Supporting DH after his stepmother's death and complicated family dynamics

[NotPerfectlyAdverage]

I have posted in 30 days and then chat im looking for a kinder space to try to help dh. Mn right now feels extremely hostile and dh is steuggling.

Step mil death three weeks ago. Its dh step mum of over 40 years. Basically he was told at the time not to see his dad, as dad was struggling to process it. He still hasn't been welcome to meet his dad. On the surface thats being explained as fil isn't coping or ready or wants to protect dh.

Dh feel totally numb and isn't processing the death. Wants to see mil in chapel of rest but dad said it wasn't possible. Body was still at the hospital. Then at a central processing hub. Now dh is waiting for a call. Our younger kids haven't seen fil or mil in ten years so not going to the funeral. For what ever reason fil has always seemed loving but never wanted us to visit. The older kids remember back to when they did very rarely see him but there's only gauge memories of short visits. Now my 28 year old wants to go to a party so won't be at the funeral either. Given how little the in laws was involved in any of the kids lives we have said this is fine and understandable. Who wants to be at a relative strangers funeral where someone might say in eulogy that this stranger was a doting loving person to you. Its all so dysfunctional. Looks like dh will only have the green light to attend on the day of the funeral because fil needs time and space but his sons needs dont exist.

Realistically dh will see his dad for the first time since the death at the funeral and that's the truth of it. I would just like to say that out loud as im trying to be helpful to dh and support my kids choices. They are 18 and 22 and they are adults

Are you sure they’re doing a funeral ? Many people now are going down the direct cremation route.

Maybe they are doing direct cremation. End of the day your dh rarely saw her and shes not actually his relative. Yes 40 years is a long time but this is really about his dad here.

Yes definitely a funeral and dh is going. But it now seems this be the first time he sees his dad since the death. At the crem.

It is very much feeling like she was fil wife and not dhs step mum right now. That's certainly true. But there's the aspect of not wanting to see his children at the time of his biggest loss, and seeing them only on the day.

Anyway it seems that its going to be that set up almost certainly now. To meet his dad at the service and not travel together. Since this news i think there's not much left to muse over. Dh said he thinks he is going have a mental breakdown.

No wonder step parents get such a bad time. Your told as a child to pretend your step mum is your real mum as a kid to make life easier. But at the end of the day your not family. Dispite what people say.

I dont think I can say anything helpful to dh right now. Is it what is and he thinks he will sit at the back.

I'm really sorry for your DH, this sounds like such a horrible situation. I obviously don't know your FIL but to give him the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like he is completely wrapped up in his grief at the moment (understandably) and cannot see that his son is grieving and in need of support too. I don't have any advice but it's good he has you for support, just make sure to take care of yourself too.

Separately, I'm aghast at the poster who is effectively asking why he cares because she wasn't his relative. What an absolutely thoughtless thing to say and I would have expected much better from a bereavement board, I hope they are ashamed of themselves. I too am a stepchild, and I lost my stepfather of nearly 30 years a week ago. It is such a hurtful comment, to try and invalidate a stepchild's grief like that, and I'm so sorry you've encountered such idiocy at such a horrible time for you all.

Thank you. Maybe my dh is very weird but he did love her very much and is numb right now.

Dh will see his dad for the first time at the service as that's his dad wish. We both know logically that fil is not coping, and he is central here. But I can't see how dh will get past this. Or what his place will be on the day ( front row or at the back not adding to hus dad's burden)

I do think English people are weird about death. Whatever you feel is the wrong thing to feel. Better to feel nothing I guess.