For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@Kitkatchunkyplease - whereabouts are you?

@Saz345 - I know that feeling of wanting to try and do something to feel better but not having the energy or enthusiasm. Yesterday for example I went with a friend to do some xmas shopping, she picked me up and took me after the school run but I felt irritated and angry all day looking at all the other ‘happy’ shoppers. When I got back I attempted to wrap a few things as I thought it might make me feel better but I just couldn’t be bothered to do it so ended up putting the paper etc away. How is your 5 year old (is that your daughter) now? It’s heartbreaking enough when we lose our cats or dogs but also having to explain to the kids. We have 3 cats, don’t know if I have already said that. I love animals but especially cats. One of mine is 19 years old and going strong (I think and hope) and it would be like losing an arm if anything happened to him. But the boys love the cats so much so I can imagine telling your 5 year old was very hard. And 6 years old is no age for a cat to go. Just adds to the shitness of what you’re already going through unfortunately. Is your 5 year old looking forward to the panto tomorrow?
I have no idea what we will do tomorrow. It’s turned so cold. Would you also be interested in a meet up if possible? xx

Thanks so much for thinking of me @Spiritwriter. I hope you're OK. I haven't been on here much but I have been reading. I've been going through a lot of difficult stuff to do with Mum's house and it's very stressful and hard to make decisions.

I can't quite believe I'm coming up to my second Christmas without mum. It's so unbelievable.

@Brillig - sorry that you’ve been going through some stressful things to do with your mum’s house. I hope you’re ok. Can I ask how you got through that first xmas?

Thanks so much for your thoughts @LucyintheSky21. I'm just trying to work through a lot of official stuff which, when it bumps up against the emotional side, seems all wrong and intrusive. I'm sure everyone on here will feel the same sort of thing....total strangers are having a say in what feels like your life and your concerns. And something inside is screaming 'go away! This has nothing to do with you! Just leave me alone!' If that makes any sense.....!

As for what you asked about the first Christmas - well, to be honest, I pretty much blanked it. Mum had died only a couple of months earlier and I was a mess. It didn't help that she loved Christmas, it was always a big thing, and the whole family (albeit it's a small family) always spent it at her house. We made a big deal of it. She lived several hours away and the very long drive with the car loaded with supplies and presents was always part of the ritual and excitement of going. So all that just brutally ended at a single stroke.

I told my family that I just couldn't face Christmas shopping or buy presents. I just couldn't. In the end I crumbled a bit and ordered some - quite expensive - chocolates to be delivered as family presents for them, but that was it. I usually decorate my own house a bit, not much, but I didn't do anything at all. DH and I did have a kind-of Christmas lunch but it was just a very, very quiet day and it didn't 'feel' like Christmas at all in that sense. I just felt a bit dazed all day really. Had a bit of a cry at a few points.

But we don't have DC, it's just the two of us, so I'm conscious it's massively easier for us. My heart goes out to you having to navigate Christmas when you're grieving and you have small children who are understandably excited and so looking forward to it all.

@Brillig - So truly sorry for your loss. I can relate when you say you lost your mum just a few months before xmas as I lost my Dad at the end of September, just 9 weeks ago and in the most unexpected and sudden way. No health issues and not unwell and we all never expected this or saw it coming. It has floored me. I don’t like this life without him. And my two kids miss him so much. I just don’t see life getting any better at all at any point. I’m so glad you have posted. I do know what you mean about having to deal with strangers and the formalities which you busy don’t have the strength to deal nosy when you’re struggling with the emotional side and the shock and the grief. I’ve been helping my mum to sort out financial stuff as my Dad has shares etc and its just awful speaking to people.
I’m so glad you shared that about your first Xmas, thank you and I hope you don’t mind that I asked as it must bring painful memories of it to the surface for you. Like you, we’re a small bit close family and Christmas has always been a really special day, also always at my mum and dad’s house. I love Christmas too but I love it because it’s with my mum and dad and I just want to ignore the day. If I had no kids I’d do what you did last year, sounds a much better way of getting through the day. But my two boys are 7 and 9 so even though they’re devastated about my Dad, they still expect Santa to come, so he has to. But no-one can get their head around what to eat or where. In some ways I think should we keep things the same as with Dad and set a place for him at the table and light a candle. Is that morbid? I just don’t know. I know I’ll cry all day and I’m just not looking forward to it.
How are you coping with things now?

