Hello.
Im not really sure why im writing this. I think maybe its because im hoping that writing it down may help in some way. Sorry in advance for the long post! I lost my father to terminal cancer a couple of months ago. I spent 11 months helping care for him. He passed away in quite a traumatic way. He wasn't given any paliative care during his last few days at home due to an IT error. They kept promising hospice nurses but they never came. I went to take care of him at home and he ended up collapsing in the bathroom. I picked him up off the floor and sat hugging him. He was screaming in pain. He passed away in my arms as I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Needless to say I havent felt right since. I have a husband and 2 children to take care of, so i dusted myself off and tried to carry on as though I was capable. Ive been a stay at home mum for 5 years now. I gave up my job of 14 years to care for my children as my husband had started him own buisness.
Now until my Dad passed away I hadn't ever really seen how much i had been taken advantage of by DH. The day after my father died he created a huge argument with our teenage son and the gave me the silent treatment for several days, leaving me to deal with my grief by myself. At one point I broke down in front of him and told him I just needed to be held, and he barely looked up from his phone. 2 weeks later I found a lump in my breast. I have the faulty breast cancer gene in my family so the doctor didn't mess about and put me on a 7 day cancer pathway, where I would go to a one stop breast clinic. I would be scanned and biopsed on the same day and be given the news on if it was breast cancer or not. The thought of even stepping foot in the hospital terrified me as id spent 11 months traveling too and from with my Dad before he died. Id have hoped that my husband would have offered to come with me for support, just in case it was bad news, but he wasn't bothered. He got ready for work that morning and just shouted "youll have to let me know how you go on " up the stairs as he left. I cried quietly ( so the kids wouldnt hear)for few minutes to get it out of my system and then went to get the kids packed lunches ready for school, school run sorted and off to hospital. Luckily it wasn't bad news!
On top of navigating grief over the last couple of months ive also began to have horrendous peri menopause symptoms meaning that im just not sleeping. Once again my husband refuses to acknowledge the struggles. Im at home with the kids alone for 9 days now as its half term and Ive asked him if it may be possible for him to have a couple of days off, so we can at least do something as a family. He flew into a huge rage and began to tell me I was a lazy cow. Apparently all I do each day is a couple of loads of washing and he doesn't see why Im making out that what im doing is hard work. Just to build a clearer picture I single handedly take care of a 10 year old and a 13 yr old and a house, on top of all of his business admin such as invoicing and payroll etc. I save him £1000s of pounds a year just on accountancy fees alone before we factor in the unpaid household labour. During this argument I faught my corner hard. I think I was just sick of constantly been taken advantage of and wanted to be heard. Anyway this argument has ended in him demanding that I now return to work full time and earn my own money. Its worth adding that each time we argue this is what he says to me in temper to try and silence me, and then when I start sharing out the household chores and telling him he has to start dong his own buisness admin he quickly retreats and tells me that its something he just says in anger, but this time something has clicked in me. Ive looked back over the last 13 years and realised ive royaly had the pee taken out of me.
I believe ive also suffered financial abuse as I have no access to money. I see what goes into and leaves his bank account as I do his taxes, and hes far from short, but I have no access to his account. He leaves me without money as a punishment if I dare argue with him. I have to ask for cash of i need things for the kids etc, and he tells me if hes not in and I take money then I need to leave a note to say what its really had it for. I dont go out socially. I dont drink or smoke and haven't stepped foot in a salon of any type for almost 3 years. On the opposite end of the spectrum you have my DH who visits the hair dressers every 4 weeks, drinks most nights and treats himself to designer clothes as and when he sees fit. Tonight ive told him its over. Im sure he thinks that im just upset and will come around tomorrow when i tells me he doesnt mean anything hes said. I believe my father dying, although leaving me with trauma, has also given me the oversight to look over life and do away with situations which no longer serve me. Im absolutely terrified of having to throw myslef back into the work force while still grieving and also a 43 yr old single mum but, I feel as though I have the clarity of mind to see that I dont need DH anymore. I dont believe hes ever loved me. I believe hes only ever loved my sacrifice and free labour and how his quaint little family looks to the outside world. Im intressted to know if anyone else has had a completely differant outlook on life due to a bereavement, or am I just falling deeper into the madness that of grief?😅