**TW** Still Birth: What Helped You?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

TW

A very close friend of mine is currently going through a still birth, and I’m devastated for her. She was 34 weeks pregnant with her first baby.

I know she’ll never get over this and it’s more about learning to live around the grief. I’ll be here to hold her hand every step of the way, but I’m just wondering if the mumsnet community has any words of wisdom, or things that helped in the days, weeks and months following this kind of trauma?

I’m treading very carefully and am expecting a much needed hibernation phase over the next few days/weeks. But she’s entitled to an entire maternity leave if she needs it, and it would be great to have the benefit of your experience, to help me help my friend in the coming months.

Thank you x

I have no experience of stillbirth but I used to follow a lady on instagram who talked about neonatal death (her baby died at a few days old). She said one of the main things she wanted was people to still talk about her son and remember him rather than pretending he never existed because it feels awkward. She wrote a book called ‘Ask me his name’ - I haven’t read it but might help you get some insight into how it feels to be a bereaved parent in a similar circumstance which might help you support your friend (I don’t know this lady, she just spoke movingly about her experience).

You sound like a wonderful friend and my heart goes out to your friend - just tragic and so unbelievably unfair.

When this happened to a friend of mine, she pretty much locked herself away in her bedroom for a month. Be there for her but appreciate it is likely to be her partner and close family she reaches out to initially so don't worry if your messages go unanswered.

My friend wanted to talk about her son, show pictures etc. she still several years later likes it if we refer to him occasionally

My friend had a stillbirth and I was pregnant at the time. I don’t know how she got through the early stages, but she just did. She had a supportive dh, family and friends. We did meet up about a month or two after and we spoke about her dd. She wanted to tell me about her. She explained it as the best and worst day of her life.
she was pregnant within a few months and went on to have 3 healthy babies.

Thank you for your kind words. I’d heard this too - about wanting their baby to be recognised - so have already sent a new baby card to mark her birth, and put her birthday in the diary for next year. She had the sweetest name for her too 💔

Thank you so much for this story of hope ❤️ another pregnancy is obviously far from her mind right now but it’s wonderful to know people go on to live so fully afterwards

My first baby was stillborn. Time was the biggest help. But talk about baby. Talk about the birth. If they have a grave, visit it. If she has photos and you feel comfortable looking at them, look at them with her.

She might not hide away. I didn't. Everyone is different.

Noone wanted to talk about my birth story, it almost felt like people thought the baby just miraculously appears. I found that so terribly hard. That people could not comprehend what I had had to go through to give birth to a stillborn.

I’m so sorry this happened to you and thank you for sharing.

Yes, having to go through the hardship of labour but going home with empty arms just feels so cruel. It’s pain on top of pain. My friend isn’t ready to talk about it yet but I’ll be there when she is.

I have two kids of my own and it’s just every pregnant person’s worst nightmare. Did you go on to have more babies? From the way you said “first” I’m hoping you did?

I was lucky enough to have one. In a very complicated pregnancy and delivery so no more for me on advice of the medical team but my one is perfect and was worth everything we went through to get her. Thank you for asking.

One other thing that might help is local in person support groups. I joined one for a while, it would have been nice for someone to come with me to them or one of them. Id have found that helpful.

The SANDs website is where I found my support group.

My first born, my son, died a few hours after he was born due to me having severe HELLP syndrome.

Everyone reacts differently, but for me, I wanted desperately to talk about him, to look at his photos, and I was very grateful for those people who supported me with this and sat by me and allowed me to do just that.

I know this is not for everyone but I found some comfort in understanding what had happened to me, and why, so I researched and found groups and read accounts of other peoples experiences.

I also connected with SANDS which were invaluable to my recovery from what happened to myself, and my son. Their befrienders are mothers who have been through the same ordeal and I also read their books and found my local SANDS group where I connected with others who understood my pain and grief. I don't think I could have come out the other side of it if it wasn't for SANDS and the connections I made there (and also my Mother, but that is a different story)

You will need to navigate your friend and be led by her. She may want to talk about the baby and what happened. If she does, be there for her, hold her hand and talk with her about it and listen. Hug, cry with her if you need to.

She may want to hide away and not talk at all. If she does this, then gently just let her know you are there for her when (if) she is ready to accept some help. Just knowing you are there for her will be enough, I am sure.

What ever you do please don't say 'you are young enough and can have another one' or any of those really unhelpful things that people say that think it helps but it doesn't! Someone said it to me, in goodwill may I add, but I just wanted to scream at her that 'I don't want another baby, I want THIS one!'

You sound a lovely friend. I am so grateful to mine for the love and support they showed me 🌹

Everything everyone else has said is right so I won't go over all that in detail again. I agree that time is the only healer, but it is good to acknowledge the list baby's existence, to allow her parents to talk about their experiences, to acknowledge her existence.

I lost my DD at 41 weeks of pregnancy and then went on to have two wonderful DSs who are now teens and twenties. The subsequent pregnancies were really hard, and if your friend does want to have another child you can be really supportive here. I found that in a subsequent pregnancy, people tried to be nice but they often missed the mark by being over anxious or over intense "you are getting checked aren't you?" Or conversely there was a certain type of person who would go all breezy "oh it won't happen again, it can't happen again.". They were both difficult to deal with and both made me feel a failure for having somehow fucked up the first pregnancy (at some level I still feel like it was my fault). After I had my first DS the general consensus among stupid people was "oh maybe you just can't carry girls" and luckily I knew this was medically ridiculous but it was still uncomfortable having people effectively tell me (enormous smile on face as though this something comforting) "don't worry this will only happen to you 50 percent of the time and you'll never have a daughter." Please be a friend and try to discreetly neutralize that kind of nonsense if you can.

Lastly I have a theory that pregnancy loss comes to bite you again at every stage of parenting. I found the decision to stop trying for more children intensely painful, I found leaving the baby phase hard because I had unfinished business. I love Christmas and never want to be a misery guts about it but I have had a few Christmases where I randomly burst into tears in church without really knowing why. As a good friend, I'm sure you'll spot occasions like this for your friend and support her - all that is needed is a bit of quiet acknowledgement.

To sum it up, stillbirth is such an unacknowledged grief. You are mourning someone nobody really knew and so any bit of acknowledgement and recognition you can bring to that as a friend will probably be appreciated

No personal experience of this but a colleague has just gone through a late miscarriage/stillbirth and we got her a candle from Next which can be personalised with the baby’s name and raises funds for SANDS.

In my experience, Time is the only thing that helps. I remember people asking what they could do to help and I said go away.
Friends did buy me a lovely ring of babies birth stone, which I still wear.

My daughter would have been 17 this year. She was my 2nd of 3 and the pregnancy of number 3 was hard at every stage from announcement to the flashbacks after the 3rd was born and many many milestones. Your friend won't get over it ( why would she want to?) But she will get used to it, it will take time and occasionally take her feet out from under her even a decade later.

So glad the second one made it here safely, it must have been a very anxiety-inducing pregnancy.

Yeah I’ve looked at local Sands groups etc in her area (we live a few hours apart) but it seems like none of them are running at the moment, which is a big shame. Hopefully she can join some online groups when she feels ready though and maybe find some local things that way

Yes Sands do do online forums, she may find some comfort on there.