For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

It would have been mums 72nd birthday today. We put up the Christmas decorations and I got her little tree out. Well it nearly broke me I have to say. Last memory of it is packing it away after she died (she died in January after a month in hospital alone). She spent last Christmas on her own in hospital and this Christmas she is dead. It just seems so unfair. My lovely mum is gone.

@LucyintheSky21 I can't face talking to him at the mo it wouldn't go down well I would lose it. I'm just so glad I have this safe space to be understood and get advice
You don't need to leave the thread no one does it's hard as people who have lost parents younger of course are going to feel totally robbed my mum was 63 it's no age she didn't even get to retire or meet my children it makes me sick when k really let my mind think about how bad this is BUT I also sometimes think had I of had her for another 30 years in some ways it would of been worse another 30 years to love her and be loved by her another 30 years of memories the longer the love the deeper the love perhaps I don't know I'm waffling I do see what you mean also though x

@Onandoff it's just so sad isn't it and surreal the strangest thing is how life just carries on I couldn't believe it the day after my mum died that the sun still rose

Thank you @mrssunshinexxx - you're right to feel robbed of your mum at just 63. It’s no age. And my Dad at 74, also no age. I’d have given anything to have him here much much longer. I’m glad he knew my two boys but equally I expected them to be in their 20’s at least when anything happened. My kids miss him so much and say so every day, it’s just so hard. I know what you mean about ringing your Dad, I think I’d lose it too. It’s such a hard situation. Of course you love your Dad but it must be so hard to comprehend what he’s done moving on so quickly and being able to accept that or forgive that. I don’t think I could.
We still have made no plans for xmas day. Mum came for tea tonight and I broached the subject of we need to make some sort of plan for xmas day, and even if it’s just mum’s house or ours and whatever meal we want to have. But mum can’t face even talking about any kind of xmas day that won’t be with my Dad, so for now it’s still uncertain. I am really not looking forward to the day, I know none of us on here are but it’s getting closer and closer. What do you plan to do xmas day, have you decided? x

@Onandoff - so sorry for you, today must be really painful for you. It’s the birthday’s and anniversaries and Christmas day’s that are all going to be the hardest I reckon. Mind you, all the days are hard. As @mrssunshinexxx said, it’s so hard that life carries on. It sounds strange but something like this happens and yet the next day the sun shines and you see people going about their usual business, and it feels so wrong because life for us had stopped.

Sorry to rehash something but I hate to think that @newname1979 came here for support after recently losing her dad and feels like her loss is in any way different. I'm 30 and just lost my 66 year old mum. I'm sure I will still feel just as sad if I lose my dad when he is 110! It's the love you have for them, we share that on this thread and I hope that's something we can agree on.

I decorated the tree at my dad's today and just felt so crap that all the decorations are hers, things she loved and collected through her life. Just feels so strange.

@Onandoff

It would have been mums 72nd birthday today. We put up the Christmas decorations and I got her little tree out. Well it nearly broke me I have to say. Last memory of it is packing it away after she died (she died in January after a month in hospital alone). She spent last Christmas on her own in hospital and this Christmas she is dead. It just seems so unfair. My lovely mum is gone.

Oh I'm so sorry to read this.

@LucyintheSky21 we are just spending it the 4 of us we will go for a walk in the morn to the park then come back lock the doors light the fire eat plenty and play with her new toys I want minimal fuss ans I know I will be really sad. Maybe take the pressure away from your mum and just make the decision and order a some meat or whatever you fancy having x

I never knew it was possible to miss someone so much. I miss my mum with every fibre of my body I wish I could see her just for a moment. I was her to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. I just want her to take away this pain like she used to when I was upset as a little kid. I think about her so much every single day I just want to see her and talk to her xx

@Onandoff

My lovely mum is gone too and my heart is broken. Sending you strength tonight. You are missing your mum the same as me. I feel very low today. I need my mum xx

@Ttc42nearly43 I know it doesn't help you but I promise I feel the same as you . No one will ever love me like she did . I just want to smell her 😭 I keep thinking about her laying in that coffin just looking like she was asleep

@mrssunshinexxx

I think about this often too my mum in the coffin it's so cold outside now 💔

@mrssunshinexxx

Both me and mum were big on smelling things too. I miss my mum's scent too. I have her Mother's Day teddy bear I gave her years ago amazing it still smells of my mum and I know that she hasn't hugged it for over 9 months. Mum hugged this every night in her bed and that where I found the bear when I went to clear her room in the care home. It's not the same tho hugging a teddy bear to actually hugging your mum.

