For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@vshah140113 - meant to say ‘I know your feelings well’.

[quote LucyintheSky21]@vshah140113 - I know your feeling well. Me and my family are going through the same. It’s very hard. Sorry I can’t say anything more positive.[/quote]
Thank you, it's makes a difference talking to others that have been through the same thing ❤️

I hope you don't mind me joining this thread. My lovely dad passed away on 9th November. It was completely unexpected. He had a massive cardiac arrest on the Saturday and despite the wonderful care in the hospital he never recovered and passed away on the Tuesday night with us all there including my siblings who made it back from abroad in time which I'm taking some comfort in. I was in the house with my parents and my kids only minutes before it happened. We were planning to go back for a takeaway that evening and I'd texted my mum the order when I got home, she said great and half an hour later I got a message and a phone call saying he'd had a turn. We only live down the road so mere minutes after leaving I was standing outside my house able to see the ambulance outside theirs. I'm in Ireland so the funeral happened this day three weeks ago. I'm quite honestly broken and it seems like most days it's getting worse now than better. I went back to work after a week as we're all working from home and my own manager told me to do the bare minimum for the next little while. I cannot say enough about how supportive and kind my colleagues have been. The house is so unbearably quiet now. We all knew he made a lot of noise and was half deaf but it's just eerily quiet. Every time I look around I expect to see him. I'm just rambling now but I just wanted to say hello and offer my condolences to all who are struggling with a similar loss.

@newname1979 - So truly sorry about your Dad. I could have written your post. I hurt reading what you’ve said. It was my Birthday on Weds 22nd Sept. The following day I popped round to see my mum and dad on mr way to do the food shopping. Both healthy fit well and very active etc. That evening I got a call from my mum to tell me to get round there as she’d had to call an ambulance. My Dad had a heart attack and like yours, went into cardiac arrest. He too died the next day in hospital, with me and my mum and sister around the bedside. The hospital did everything they could and I really thought he’d make it. He was only 74 and full of life and healthy and fit and well. So I share your heartache and the rawness. When it’s so sudden and totally unexpected, the shock is something I just can’t explain xx

Thank you @LucyintheSky21 I'm so sorry you've been through something so similar. My dad was nearly 90 but I can't emphasise how much he was still in really good shape overall considering. He had slowed down physically and we were worried a fall might happen but mentally he was sharp as a tack and would buy and sell you. When we called up that day to say hi he was down in the shops replenishing his sweet supply 🙈. Some people have really said such kind things like wasn't it lovely to know how happy his last hour was as we really did have a laugh that day and there is such great comfort in that. He lived a long and mainly very happy life, he wasn't short changed in any way with the number of kids he had or grandkids, career and friends etc. some people have said that "you can't possibly be sad when you think about it like that".....eh he was my dad, he had a wonderful life but now I miss him terribly. I know people mean well and don't think about how certain things they say believing to be kind might be interpreted but I dunno, it's strange when people tell you you can't be sad 🙈. My kids are absolutely heartbroken as is my husband. His dad has been in a home for years and hasn't spoken for years with dementia. It's no life and my dad totally took him under his wing when that first happened and became a surrogate dad to him. I'm just rambling here. I'm so sorry again to hear about your loss. I knew losing a parent would be bad, I just never anticipated how bad.

Oh bless you @newname1979

Sudden deaths are kindest for the person who is gone but not on those of us left behind. It is truly shocking and even 14 months down the line I struggle with what happened 'that' day

10am mum replied to my text
10.30am sister is with mum and ambulance there. Confirmed as a very severe panic attack and mum didn’t want to be admitted (BP and oxygen fine, HR high but HCP satisfied this is down to panic attack, which she did suffer with) mum didn't want to go to hospital.
11.30am call to say mum had collapsed and paramedics were resuscitating her.
12:45pm: after finding someone to come and watch my 3 kids, I arrive at parents house to find paramedics packing up and mum's body on the living room floor.

My whole universe shifted in that short space of time.

I'm glad you all got to be with your dad. My sister and dad were with mum (had to perform CPR until the second lot of paramedics came) but me and my two other siblings missed her by minutes. Not that it made much difference as she was gone the moment she collapsed.

Please be kind to yourself. Grief isn't a linear process. You sound well supported but we are all here to lend an ear.