@LucyintheSky21 there are no easy answers, are there? That's the hard thing. If only there were instructions we could all follow for all this! But there aren't, and we all have to muddle through as best we can. I posted an awful lot on here last year and earlier this year, but I've been a bit quieter recently so we haven't really talked much, but I've been reading your posts and send you hugs and a handhold.

All I can say from this point down the line is that it has got a bit easier. I didn't see how it ever would or could, but it has. All the people who say to you, 'give it a year'.....well, they're sort of right. Things do change. You'll never stop missing your mum or dad; you'll never stop feeling devasted at some level, but it very probably won't be the terrible, raw, gut-wrenching grief that made you feel you just couldn't exist in a world that didn't have them in it.

I'm still having counselling and that helps. In some ways it's an outlet because it's when I get the most upset these days - I usually cry and it's a bit of an escape valve. Otherwise, I have occasional episodes of tears and feeling very down, but I can usually get back onto an even keel. I won't say I look forward to the future with boundless optimism because I'm not in that place, and I'm not sure I ever will be, but I'm taking it as a plus that I don't wake up every morning in the depths of despair, as I used to do.

That first Christmas will be hard, I'm so sorry. It's quite a long time ago now but my own dad died the day before Christmas Eve and my mum and I spent that holiday together, just the two of us, in a state of complete frozen disbelief, really.

@Brillig - Again I am so truly sorry also to hear about your dear Dad. And on Christmas Eve as well. I think life is just extremely cruel. No, there are no easy answers. I ask myself ‘why’ every day. Why my Dad? Why not some man down there street who has no family and sees no-one. My Dad had so much to live for and so much he wanted to do. He’s left and we’re all dying without him. That’s how it feels. I have taken in everything you’ve said and I will take all of it on board, so thank you and thank you for the hand hold. I’m glad the counselling is helping you to some degree. It’s not something I’ve ruled out but at the moment I’m just trying to keep busy and functioning, but it’s not easy. Sending a hug and a hand hold your way too xx

I'm sorry @LucyintheSky21, I didn't mean to be preachy and I'm sorry if it came across that way! I feel every bit of your grief in your posts. Your dad sounds like such a lovely man. Of course his loss has left a huge, gaping hole in your life and it will be hard to heal. But he would be so proud of you for keeping going, please be sure of that.

@Brillig - You didn’t sound or come across peachy at all xx

How is everyone today?

@LucyintheSky21

She's doing ok thank you. She made it to the panto in the end, despite being slightly deaf from the ear infection (or you know, selective 5 year old hearing - never can quite tell!)

The mood swings are unreal though...

Yeah it's such a shame. All my childhood cats lived to around 18. Since having our own one was hit by a car at just over a year old and now this one too. Praying that our remaining girl has a few more years yet...

You're right its freezing. I've found it does make for a nice walk though if you want to clear your head a little. Wrap up warm and take on the breeze (or gale force wind).

Currently at home with the 6 month old who is still proper poorly and doesn't know what she wants. Also coming down with it myself I think and a headache that won't shift.

(I also intended to wrap presents but couldn't be bothered in the end)

I would definitely be interested in meeting up, but I think I'm quite far away.

I hope you're day is going ok x

My daughter is 2.5 and she occasionally recites a little list of people she loves. She did it tonight and she didn't say grandma. I showed her some photos and she does remember her but obviously she's not present anymore to her. I'm in a lot of pain this evening.

Sorry to hear that @kittlesticks - if it’s any consolation I’m in a lot of pain most days. You just carry it around with you. At 2.5 your daughter is very young, but she won’t have forgotten and she won’t forget. I was very young when I lost my dad’s mum and I didn’t forget. I’ve learned that you keep the people we love alive by talking about them x

@Saz345 - Did your daughter enjoy the panto? It’s been so cold today, we haven’t been out anywhere. It’s been just another strange and sad day here. Like you, I ventured upstairs with some sellotape and scissors and was going to wrap a few things for xmas but I also couldn’t be bothered so I left it. Even the cats don’t want to go out. I hope your cat lives a long healthy life. Sorry to hear your youngest is still not well, theres so much going about.
I’m actually thinking about going to the cemetery tomorrow to see my Dad, just with DH as he’s working in the morning and coming back for a bit and the man back to work, so I was going to go in the middle. I don’t want my Dad to think no-one has been. A part of me wants to go and a part also doesn’t because I don’t want him to be there. I want him to still be in his house with my mum. But I think I will go tomorrow late morning.
Re meeting up, are you in Scotland? Apologies if I’ve got confused, if not there are you far away from West Yorkshire? I hope your evening is going as good as it can be x

