing to help with sorting the estate for our remaining parent, even commented that they were ‘pleased’ that they didn’t have to do it. One offered to do small task and delayed and delayed to the point that I needed to take over otherwise it would never have got done
and the estate wouldn’t have been settled.
To be clear, they were on extended compassionate leave during that time and so not in work so had the free time to do this task. The excuse for not doing anything was they are grieving and have a child to look after (in school during the day so again not occupied 24/7 and could have managed a small bit of admin!!!!!).

The experience was incredibly upsetting and that was in a situation with a very straightforward will (everything to surviving parent), all joint accounts and no house to empty and sell yet.

So I have an idea of what I am in for when remaining parent goes. I realise it’s difficult during the immediate aftermath but I can’t wait forever for them to be bothered to pitch in. I will likely have to move home for a bit/travel back and forth from hours away to do it all and with a very intense job myself I will need to be quite strict about when I do things. Basically it will be horrific for me and they will likely do nothing except ask when they are getting any inheritance.

What would you put in place if you were me to help ease the burden. Adding one of them as a joint executor is out of the question as they aren’t likely to be any better.

Not sure what you can put in place

Some of this depends how much money there is and how much you will be bothered about it

Can you just tell them that a solicitor will have to do the whole thing? That will obviously cost a lot, but it sounds like you are completely overwhelmed anyway.

What I have done is said that if they will do no admin at all, they can damn pay me for doing it. I will then attach an hourly bill to the estate.

In reality, I think there may be no relationship between us at all when the time comes, because they’ll think I’m being cruel and it’s not their fault because they’re “not good at these things”

Maybe the promise of some money will actually make them pull their finger out I don’t know.

If you have to go a long way to sort things out, and they don’t …I would actually refuse to do that. But it depends how bothered you are about getting your inheritance in a timely fashion.

My db was the executor of my mum's will. Hed already done it for my dad. He couldn't face doing it again for my mum and appointed a solicitor which I totally supported.

Solicitor could be an option for the estate and I think there would be funds to cover. I don’t really care if that whittles down what’s left to inherit. I’d still need to clear the house.

When my other parent died I felt I couldn’t grieve until it was done. It’s not about money for me (I hope remaining parent spends it all to be frank) but getting the mental headspace to recover. Having to repeatedly call places to say they had died was something I didn’t expect to be as hard as it was.

I’ve half a mind to give them a weekend to come and take whatever they want from the house and then book a clearance company. I’ll be labelled as cruel I’m sure of it. The trouble is it’s a job that needs to be done.

When the time comes, appoint a solicitor as executor and pay for it out of the estate. You don't need any more stress. If that means the house has to be sold then so much the better. there can't be any arguments over it. Selling a probate property is just another heap of stress and time.

If you’re not bothered about the money, I would just hand it over to solicitors

Tell them they can do whatever they want to do themselves of course there is a lot they can do without involving solicitors or any other administration

I suppose it’s not impossible, they might step up? I know I’m saying that just as much for myself… cynically, I think if there is money involved they might step up.

when you say the calls, do you mean the official ones? Because I found the Tell Us Once Service really helpful and I think there is something similar for banks.

Give your siblings a list of calls to make. I am planning to do that. If they don’t do it, they can’t complain when it’s not done. Equal split.

similar plan with House clearance I don’t care how much it cost. I don’t think anyone will want anything sentimental anyway though so I’m not worried about that. It’s mainly the sale that I’m worried about that they are proven to be absolutely hopeless with stuff like that- not because they can’t because they’re really lazy

Like I say, I’m hoping that money will push them along.

Absolutely agree. Give them a deadline then get a house clearance firm in. If you possibly can, though, try and visit and do an inventory of valuable or sentimental personal items now. Photograph important things. Make sure you have copies of important paperwork.
I am helping 2 friends in a similar situation at the moment and it is very stressful.

You cannot charge the estate for your time unless all adult beneficiaries agree.

You can outsource it to a solicitor though.

They’ve actually agreed already - if they don’t agree when the time comes then they can pull their fingers out. If they want the money, which I presume they do.

can’t sell the house full of Stuff

The Tell us once service was helpful and obviously there were calls where they needed it to be me/have a copy of the death certificate etc. There were also things that didn’t need this, cancelling hobby subscriptions, helping surviving parent work out finances (they had no clue who provided what in their house) and helping to get utilities switched over into surviving parents name. HMRC made a bit of a mess with final tax bills that we had to query but again that didn’t need me specifically.

House doesn’t have much of huge value. There is some expensive jewellery which surviving parent has hidden and it’s just me that knows where it is (makes me wonder if someone isn’t trustworthy). But apart from that it’s all pretty old fashioned stuff no one is likely to want.

You can employ solicitors and a house clearance company. The executor ( you or solicitor on your behalf) needs to secure the house, so no random turning up by family. The solicitor can arrange the house clearance company. You can hand over the keys to the solicitor and any request for access after that can be handled by them.

Absolutely hand it over to a solicitor and house clearance company.

I’ve told our executors to just ring around some recommended solicitors and hand it over. I didn’t want to nominate a firm as they could not exist or not be very good in X years time.

