Bereavement and guilt after inheriting unexpectedly from a difficult friend

[Pearwoman]

I found out about 10 days ago that a friend from years ago had died. She had made me sole executor and beneficiary in her will.

It was horrific she died alone in a care home having been very unwell in there for 7 years. She was totally estranged from family. She was a difficult person, I know that. I was her friend for 30 years and it was difficult to go and see her although we did visit and did keep in touch by SM. We were contacted to pick up her stuff and arrange the death certificate and funeral etc so we drove up there and I was truly overwhelmed with emotion, I felt bad I hadn’t visited more and I felt awful for her life. There were notes about how low she was and how hard her life had been. We assumed she died without any money and we paid for the cremation she wanted. I am sole executor and beneficiary- it has taken a week to access some of her bank accounts and notify various people and I found out on Friday she has left me £200 K in cash and at least one house. It is a mess. She has a tenant for example but hadn’t been in touch with him for years. We have contacted him and he seems reasonable we have no intention of removing him - he is paying rent and he is 80. No gas etc at the house and he has said he hasn’t been paying much rent for 30 years and is ok with it. We have told him we aim to visit (he is 6 hours away) as soon as we can and sort the house or anything that needs doing.

My grief is in waves. I feel truly awful for her, she wrote I leave everything to my one and only friend. And now I find out lives have been changed overnight - the money is enough to change our lives - pay the remaining mortgage off and help the children buy houses etc it is life changing but I feel awful our lives will massively change when hers was so unhappy for 30 years.

What a shock. But it does sound as if you were really the only person she could leave it to, the only person she considered a friend. Who or what was the alternative?

Personally I feel you could maybe donate some to a charity that tried to help her, and ensure the rest is put to good use to give you and your children some security and happiness.

Oh my goodness @Pearwoman I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend, and what a shock for you to learn more of her latter years. She must have had reasons for the estrangement, none of that is your problem in any way.
Please don’t feel guilt, she clearly trusted you and loved you dearly and had done for many years. You’ll need time to process the grief, but don’t put any blame on yourself for anything - you kept in touch in the modern way, as many of us do.
If she hadn’t wanted you to be her beneficiary & executor, she would have changed her will; her care home could have facilitated this appropriately. As it is, she does want you to & your family to benefit from her wealth, which is a wonderful & unexpected bonus from your decades of shared friendship.

She paid close to £1 million for her care home (special one) for the last 8 years a sum of £120,000 a year. She vaguely asked me to be her executor about two decades ago and I said don’t be silly, spend it. She was bed bound for the last 7 years despite efforts to get her an electric wheelchair etc she refused. No charities seemed to have tried to help her and no one at the care home. I phone two old colleagues and told them that she had died and both said they really didn’t like her - these are really nice people but she literally fell out with everyone. About 20 years ago she was horrible to me (unnecessarily unkind when I was pregnant and I stopped speaking to her for about 6 months and sent her an email to explain how awful I had found what she had said to me). I got in touch after the birth of my child and we rekindled the friendship. If you understood her life you would understand why she was so difficult. She had written even more details down. She rarely stayed more than 2 years in a house and moved constantly all over the U.K.. I think she was totally unable to put down roots (trauma at 5 years old) and everyone she knew in early childhood made her total unwelcome and it wasn’t her fault. There are no excuses for some of the things she said to people.

The money will literally change my life. It pays off our mortgage. There is enough for least each child to have a sizeable deposit for a house which is what we have offered them. The will specifies a gift to eldest of a fixed sum but the two others are mentioned because they hadn’t been born and we felt it is only right they all the same. The rest is mine. I’m 54 and had a terrible few years health wise - it leaves me able to retire.

You feel you didn’t do much for her…but by being there for her more than anyone else had you brought some joy to a difficult life.
Now she has helped you in return. Perhaps you could make a donation in her name e.g. to a children’s charity to help others who went through what she did.

I’m sorry for your loss. I hope when your grief subsides you will be able to enjoy your good fortune. You deserve this.