For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

Hi all. I know I keep popping up on the thread when I need to just blurt something out - I'm sorry. How is everyone this morning?
I was offered a new job yesterday. It's a big promotion in my organisation and I'm just thrilled. I rang my DH to tell him and burst into tears. The reality is I would have called my mum first. I miss her so much.

@kittlesticks totally can relate to big exciting news . Huge congratulations 🥳 you should be proud of yourself landing a big promotion regardless but especially when you are going through such a tough time . Maybe it's nice to think that your mum just knows ? X

@kittlesticks as soon as I found out I was pregnant again she was the only person I wanted to tell and when baby arrived same emotions. Barely had any visitors I'm talking 3 people in nearly 3 weeks it's just too painful as I just want her to walk through the door and scoop up her grandchildren

Hi everyone, how are you all today? I met a friend this morning to do some shopping to take my mind off things, and this afternoon DH popped back from work so we could go for a nice long walk together. I think walking helps because it’s getting out, exercise and fresh air and nice to walk and talk about Dad. Mood wise though I feel very fed up and little motivation, I feel I’m having to push myself to do these things.
@mrssunshinexxx - it’s good too that your DH was so close to your mum like mine was to my Dad. You sort of know you’re not alone and not the only one grieving for them although of course it’s not the same for them as it is for us. Exactly like you, we talk about Dad every day in our house. The kids talk about him and I do and so does DH and of course when my mum comes up each night for her tea we talk about him. We talk about him like he’s still here really but that’s how I like it. It keeps them alive I think. You sound a lot like me. I don’t know if I said but shortly after this happened I chose a really lovely picture that I had on my phone of my Dad with my two boys and I had it blown up and done in a canvas for the lounge wall, and it’s the nicest picture of my Dad. He’s smiling in it and it looks almost life like. The boys say it’s like Dad is in the room with us, and I say ‘he is’. He’s with us all of the time, and I hope to God he is. We should always talk about our mum’s and dad’s. I think your DH is absolutely right to be pissed off with your Dad for what he’s done. In my eyes, it’s unforgivable. Don’t get me wrong, it’s only you who can decide how you feel about it and whether you want to have any contact as it’s your situation and others can only advise and say how they’d feel, but for me I could never forgive that. Grieving or feeling alone, whatever it is, you can’t and don’t replace your husband or wife of so many years. My mum was a bit younger than my Dad and married happily for 47 yearsd yet I know my mum will never meet anyone else, she just would not want to be with anyone but my Dad. I’m not saying it’s wrong to eventually find someone else, although I know I’d find that very hard to accept but after such a short time. I would feel just the same as you. Families can be hard work and can really cause unwanted upset at times like these when we should all be pulling together. My sister I can’t forgive. She hasn’t spoken to me since the night of dad’s funeral and has blocked me and her final message to me was that I was ‘dead’ to her. Just after my Dad had passed. She also referred to mine and my kids relationship with our parents as ‘toxic’, just because we see more of them than she ever has made the effort to. She is speaking to my mum sort of. She hasn’t spoken to mum for 4 weeks which I feel is unacceptable and she has a couple of times sent a text message but there’s always something niggly and bitchy in there. She text mum the other day for example and said if mum ever wanted to go stay with her she can but that she really had hoped things would have been different and that mum had stopped seeing us (as in me). She’s sadly eaten to the core with jealousy and she’s said awful things about my boys (7 and 9). It’s all out of jealousy and nothing more. Dad had wanted her to move back and she kept saying she was trying to but she didn’t get back in time, so of course it’s my fault. I don’t hold grudges and I’m always first to back down in situations and I’ve had so much of this jealousy from my sister in years gone by, but did her to stoop this low after this has happened to my Dad, which we never expected. How can that ever be forgiven?
Do you expect to hear from your Dad at or before Xmas? For what it’s worth, I don’t think your dad will be as happy as you think with the new woman. He’s just filling a void which really deep down can’t ever be filled or replaced. xx
@kittlesticks - congratulations on the job offer! Your mum will know. She will have seen. They’re watching us all the time. x

