Struggling with my mum after Dad's death and my own grief

[Shiftyfifty]

I lost my Dad aged 80 last July. He was admitted to hospital in the February after a fall. He came home in April and had ambulances out several times before being admitted again end of June. He came out after a week on palliative care. I stayed with him to help mum look after him and he died just over a week after being discharged. It was a terrible time as they live a couple hours away. I had numerous 3am calls from my mum
and I had to drop out of my life for days and weeks to sort them out. Mum did not handle everything well at all. I am currently menopausal and last year had my son taking his a levels at the same time as dealing with all this. Since dad died I have found it very difficult to deal with mum. We’ve had her to stay for big things like birthdays, Christmas Mother’s Day etc. we visit when we can though I hate going to the house because there’s too many horrible memories of dads last weeks. Mum is only 75 but has pretty much given up. She has become very insular and her world has shrunk immeasurably. She doesn’t drive but refuses to use the train to go anywhere. She spends days indoors on her own. I FaceTime her twice a day. I have tried suggesting she moves closer to me and other family but she’s not ready for that. But then she complains that she’s lonely and doesn’t see anyone. The past month or so she has been very hot and cold with me and for example today she just isn’t answering any of my calls. I’ve given up trying for today but am starting to get angry at how she is treating me. I tried to talk to her the other day about how down I was feeling about my son leaving for university etc (he took a year out and is going this year) and she just waves it off with an “oh you’ll be alright” and then starts complaining about her headache she’s had for days but won’t see a doctor about. I know she’s grieving but she forgets that I am too. I know she lost her husband of 52 years, but I lost my dad of 50 years and because I’ve worried non-stop about her and her wellbeing and about my son and exams and uni applications etc I just haven’t really had time to grieve for my dad properly. I’m wrung out. I love mum but I find her behaviour exhausting. I also feel like I’m grieving for mum because she’s like a completely different person and not like my mum at all. Sorry for the long rambling post but I just feel lost and guilty and angry and sad and….well….everything all at once. It’s too much. I might have reached my limit. I don’t want to not speak to mum but equally I don’t look forward to calling her (she never calls me by the way). I just need her to be better - I need her to be mum again - does anyone have any advice on how I can get my mum back.

Your mum is grieving and you are grieving.

I just need her to be better - I need her to be mum again - does anyone have any advice on how I can get my mum back. You can't ask this, it's not how this works. I'm so sorry for your loss. Bereavement counselling could be somewhere to start feeling heard?

Thank you - I know it doesn’t work like that and everyone grieves in their own way. There’s no right or wrong way and no time limits. It’s just feels so cruel that at a time when you most need your mum, she’s not available because she’s feeling it too. I’ve had counselling and tried suggesting it to mum but she hasn’t done it. I know she will (or won’t) in her own time.

It is cruel, it's awfully hard

They now say anything under 2 years is 'recent' in bereavement terms so still early days for you both.

Your Mums grief will never get easier if she sits at home and feels sad

Why don't you organise visitors for her? I think red Cross does something like this. Samaritans and CAB will have useful advice and resources too

I could have written something very similar to this...only my mum lives in an annexe on our house that we had built several years ago for my parents. When my Dad died 3 years ago, my mum fell into her grief in a way that neither she or I really expected and she became pretty nasty at times, saying cruel things to me as though I were her worst enemy (despite the fact that I'm her only living child (in my 50s) and have moved mountains to support her and my Dad). I didn't feel like i could grieve at first as my mum needed priority and pushed me out emotionally unless she needed something in which case I was valid again. I soon recognised that she had changed forever and the mum I knew was gone...but then your son and husband dying will do that to you. She just refused to see that my brother and Dad had also died, and I was also still trying to work, run a home and look after her needs! It has been a really trying time. In her calmer times now she says that she can see how rough its been for 'us' but she simply refuses to apologise for the hurtful things she says or be kinder. I now just take myself off for my counselling sessions, let off a bit of steam and remember how lucky I am to still have my lovely husband. I can't change my mum, she won't accept outside support so I now just do what I can and use my thick skin to bounce off the jibes when shes lashing out. It has got easier and I hope it does for you too as your mum adjusts 💕

Thank you - like you, I don’t feel like I’ve had time to grieve dad properly because I’ve been so worried about making sure mum is ok. It’s been frustrating as she won’t accept outside help or advice and I’ve spent the past year cajoling and nagging to try and keep her engaged with life in general. I think it’s just hit me really hard to see just how sad she is. It sounds obvious - of course she’s “sad” she’s lost her husband of 52 years - but honestly, as with you, I really didn’t anticipate just how hard it would hit her. It’s horrible to see
someone you love so much withdraw and shrink and refuse to take advice and support offered. And when she lashes out or gives me the silent treatment it really hurts. I guess it will just take time, and I have to accept the new normal. I may have to look at counselling to help me make sense of it all. My poor husband has been wonderful, as has my son, but I don’t want them to start feeling about me the way I’m feeling about my mum!