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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Oh I'm so dreadfully sad dp's gran has passed away and I'm devastated

32 replies

Piffle · 19/02/2008 10:55

Lovely lady, very very close to our dd (5)
thanks god we saw her at the weekend and talked and cooked her a lovely roast beef.
I will miss her so much, she is an awesome lady whom I've gornw to love since being with DP 98 yrs)
Am dreading telling DD she will be truly upset and has never had to deal with this sort of thing ever before.
I am just so very sad.

OP posts:

Original poster

Piffle · 19/02/2008 10:55

8 yrs I meant

OP posts:

TTCinDisguise · 19/02/2008 10:57

so sorry to hear that, she sounded like a lovely lady.

I hope you DD is ok and your DP.

Nbg · 19/02/2008 10:58

So sorry.

nickytwotimes · 19/02/2008 11:00

Sorry for your loss, piffle. It is horrible when someone you love dies. I'm sure your DD will be sad, but she has you to give her cuddles.

josben · 19/02/2008 11:01

So sorry to hear of your loss

pooka · 19/02/2008 11:08

My grandmother died on the 8th of Feb. Funeral was yesterday. I have to say that the hardest thing (almost) was telling dd. But in the end she took it very well. She was sad, and said "but I liked her" which made me sob a bit. But generally has been fine.
dd and ds didn't go to the funeral. It was a wonderful but immensely sad event. My father and aunt said lovely things about her (my aunt's address began "Mother was very good at cartwheels" and my father talked about how important she was to all her grandchildren and my children, her great grandchildren).
And then as we left the church there were muffled bells ringing which were lovely. Her house was/is next to the church so we all stood in the garden round a brazier listening to the bells.
I feel very flat today. Has been awful week or so, children ill as well.
I am sorry for your loss. I hope that telling your dd goes as well as can be expected. Be prepared for questions in the next few days as well as quite extraordinary honesty. i.e. we are having a party on granny's birthday at her house. told dd and she said that we could sing "happy birthday dear dead helen".
But maybe that's just my dd.

Original poster

Piffle · 19/02/2008 11:14

I really want to take DD she is a sensible and sensitive 5 yr old and loved her nanan. I think she will cope and I think it is important - Id rather not take the 11 mth old ds2 but everyone who cares for him will be there so he'll have to come. My ds1 is 14 and has never been to a funeral. He will be sad too but not like dd will be.
DP was shocked I'd take DD to the funeral.
Is it taboo?

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Original poster

Piffle · 19/02/2008 11:14

sorry for you losing your gran too pooka.

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nickytwotimes · 19/02/2008 11:16

pooka, for you.
Piffle, I don't think there is anything wrong with taking los to the funeral. They need to say goodbye too, in their own way.

pooka · 19/02/2008 11:20

Well, I woudln't say it was taboo. But I wouldn't have had even dd in the church for the service.

We had planned for dh to drive over with the children while we were in the church so that they could be at the do afterwards. But on thinking about it, I didn't want them to see me upset (and god I was) and also wanted them to be able to charge around as they would normally without me feeling like I needed to edit their behavior IYSWIM.

An example, they were very keen on her stairlift. We, their family, might find it amusing to see them bombing around on it, but there were lots of aged friends and acquaintances of dgm who might have felt it was .. jarring.

In the end the decision was made by dd getting impetigo and ds developing an ear infection.

I'm actually pleased they weren't there. I found the coffin (wicker) disturbing, the service was quite formal (barring the family address) and I think that even dd (4.5) would have been a distraction.

Also, because we have planned a party in April, I feel like they can be there and run free and wild then.

pooka · 19/02/2008 11:23

But actually it was more about me WRT them not being at the do afterwards - I wanted to be able to talk to everyone and to have no responsibilities. Partly selfish and partly because they were ill. And as I said before - we have a rollicking party planned for April as was my dgm's request just before she died.

Original poster

Piffle · 19/02/2008 11:28

Actually there is a logistical issue, if she does not go then I won't be able to as no one to care for her outside the funeral.

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Original poster

Piffle · 19/02/2008 11:29

Oh and its a very close family no worries about dd. more worried about MIL who has had massive foot operation last week and cannot walk atm.