@LucyintheSky21 I feel exactly the same as you no motivation but you just have to crack on . Just been doing bedtime with my 2 and they have pushed me to the brink it's bloody hard . Your sister sounds like a right piece of work I'm sorry to say I think you aren't missing out sadly and how dare she try and make your mum choose between her children like she's ever going to do that! How awful!
I dunno you know I keep thinking did he love her all that much or were they just coasting ? I know if my husband died tomorrow even after only 8 years together vs there 40 the LAST thing on my mind would be moving on and the first thing on my mind would be getting my children throigh it as unscathed as possible. My dad is a very selfish man he always has been I don't know why I'm surprised. My sister told me yestderday that she said to him ' why couldn't you of just done what she asked and not push this woman down her throat and send cards signed off from you both etc then she may of come back to you' apparently he said he won't be dictated to by his child. I'm a 29 year old woman with children of my own he can go f**k himself excuse my language but I think he's a terrible excuse for a dad, and an even crapper grandad and a fairly lousy husband . My mum was just so bloody amazing in every way it covered for his crapness! God I'm glad I have this thread to just rant

@mrssunshinexxx - oh you sound so much like me. Don’t apologise for anything you say on here. When was the last time you saw your Dad? I completely agree with everything you’ve said about 1. My sister and 2. Your dad. I’m sure though that having been married as long as your parents were (same as mine 40+ years) that your mum was the love of his life. I know it’s hard to believe that given what he’s done, but I’ve known people fo this and I think it’s because often they’re so weak without the person they’ve lost or dependant. Years ago before I was with DH I was in a relationship with someone and his mum died tragically after we’d only been together 4 months. It was Boxing Day. His dad was absolutely distraught and it was harrowing to watch. Even at the funeral it was agonising to watch my boyfriend at the times dad. He was broken. And then.., unbelievably a few weeks (yes, weeks) later he was online chatting to women on a dating app. He went all the way to London to meet one woman, but she found him too needy and full on an I think she could see what he was trying to do. And what he was trying to do was just find a replacement because he couldn’t cope. His son and his daughters were absolutely furious and hurt because the next woman he found online he moved into the family home almost immediately. Their mother had barely been laid to rest. I remember at the time I thought ‘what the actual f**k!’. So it does happen but it also doesn’t make it right. I actually think it’s weak and selfish and pathetic. But the man I’m talking about lost a lot of his family through this because no-one could believe it or accept the new woman and I’m not surprised. With your dad, I do think as well that he could show a bit of tact at least and not be signing things from the both of them. I’m like you though and I usually speak my mind, and for me I couldn’t have contact with my mum or dad if they had done that. That’s not to say that I’m saying that’s what you should do though. I can’t tell you what to do.
With regard to my sister, you’re spot on and like you’ve said about your dad, my sister is very selfish. She cares about her and how this is all affecting her. She is making mum choose between her family and mine. But she’s also hurt mum deeply by doing this and hasn’t been there for mum. Don’t take this the wrong way, because I love my mum and my mum and dad both mean the world to me and if this had been the other way round I would be doing all the same things now for my Dad. It’s not that I mind in any way, it’s my duty as I see it to take care of my mum and carry her and that’s what I’m doing. She’s on her own now and she feels she has no life and nothing to live for without my Dad. But it is tiring and hard because as you know with having kids, I have two and they play you up, I’m up early every day for the school run and getting them ready. I’m a stay at home mum but I still have loads to do at home and the shopping etc and I’m struggling to deal with what’s happened to my dad and I’m running to and from mum’s and doing it all single handed. I just think my sister could have bloody helped. She works from home, if you can even call it that but with her partner and it only takes one of them. She could take her phone or laptop to mums house and still do work if she needed to. Her kids aren’t young like mine and she could be helping be there for mum. And her sister. We’ve been doing mum and dad’s garden. They have a big garden and we’ve had two weekends where me and DH and my two boys have been out there with brushes and shovels and spades clearing leaves and gardening not to mention dealing with formal stuff. I’ve had to find someone financial to help mum with dad’s shares and finances etc etc. My sister has done not one thing. It’s me who has stepped up and yet all my sister does is slag me off. I don’t think I will actually be able to forgive her.
Oh and what you said earlier, yes shall we try meet up after Xmas in January? And anyone else who can and would like to? xx

DH had Christmas music on this morning. Genuinely wanted to punch him. I had genuinely not realised it was December, even though I knew it was - if that makes sense?

