For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@glittereyelash

Hi rain I'm new to this thread too. My mam passed away nearly two years ago and I'm still Shell shocked and heartbroken. I'm my dad's main support aswell he's devastated and still visits the grave multiple times a day. It's hard trying to grieve and support your remaining parent. I hate the phrase I understand how you feel as grief is such a solitary journey but I know what it is to be overwhelmed, lost, guilty and emotionally drained.

Sorry about your mum and about your dad’s suffering. You’re so right about it being a solitary journey, and such a hard one.

@basilstrawberry

Sorry- that sounded incredibly self centred. It’s also awful because my mum- who was with dad for over 53 years- is desperately in need of support and kindness and empathy, but I have been so disengaged with her pain and grieving because I’ve avoided it head on.

You don’t sound self-centred, you sound like you’re in pain. There’s no right way to grieve. I’ve spent ten months fussing over my mum and kids and now I’m so unbelievably frustrated and angry and sad.

To all those saying that you feel bad for avoiding accepting it please don’t. I saw a therapist for a few sessions when dad first died and she told me distraction is the only thing that truly helps. I’m feeling it a lot too tonight. I just want to call my dad, or turn up at his house for a hug and for him to tell me that things will be ok and the pain will stop one day.

@glittereyelash @RainRainRainAgain

So sorry for both of you. And you are right Rain, it doesn’t make a difference if it’s expected or unexpected. The loss of a parent is giant, it’s something you can’t ever prepare for. My Dad had a big heart attack, from nowhere and we don’t know why. He was fine all day, a motorbike rider actually and out that day riding with his friends and he came home that evening to my mum perfectly normal. Later that evening he had a bit of chest pain and he keeled over on the lounge floor having a heart attack. My poor mum was on her own and had to call for an ambulance and then do CPR, until I got there . It’s a night i replay over and over in my head and I still can’t find the answers I’m looking for. The next day he died in hospital with me and my mum and my sister found him, holding his hands and begging him not to leave us. It’s five months on for me, and life gets harder every day. Every weekend I wish I could see my Dad. We used to do so much together, my mum and dad always came for days out with me and my husband and our two boys, or for meals etc. i just can’t believe he won’t join us again. I struggle as well because I don’t know many people in real life who have been through this or really understand, I have friends who say they understand but I really don’t think until you have lost one of your parents that you can truly understand.x

@RainRainRainAgain my mam was terminally ill aswell but she hid her symptoms so well it all happened very quickly in the end. She had cheated death so many times she was invincible to me I don't quite know who I am without her.

@LucyintheSky21 five months is nothing. The whole first year is unspeakably difficult. All the firsts are simply unbareable. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad I can feel your pain in the post ❤

@glittereyelash

Thank you 💕 How are you feeling today?

@Ttc42nearly43

How are you doing? How is your Dad and how are things with your mother in law’s partner? xx

@LucyintheSky21

Hiya I've been a bit quiet lately it was my birthday yesterday so I had the build up to that honestly just glad it's pasted now. I was at the cemetery taking mum flowers yesterday just thinking that my birthday last year I spent the day with mum in the hospital we were just learning how seriously ill she was becoming my last birthday was the last ever day where mum was able to speak properly as the following day when I went back up to the hospital she was all confused.

Thank you for asking about my dad he's seems to be doing ok for now Emma talked him into going to an AA meeting on Wednesday I went with him but sat outside in the car as I wasn't allowed in the group.

My mother in law's partner it's not great he's hanging in there but he's barley eating and it seems unlikely that he will make it home unfortunately.

How are you getting on? How's ur mum? x

@LucyintheSky21

Sorry that was a typo I meant to type that I managed to talk him into going to AA. I have no idea whyy phone changed that to Emma sorry

To everyone - I hope you're all doing OK tonight

My dad died quietly, I wasn't with him. I wasn't there. But nurses were, at 1am. In my mind there would be plenty time to get there, to be at his bedside... But it didn't happen. But you know what, he was terrified of dying. His last proper day he was awake, sat up, he ate everything put in front of him, he watched TV, he sat and chatted to mum for 3 hours, positive he was going to live. Then he slept for 26 hours before slipping away. If I had been there he would have known why, and he would have been scared. He wasn't scared, not this way. I would have loved to have been there, but not for him to have been scared. So I'm glad I wasn't there, I'm glad he slipped away happy and not frightened. But on the other hand, I struggle with the knowledge I wasn't there..... I'd have loved to have held his hand one more time.

