For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@Ttc42nearly43 - Oh I am so sorry you’re feeling like this. I too feel like life is whizzing by really quick and almost too fast for me to stand still for even a few moments. It’s 11 weeks today since we lost my Dad. It’s gone by so fast, I just can’t believe it. I try to ignore it, pretend it’s not real but I can’t help think about my Dad every minute of the day. I still just can’t believe he’s not here. How is the counselling going? Do you feel it’s helping, either with your marriage or your loss?
I just keep thinking how close it’s getting to Christmas Day and how truly awful it’s going to be this year. I’ve never had a Christmas Day in my life where I’ve not spent it with my Dad and I don’t want to start now. I have a sister who isn’t talking to me and hasn’t since what happened.
I keep asking myself the same thing over and over each day..is my Dad really not here? Is this still some terribly bad dream or someone’s idea of a sick joke. Life has lost all it’s joy.

Sorry not been around for a few days.,I’ve just been utterly exhausted. What with all the driving the end of last week so we could attend my aunties funeral, then helping mum out over the weekend, which I don’t not mind doing. I came home Tuesday afternoon and have been at work the rest of the week, it’s drained me. I’m also so so worried about mum, she’s really low at the moment, think it’s all finally hit her., she said she feels like there is huge hole in her chest where dad should be, and losing my auntie is like losing her best friend as they were really close. All I want to do is hug her and I can’t being so far away. It hurts so much hearing her so sad.

@Testarossa44 - I feel your pain, I really do because my mum is exactly the same. She’s so low and lost without my Dad. We are as well, but obviously it’s much harder for our mum’s who were with our Dad’s 24/7. I wish I had some good advice or helpful advice but I’m in the same situation. I don’t live far from mum but at the moment have to isolate until Tuesday next week so have been ringing her about 6 times a day. I don’t know what to say to my mum because I can’t say it’ll get better because I know it won’t ever be better. It’s just the worst thing that could ever have happened, it’s the most painful feeling in the world. At least with most situations you can think to yourself that things will pick up or improve, but not when you’ve lost someone as close as your mum or your dad (in our case). It must be so incredibly hard for your mum having lost your auntie as well, it’s just so cruel and unfair. I really do think life is just cruel and unfair.

Ttc when people die, it feels like they are on a train pulling away from the platform, and we're left behind, the distance slowly but inexorably increasing. Every day is one more day since I held them or saw them or spoke to them, since my memories of the living person were formed.

Just thought I'd pop on and see how everyone is holding up.

I know a lot of you are facing that horrendous first Christmas without your mum or dad. It probably will be as difficult and as sad as you think it will. It's just another one of those heartbreaking "firsts" you have to deal with. I found Christmas one of the hardest times to be honest.

On the 'up' side - if there is such a thing - I'm now doing my second Christmas without mum (it will be 15 months soon) and I feel like I'm handling it much better. In fact I'm currently having the most positive period of my life since she died. I think of her all the time of course but I don't feel the crushing, all consuming sadness I did in the early days nor do I feel the sense of loss all the time. I am able to think of mum in happier times, I'm able to talk about her without it leading to tears. In fact I haven't had a proper cry for a while now (I am a crier so I'm due some big, ugly sobs I imagine)

I had a huge milestone this week - my disabled 3yo was in her first ever school play - my mum would have been in raptures. I know this. And it didn't make me feel sad, it made me feel like I'll be able to think of mum during significant moments and know she'd have been so proud. We are still going to make her proud, even if she isn't alive. Because she is "here" In memory and in all of our continued existence (4 children, 13 grandchildren)

@Crunchymum thank you for sharing that your 2nd Christmas is a little easier than the first, and that you can think about happier times and it doesn't always lead to tears. It gives hope and a glimmer of light to those of us that are still struggling with the early days of grief.
I'm anxious about Christmas, and I know there will be tears, but I think the run up as actually worse, I used to love all the present buying, wrapping and generally cosiness of Christmas. My dad would be telling me about all the lovely food he was preparing, and that's all gone this year and I'm not sure I'll ever feel the same again.