Been an okay day, though had a melt down when top gear came on, it was one of my dad's favourite shows. My partner said I should think happy thoughts about thinking my dad would have liked this or that. I just replied that all I can think at the moment is about what he's missing, and that he should still be here, he still had life to live. Then I just cried. It's just so bloody unfair, there are horrible, evil people out there who deserve to die, not my dad, he was a good honest, loving and generous man.

@Testarossa44 - Oh my God, are you actually me? I could have just this second written your post. Word for word.
That’s exactly the sort of thing my DH says and your response is the same as mine. How can you think happy thoughts like dad would think this or dad would have liked that etc when Dad should be still bloody here. Your dad sounds like mine and it makes me cry. He was the kindest most generous man and he was always helping others or doing things to help people. He was always doing jobs for me in my house or working on someone’s car or motorbike. He could do anything. And like you say, they were taken too soon, too young and it wasn’t their time. It’s so raw and I’m still in shock. You sound like you’re at a similar stage to me with your feelings. Your post mirrors my feelings totally. I don’t know about you, but I find I’m a bit snappy with my DH. And it’s not because he’s not supportive, it’s just certain things he says irritate me. Like for example, I do feel very angry most days. I’m so angry that my Dad has been taken. So yes, most days I’m a bit snappy or flippant or clearly irritated with life because of what’s happened and he will say to me ‘is something wrong?’ And I just look at him like is he being serious. And then he will say ‘I know that obviously’. So it’s like, well why say anything at all. He should know i’m pissed off and fed up.
I too think to myself there’s so many bad people out there who commit crimes and do terrible things and yet they’ll live a long life when my Dad (and yours) were taken before their time and should still be here. Or even a man down the road who sees or has no family but won’t be huge loss to anyone. I just hate this new life. Mum came for tea tonight like she does every night and it’s just so wrong. It’s wrong that she’s not at hone with my dad. I hate this x

On my recent birthday I had many messages from people telling me to focus on the happy memories. I know they are well meaning but I thought oh sod off, no, I need to focus now on how furious I am that my mum died so young and so suddenly and that I should have her with me.

@kittlesticks

My daughter is 2.5 and she occasionally recites a little list of people she loves. She did it tonight and she didn't say grandma. I showed her some photos and she does remember her but obviously she's not present anymore to her. I'm in a lot of pain this evening.

Sorry. It's the small things that kick you in the stomach.

@Kitkatchunkyplease - it’s hard to focus on the hall things or the happy memories. I’m in bed but have just been sobbing into my pillow. I bottle it up and busy myself for days and then I just crash. All I can think about is my Dad won’t be coming to Brimham Rocks with us next summer again or coming to see us on holiday where we go each year where he and mu mum always come spend a day with us. I feel furious too. So angry and so deeply heartbroken x

Ah we went to Brimham rocks with my mum when my dd was about 8 months old. Mum was so proud, pushing her in the pram. Then I turned round and she was feeding her a magnum This from the woman who never let me and my brother have chocolate when we were children!

@Testarossa44 agree with the 'they wouldn't want you to be sad comments ' people are honestly clueless and how lucky for them.

@LucyintheSky21 he sounds like my kind of man there's always room for
Chocolate! Oh gosh your sister sounds like she has some issues of her own like you say a lot of regret that she won't be able to do anything about but it's such a shame as she still has her sister and mum there's so much good she could still have with you both. What a shame.