It's taken a long time to accept that she's gone I know she is but I still sometimes can't believe it. Are you the same? Acceptance doesn't make the pain go away. I often wonder how am meant to get through the rest of my life without her. I still want to phone her just for a chat about boring life stuff xx

Good morning everyone. I know that many of you are now dreading the next few weeks and especially Christmas Day. It is heartbreaking for you all, but sadly one that we can't escape.
Tc42 asks how she is meant to go through her life now without her dear mum, I felt the same and I still do. When I lost my mum so suddenly life as it had been changed forever. The things that once I would of found amusing I now don't, I like the rest of you I felt lost.
But for me it's now ten years, so it's now ten years since this thread began.
Undoubtably this changed me, and I am the same as the rest of you, I think of my mum every day, sometimes I still can't believe it's happened.
There are a few little coping tactics to help you through on Christmas Day. One of the things for me is to put up an old card that my mum had sent me previously. Put a little Xmas ornament by a photo and I know you will be remembering happier times.
It seems impossible, but you will get through the day, especially if you have other people around you.
Sending you all strength, and understanding. 🌹

[quote Ttc42nearly43]@mrssunshinexxx

Both me and mum were big on smelling things too. I miss my mum's scent too. I have her Mother's Day teddy bear I gave her years ago amazing it still smells of my mum and I know that she hasn't hugged it for over 9 months. Mum hugged this every night in her bed and that where I found the bear when I went to clear her room in the care home. It's not the same tho hugging a teddy bear to actually hugging your mum.

It's taken a long time to accept that she's gone I know she is but I still sometimes can't believe it. Are you the same? Acceptance doesn't make the pain go away. I often wonder how am meant to get through the rest of my life without her. I still want to phone her just for a chat about boring life stuff xx[/quote]
It's an unbearable ache inside knowing that I won't see or speak to mum again. I rang her every day and visited in the school holidays, she still looked after me when I stayed, making me breakfast and taking care of me. It will be 4 weeks on Friday night that she died and the last time she messaged me was to say happy birthday on the 5th November. After that she wasn't up to messaging. There's so many what ifs racing through my mind even though I can't change anything and bring her back I've gone through the sequence of her illness a thousand times in my head. Sometimes when I wake up for a split second it feels like before but then I remember that's she's no longer here 😢 She was literally my best friend as I'm not very outgoing and when I needed any advice she was always there to tell me. I just have to carrying on remembering what she taught me and my siblings and remember that if I'm a good person it's because she instilled that in me 💔

Thank you @Mummylin - I am dreading xmas day. We plan to keep it the same as far as we can as last Xmas and all the other one’s where it was all of us and my Dad. I know it’ll be a difficult day and not the same, I know there will be lots of tears etc. I’m just looking forward to it being over and done with to be honest.
How’s everyone else? Sorry I haven’t been on for a couple of days. I’ve had more bad news as I tested positive yesterday, which I just can’t believe as I am so careful all the time. I felt awful over the weekend but thought it was just a cold. It’s just awful because I now can’t see my mum so she’s on her own until I’m out of isolation. Just when you think life is hard enough and I’ve done everything I can to support my mum and I’m now not allowed to see her until next week x

@LucyintheSky21 that's tough. Do you think your mum would manage a video call, so you can't least 'see' each other. I came home today, absolutely hate leaving mum alone, I cried leaving today, it was so bloody hard.

@Ttc42nearly43 I know what you mean.
Just after Mum died (2 years ago now) it was OK, she'd been so ill, her quality of life was ever-diminishing, she wasn't going to get better... I was able to accept it as the least worst thing at the time.

But this week I was in a shopping centre and passed a window of a "jewellery and pretty things" shop, and remembered how she loved to buy me nice things for Xmas and I loved to buy her stuff (she got into Pandora so there was a lot of hunting down particular charms, because she liked them). Shed a tear or two then, because all that love, that mutual care, is gone - I can zzzzh up her grave and I do but it's not the same. I too miss the phone chats. So odd doing stuff that I will never get to share with her.