The germs are finally starting to ease up (I hope), but littlest has decided she still does not want to sleep alone - at all. And still wakes every 1-2 hours.

In a completely selfish way, I want my mum to come round and play with the baby whilst I a) recover, and b) clean my house/wrap presents.

Even with her health/memory issues she loved playing with the kids. I couldn't leave them unattended anymore but she still adored being with them.

Feeling tearful and alone today. (Appreciate tiredness isn't helping). I know I'm being unfair to DH but at the same time can't help how I feel?

Feeling pretty shit right now tbh.

I hope everyone else is having a better day. Sorry for whinging. I'll be better after a coffee I'm sure.

I've got my Auntie's funeral tomorrow. It's bought my dad's funeral right to the for front of my thoughts and feelings at the moment. Feeling quite sad today. I've got to drive and its not a drive I've ever done before and I'm very anxious about it. it's 200 miles and we're leaving at 5am as the funeral is 11.15am.
Not doing Christmas at home, but feel like it's being rammed down my throat everything i go, turn on the radio, TV etc. Just want it all to go away.

@Testarossa44

Thinking of you today/tomorrow. I hope that once the funeral is done it will be one less reminder/thing to think about. I know it doesn't always work that way though.

I feel the same as you re Christmas. Irony is mum didn't even celebrate Christmas for religious reasons, but she was always around in the lead up to it and we would do things in January which was something to look forward to. (Before lockdowns and deterioration etc)

I think this is the bit I'm finding hardest as opposed to the day itself. I still can't be arsed with it though, it will be the usual day with DH's family (which is well meant but I generally find stressful with arguments/tension anyway - at least I can have wine this year).

Also I keep playing the 'this time last year' game. I really need to try to stop doing that....

@Saz345 - How are you feeling now? I’ve only just read your post otherwise I’d have replied sooner. I’m sorry you’re feeling shit today, I feel like that every day. I don’t blame you for how you feel about your DH with the xmas music. I’ve already told my DH that as soon as they start with all that xmas music in the supermarkets I won’t be going in. I find it really depressing at any time of the year. Sorry if anyone on here is religious. We’re not, but for some reason I find something about xmas music depressing.
Last night after tea, I don’t know what came over me but I had a huge go at my DH. We were looking together at something online for my mum that she’d asked us to look at for her and help with and I felt DH wasn’t helping. He probably was, but I get to a certain point in the day where I’ve kept myself busy all day and functioning but I get to a point (usually evenings) where I feel angry and irrate about Dad not being here and I just took my anger out on DH. I was quite nasty, I even said something on the lines of ‘it should have been your dad instead of mine’. What a thing to say. I obviously didn’t mean it, even DH is closer to my mum and dad than his own and we’ve always done everything with mine and don’t do that much with his. But even so, I shouldn’t have said it. I hope no-one thinks badly of me because I actually didn’t mean to say that. It just slipped out in an angry rage.
Today it’s been freezing cold. And to keep my mind off things I decided to paint fence panels. Yes, painting fence panels in the freezing cold weather. What a stupid idea. I’ve never felt so cold and unwell until after I’d finished. And it’s taken hours for my hands and feet to thaw out.
And then I look to the other side of the garden and see the other fence which my Dad built for us and the gate he made for us and I thought, all that could do with a lick of posing (in spring or next summer obviously) but when I saw it and started to remember when my Dad made it for us. It’s things like that. He did so much for me.
And I know what you mean about wishing your mum was there to help while you wrap presents. My two would normally go round to my mum and dad’s to do stuff with my mum and dad together while I wrapped. It’s just so shit, I hate it and I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. I’ve lost count now of how many weeks it will be tomorrow 😪.
It’s such a shame we don’t have a coffee morning for us all if we all lived close and when feeling shit one of us could just post on like a group WhatsApp and we could all meet xx