@Ttc42nearly43 I hope you had a birthday you could enjoy or draw comfort from. I turned 50 last year, 6 days after my Dad's funeral, it was such a sad time but we made the best of it. It sounds like you are having such a hard time, I hope you're OK xx

Sending lots of love and strength to everyone. Just wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing.

My dad had his operation last week and is recovering well. It was a very tense few hours whilst we waited (it was just a minor operation but he needed G&A and was incommunicado for a while). My dad has a heart condition, well managed, but deep down I carry that fear that one day he'll just drop dead like mum did.

Grief wise I've been alright. Next month will mark 18 months and it blows my mind I've been doing "this" for 18 months. The world has become a very different place since we lost her (literally and metaphorically). Its still so very difficult to comprehend at times.

Yesterday I found myself absolutely sobbing whilst doing the ironing. I decided to put on an album from my teenage years (16/17) and despite it not being linked to my mum per se gosh it bought back some very strong emotions.

I remember that time when I had my whole life ahead of me and I never had to worry for a moment about grief and loss and sadness. My mum was young and vibrant and so alive. She loved some of the songs in this album too. It took me back to a place in my life when I was protected and innocent and so unencumbered.

I was surprised how emotional I was.

@Ttc42nearly43

Happy Birthday for Friday. I was thinking about you and your Dad because you’d not been on for a bit and just wanted to make sure you were ok (or as ok as can be). I totally know how you will have felt about your birthday as my last birthday last September, it was the day after my birthday that Dad had the heart attack and was rushed into hospital. I’ve told my husband that I won’t acknowledge or celebrate my birthday this year at all. My 40th birthday meal was going to happen just a few days after that. Dad was taking us all out for a meal and we never made it. It’s something I’ll never forget or get over. My bday was the Weds and the next night Dad is rushed into hospital and died on the Friday before my meant to have been birthday meal on the Sunday. This year like you, I’ll be glad when it’s over too. It’s a Thursday so the boys will be at school so I can treat it like a normal day. Did you do anything at all for your bday or did you choose not to? I think it’s really nice that you went to the cemetery, I will also do that on my birthday so that I can at least talk to my Dad and be near him on my birthday. I know September is a while away yet. Both for you on your last birthday and for me, we knew that our dear mum in your case and Dad in mine were seriously unwell.
We spent yesterday with my mum doing her and my Dad’s garden. They have a big garden and my Dad always took great care of it. At some point my mum will need a gardener think but me and my husband and my two boys all mucked in and spent a day doing it. I just like to help mum in any way that I can, even though none of it makes us feel any better about being without my Dad.
Mum is ok, she’s getting through each day the best she can probably like your Dad but she’s a shadow of her old self and will tell you that she hates this life without my Dad understandably. We all do. I don’t cry every single day anymore but Friday night I had to take myself upstairs to just sit on the bed and let it all out. My cat came and sat really close to me as he could see or sense how sad I was and sometimes it just comes over you.
How does your dad get through each day? Does he keep himself busy? How did his AA meeting go?
Not good news about your mother in law’s partner, it doesn’t sound like there is much change unfortunately. Life is so hard.
Still no word from my sister xx

@RainRainRainAgain

I get what you mean about not wanting your Dad to be scared when he passed over. We were with my Dad, holding his hands and begging him not to leave us. It was harrowing and lie something you imagine in a horror film. I’m glad I was with my Dad but circumstances made it that way. He’d been rushed into hospital on the Thursday night and on the Friday we’d been called in to the hospital. We spent hours just sat around his bedside waiting for him to wake up as he was basically asleep breathing through a tube. When they took his tube away, he just slipped away quietly like your Dad. It haunts me every day and I’m finding it so hard and painful without him. How old was your Dad Rain? xx
And what did you do for your 50th? It was my 40th last September, two days before Dad died and I won’t be celebrating this year when I turn 41, I just can’t without my Dad there to join us xx