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pooka · 19/02/2008 12:07

We decided in the end that dh wouldn't go, and he stayed at home with the children. Which was a shame.
If close family then I'm sure that it will be fine and your dd is older than mine, so probably a better age. I think from your posts that it would mean a great deal for you to go.

It's so sad, isn't it.

Your poor MIL. February is the crappest month IMO.

pooka · 19/02/2008 12:08

If you look in the yellow pages or contact the local hospital (or via the GP surgery) you should be able to find wheelchairs for hire for your MIL if she can't weight support.

Original poster

Piffle · 19/02/2008 12:39

I'm not sure if I would take dd to the burial in all honesty but to the service yes.
I'll have to tlak to dp though as I'll be in and out with noisy jumping no sense of silence 11 mth old Rambo

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charleymouse · 19/02/2008 12:58

Hi
Piffle so sorry for you and your DPs loss.

DD went to her great GDs cremation at 12 months, her brothers burial at 29 months, she would have gone to her Great GMs cremation but as it was day before her brothers funeral I thought this would overload her somewhat. It did me.

I think it is up to you to make the call as you know her best of all. Just keep things simple and factual when you explain things to her.

I found DDs presence a comfort (I didn't take her for that reason it just happened), I also think many of the older guests found her a comfort as she is evidence of the circle of life and although it might not feel like it in the middle of your grief life does go on. I would not take her to an aquaintances funeral but definitely to close family members.

My DD was one of the most important people in her great grandfathers life and so she went to his funeral. I actually feel bad that she didn't go to her great grandmas but feel I made the right call at the time. I also feel it helps finalise things a little in their minds.

Sorry I am rambling HTH.

charleymouse · 19/02/2008 13:00

Sorry forgot to say ask the funeral directors re wheel chair as my gran needed one for my DT1s funeral and they provided one and had a big strong bloke to push it as well; which was just as well as his plot was a good stroll from the church up a stoney path.

Original poster

Piffle · 19/02/2008 14:36

thanks you Charley, by golly am so sad for you reading your post, what a terrible time for you.
As the day goes along am just so sad at the idea of telling DD.

MIL has rung and said she is ok on sticks with FIL arm or one of her sons
DP did a reading at the funeral when his grandad did 6 yrs ago (nanan was his widow)

DP has freaked me out a bit, he has asked me to buy sympathy cards and send flowers to
his mum and dad
aunt
uncle

Do you normally send things like that when it's your close relative too?
Pls tell me am a bit

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pooka · 19/02/2008 14:48

We didn't send cards or flowers within the family. So I didn't send anything to my dad or my aunts. Lots of people from outside the family did though.
Don't know if there's any specific etiquette that I missed (we're not much of an etiquette-y family).

purpleturtle · 19/02/2008 14:57

Sorry for your loss, Piffle.

Was just thinking about the card thing - I'm not sure there's a right or wrong on it, and I guess if your dp wants to send them he should.

I think in your position I would want to take children. For my grandad's funeral my aunt talked a neighbour into minding dd (who was under 2 at the time) during the service, and then she was around for the do at my aunt's afterwards. Didn't take the dcs to dh's grandad's funeral partly because of the journey (3 hrs) and partly because they only actually met him a handful of times.

Original poster

Piffle · 19/02/2008 15:09

journey is a factor here tis 1.5 hrs
If early enough service I might be tempted to lob ds2 11 mths into nursery for a day (he has never been before but is pretty embracing of new things)
He however detests missing his nap time and staying still or quiet.

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purpleturtle · 19/02/2008 22:39

Would there be any possibility of somebody near the service being able to mind him for an hour or two? Would you feel able to do that?

Gingerbear · 19/02/2008 22:48

So sorry for your loss Piffle, thinking of your DP and DD especially.

Have you told DD? How is she?

If the funeral is in Rotherham, I am close by - I could take care of your DS2 for a couple of hours.

purpleturtle · 19/02/2008 22:55

Ah yes. I knew I should know where the funeral was likely to be. Just came back to offer much as Gingerbear if it was anywhere near Nottingham.

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