@Testarossa44 - I will also be thinking of you tomorrow. You will get through the day somehow. I still don’t know how I got through Dad’s, I felt numb for all of it. It’s a shame you have that long drive beforehand for your mind to think on things but I hope it goes as well as it can do. Where are you having Xmas or are you not doing it?

@Saz345 - dreading Xmas and trying not to think too much about it. Would you normally spend it with your DH’s family? We still haven’t discussed it and arranged what to eat or where to have it. Whatever we do, it’s just going to be a really tough and painful day without my Dad. I will have to drink wine to get through and I think there will be a lot of tears for everyone. It’s 10 weeks tomorrow since we lost my Dad. I feel like I try not to think about it a lot of the time as it’s too much and so painful but at the same time, I still feel like none of this is real.

I'm having Christmas as home with just my partner, just going to do a roast chicken dinner, he's going to his parents/family in the afternoon, I'm not, can't bear the thought of trying to make jolly when i'll just be feeling miserable. My mum is going to my sister's for the day. We were supposed to be having Christmas with mum and dad, we travel up and stay a few days. Dad loved the food side of Christmas, and was a fab cook and always went to town with Christmas Dinner. I can't bear that that is never going to happen again, rips me apart. I have bought presents for family, and will do family cards. I've put a post on Facebook asking people not to send cards. I'm not putting decs up either. I can just about cope with the Xmas stuff when I'm out, of when I go home I'm not surrounded by christmas. It's never going to be the same ever again.

@Testarossa44 - Ah I remember you saying that in another post about having xmas day at home just you and your DH and having roast chicken. I know exactly what you mean, it will never be the same. I’m absolutely crushed that I won’t have e another xmas with my Dad. He also loved the food side of it. Me and Dad both love xmas cake and my mum makes it every year and it’s out of this word. My Dad loved it with cheese and also xmas pudding which every year my mum has made. We have always had xmas day at my mum and dad’s house. Every single year for all my 40 years. This year mum isn’t making xmas cake or xmas pudding. We will go to my mum’s because I still want to be with my mum and at my mum and dads house if that makes sense but no idea what we will eat. My dad loved xmas turkey dinner so much, I’d be happy to just have egg and chips to soften the blow. But nothing will soften the blow, my heart aches to see my Dad and talk to him just one more time xx

I am so sorry for all of you facing your first Christmas without your beloved mum or dad.

It's brutal. I spent most of the day "cooking" (crying in the kitchen) which is the last thing my festive loving mum would have wanted.

I want this year to be different - it will be 15 months just before this Christmas that we lost mum - but feck me it's hard.

Today I put up my festive twigs. Yes festive twigs (we have a fake and a real tree too but the twigs come first) and it struck me how much of a "mum" thing this is. The woman loved a Christmas twig in fact we would often compare our festive twig collection. I thought of her so fondly when I dug them out.

This evening I can't stop crying. I'm so fucking sad that I'm doing another Christmas without her. I don't want to do anything without her. I don't want birthdays of Christmases or even another day to pass without her.

My raw, all consuming grief has passed, for the most part, but now I'm left with that finality, that totality - she is gone. She won't meet her 13th grandchild, she won't do the macarana again, she won't feel sunlight or snowflakes, she won't laugh or cry, she won't put the tattered star on her Christmas tree or stroke her beloved cat, she won't try a new food or have a NYE toast with champagne, she won't know her disabled granddaughter is thriving or that my dad can actually cook!! She won't know how much we love her and miss her.

It's all so utterly sad.