Day to day I'm coping okay, it's not quite as overwhelming as it was, the raw pain isn't as consuming as it was, but it's still there, i still cry, but its for shorter periods. The grief and sadness are still there just under the surface, ready to break through at any moment, but i feel in control abit more, if only in tiniest small amount.

I have lost both parents this year. I am dreading Christmas. That was my family. Not sure what I'll do...I often work but not this year. It is so hard as all anyone can talk about is Christmas and the importance of family time. I want to scream but I don't have a f family!!! Rant over.

@herbertandking so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in September, 5 weeks after my auntie passed away. I'm not looking forward to Christmas, it just seems so hard to even think about celebrating. I feel like the world is throwing Christmas in my face, seems to be nothing but cosy families on the TV. Sending hugs. Xx

@Testarossa44 right back at you x thanks for understanding!

This will be my third Xmas without Mum and it didn't really have an impact the first two. She had been so sick her last few months, I could at least accept her death as the least worst thing.
But now I'm wrapping presents and keep coming across old present bag labels that she wrote. She wasn't some cutsie-cutsie little old lady by an stretch of the imagination, but she did genuinely enjoy getting us all presents and was a fantastic cook as well.
I suppose at least I can cry now. I couldn't cry when she died (pretty awkward during her memorial ceremony ;/). At least there's that.

Hope everyone is doing as well as they can.

I’ve just been hiding away from everything. Doing the bare minimum and putting the brave face on for work but this week is just too much. I’ve had a wobble and told them so. I’ve been crying while driving home from work, something has to give. Just hope things seem brighter after Christmas is out of the way. The doctor has given me some more Zopiclone and wants to speak to me again in a month.

Mum loved Christmas so we are really trying but it’s so hard. We always had big family Christmases and spent it together - so I’m hosting Christmas Eve and my older sister is doing Christmas Day. She would have been cross if we didn’t.

Hi everyone,
I’ve posted before but name changed a few times. I found after mum died I used mumsnet a lot more - especially during the night - so I’ve been name changing far more than I usually would.

I feel guilty for coming back when I’ve not been posting and supporting you all. But I’m struggling and hope you don’t mind. It is approaching 6 months since my mum died. The raw, all consuming, painful grief of the early days has passed - thank god as that was awful. I thought I was doing ok. I am back at work. I accessed some counselling but have chosen to stop for now.

But I almost feel like I’m entering a phase that it is so much harder - i can’t believe she is gone. I know this sounds ridiculous for an almost 40 year old women but I can’t believe THATS IT. I keep picturing her when she died. I just can’t believe it. But of course I know it is.

Is this normal? I am starting to feel bereft at times again. I want her back - the way she was before dementia. Or even selfishly, with dementia but healthy.

It’s almost like in the early days I was devastated - accepting of her death. Planned her funeral, sorted out all of her belongings etc. Now 6 months on, it’s like my brain is looking for her. Sounds pathetic I know!

Almost like, ok that was long enough, now come back. I know this sounds insane but I promise you I am a fully functioning adult and I know that she obviously can’t come back. I hope I making some sense!!

@Lucillesbigsister don't know if it will make you feel any better but I feel EXACTLY the same. I have hundreds of pictures of her everywhere in my house loads on side of the fridge sometimes I just stop and stare at one in particular it's a really close up one her smile is so wide and it sounds ridiculous because obviously she was, but she just looked so alive and I just stare at it and think no more hugs no more kisses, conversation, advice , never can I smell you or touch you again. You are really gone for the rest of my life , I will never get to see you or do anything with you ever ever ever again. And bang it floors me I just drop to the floor and sob like mu life depends on it.
Grief is brutal

@Lucillesbigsister I understand. Six months for me too and I recognise the feeling of "ok that's quite enough, time to come back now". I've had a few dreams about mum recently, which feels like a sort of contact with her.

I wish I'd found this thread in the earlier days following her death. Love and to you all. I'm feeling a bit wobbly about Christmas but I suppose we'll get through it.

When I'm at my mum's I keep expecting dad to come home from town with the shopping, or that's he's on the golf course and will be back.soon. Still can't really believe he's gone and I won't ever ever see him again. The raw intense pain of immediately after dad died has gone, the emotions are not so overwhelming, but they are still there. I find evenings the worst, think it's when I'm tired it all gets a bit harder. I'll be glad when the festive period is over, although dad's birthday is the 19th Jan. So will be trying to cope with that pretty much after.