Oh @Crunchymum that is just so sad and I am so sorry to hear your story. We all take great comfort in the fact that he sad down to read the paper and that was it pretty much and they've said he wouldn't have had a clue what was happening. He was a very proud and independent man so there is no way he could have handled being sick....and we wouldn't have coped with him being sick lol. It's just so hard to actually believe he's gone.

I feel the same @newname1979

At least mum was spared any suffering or pain or indignity. It's what I'd habe wanted for her. It isn't what I want for me.

Thank you for your kind words and as I say there is always a friendly poster here to reach out to x

@newname1979 - maybe you can at least take some comfort from the fact that your Dad was nearly 90 and a fantastic age. He had clearly had a good life with a family that loved him. We’re never ready to say goodbye, but for me I feel robbed that my Dad had his life stolen from him at just 74 years old. He should have had another 10-15 years. A man who worked so hard all his life to provide his wife and both me and my sister, he put me through university and helped me buy my first house, taught us to drive, and had hobbies and interests and friends and a family that adored him. My kids adored my Dad and have lost him at just age 7 and nearly ten. He was fine when I popped in to see him in the Thursday morning and then Thursday night my mum is having to do CPR while waiting for an ambulance to come and like @Crunchymum said about her dear mum, I think my Dad was gone when he went into cardiac arrest. I too had to watch him be carried out on a stretcher and be taken to hospital where he died the next day.

@LucyintheSky21 I do take great comfort in how fortunate and lucky he was. I can only hope I will have a middle and old age as great as he did. It just doesn't help with missing him any less though. A dear friend of mine passed away in September at the age of 40 leaving behind a wife and one year old. That is just so unfair.

@newname1979 Of course it’s always devastating to lose a parent but I just don’t think you can compare losing a mum or dad at the age of 90, to someone who has lost their mum or dad so young at 74 like me. The rawness for me and other people on this thread that have lost their mum’s and dad’s at 66 74, they still had so much of their lives left to live. You’re lucky if you get to Kate 80’s or early 90’s but when you go at that age it’s to be expected and that person has had a good long life. My Dad has had his life stolen from him. There’s just no comparison, I’m sorry.

Lucy, in the kindest way, I don't think that just because @newname1979 lost her dad at an age much older than your dad and mine (73) makes her pain, grief and sense of loss any less than anyone else's on this thread. We're all hurting. I feel like I have been robbed of time with my dad, and I'll never really feel normal again, and I wish he was here and I'm sure @newname1979 feels exactly the same way we all are. Big hug.

@vshah140113

I can relate to how you are feeling right now about the light having gone out in your life. I felt exactly the same after mum passed away back in March this year. I still feel like that but am coping better as in I still miss my mum like crazy everyday but most days apart from a few here and there am managing to cope with everyday life. There is something truly unique when you loose the person who brought you into this world and loved and cared for you all of your life. I have come to accept that there is darkness inside me now a sadness that never lift, a constant yearning for the mother that I have lost. It is now part of me as it is part of you.

All I can really say is keep talking about your mum to anyone who will listen, keep crying as much as you need to, don't hide your grief. Like you I found I couldn't always lean on my dad and sister as they are grieving too so I looked towards friends and work colleagues also get in touch with the Cruse Bereavement helpline in my darkness agonising moments they were there to listen.

There's no easy way through this. I think it is definitely too soon for you but when you are ready try to take some joy from whatever or whoever makes you happy. I have children they got me through the worse part of my grief. I also had a long time off work 5 months I needed this and returned to work to a completely different role I just couldn't face going back to another part of my life without mum in it if that makes any sense.

We can't go back no matter how had we wish that we could turn back the clock and see our mum again. The only way is to push forward but this does take a lot of time and needs a great emotional strength all of which you will be completely depleted from this is normal.

I found painting helped me a few months after mum died I painted very nearly every room in my house along with some furniture. This was very therapeutic at the time. Since then I have got into fitness and joined a local gym. It's really odd but I find that I can't swim. I used the pool just once and all I could see was mum's face under the water in my mind. Mum used to swim a lot in her younger years before she became unwell so I haven't been back in the pool again since then.

