Not sure what to do with my mum's ashes

[firebrand123]

My mum passed away right at the end of last year and her ashes are still with the funeral home because as well as having been distracted by my own health issues, I just don't know what to do with them. We hadn't spoken for quite a few years until two days before she died (it all happened very suddenly) and our relationship had been strained for some time before that. I'm her only child and she'd alienated many people including close family, so everything has fallen to me. I don't want to keep her ashes because of how our relationship was. I don't think she had anywhere special I could scatter them as she moved around a lot and there's nowhere really nice near her most recent home, just an estuary which isn't ideal. I thought about interring them at a cemetery but I really don't think anyone would visit her resting place.

It's all very sad but I need to do something. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I scattered my mum's ashes at the seaside. Not particularly close but it felt fitting to scatter her there. Sending hugs, it's a difficult choice x

Thank you xx
I've been hoping I'd think of somewhere that would feel right but it just hasn't happened...

I’ve still got my mums ashes. I really need to take them to her church and scatter them there; but I can’t bring myself to.

@firebrand123 didn't feel "right" for me either.
How long will the funeral directors keep her ashes for?

Do you want somewhere you can put a plaque and they are buried right there formally or just to scatter them where you feel is fitting, perhaps somewhere with good memories? Or you can ask the funeral directors to have them scattered in the memorial garden at the crematorium usually. One suggestion is off a pier into the sea, you can do it local to us and have a plaque mounted if you want

@shellyleppard they've not given a deadline but last time I spoke to them they were happy for them to stay there a little while longer. It has been ages though... Thanks for sharing, it's actually reassuring that it didn't feel right for you as such either x

@WavyDaizy it's so tough isn't it x

Where did your Mum enjoy visiting?
Or you could scatter the ashes wherever her Parents are?
Or somewhere hobbie related?
Is there a place from your childhood that could hold a happy memory for you both?

💐

I was thinking of doing that but I worry no one will visit a plaque because of how she'd alienated so many people so it feels a bit odd...

You could have them put in to a lovely piece of jewellery,or scatter them somewhere she was happy and loved to be.

Honestly, I don't know where she enjoyed going because we hadn't spoken for so long. She hated her mother so that's not an option and my childhood was abroad and not particularly happy. It's all so complicated. But thank you x

@firebrand123 it was difficult but I felt relief that I was giving her a good send-off??
I hope that makes sense.

@shellyleppard it does. Maybe I need to focus on how I could do it rather than where.

My friend says her dad's ashes are still at the funeral directors.......he died 10 years ago 🥴
I did direct cremation with my dad 10 years ago and chose not to have the ashes, I personally am a very practical person who believes when your dead that's it, you no longer exist and are not aware of anything so don't see any purpose to a lot of the etiquette around funerals (each to their own of course)!
So I'd suggest not worrying about it, leave them where they are and focus on your own health 💐

Pick somewhere that people will be happy to visit, a forest, seaside, country view point. You don’t need a plaque and if anyone wants to remember her, they can go there but if you pick a lovely place there will be happy and peaceful vibes regardless

You can spread the ashes in a garden of remembrance; no need for a plaque.

If she was happiest at home; her home town?

The cremation will have a garden of remembrance and lots of people have their ashes scattered there and families can choose to leave floral tributes throughout the year if they want to, but equally many don't.
Did she have any friends that may want to attend if you scattered them there and would they say a few words? If not, can you ask a friend to go with you?

There will be plaques, gravesites etc. all around the world which no-one visits but that's no reason not to have them. It's a lasting memorial to your mother, that's all that matters so if that's what you want to do then go ahead.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Could you scatter them at her parents graves? A siblings or spouses grave?
Or just at a local garden of remembrance, no need for a plaque

I had a very difficult childhood too, and was LC with my mum for years (although I did end up helping her for the last year of her life). Complicated doesn't even begin to cover it does it?

Anyway I opted to have her ashes scattered in the Garden of Remembrance - I've never been there since. She didn't have any friends either due to her behaviour, so I don't think anyone else goes there to remember her either.

I was NC with my dad. My brother organised his funeral and got his ashes interred at the crematorium, with a plaque and a rosebush etc. As far as I know, only my brother goes there to visit. My dad was also an incredibly difficult person so it seemed to me to be a waste of money but there you go.

I hope you have peace with whatever you decide.

My mum kept my dad's ashes, he died in 1996, mum then died in 2020, I now have both sets of ashes, I am waiting until I have enough money to lay a new patio, then I will put them under there. My dad would love this idea.

I'd ask for them to be scattered at the crematorium gardens - no need for a plaque or headstone or interment. If anyone does particularly want somewhere to visit the crematorium gardens are usually nice with benches etc but it's also perfectly fine to not visit the place someone is scattered, many many people don't. Personally I don't believe the person is 'there' in any meaningful sense anyway.

We did the crem garden scattering for my grandparents and that's what I wish we'd done for my dad, mum felt pressured (by who I don't know, just general social expectations maybe) to have his ashes back at home and then to scatter them somewhere 'special' and to mark the scattering in some ceremonial way, which all just turned into a big old hassle, like your mum he didn't really have any special or meaningful places that were remotely suitable, the place she ended up choosing was horrible IMO, he'd alienated/fallen out with a lot of friends and family so it was a whole drama around who would come to the scattering, then the actual event was awkward because turns out there were quite a large volume of ashes and it's not easy to do the scattering elegantly and the whole thing was just generally not really what any of us needed - quite funny in a dark sort of way but also entirely avoidable as the crematorium/funeral directors will just discreetly deal with it if you ask them?

Scatter at the crematorium, it will probably be free to do this and the funeral directors can organise this for you.

Thank you so much everyone, I really appreciate all the ideas and perspectives. It's helping me think about this a bit differently, which I needed to do. I'm going to sleep on it and give it thought tomorrow but I think the garden of remembrance idea might be best