Supporting DH after his stepmother's death and complicated family dynamics

[NotPerfectlyAdverage]

I have posted in 30 days and then chat im looking for a kinder space to try to help dh. Mn right now feels extremely hostile and dh is steuggling.

Step mil death three weeks ago. Its dh step mum of over 40 years. Basically he was told at the time not to see his dad, as dad was struggling to process it. He still hasn't been welcome to meet his dad. On the surface thats being explained as fil isn't coping or ready or wants to protect dh.

Dh feel totally numb and isn't processing the death. Wants to see mil in chapel of rest but dad said it wasn't possible. Body was still at the hospital. Then at a central processing hub. Now dh is waiting for a call. Our younger kids haven't seen fil or mil in ten years so not going to the funeral. For what ever reason fil has always seemed loving but never wanted us to visit. The older kids remember back to when they did very rarely see him but there's only gauge memories of short visits. Now my 28 year old wants to go to a party so won't be at the funeral either. Given how little the in laws was involved in any of the kids lives we have said this is fine and understandable. Who wants to be at a relative strangers funeral where someone might say in eulogy that this stranger was a doting loving person to you. Its all so dysfunctional. Looks like dh will only have the green light to attend on the day of the funeral because fil needs time and space but his sons needs dont exist.

Realistically dh will see his dad for the first time since the death at the funeral and that's the truth of it. I would just like to say that out loud as im trying to be helpful to dh and support my kids choices. They are 18 and 22 and they are adults

Are you sure they’re doing a funeral ? Many people now are going down the direct cremation route.

Maybe they are doing direct cremation. End of the day your dh rarely saw her and shes not actually his relative. Yes 40 years is a long time but this is really about his dad here.

Yes definitely a funeral and dh is going. But it now seems this be the first time he sees his dad since the death. At the crem.

It is very much feeling like she was fil wife and not dhs step mum right now. That's certainly true. But there's the aspect of not wanting to see his children at the time of his biggest loss, and seeing them only on the day.

Anyway it seems that its going to be that set up almost certainly now. To meet his dad at the service and not travel together. Since this news i think there's not much left to muse over. Dh said he thinks he is going have a mental breakdown.

No wonder step parents get such a bad time. Your told as a child to pretend your step mum is your real mum as a kid to make life easier. But at the end of the day your not family. Dispite what people say.

I dont think I can say anything helpful to dh right now. Is it what is and he thinks he will sit at the back.