I got a card recently through my door from the church it said "shining a light through the darkness" I thought to myself yes am going to shine that light for my mum so on her birthday just Tuesday past she would have been 67. I bought her a lovely metal lantern from IKEA and a big pillar candle. I got in touch with the church where we had mum's service and they opened the church for me just for me no one else and I got to light mum's lantern in the church. I sat for about 30 minutes mostly crying but talking to mum too saying things I wished I had said to her in hospital. I then carried the lantern up to my mum's grave and left it burning there for her.

Am not particularly religious but I felt some comfort with the way I marked mum's birthday. You will find ways too it's hard but you will get there xx

@newname1979

Condolences on loosing your dad he sounds like a lovely man. I think it hurts just as much no matter what the age of your parent. Sending you strength. It sounds like a terrible shock for everyone. Thank goodness your dad didn't suffer but that takes nothing away from your pain now x

I think I'll step away from this thread now as I seem to have misunderstood the intent behind it. Wishing you all well.

[quote Ttc42nearly43]@vshah140113

I can relate to how you are feeling right now about the light having gone out in your life. I felt exactly the same after mum passed away back in March this year. I still feel like that but am coping better as in I still miss my mum like crazy everyday but most days apart from a few here and there am managing to cope with everyday life. There is something truly unique when you loose the person who brought you into this world and loved and cared for you all of your life. I have come to accept that there is darkness inside me now a sadness that never lift, a constant yearning for the mother that I have lost. It is now part of me as it is part of you.

All I can really say is keep talking about your mum to anyone who will listen, keep crying as much as you need to, don't hide your grief. Like you I found I couldn't always lean on my dad and sister as they are grieving too so I looked towards friends and work colleagues also get in touch with the Cruse Bereavement helpline in my darkness agonising moments they were there to listen.

There's no easy way through this. I think it is definitely too soon for you but when you are ready try to take some joy from whatever or whoever makes you happy. I have children they got me through the worse part of my grief. I also had a long time off work 5 months I needed this and returned to work to a completely different role I just couldn't face going back to another part of my life without mum in it if that makes any sense.

We can't go back no matter how had we wish that we could turn back the clock and see our mum again. The only way is to push forward but this does take a lot of time and needs a great emotional strength all of which you will be completely depleted from this is normal.

I found painting helped me a few months after mum died I painted very nearly every room in my house along with some furniture. This was very therapeutic at the time. Since then I have got into fitness and joined a local gym. It's really odd but I find that I can't swim. I used the pool just once and all I could see was mum's face under the water in my mind. Mum used to swim a lot in her younger years before she became unwell so I haven't been back in the pool again since then.

I got a card recently through my door from the church it said "shining a light through the darkness" I thought to myself yes am going to shine that light for my mum so on her birthday just Tuesday past she would have been 67. I bought her a lovely metal lantern from IKEA and a big pillar candle. I got in touch with the church where we had mum's service and they opened the church for me just for me no one else and I got to light mum's lantern in the church. I sat for about 30 minutes mostly crying but talking to mum too saying things I wished I had said to her in hospital. I then carried the lantern up to my mum's grave and left it burning there for her.

Am not particularly religious but I felt some comfort with the way I marked mum's birthday. You will find ways too it's hard but you will get there xx[/quote]
Thank you, I know I will get used to it but it will never leave, as you've said. That is beautiful what you did with the lantern. Praying has helped me through and talking with others who've experienced this too, I guess you never realise until it happens to you. I will have a look at Cruse later but for now I feel like I need to take some time to support my family. I keep my tears in until everyone is asleep so I can cry as much as I want. It's seems a strange method of coping but at night I can sit and think and cry endlessly without worrying if my children might see. I've got 2 with mh issues already so I'm trying not to make them feel worse 😞. Thank you for your kind words

@newname1979 please don't leave, i have found love and support as well as understanding. I completely 'get' your pain and all that comes with grief. I understand why the post might have upset you. Your loss is as immense as the rest of us, please don't think it is any less painful than anyone else's, although it is also a personal thing as we all cope in our own way. Sending a big hug with love.

[quote LucyintheSky21]**@newname1979 Of course it’s always devastating to lose a parent but I just don’t think you can compare losing a mum or dad at the age of 90, to someone who has lost their mum or dad so young at 74 like me. The rawness for me and other people on this thread that have lost their mum’s and dad’s at 66 74, they still had so much of their lives left to live. You’re lucky if you get to Kate 80’s or early 90’s but when you go at that age it’s to be expected and that person has had a good long life. My Dad has had his life stolen from him. There’s just no comparison, I’m sorry.[/quote]
Gently, I think this is really unfair. If you love your parent then you wish you could keep them. That's it. We all feel that way.

