Good friend's baby just died at birth- advice please

[Izzywhizzy]

I found out today that a good friend's baby died at birth last week. He was perfectly healthy, but the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and he suffocated in the last few minutes before he was born.

I've been holding back the tears all day at work and am now letting them flow while typing this.

She lives in New Zealand so I can't give her any practical help, but have sent some flowers and will send her a card.

I'd like to send her something else to show that I'm thinking of both of them and their baby boy, but don't know what. I thought maybe some of his birth flowers or a baby bracelet with his birthstone on it, but don't want to make it more painful for them than it already is.

Does anyone have any advice about what would be a suitable gift?

How terribly sad

Could you perhaps send a rose to plant in his memory?

First of all I'm so sorry for your friends loss, that's so sad

Are there any NZ websites where you can order a rose bush or something similar for them?

How about [http://www.woodland-trust.org.uk/plantatree/ planting a tree for him?]]

whoops try again

I gave birth to dd 5 weeks ago and until i heard her cry at birth, i didn't let myself think that i would be coming home with a healthy baby. I am so sorry for your friend's loss. I was terrified this was going to happen to my baby, although things like this are quite rare. I can't think of a suitable gift, maybe arrange a trip out there to see her at some point if finances and time allow?

How heart-breaking for her and her family . I don't think any nice gesture could make the situation more painful for her. I'm sure someone will come along with some great ideas.

Huge sympathies. My first son was stillborn, and since then I have helped start a website for supporting parents through this. If you would like the address do let me know (kpotts at hotmail dot com). I also have access to a fantastic leaflet that one of our members came up with that may be helpful (for both you and your friend)

This site does lovely jewellery - I have a friend who is very happy with the bracelet she got from them to commemorate her son. jewellery

Best wishes to you all.

The best thing you can do is never forget. Send a little card each year to say you are thinking of her and her son (do mention his name).

How terrible for your friend. I was about to suggest the same website as thegrowlygus - my best friend went through a stillbirth at Christmas and I ordered a couple of nice things from it which I was pleased with and my friend absolutely loved. I recommend them highly.

On a practical level, there's not much more you can do other than let her know you're always there for her, ready to talk when she needs to. I completely understand how you feel being so far away from her just now, as I am in the same situation, but I did manage to get home to her a few weeks after to spend time together. It was very special and I'll always be glad I made the trip. Is this at all possible for you?

Your poor friend, what an absolute tragedy.

I have also lost a child (not stillborn) three years later I still sign his name on birthday/christmas cards etc and although i find it hard I love hearing people talking about him, keeping his memory alive.

The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul

Each new life... No matter how fragile or brief... Forever changes the world

how awful
where in NZ? if it's anywhere near me I could help out if you did want a rose bush delivered or something, or anything researched/sourced? hopefully people around her/the hospital or midwife will help out with suitable organisations though

Thanks so much for all your messages.

My friend sent me a picture of her little boy the other day and the poor little mite looks beautiful. She and her partner are having counselling and are slowly coming to terms with what's happened.

I've decided to send her his birth flowers to plant in their garden (his are jonquils). That way they'll have an annual reminder of Jamie.

Thanks again.

How awful - so sorry for them and for you being so far away from your friend
Send cards as often as you want to. Just the knowledge that you are thinking of them will help her - even if she can't acknowledge this until a lot later on

mkbest - I haven't heard more true words spoken for a long time than those of your post. WOW - you have stopped me in my tracks.

Izzy - you could never hurt your friend more than she is hurting right now - your words, gifts, thoughts - nothing could hurt her more. Keep checking that she is ok, be prepared for all kinds of emotions and sometimes just listen. If she cries a lot that is wonderful, to be able to release your grief is the best thing you can do.

I know that I dont know her but I send my thoughts and love at a horrible time

Oh god, thats so awful. DOn't actually know what I would have done if Em had died. I do know I would have been DESPERATE for people to have talked about her and that she was really real.

Can't believe tied cords still happen.

SHe's lucky to have afriend in you. Good luck. ANual flowers sound lovely

How utterly heartbreaking.
As others have said the most helpful thing is for her to just know you are there for her and you are thinking of her.

This is especially poignant for me as ds was born unconscious with the cord round his neck very tightly. He was resuscitated and I know how incredibly lucky I am.

I can't imagine the pain your friend must be going through.