For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

(306 Posts)
Mummylin Wed 10-Feb-21 20:40:05

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

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mrssunshinexxx Wed 10-Feb-21 21:59:37

Thank you for the new thread x

DazedandConfused27 Thu 11-Feb-21 08:13:47

Thank you for the new thread @Mummylin. The old one brought me a lot of comfort and support.

Struggling again today. For the past few nights I have had dreams about my dad and it's always quite crushing to wake up and remember he's not here anymore...

Sisterlove Thu 11-Feb-21 09:41:12

Thanks for the new thread.

Every day I wake up and feel the loss and a countless times I ask WHY. Why did you take my mum. 💔

This is my reality one month later.

Brillig Thu 11-Feb-21 09:56:57

Thank you for this new thread Mummylin. I find it very reassuring to know that I can come here and talk about mum and my feelings of loss and be understood.

flowers for everyone on here

Mummylin Thu 11-Feb-21 10:50:55

In the early days of losing my mum, which this year I can hardly believe will be ten years, I opened up this thread as I was in despair as many of you here are. There were suddenly lots of others going through the same thing and we were able to talk things through, not just about our losses but any gripe such as husbands or friends not being supportive or ignoring you altogether. Gradually you begin to see that it's a common theme. But gradually we all improved. One of the ladies from those early thread days, made a few of us a little robin to put on our Xmas tree in memory of our lost mum / dad. I still have mine and am so grateful for the support I received from others, that's why I like to carry this on, I know how awful it is and I think until you go through it yourself, you just don't realise how devastating and life changing it is.
But watching this thread, it is pleasing to see how supportive everyone is to each other. You all are helping each other to cope which is great,
It is hard but you will all learn to have a (strange at times ) life even though you will always feel your loss.
I don't post very often these days, but I don't need to as you are all so supportive to each other, but I still read the thread.
Wishing you all peace and happiness will come to you all in time.
💐💐💐💐💐💐

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mrssunshinexxx Thu 11-Feb-21 12:06:38

Same @Brillig i can't ever imagine not wanting or needing this thread x

mrssunshinexxx Thu 11-Feb-21 12:27:45

Thank you so much @Mummylin doesn't matter how long ago it's been since you lose them we always want them x

Glitterb Thu 11-Feb-21 12:47:38

Thank you for the new thread.

Today marks one year from me calling an ambulance after find my Mum unresponsive, she had emergency surgery at 1pm and never really came round. She passed away on the 5th April 2020.

This has most definitely been the worst year of my life and I feel like I will never be the same person again. I am still utter exhausted and feel like I have no support available, lockdown is making everything 100% worse and I miss my Mum.

mrssunshinexxx Thu 11-Feb-21 13:51:03

Hugs @Glitterb losing mine has changed me forever without a doubt I'm not the same person

Cherrycee Thu 11-Feb-21 14:19:01

I lost my mum on Monday and dad almost a year ago. It's so hard. Especially when covid means we can't have people with us and extended family can't travel. Nothing to do after the funeral except go home with a ton of sad thoughts. Having to do this again so soon is shit.

Brillig Thu 11-Feb-21 14:30:38

Sympathies to you, @Glitterb, it’s the kind of anniversary you don’t ever want to mark, but we all have to now.

I’m walking in the park in the freezing cold and keep thinking of how I did this every day last year, during lockdown when I couldn’t get back to see her, and would ring my mum and we’d chat for ages. It just seems totally unreal that she’s not here any more, that she’s not anywhere.