@Testarossa44 - Believe it or not, I hadn’t even thought about that. I’ve been ringing a few times during the day and on a night but it’s horrible and now I’m panicking in case anyone else in my household gets it as then we won’t see mum for even longer. Christmas is already a write-off without my Dad. Add Covid to that. Thank you for the idea, I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of that. I can believe you did cry when leaving your mum, it’s just so hard isn’t it? I wish we could have an erase button to go back in time and undo what’s happened xx

@Ttc42nearly43 yes I feel the same it's very unbelievable and some days I just try to ignore it all together and I pretend she's on holiday. I know that sounds crazy but it's the only way I can cope with such young children I can't be a crap mum to them I want so badly to be the best I want them to love me like I love mine. But wow grief is just exhausting I was just feeding my newborn and flicking through photos on my phone and one popped up of mum so close up and she just looked so full of life it was only a couple weeks before she died out on a walk with a rucksack on her back and the wind blowing her hair. Brutal

Sorry to hear you've got covid @LucyintheSky21 hopefully it's mild for you I had it in august in my third trimester it was rough' has your mum got a friend of neighbour that could pop in for a cup of tea with her ? X

@mrssunshinexxx - thank you, I honestly am just in disbelief with my whole life at the minute. I cried when I did my home test on Monday morning and saw those lines. I’m a worrier anyway and I panic. How badly did you have it in August? I’m double jabbed which I think is a saving grace, although I know plenty of people who have been too frightened to have the vaccines. I was a actually due my booster next week yet now can’t have that. I felt rubbish over the weekend and Monday but luckily yesterday and so far this morning it’s just like a cold. Terrifying though when you know how many people have died from this. Did you also lose your taste and smell? I can’t taste or smell a thing so eating is difficult. I just feel like I’ve let mum down because I was cooking for her every night and letting my son sleep there but I can’t rush passing something to her which could make mum seriously unwell or I’d never forgive myself. So far my DH doesn’t have it as neither do the kids. I’m keeping windows open and wearing a mask in the house and sleeping alone etc. I will be out of isolation on Tuesday next week so will be able to see my mum. It’s just getting through those days before. I’m ringing her loads each day though. She has a good friend she sees on a Tuesday each week and she’s a great support and good friend so she saw her yesterday. I don’t think she’s got plans for any other day this week but I’m hoping she could see her neighbour who has been for a coffee and to talk about Dad the once but she did say to mum to give her a call and she’d pop round for a coffee.
What you said on your post, I can resonate so much with. I try to ignore what’s happened with my Dad, it’s my way of coping with it to pretend it’s not happening and it’s not real. I know because of how it happened and unexpected and sudden etc that it’s still shock for me and disbelief, but it’s easier for me when I’m at home like at the moment to just believe he’s away somewhere at the moment like on holiday and that’s what’s getting me through each day. I honestly have no idea if it’s a a good thing but that’s how I feel. As I’m at home at the moment, Dad would be at his house with mum so it’s just like he’s there. But in my head I just like to make myself think he’s away on a biking holiday as he went for years to the Isle of Man and used to race with his friends and won lots of races. Motorbikes were his life. So you’re not alone in thinking your mum is on holiday or away at the moment. It’s a coping mechanism. I also feel like he will be coming back soon, which I know must sound crazy but I can’t accept or believe that I won’t see him again. I really can’t. So it will probably come crashing down and hit me sooner or later once the shock does eventually wear off. I feel the same as you, that if I think too much about what’s happened that I won’t be able to pull myself together and be a good mum to my two boys. It’s easier to fool yourself. And grief os exhausting, I just countdown for bedtime. I’ve been going to bed earlier anyway with this Covid to try rest as much as I can and shake it off but I lay in bed with my phone looking at photos of my Dad. Photo’s like you say that were taken just a week or two before he was gone. Looking perfectly full of health and life. How is it even possible? I wish I knew how many of this had even happened. Your kids will love you as much as you love your dear mum. You’re doing an amazing job to keep going, we all are. And I think it’s a Godsend in a way that we have our kids because imagine how we’d be if we didn’t have them. I think it’s only them that keep us going because we know we have to take care of them xx

Does anyone else feel like they are hurtling through life 100 miles an hour life your charging toward a big black hole and you can't stop your self spinning out of control. Am going through both Bereavement counselling and marriage counselling feeling totally overwhelmed by everything. Overwhelmed with my mum dying and how much I miss her and overwhelmed with the disagreements with my husband when oh when will there be some happiness 💔

@Fluffyfluffyclouds

I know what you mean the sparkle has gone out of Christmas for me. I got me and mum mother and daughter heart shaped necklaces from pandora for Mother's Day but she never seen them as she died on 5th March. I wear mine everyday and mum has hers on too. First pandora thing I ever bought my mum I wish she had got to see it I know she'd have loved it.

Like you I put nice things down for mum at her graveside but agreed it absolutely is not the same as seeing their face light up with happiness. I've said this before but I never knew how much you could miss someone until now. This is our first Christmas without mum and as we head towards "the big day" it feels even more unreal that we will never ever get to see another Christmas with my mum. It's just so sad isn't it x