@Crunchymum - Your post brought tears to my eyes. Ten weeks it is tomorrow for me since we lost Dad, and I just can’t bare it. It’s not getting any easier. Most of the time I walk around pretending he’s still here. That might sound nuts. We still have made zero plans for xmas day. Like you, I don’t want even one xmas to be without my Dad, or one birthday for either of my boys. My mum wishes she wasn’t here either, so she could be with my Dad. Everything everywhere reminds me of my Dad and I can’t make it stick in my head that we won’t see him again or hear his voice, that he won’t answer the phone when I ring my mum’s house. I want to ring him and tell him I have a job for him to come and fix and for him to sigh and tell me he’ll be round at whatever time to do it. I can’t bare the pain or the heartache. I just can’t believe he is gone. You talk about raw consuming grief, which is where I am. I don’t want to get to any kind of recognition or finality because I just can’t face or accept that he’s gone. In my mind he hasn’t. And I know that must sound so strange.
I’m intrigued about these festive twigs though and I’m sure you mum will be delighted that you have them out. I can’t decide if Dad would want us to go ahead with a tree or abandon that and the whole idea of xmas. We always get a real tree, never had a fake one. My Dad always took me and my sister to choose a real tree when we were kids so it’s a tradition we’ve always taken forward and followed. But for me, this xmas really can go to hell. It’s not xmas without Dad for me, it won’t be an xmas that I’ll ever enjoy again. I just don’t think I’ll find enjoyment or happiness in anything ever again xx

Just coming back to say hello to all, and a big hug to @Crunchymum as we're almost at the same point down the line and I feel every word of what you're saying. I'm sorry you're having a bad evening Crunchy. Wish I could do something to help.

I would have been helping Mum out with her Christmas shopping and buying little bits and bobs for her, as she was housebound. The Christmas before last she set me the job of getting hold of a bottle of that glittery gin for my DSis, which had sold out everywhere - she was so delighted when I tracked it down. Now I feel as though I just couldn't care about Christmas ever again, and I used to love everything about it.

I've bought some presents this year for DH and my family, anyway, which is more than I did last year. But it's very much a case of going through the motions.

Thinking of you @Testarossa44 - I hope the drive is OK and you get through the day without being too upset ❤️

Thank you all, dreading tomorrow. Mum is coming with me, as is my sister and her husband. So I'll have company on the drive. Am staying at mum's and it's so hard being here with all his stuff around. Constant reminders everywhere. Feeling so down about it right now.

A hand hold for you tomorrow @Testarossa44 xx

My auntie's funeral is done. But oh my goodness it was so hard. They had done a slide show type thing with pictures of my auntie and the music wind beneath my wings, it was upsetting enough watching it, but when it started showing photos of my dad with my auntie it sent me over the edge, they were lovely lovely images of happy fun times like when she went on holiday with my parents, but oh my goodness it was heart breaking, I hadn't expected it at all and I just sat and sobbed clutching mum's hand, she cried too, as well as my sister. It brought all my sadness about dad right back, felt wrong to be focused on my dad and my pain and loss when it should have been my auntie, but all I could think of was dad.

@Testarossa44 - oh I’m so sorry. It sounds harrowing watching slides with your Dad on. That would have cut me to the core as well and I’d have been the same as you crying for my Dad and thinking more about him. Don’t feel bad about that. Of course you’re sad about your auntie but it’s not comparable to losing your mum or Dad.
Well done forgetting through it though. I know the morning of Dad’s funeral I was a nervous wreck beforehand absolutely dreading it and unsure how I’d get through it but I think the beforehand part was worse than the actual funeral. I felt numb for all of it and like it wasn’t really my dad we were burying. I still can’t believe it and it’s 10 weeks today. I’ve felt tearful all day. I went to my mum’s this morning and we both just still can’t believe Dad isn’t here. I expect you and your mum are exactly the same. The longer it goes on without them, I think the harder it becomes to bear x

