Left stepfather to die alone , can’t cope with the guilt

[Cosycatsclub]

My stepfather died 4 weeks ago , he had been in a nursing home and on an end of life pathway for a long time. My mother absolutely controlled his life , cut him off from his family many years ago and didnt even like myself or my children to visit him without her being present . His passing took four days and was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen . I talked to him , swabbed his mouth , put balm on his lips , monitored his feet and hands when they started to go cold and skin mottled , I was so invested in seeing him over the line In the last few hours my mum suddenly announced she had spoken to the care home manager and as his wife and next of kin she wanted us all to leave including herself and leave him to die alone as that’s what he had told her he wanted years ago apparently ( first time she had ever said this and hadnt mentioned it in the previous 4 days ), I begged and pleaded on my knees but she said no she was his wife and next of kin and it was her decision , so we left and he passed with a carer with him 5 hours later I can’t cope with this guilt why didn’t I just refuse to go , they couldn’t have carried me out , but I was so weak broken and exhausted I let this happen and I hate myself . He was unconscious and had been for the last 2 days of the 4 but ti keep thinking he was screaming inside his own head please don’t leave me and I can’t get over this .I relive it all the time and imagine the end being different with he being there to the end , I’m so destroyed , thank you for reading .

You were kind and caring and compassionate and loving to him and he will have known this and felt it and been comforted by it.
I'm so sorry you're suffering. There's a lot here to unpack and sometime you might want to see a counsellor.
But for now please rest. You did so much. You obviously really cared about him. He will have felt this care @Cosycatsclub .
I'm very sorry for your loss and your distress. 💐🥀

I’m so sorry.

People often die alone - not because they’re not loved, but because they seem to wait until it’s quiet to slip away.

It probably took all his energy to feel your love when you were there. When that wasn’t there, he could let himself slip away.

Be kind to yourself xxx

This. I was with my DF for a few days before he passed and he was deteriorating hour by the hour but he was still clinging on. I left one night and sort of knew deep down it was going to happen - I got the call two hours later. I felt guilty too but I think he was waiting for me to go.

This.

A friend died after several weeks in a hospice. The nurses there, whom visitors got to know enough to chat to, spoke about their experience of different patients. Some would hang on until a specific relative had turned up, others would wait for the rare moment they were left until there were no visitors inbthe room before slipping away.

Your stepdad had made his wishes known in this respec to his wife. You have nothingbto feel guilty about.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm really sorry for your loss, I hope you can realise you did everything for him and sounds like you cared for him so deeply and with so much love. It sounds like you did all you could x

I’m very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were very caring towards him at the end of his life.

The alternative would have been for him to die while an argument raged all around him, and that would not have been better.

You provided love and care while he was conscious and stepped away gracefully as asked and let him pass away in peace.

There may be guilt to bear here, but it’s not yours.

Oh, OP. He knew you loved him. I bet that was an enormous comfort to him. Please don’t beat yourself up, but I do hope you can now step away from your mother

Your stepdad was unconscious. He may even have been dreaming. I doubt very much that he knew if anyone was with him at the end, let alone who it was.

I'm very sorry for your loss and please don't feel guilty. You did all you could for him and he would have known that you loved him.

There's a very good book by a forensic pathologist, Richard Shepherd, called Unnatural Causes. Despite having dealt with cases in which people died in awful ways the book is quite reassuring as he clearly feels that the moment of death itself is not a terrible thing. I think your stepfather would have known you loved him, and hopefully he was aware of the same from his children. But also he made a choice to be with your mother and you can't blame yourself for the consequences of that decision.

There's nothing wrong with dying alone, OP. Many people choose to do so - I know I certainly will, if the choice arises.

Please just be kind to yourself. You were there for as long as you could be. Please take sometime to rest and recover. Hopefully his funeral or cremation will allow you to celebrate his life with others.

Oh OP, it sounds like you really didn’t have a choice. You did absolutely everything you could do up until your mum took over. Please don’t beat yourself up. He knew you were there till the end.

Thank you so much for all your replies , I feel slightly lighter in myself because of you all tonight .