@Crunchymum

How are you feeling today? I was feeling like you on Friday. For some reason I was thinking a lot about my childhood and things we did when I was at school and about music I liked and friends we had etc and by Friday night I was so emotional as well. None of the memories I was thinking about were particularly about my Dad but they reminded me of a time when like you say, you had no worries and years ahead of you carefree where you had both a mum and a dad and for many years to come.
Like you, our lives have become so different and it’s hard ti get used to. It’s not a different than I like at all. I think some days that I’m doing well in carrying on and still doing things with my kids ad helping my mum as much as I can etc but the pain without Dad and how much I wish I could bring him back and him still be here. I have to stop myself sometimes from thinking too deeply about it.

Great news about your Dad’s operation, I’m so glad it went well and that he’s recovering well too xx

[quote LucyintheSky21]@RainRainRainAgain

I get what you mean about not wanting your Dad to be scared when he passed over. We were with my Dad, holding his hands and begging him not to leave us. It was harrowing and lie something you imagine in a horror film. I’m glad I was with my Dad but circumstances made it that way. He’d been rushed into hospital on the Thursday night and on the Friday we’d been called in to the hospital. We spent hours just sat around his bedside waiting for him to wake up as he was basically asleep breathing through a tube. When they took his tube away, he just slipped away quietly like your Dad. It haunts me every day and I’m finding it so hard and painful without him. How old was your Dad Rain? xx
And what did you do for your 50th? It was my 40th last September, two days before Dad died and I won’t be celebrating this year when I turn 41, I just can’t without my Dad there to join us xx[/quote]
@LucyintheSky21 My dad was 77, had been healthy and active until he got sick 3 years ago, it was heartbreaking to see him lose so much so quickly (the tumour was on his spine and although they operated and got rid of most of it, he was left with minimal strength in his legs), but he was so stoic. I'm glad he had such a happy last day, it was the most important thing.
We just had a quiet day at my parents house for my 50th - which is all we would have done anyway, I'd decided that if he made it to my birthday there was no-one else I wanted to spend it with so we had only been planning a family day at home. So we got in a load of Waitrose food and wine and spent it as we would have done anyway. With the added bonus of a neighbour inviting herself round for a couple of hours to drink my gin celebrate with me. I didn't even know the woman... But you know what, I now look back and laugh, because instead of thinking of my 50th as being a sad time just after I lost my dad, I remember it as the one and only time in my life I have had a birthday party gatecrashed! Dad would have laughed.
Birthdays can be whatever you want them to be - and they can be whenever. When you feel ready, maybe pick another date to celebrate your birthday and do something your dad would have loved.

@RainRainRainAgain

So your Dad was just 3 years older than mine. My Dad was 74. He would have been 75 this month, earlier in February and it was a really tough day. I don’t know about you, and I know that whatever age you lose someone you love it’s going to hurt like hell. But, I can’t find peace with it at all in any way. What I mean (I’m probably not explaining this well), when my Nan died nearly five years ago. I was devastated and it hit me hard as I’d been really close to her. My Nan and my Dad are the only two people who I have lost as an adult or old enough to understand. As hard as it has been without my Nan these last five years, I have made peace with it because I know that she was 85 and nearly 86. Yes I wish she had gone on longer, but she was an old lady when she died and frail and she was ready to go in a lot of ways. She had always wanted to be rejoined with my Grandpa and I know she’d be happy to be with him again.
My Dad on the other hand, was only 74 and I know he wouldn’t have wanted to go yet. He wasn’t ready and his time hadn’t come. He should have had another 10-15 years, I always thought he would. He wasn’t poorly and he had so much that he used to do and so many people he cared for, so many friends too. Grandkids that idolised him and loved doing things with him. I just feel that I’m always going to feel this great sadness inside and that I won’t ever be able to accept what’s happened. Your Dad too should have had much longer as he wasn’t much older than mine. Do you feel like I do in that respect? x

@LucyintheSky21 Yes I know exactly what you mean and I feel the same. My dad was on holiday with us in Wales just 2 months before his diagnosis, enjoying a walking holiday. He was a bit out of sorts, but was out and about and getting in some lengthy hikes. Within days of getting home his legs were buckling and he felt ill, and after a misdiagnosis a new GP sent him for an MRI and they found the massive tumour, and that was it. He was 75 then. All the new walking stuff he'd just bought, and that he had asked for for Christmas, all unused as he never walked unaided again - when he should have been enjoying another 10+ years of active life.