The time had long since arrived that I had become the parent in our relationship - physically she couldn’t manage by herself in many ways, but mentally we felt like equals and friends. I’m aware now how very important she was to me and how desperately I miss her. I feel so lonely without her. I have DH of course but it’s different. Nobody else has known me all my life the way she did, I feel as though we shared a lot and that relationship has been ripped away from me so violently I’m still in shock, on some level.

mrssunshinexxx Thu 11-Feb-21 15:41:15

Really sorry @Cherrycee that's so tough. Do you want to talk about what happened ?x

@Brillig I feel so similar to you, she was my total best friend

mrssunshinexxx Thu 11-Feb-21 15:42:03

@Brillig I feel our relationship would only of got even better/stronger now I am a mum too. It kills me when I allow my brain to acknowledge she will never ever see me being a mum or meet my little girl. So shit

Cherrycee Thu 11-Feb-21 20:08:34

@mrssunshinexxx My dad died from covid in April and my mum had terminal cancer, diagnosed just before the pandemic started. Instead of being able to make the most of her time left she had to hide away and she wasn't able to do much at all.

I'm in my mid 30s and I've lost both parents, it just feels wrong. And we can't even have normal funerals (we didn't get any funeral for dad, just some prayers at the grave). Afterwards we can't spend time with our extended family and friends, it's just straight back home. It feels so so strange and it's really unsettling.

I'm getting married soon without my parents, I don't know how to deal with that. It feels so unfair.

mrssunshinexxx Thu 11-Feb-21 20:41:36

It is totally unfair I really feel for you losing one is totally worse than bad enough I can't imagine how you must feel I'm really sorry. It sounds as though you have a loving partner I hope he is as understanding as he can be and that you have great friends around you @Cherrycee
These huge life milestones , getting married, having children. It hurts without them. My mum died 6 weeks before I had my first baby still can't believe it, definitely haven't accepted it I think I'm on autopilot or something

DazedandConfused27 Thu 11-Feb-21 21:40:22

@Cherrycee I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I'm also mid thirties and meant to be getting married this year, but without my dad I really can't envisage a happy day so I'm considering cancelling and just having a very basic ceremony with no wedding as such.

It's so hard to ever imagine happiness again. I'm also very worried about my mum who has always drank a bit too much but now I feel like she is very likely to descend into drinking more so because of her loss. I'm worried about her, trying to support my dc, home school, work, and deal with my own grief. My dp isn't naturally empathetic either. I just feel like I'm drowning at the moment.

swinglowsweetchariot12 Thu 11-Feb-21 21:46:22

I just lost my mum to covid a month ago. She was only early 60's, I'm mid thirties with a 2 year old.

I'm struggling with how to be a mum without my mum, she was my greatest support, my rock and the best nanny ever.

The grief just keeps getting worse

Sorry for those who have lost a parent too x

Sisterlove Thu 11-Feb-21 23:29:45

@Cherrycee*

I lost my mum on Monday and dad almost a year ago. It's so hard

I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents, especially just a year apart. My heart goes out to you.

I'm in my mid 30s and I've lost both parents, it just feels wrong.

It's very wrong.

It just seems totally unreal that she’s not here any more, that she’s not anywhere.

That's how I feel. It seems absolutely unreal.

@DazedandConfused27

I'm also mid thirties and meant to be getting married this year, but without my dad I really can't envisage a happy day so I'm considering cancelling and just having a very basic ceremony with no wedding as such

Sorry about this Dazed. It's just so hard. Losing your parent anytime is bad...but when they're relatively young it's just heartbreaking.

It's so hard to ever imagine happiness again. I'm also very worried about my mum

I get you and understand the happiness thing. It isn't something I can see anymore. I don't look forward to anything now and I/we had a few plans this year....Covid permitting.

I'm worried about my dad too. It's like life has no meaning or value for him since mum passed 5 weeks ago. He's just so distraught and in bits. He's lost a fair amount of weight too.

It's just a horrible situation to go through.

Maybe in time things will improve. I don't want my DC to think they don't mean anything to me and that I can't reach a place of enjoying family life again.

@swinglowsweetchariot12

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum to covid too...just 5 weeks ago. We're around the same stage in our journey.

I miss my mum so very much. I feel robbed in the way she went. That she would have been here if not for the evil covid disease.

swinglowsweetchariot12 Fri 12-Feb-21 11:24:32

@Sisterlove I'm sorry for your loss too.