@newname1979 I am very sorry for the loss of your dad.

[quote LucyintheSky21]@newname1979 Of course it’s always devastating to lose a parent but I just don’t think you can compare losing a mum or dad at the age of 90, to someone who has lost their mum or dad so young at 74 like me. The rawness for me and other people on this thread that have lost their mum’s and dad’s at 66 74, they still had so much of their lives left to live. You’re lucky if you get to Kate 80’s or early 90’s but when you go at that age it’s to be expected and that person has had a good long life. My Dad has had his life stolen from him. There’s just no comparison, I’m sorry.[/quote]
We are all united by our losses so let's not go down this route.

One loss doesn't trump another. I get what you mean - I lost my mum at 65 and she should have had many more years - but we've all suffered crushing grief and sadness so let's continue to offer support and strength.

Please don’t leave @newname1979. My beloved mum was 97 when we lost her last year and I’m missing her terribly. She was always looking forward to things and would talk about next year, next Christmas.....we loved her. Her spirit shone through just the same. Love is unquenchable and every loss causes us pain no matter what.

Hugs from me.

Hello everyone, was just reading the thread and had to pop on.
Newname please don't leave the thread, there is a lot of support to be had here.
No matter the age of the person who is no longer here, the family and friends who love them still feel that terrible wracking grief. . 💐

Just checking in to see how people are this morning? I feel okay, just a huge headache, but it has been an emotional few days, all my feelings about losing dad have been heightened with attending my aunties funeral on Friday, driving back yesterday (took nearly 5hrs) I felt on the verge of tears all day, but kept it together as I was driving, consequently it ended up all coming out when we got back, I ended up having cross words with mum, felt terrible and did apologise later. I slept a bit better and feel a bit more settled today. I’m finding it’s coming in waves now, I’m okay for a little while and then boom , it’ll just come crashing down on me again, all I I know it is going to be a long long journey coming to terms with it.

I'm so pissed off with my dad again , my sister told me that she had said to him why can't you just do what she's asked and not push your new woman down her throat don't sign cards off from you both etc he responded that he won't be dictated to by his child' then my sister rang my parents home phone the next day and his new woman has recorded a personalised message what the actual fuck. For 29 years they have just had the standard BT voicemail why is she sticking the knife in and why does he let her
I don't feel like I'm coping with any of this the pure disrespect for my wonderful mum is breaking my heart more and more I don't know what to do

Hi everyone, I’m sorry if I have caused offence to anyone on here. That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do and if people want me to step down and leave the thread I will do so.
I know losing a parent is the worst thing in the world, I’m going through it. I know that no matter what age we lose them, we are never ready to say goodbye and wish we could have them longer. But the point I was making and I’m sorry if no-one agrees but we all pass eventually and not many of us get to 100 years of age. I was just a bit hurt myself that someone could talk that way about losing their mum or dad at 90 when I’d have been over the moon if my Dad had got to that grand old age. He was 74 just turned and fit and well and so much life left. I know the lady who posted will be devastated to have lost her dear dad but an element of it is different in my opinion because we all know and expect to lose our parents late 80’s or early 90’s and if they get to that fantastic age, it’s brilliant really as we can say that as sad as we are to not have them here anymore that they did at least live a long life. I can’t say that now. My Dad didn’t get to 90. If he had of got to that age I’d be over the moon he’d made it to such a good age. I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s comparable pain or loss and I’m sorry if people don’t agree. As I say, if people want me to leave I will remove myself from the thread. Again I haven’t meant to upset anyone. I found it quite upsetting myself when there’s people on here like me who have lost their mum’s or dad’s in their 60’s and 70’s and that is in my opinion a life robbed. It’s not fair for them to be taken so young. That’s all I was saying.

@mrssunshinexxx - I really feel for you with that situation with your dad. That’s a real slap in the face for your dad’s new woman to record a message on the home phone answer machine, especially when they’ve never had one. I can see why you feel that’s sticking the knife in, that’s how I’d feel. I’m not sure what you can do other than try yourself to speak to your Dad. It does seem like he’s having none of it though. It’s a really sad situation for you on top of what you’re going through. It makes it much harder for you. I wish I had some better advice.