You had the sudden loss of your dad, and that must be so hard to come to terms with. I knew my dad's prognosis, 2.5 years before I lost him. I don't know if that was better or worse - but I do know I did some of my grieving back then, when I lost the dad I knew, knowing he would never come to Wales with us again, would never come to my home again, I'd never sit next to him in his car singing along to the one particular song he loved and used to crank up to full volume in the car. But then we had the not-knowing, never really knowing when the end would come, I sometimes felt like we were always living in dread.

I've often wondered if that knowing the end was coming was worse then none of us knowing what was to come, it felt like such a long time to be grieving. But then what you're trying to comes to terms with sounds so hard. I wish I could say something to help, I really do.

@RainRainRainAgain

Thanks Rain. I guess there are no answers. And who knows which is harder, the knowing it’s coming but not quite when, or totally unexpected and bang out of the blue. How do you ever prepare for it any way that it’s happens? I’ve had a particularly low weekend. I feel like I’ve been in shock for five months and then suddenly now it’s hitting me. I did read a bit about grief and that the shock part can take months. I’ve cried so much between Friday evening and this evening (always out of sight of my two boys) but I think I might go to the cemetery tomorrow where my Dad is buried so that o can talk to him and maybe hopefully feel closer to him. It’s horrible for all of us who have lost either our precious mum or Dad. x

Hi guys, as this thread is almost full I took the liberty of creating a new one

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022

xxx

I've not been on for a while. It's been 5 months since my dad left us suddenly. Day to day I'm doing okay, but still feel his loss keenly, it's like there's an empty space in my life that dad used to occupy. For a while after he died I just wanted to hide away from the world, but I'm am starting to get
out now for days out, and meeting friends, and I think that's a good thing, my dad was very social and wouldn't want me to stop living my life. I can laugh again, I never thought that I would ever again, I still cry too I'm not going to lie, it's the hardest, toughest and most emotional experience I've ever had to cope with, and still am coping with. But clichéd as it is, it does get easier, the pain and sense of loss never go away, it just gets easier to carry them. To those that have just started on this awful awful journey, my heart goes out to you and I send all the love in the world to you.

I've also started following the grieving daughter on Instagram, she has some lovely posts and they really do sum up how i feel sometimes.

I hope it's ok to join. I lost my mum very suddenly and expectedly on Sunday. Still can't get my head around it and am trying to be supportive for my dad who is going though unimaginable pain. It's all still very raw but I have a million things running through my head.

I'm so sorry @MissC07
Things will be so difficult for you right now and I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm 6 months in to losing my mum. Wishing you strength for the days ahead.
Chrunchymum has started a new thread for when this one gets full of you want to join that too.

Sorry to hear your sad news @MissC07

I'm a lot further down the line (almost 18 months) but my mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly at home. My dad and sister had to perform CPR on her until the paramedics arrived.

Do you want to tell us about your mum?

Do you want to talk about what happened?

Your dad will be in unimaginable pain right now, but you are in pain too. Try to be kind to yourself.

The early days really are all about putting one foot in front of the other. My advice is do whatever it is you need to do to get through the hours and the days.

I am sorry for your loss xx

@Berries8 @Crunchymum thank you both, also so sorry for your losses too.

My dad found my mum in bed after he had been out for the majority of the day. He called the paramedics, did CPR but it was too late. Luckily I only live 5 minutes away from them so shot round there. Everything else is a massive blur, the police, the questions, the body being taken away etc.

My mum was only 57 and had no health conditions known to us, she had felt a little bit unwell in the days beforehand but nothing more than a cough/cold. We're now waiting for the coroner to call us and provide more details which probably won't be until late next week.

I'm so worried about my dad, they'd been together basically since teenagers and he keeps saying he's lost his best friend. I just don't know how I'm going to get him through this, the thought of him being at home alone (eventually) is breaking me inside.