It's the worst feeling ever. I feel like in a month my my has died, become a statistic and I've wiped her off the face of those earth forever like she never existed to anyone but family.

It's also highlighted how small my family is, literally two biological members left and feel sad for my daughter. I'm worried she's going to be lonely if we don't have another baby, but financially we can't afford another child and I wouldn't have the support network I had with my mum.

DazedandConfused27 Fri 12-Feb-21 12:02:02

@swinglowsweetchariot12 I feel for you. I have a tiny family too. And this has highlighted to me how fragile life is and how easily people can be lost. It makes me very frightened for the people I have left (one of which is very old anyway). I just feel terrified that I'm going to end up alone. Obviously I have my dp and ds but having suffered two significant losses in the past 2 years, my dad just a week and a half ago, I feel my family shrinking and it's awful.

I'm glad we have each other here for support I truly am.

Mummylin Fri 12-Feb-21 12:38:42

It is very hard to imagine a life without your loved ones. I am further on from most of you and just want to give you hope for the future. You do have a life to look forward to, it may not be yet and of course will never be the same, but there will still be things for you to enjoy, even though I'm sure for some of you at this time it seems impossible.
Of course we will never forget and even though they are not here, we still go on loving them.
I and my siblings often talk about mum and these days we can have a chuckle at things we all used to do together. It may take a while but you will get there. 💐💐💐

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DazedandConfused27 Fri 12-Feb-21 19:30:21

I feel like I'm spamming this thread lately but I'm really struggling at the moment.

My dp is driving me mad. By his own admission he isn't the most empathetic man and he isn't close to his family. He got on well with my dad but other than the initial 'sad day' when he passed he seems to be carrying on pretty much as normal and expecting me to be the same. I have still managed to shop, clean, homeschool ds and everything else usually required of me. But of course my mood has been down and he doesn't seem to fucking get that! Everything seems too much for him. I'm struggling to sleep and a few times he's complained about me coming to bed late and disturbing him. He grumbles about things I want to watch on TV when really could he not just let me decide? Anything to cheer me up? Right now he is sulking and barely talking to me because we had a row earlier. I just feel totally unsupported by him and have no patience to deal with him. He doesn't say the right thing. He doesn't make me feel like he genuinely cares about what I'm going through. I can't work out if my feelings are skewed because of what I'm going through or if he's just a bit of a dick. Was anyone else's partner totally useless? I can admit I haven't been the best to live with over the past few weeks but what does he expect given what I've gone through?

I'm also worried about my mum who is eating nothing and drinking lots. She has always been a big drinker but now she has an excuse I feel like it could get out of hand.

I feel drained and like I just want to jump in my car and be away from them all.

mrssunshinexxx Fri 12-Feb-21 19:41:13

@DazedandConfused27 yes my dh was not great but he was annoyed at me for going 100mph running around after my dad when I was so heavily pregnant I think if I hadn't of been pregnant he would of just left me too it but I basically moved in there for the 6 weeks inbetween mum dying and the baby being born he thought I wasn't putting him or the baby first , I wasn't. I was putting my dad first as he had just lost his wife of 45 years and I didn't want him to kill himself and I was genuinely worried if left alone he would of done something stupid. Now time has past and I look back and my dad put on me far too much and took away the precious first few months of me being a mum nevermind grieving my own mum on top, plus meeting a new woman at 6 months post losing mum, would I of done the same if I know what I know now ? I don't know
But in short we ROWED a lot it's a miracle we got through it but I glad we did
His parents were not great either being an understatement very insensitive I feel as though they think I should be normal by now, guess what I never will be

Mummylin Fri 12-Feb-21 20:57:06

My was merrily singing the same song we had had at my mums funeral not long before. I was so angry , but hurt too. He was singing along as it was playing on the tele.
I know they don't mean to upset us, but sometimes it's just as simple as they just don't think

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