How did you handle all the ‘firsts’?

[angryandbereaved]

Their birthday is coming up. Then it’ll be first Christmas. First new year. How did you cope with it?

My first Christmas after my DH passed away suddenly (in October) was very hard. Our children were 4 and 6, so I tried my best to make it as good as usual, but my heart wasn’t in it and I took the tree down a few days afterwards. His first birthday we wrote cards to him with our news and burned them in the fireplace, a tradition we continued for some years after. But time passes and while I think of him quite often the pain is no longer there, just some sadness.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

When my DP died, together for 45 years, I was dreading all the firsts too. I think because I had such low expectations for these days (especially Christmas) that they were less painful than I assumed they would be. There were moments of sadness and reflection of course but also some joy and hope there.

What did take me unawares were the seemingly smaller things, like writing cards just from Pumpkin/Mum and not looking for a card or gift for DP

Spend the days/season as you feel able too. Don't put pressure on yourself to do what you think is expected or feel as you think you should. Everyone will understand. I didn't send Christmas cards that first year except close family.

Take care of yourself as much as you can

Its hard. The worst time for me was the first New Year’s Eve after he died. I didn’t want to leave that year as he had been in it and he wouldn’t be in the incoming year. The birthdays and so on do get easier, but it’s the odd moments that get you, a photo or memory pops up on your phone. Or a song comes on the radio, then it hits you again. Just take it a day at a time and keep your memories alive. That’s what helped me.

Thank you all. I’m so scared about those dates. It wasn’t a spouse, a sibling so I feel like everyone’s lives have just moved on and I’m carrying this in my own heart. I don’t have a fireplace but a tradition seems like a nice way to keep the memories going. I have small DCs and the idea of having to slap on a happy face is filling me with dread.

Its very painful. Today is the day I saw ds for the last time 2 years ago. I am very very angry and am liable to tell some poor sod to fuck off later

I find the build up worse than the actual day, but you honestly don't need to slap on a happy face if you don't feel it - you can just say you're missing your sibling and feeling sad.

I find making sure I lower my overall stress the week before helps, so I do a combination of shuffling work a bit, low effort meals, cleaning on the back burner, only seeing people who I know I feel better after I talk to. Lots of walking. Hot baths. Anything that brings a bit of comfort while also giving strength and respite.

Have you got a partner or close friend you can talk to about the date? Saying it out loud somehow takes a bit of the dread away.

Thank you. Yes I do. Talking works but it’s just a whirlwind of a time and some days I don’t know how we will all get through this.

I wish I could say time heals, but it's a damn sight more complicated than that. The thing is, you are getting through this, there will be times when you look back and are stunned at how you ever got through those periods.

To me, the anticipation/build up toward it was worse than the day itself. In the run up to Christmas, it just felt like slow torture with everyone getting excited with all their parties and plans. When the day arrived, it was unexpectedly ok. We kept it quiet but had a lovely family time and Boxing Day rolled round with a HUGE sense of relief that it was over.

As for the other ‘firsts’, it helped me to treat those days as I would when she was here. For her birthday we always used to go out for a nice lunch and also bake a cake. I still do those things (book the day off work) and although it’s been a few years now and I’m not actively celebrating her birthday, I take that day to do something nice in her memory.

Everyone is different but for me it helps to be active in remembering them rather than letting myself get too overwhelmed by the grief (if that makes sense).