How did you handle all the ‘firsts’?

[angryandbereaved]

Their birthday is coming up. Then it’ll be first Christmas. First new year. How did you cope with it?

My first Christmas after my DH passed away suddenly (in October) was very hard. Our children were 4 and 6, so I tried my best to make it as good as usual, but my heart wasn’t in it and I took the tree down a few days afterwards. His first birthday we wrote cards to him with our news and burned them in the fireplace, a tradition we continued for some years after. But time passes and while I think of him quite often the pain is no longer there, just some sadness.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

When my DP died, together for 45 years, I was dreading all the firsts too. I think because I had such low expectations for these days (especially Christmas) that they were less painful than I assumed they would be. There were moments of sadness and reflection of course but also some joy and hope there.

What did take me unawares were the seemingly smaller things, like writing cards just from Pumpkin/Mum and not looking for a card or gift for DP

Spend the days/season as you feel able too. Don't put pressure on yourself to do what you think is expected or feel as you think you should. Everyone will understand. I didn't send Christmas cards that first year except close family.

Take care of yourself as much as you can

Its hard. The worst time for me was the first New Year’s Eve after he died. I didn’t want to leave that year as he had been in it and he wouldn’t be in the incoming year. The birthdays and so on do get easier, but it’s the odd moments that get you, a photo or memory pops up on your phone. Or a song comes on the radio, then it hits you again. Just take it a day at a time and keep your memories alive. That’s what helped me.

Thank you all. I’m so scared about those dates. It wasn’t a spouse, a sibling so I feel like everyone’s lives have just moved on and I’m carrying this in my own heart. I don’t have a fireplace but a tradition seems like a nice way to keep the memories going. I have small DCs and the idea of having to slap on a happy face is filling me with dread.