Hi everyone I've been watching this thread for a week. My dear mum died on the 12.11.21 on her birthday 7 days after testing positive for covid. We as a family are finding it hard to accept as she was fine 2 days before the test just had a mild fever. I don't think we will ever recover from this and fell normal as mum was the centre of our lives and the glue that held us together. I'm trying to support my siblings as I'm the oldest but find it so hard since I've come back home. When I was staying with them I could visit the graveyard twice a day and it made me feel close to mum but I'm now 200 miles away . I have 4 children and feel like I'm failing them but I've emotionally detached myself from them and my husband. They are worried about me but at this time I can't think about that just about my siblings and father. People say it will get better as time goes on but when the light from your life disappears everything looks and feels bleak, like there is no point to anything anymore. My eyes feel like they're full of tears all the time. I can't share this with my siblings and dad because I'm trying to be strong for them and don't want my children to worry so can't tell them.

@vshah140113 - I am truly sorry for your loss. I’m going through similar but my dear Dad who was the most amazing man in the world. An amazing Dad and husband and grandpa. Everyone on here is going through it, so welcome (as odd as that sounds as none of us want to be on this thread).
My Dad was ten weeks ago today and it was a total shock. Totally unexpected. He was out all day on Thursday 23rd September riding his motorbike with his friends like any normal Thursday and then BANG I got the call from my mum that evening to say Dad has paramedics with him and to go straight over. It sounds like this too with your mum was also unexpected and a shock. I think it’s so much harder as you can’t make sense of it or take it in. I still feel like my Dad is here when I’m at my house as it’s like he’s just at home. I also have young kids under ten. I think it’s our kids who keep us going if you have kids as you have no choice but to keep going and functioning.
And what you said about people saying it gets better is sadly not true. I think it gets harder and harder to bare as you just long to see them more. It aches more for me now than it did the first week. I’d give anything to see my Dad and my poor mum is alone now and struggling to cope. How is your Dad doing?

How’s everyone doing today? I’ve felt really tearful and low today. I always do on a Friday as it was a Friday that it happened. I don’t think I’ll live Friday ever again now, and yet it’s the day of the week people normally look forward to. Not for me.
I keep thinking back to that day before, the night before when I got that call from my mum and I had called in to see my Mum and dad earlier that day. I wish I’d stayed longer and I wish I’d told my Dad how much I loved him. Obviously if I’d told him that randomly when I popped in for a cup of tea he’d have thought something was wrong with me x

[quote LucyintheSky21]@vshah140113 - I am truly sorry for your loss. I’m going through similar but my dear Dad who was the most amazing man in the world. An amazing Dad and husband and grandpa. Everyone on here is going through it, so welcome (as odd as that sounds as none of us want to be on this thread).
My Dad was ten weeks ago today and it was a total shock. Totally unexpected. He was out all day on Thursday 23rd September riding his motorbike with his friends like any normal Thursday and then BANG I got the call from my mum that evening to say Dad has paramedics with him and to go straight over. It sounds like this too with your mum was also unexpected and a shock. I think it’s so much harder as you can’t make sense of it or take it in. I still feel like my Dad is here when I’m at my house as it’s like he’s just at home. I also have young kids under ten. I think it’s our kids who keep us going if you have kids as you have no choice but to keep going and functioning.
And what you said about people saying it gets better is sadly not true. I think it gets harder and harder to bare as you just long to see them more. It aches more for me now than it did the first week. I’d give anything to see my Dad and my poor mum is alone now and struggling to cope. How is your Dad doing?[/quote]
Dads not doing well and it affects him more when it's quiet. He's not sleeping for more than 2/3 hours during the night but does have a 2 hour day time nap when possible. He's lost his companion, my grandmother(paternal) died on 17.9.21 and he hadn't grieved properly for her. My mum was his support system and now he doesn't have that either 😞
My siblings try to stay together with him but there's nothing important to talk about and in the silence we all think about mum.

@vshah140113 - I know your feeling well. Me and my family are going through the same. It’s very hard. Sorry I can’t say anything more positive.