I’m happy to get the locks changed myself - it will be one of the first things I do. I can’t explain it but I just have a bad feeling about one sibling in particular rifling through the house whilst the rest of us aren’t there (based on comments they made whilst other parent was dying). We’ve all got keys. As I know parent has hidden some things I can’t be sure what else there might be - they have form for stashing cash in the house. Luckily for the jewellery there is a list of who is to get what with a photo of each item so there can be no arguments.

@Grasslawngrasslawn oh if lock changes are necessary I think we’re probably in Very different situations

I’d have trouble reminding mine that they’ve got keys which they probably lost ages ago

Yeah basically I expect no help with clearing the house of junk that no one wants but combing through for things that might be of value is another story altogether.

The list of jewellery showing who gets what - is that list actually mentioned in their will? Because if not, it isn't legally binding at all.

I suspect that when the time comes and their inheritance is nigh, your siblings will come flying out of the woodwork at high speed wanting their due.

I did the house clearance strategy with both my parents. With my DF was estranged from my sibling so I did everything (it was very straightforward). With my DM my sibling and I spent one weekend going through her stuff and seeing what we wanted to keep such as photos etc and then I instructed a house clearance company.
I didn’t overthink it, my time is valuable.

I had to do the vast majority of dealing with my Mum’s estate when she died. Three DBs who lived close by did very little (one did nothing and the other two did “in the moment” stuff like a bit of cleaning or mowing the lawn).

All the planning, admin, dealing with third parties and the mental load fell to me. I live a long way away and have a demanding full-time job. It was hard! I fitted in the admin and paperwork where I could. It was a straightforward estate. Had it been complicated I would have handed it to a solicitor to deal with.

The thing I did find very difficult to manage was clearing the house. I organised a charity house clearance but I still had to travel down to go through and prepare everything and oversee the clearance itself. That took a couple of weekends and was hard work.

The house clearance dealt with most of the furniture but it still left lots of paperwork / personal effects etc to sort through and that all took a few more weekends. Was all fairly miserable doing it on my own and in an empty house with barely any furniture!

I then oversaw the house sale which was a drag for various boring reasons. Once it was sold and the estate distributed it was such a relief!

So, main thing I would say is try to get some help with the house clearance. Or take a week off work and blitz it rather than having it stretch out over weeks / months as it did for me, meaning no rest after a busy week at work.

You have my sympathies though - it is a bit rubbish when siblings abdicate responsibility and just leave you holding the baby. I wonder how common it is.

I wonder how many posters here are eldest daughters ?

I am and I have 3 siblings . my two brothers are Nc with everyone in my family , my younger sister is very flaky , sadly I already know dealing with my moms estate will be left down to me to sort

I’m the eldest daughter and I’m my mums carer , and live nearby, so when my mum goes , it will be me who will do pretty much everything. Myself and my two siblings are executor’s but they’re both not local

As far as I am aware the list is appended to the will/it’s all set out there but you’re right I should double check that and if not get parent to update whilst they can to save any trouble. Certainly my late parent’s wedding ring was listed as an item to be bequeathed to a specific person in the will.

I’d be able to relocate for a short period of time and WFH from there which would help but I also don’t see why I should be away from my support network to do so at such an awful time - husband would need to remain at home for his work. I think the advice here is spot on - deal with the valuables and then disengage and get someone else in to handle it.

I am the eldest daughter, really funny how that works out. The logic was that as I don’t have children it won’t be as burdensome for me (yes I’m going to need therapy in time).

It’s totally crap. As it is it’s mostly me that does anything for remaining parent - the others just flit in and out. It’s made me look at them in a totally different light.

I’ve recently had to deal with my DFs estate and fortunately my DSis and I worked together to clear it. One thing we found really helpful was to get a load of confidential document disposal bags and fill them with the cupboards full of old financial papers. When they were all filled we just called for them to be collected and taken for shredding.

I do feel for you OP but there is one job you can start on now with your surviving parent and that’s photos.

My experience of clearing houses of several elderly relatives is they will have ordered duplicate packs of every film, kept every photo and negative even pics that were out of focus, too far away to identify people, pretty flowers, squirrels and birds in their garden, every car they ever owned … the list of useless photos is endless.

Going through them, whittling them down to half a shoe box and naming and dating them - with your parent - can make a huge difference when looking for photos for a funeral and for memories afterwards. it also makes a great present for an elderly relative if you put them all in a printed photo book with notes about each pic. They can take it with them if going into care or hospital, spend time going through it with visitors or just enjoy privately without pics falling out or getting confused because they can’t remember someone’s name.

That’s a lovely idea .

All reasonable expenses can be charged by you to the estate, so you need to keep very detailed records.

Lay executors cannot charge for their time UNLESS the will contains an express charging clause. I suggest you ask your remaining parent if that can be added in due to the time burden and the additional time needed etc you anticipate in the future.

Essentially, given you know it will all fall to you to sort it out, I suggest there is some nominal benefit that is codified in the will.

This is all really good advice, I hadn’t thought about photos but there are tons of boxes of filled with them in the attic. It might actually be a good opportunity to see what else is up there and see if we can manage a bit of a clear out. Likewise confidential paperwork, there shouldn’t be much as I sorted through it all when dealing with the estate but it’s one less thing to worry about.

I have a challenging sibling, my surviving parent was happy with my suggestion to use a solicitor for probate once the time came, it’s a relief. Houseclearing might become of interest if you suggest to siblings and dividing up what’s there?