I just rang my 88 year old nan (dads mum) she thinks he's golden boy and is suffering abit with repeating herself etc she mentioned dad and am I not talking to him and I just said no not at the moment nan he's really hurt me he's just replaced mum blah blah and I just burst into tears and she did to I appreciate it's hard for her he's her son and she would rather see him 'ok/happy?!' Than depressing and grieving deeply . I didn't want him to be alone for potentially another 30 years but 6 months was just a piss take. My nan has 3 sons and had 3 DIL's my dad literally lives across the road from her and the other sons live 2 miles away so all very close my mum did so so so much for her none of the others did fuck all including my dad he's stepped up abit since mum died but nan always says mum wasn't a DIL to her she was a daughter we had a good cry together I feel better for it

Hi all, I hope everyone is ok today. I decided to go to the cemetery today where my Dad is buried. I went just with DH while the kids were at school, my DH was home from work late morning for a couple of hours so decided we’d go. Dad was covered in snow. I’d like to say I know how I felt going, but I don’t really. I stood and spoke to my Dad and I wanted to be there because I know that’s where he is but I’d also say I stood there in disbelief really that I’m actually stood in a cemetery talking to my Dad. I think with it being unexpected and sudden and such a shock that I still can’t believe it’s real. The kids want to go on Xmas day but I noticed visiting hours on a sign and they don’t open on Saturday’s so it looks like we will have to go Xmas eve instead.
@Kitkatchunkyplease - we love Brimham rocks. The last couple of times I think we went with my mum and dad and my dad did so much climbing with both my boys and then we had tea at a nice pub on the way home, a pub my Dad loved. I don’t think I will ever be able to go back. Do you live far from there? It’s nearly an hour for us.

@mrssunshinexxx - How are you doing? You’re right about my sister, she has a lot of issues but her regret of moving house and also not coming over enough to see my mum and dad is all her own doing. I would really have thought that something like this would have brought us closer as sister’s but sadly not. I don’t actually think we will speak again.
As for your Nan, because she’s your Dad’s mum she will think he’s golden boy. Mother’s usually do. And I say that from the point of view that I know my DH’s mum always thinks DH is perfect. You know what they say about mum’s and their son’s. You’re right that she won’t want to see her son grieving but I agree with you on it totally that after such a short time what he’s done is unforgivable and if it wa any dad I don’t think I could ever forgive that. I’m glad you had a good cry and talk with your Nan (I don’t mean that as in I’m glad you felt so sad that you cried). I meant I’m glad because you said you felt better for it. I think I bottle it up a lot of the time xx

Hugs @LucyintheSky21 is your husband supportive ? do you feel like you can sob with him / on him?
So strange to hear you mention Brimham rocks it's so near me and mum Took us every summer to pick bilberries and she would make the nicest pies with marzipan.

It's so sad things are like this with your sister I agree it could be so different and better but you need to look after yourself and it sounds as though she is very up and down. I feel the same this could of made me and dad have a really positive relationship but no x

@mrssunshinexxx - Thank you and sending hugs to you too. Yes my husband is very supportive and understanding, he was good friends with my Dad too. They both were into motorbikes and used to ride together. I can cry in front of him and I do, but I think I bottle it a lot. I cried in bed last night and ended up crying myself to sleep but this morning I looked like a panda this morning with puffy eyelids. It’s funny you mention bilberries because my mum and dad used to take me and my sister as kids and she used to make pies. My two boys like Brimham rocks for the climbing now. We’re in Leeds so it takes us about 45 mins to get there. Maybe 40 mins drive. We really have to plan a meet up, if you want to that is. My sister has a lot of unfounded jealousy to be honest. She used to be funny and off with me before my Dad passed. She would be funny if I went out with my mum and dad and my kids. I think she regretted moving and has been trying ever since to move back. She has form for cutting me off and not speaking for 6 months at a time but honestly this is low even for her. It’s a time to come together. And I agree about your dad, should be bringing you closer. I can never understand when people move on so soon after. I really do feel for you with your Dad and it’s worse than it is for me with my sister really because it’s your dad and you should be going through it together xx

@LucyintheSky21 that's really good you can be open with your husband and good that they were close as he will genuinely be grieving for what you have both lost. My husband the same he was really close with my mum they had a lot in common he was closer to her than his own mum the day she died was the first time in 7 years I ever saw him cry. It's hit him hard and he brings her up most days which I'm so thankful for I like her name to be spoken in our house. He's extremely angry with my dad for hurting me when I'm already broken I dread the day they come face to face. Yes let's meet up next year and see if there's anyone else who wants to.
Your sister sounds super jealous and regretful which I can totally understand but the way she's just making it worse baffles me surely she's going to feel alot worse if she stays no contact with both you and your mum forever that's her only family on her side ?!