I’m so sorry you guys feel the same and understand. It’s rubbish isn’t it.

I’m not really dreading Christmas weirdly - I love it, my mum loved it. So we will celebrate in style - Covid permitting. It’s day to day that is harder I find.

Sending everyone love and strength

Came home after work to a card and letter from my auntie (not my real auntie, but my mum's best friend from college) she wrote some lovely things about my dad, said i was the apple of his eye. It's completely broken me again, I've just sat here and sobbed. My partner does not understand why, he said, but it's all nice things she's said. I love him, but just sometimes....

Dreading the new year as I can no longer say ' I lost my mum last year' and feel like people will expect me to be over it even tho it's still so recent and I'll never be over it but people that don't know grief will never get it

How is everyone doing in the last few days before Christmas? I’m kind of going through the motions really. Been staying at mums over the weekend, back home tomorrow. I taken her shopping so she’s enough in food wise, and helped her put up a little tree and some tinsel, swapped presents etc, We’re both struggling knowing that Christmas will never ever be the same as in the past, we’ve both cried a lot the last few days. I went to the cemetery today, first time I’ve been back. My dad loved a tot of whisky, so I took some with me, I had a sip and then poured the rest where his ashes are. Felt liked we’d shared a Christmas drink in a way. There’s a bench where he is. I sat for ages, ‘chatting’ to him, interspersed with tears. But I did find it oddly comforting. Sending hugs to those that need one.

@Lucillesbigsister perfectly normal.
My FiL, I visited more or less daily during his last spell in hospital, held his hand as he died, helped organise his funeral. And yet my dumb lizard brain, for YEARS after, would go,
"Ooh we ought to arrange to see , haven't seen him for ages for some reason that I momentarily cannot put my finger on "
I mean FFS

And, now, it's doing the same thing with my Mum. Intellectually I am well aware that she is dead. I sat in her hospital room when a lovely doctor came round to formally check! I organized her funeral! Gave away some of her clothes! Got a death certificate, probate, planted her grave and took considerable pains over her headstone. Which pretty much always indicates that a person is indeed no longer alive.

Tell that to my subconscious, which is, like a clueless toddler demanding to "go see Granny" two weeks after Granny's funeral, agitating to go shopping for Mum's presents and give her a call.

It must be a very basic mammalian thing. So much of life is seasonal and cyclic, and on top of that, we used to live in big family groups where X might grow old and die but you still had their grandnieces Y and Z and their sisters and cousins, all peas in a pod, so, you know, we're just not that used to "going away FOR EVER".

I am used to the phenomenon now, but I still don't particularly appreciate it :|

Hi everyone I've been quiet recently just trying to brave myself for Christmas. I've decided to lltry my best to let it pas by without much of a focus on it. I'll "do Christmas" for the kids

Sorry I just realised that I posted half a message last night I was awake worrying about my dad. My phone went funny and I just noticed that my post had been sent and I never finished it.
My dad was found on the floor last night drunk he keeps binge drinking this isn't new for him he has been like this for many years but it's got more frequent since mum died in March.

Last night I was just lost for words. He was sitting telling me that he had a dream about mum he dreamt that he was buried next to mum and they were talking to each other. He says he wants to be with mum even if it means in death. I have no idea what to say anymore. I have been through it all with him sobbing and begging him to stop as am scared he will kill himself from drinking but he keeps going back to it.

Am exhausted with it all. I understand the pain he is feeling but this isn't helping anyone. I have no idea what to do. I stayed over last night and I have the morning off work but I need to work this afternoon and get home to my husband and kids.

Sometimes I think he's selfish but I don't give him a row or anything I just feel that am powerless to stop what is happening right now. I don't want to loose him too. Why cant he see how much his behaviour is hurting everyone else??

@Ttc42nearly43 sorry you're going through dealing with that. I don't really know what to suggest. My cousin is a binge drinker, has been since his 20's. So much so he didn't even attend his own mother's funeral 2 weeks ago. Can you speak to his doctor for some help? It's a difficult and painful time of year for all of us coping with a loss, without you having to deal with this as well. Hugs.