Family really not that bothered

[2010Aussie]

My Mum died a year ago. Big turn-out for the funeral which was lovely but then people forgot us. I have no close family - siblings, partner, children - it's just me now but quite a large extended family living in the area. Plus a lot of long-standing family friends, many of whom (plus some of the family) benefitted financially from the will.

Family didn't remember when her birthday came round until they were reminded. Very little contact since then despite me reaching out several times. Decided NOT to splash Mum's anniversary all over social media. Contacted a couple of my friends to say "It's going to be a difficult week. Are you around for a bit of moral support?" One didn't respond at all; another said "Yes. Get in touch." When I did, she was busy.

I feel very isolated. Very lonely when I'm not at work. How do I deal with the fact that people are just not interested any more? Facing a bit of a long, dark tunnel at the moment and would be grateful for any advice. Thanks

I'm so sorry you're feeling let down. Some people just don't have this impulse to remember stuff like this. If you need support then be clear. If it's not forth coming then you make a decision about whether to keep these people in your life.

But why would your friends remember when your mum’s birthday is? I’m assuming they didn’t celebrate it when she was alive, it’s not going to be in their heads just because she’s died?
I have some wonderful friends. One of them, her mum died unexpectedly about 8 years ago. I’ve no idea when the date was, and I’ve definitely got no idea when her birthday was. I imagine she couldn’t pull that info out about my deceased parent either.

I'm afraid, hard as it is, that's how some people are. My mother died on the other side of the world (most of my family are out there). I went out for her funeral, when I was back in the UK not one of them contacted me to see how I was doing. Not one. Not my brother, her brother, his wife, aunts and uncles in the UK.

I tend to remember that when they are going through hard times. I'll be sympathetic. Put myself out, no chance.

Facing a bit of a long, dark tunnel at the moment and would be grateful for any advice. Thanks

I'm so sorry. It's shit to realise family aren't who you thought they were. ❤

I had explained to my friends that my Mum's anniversary was coming up and I just needed a bit of cheering up. One in particular (who never met Mum) is great fun. I wasn't expecting them to remember the date spontaneously.

My point is that the family and family friends HAD spent time with her - going back many years. She supported several of them in different ways - some financially - and left bequests for them. I have reached out to these people during the course of the year but with very little interest on their part.

I'm the kind of person who remembers a birthday two days after, and often thinks to send a text checking how someone is, but usually at midnight when it's too late to send it. In that respect I'm a pretty crap friend and would seem not to care.

But I will listen and listen to whoever needs to talk. I remember friends' family members with genuine fondness even when I only met them a few times, and I know what it's like to grieve for much loved parents. If friends don't want to talk but just want distraction, they're welcome to pop by at any time and be distracted by my three cute and funny (but far from relaxing, and not helpful for serious conversations) children.

Maybe among your friends there's someone like me, who truly does care, and is ready to listen if you want to cry over a cuppa or a photo album. Grief feels isolating even when you're surrounded by supportive people, because each person's memories of the one they've lost are unique, and no one else will have had quite the same relationship with them.

Ideally friends should be checking up on you. But rather than sit back and suffer alone, I'd recommend taking the initiative. "I'm feeling really sad about my mum. Can you spare half an hour on the phone one evening this week between 7 and 11pm to be shoulder to cry on?" "I'm struggling at the moment. Is there a Saturday evening next month when you could come round for a meal?". "I'm struggling and really just want to chat about missing mum. Could I come and talk to you while we work together on your ironing/painting/bulk cooking/decluttering/gardening for a couple of hours?"

In an ideal world it wouldn't be necessary. But the principal isn't as important as getting support. Praying that you'll find comfort and peace.

Ah, OP, this is so shit. I totally feel you. And I am sorry for your loss.

I’m coming up on the first anniversary of my own mum’s death, and everyone (including my sibling) seems to have carried blithely on as though she never existed.

I’m just gobsmacked that an entire person who was central to so many people’s lives can disappear from everyone’s awareness so completely, in so little time.

It’s in danger of making me a bit nihilistic in my outlook.

I’m wishing you some measure of comfort.

Thank you for this. That is my situation exactly. It was the speed at which people forgot her which was disappointing. Christmas was just a few weeks after the funeral and several family members didn't contact me/send a card. Nothing. Even for those who say "We're not sending Christmas cards this year - we're giving the money to charity instead," you would think that they might make an exception to someone who is recently bereaved or at least send a message near the day.

Thank you. That's lovely and very helpful advice.