For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

What an awful lot of sadness @Testarossa44 it's not harsh I totally get it you need to be selfish sometimes and thus is one of those times

@Testarossa44 - The shock for me hasn’t worn off but I think it will be a gradual thing that month by morning slowly you just realise that person isn’t coming back. Your post sounds like me, I can’t cope when I think that I won’t see my Dad or speak to him again. I always remember and torture myself with my dad’s last few hours with me and my mum and sister around the bedside in the hospital and how my mum was stroking his head saying she would see him on the other side etc.. so agonising. I can’t seem to get my head around what’s happened or why it’s happened. The ‘why’ is the hardest part for me. Why did my Dad spend his last day on the Thursday out all day with friends and I called in that morning for a cup of tea and that night he has a massive heart attack and the next day gone. Just like that. I can’t make sense of it in my head. This is the part I’m struggling with. It’s like I can’t rationalise it.
Reading your post is like me though, al I am doing is functioning and getting all the things bought for xmas for the kids that need buying etc so basically keeping busy but all I want to do is sit on the sofa and watch tv and zone out and block out the outside world. Mum is still my priority and making sure she is ok but that’s the hardest bit for me too, knowing she’s on her own. She’s so desperately sad and lost and lonely without him.

@Ttc42nearly43 - How are you doing? Like you, it’s the shock of how sudden and unexpectedly that it’s happened. I can’t get over the shock of it. It just doesn’t feel real, I can’t explain it. It’s interesting what you say about your mind protecting you. I think that’s very true because I go from desperately low to angry to numb, and round again. The funeral I was numb for the whole thing, it wasn’t even like my Dad’s funeral. Did you all decide on the headstone and the wiring together? Mum said we will have to do this probably Feb time so it can be made and ready to go down May or June ish time. Did you have a little ceremony or a service when the stone went down? I don’t think I could face this again but my mum said we will be doing this like we did when we had the funeral. I hadn’t thought of whether my Dad feels cold but I understand you thinking that. Do you go to the cemetery yet? My Dad only believed in being buried and I know it’s so personal but I would also prefer that way. I wear my locket every day with the lock of my dad’s hair inside it so I feel Dad is close to me. It’s not the same though of course. We have only been to where my dad was buried once and it was two days after he was buried but it was one of those awful days where it felt like it was something we wanted to do to go but it was too soon. It made us all distraught. We plan to go xmas day.
I forgot to mention, on the day my dad was buried at the funeral my son (the oldest one who is only 9) he stepped forward and dropped a very tiny plane in with my Dad but didn’t tell anyone until after. He loves planes and he and my dad always used to build them together, model planes. My little boy have always wanted to be a pilot. So he sneaked one tiny plane in his pocket for the funeral and then secretly dropped it in with Dad.

@LucyintheSky21 I feel the same . My mum was texting me 2pm totally fine 6pm gone in hospital after losing speech throwing up all over the floor and couldn't lift her arms or legs 😭 fought for her life all night 6.45am phone call to say she's dead I'll never forget it . 33 weeks pregnant dropped to the floor and threw up all over myself . I will miss her for the rest of my life.
We had on the headstone her name then ' the most wonderful mum, wife, Grandma and friend. One of those rare people who lit up the world'
I can't even type a reply on here without sobbbing and sobbing is it going to feel this bad forever

@mrssunshinexxx - Same here. Exactly the same. I’ve just read your post and it’s made me cry. I know exactly how you feel, you feel the same as me. Reading your post reminds me of how it happened with Dad. Thursday morning I nipped round on my way to Sainsbury’s to do the food shopping. Just casually popped in to see my mum and dad for half an hour, quick cup of tea. Dad was there totally fine. He was going out with his friends later and he did. He even came home and had fish and chips for tea. He got home around 7.30pm and put his motorbike away in the garage, totally fine, mum had got them fish and chips as he was back later than usual then he starts with chest pains later and my mum calls me at around 10.30pm to say I’d better get there as she thinks Dad has had a heart attack and she’s got paramedics there round my Dad. I threw my pj’s off and any old clothes on that I could see and went straight round. I watched my Dad taken out of the house on a stretcher and put into the ambulance. He’s been riding his motorbike with his friends just hours before. Someone please explain this to me. How can this be? The next day, on the Friday I’m sat around his beside at the hospital at 3.19pm with my mum and sister and we have to say goodbye because we’re told his heart attack was a bad one and he’d gone into cardiac arrest and he was ‘trying to die’. The consultant said those words and I’ll never forget them. It’s shock and denial because I don’t want any of this to be true. We were so close to my Dad, like you with your mum. My mum’s heart is breaking every day without my dad. People say it gets easier but it’s not. It’s getting harder by the day. I long to see my dad and talk to him. Like you, I’ll never forget that day and the night I got the call from my mum. Even then when I knew he’d had a heart attack I believed he’d be ok. He has so much he wanted to do, so many friends, a wife who adores him and daughters and Grandkids. I too will miss my dad until the day I die. I just hope and pray that we are all together on the other side.
I cry as I wrote this. Everyone around me talking about xmas and how excited they are and I wish it would stop and we could freeze time. I hope my Dad knows how much I loved him and my two boys loved him. I hope he knows how much we miss him.
What are you planning for xmas? If I had no kids I’d treat it as a normal day, watch the tv all day and eat egg and chips or something simple and crap. No effort or care because what’s the point.
Little things hurt me. Like the ‘mum and dad’ xmas cards in the shops staring out at you. The tins of chocs for xmas that my dad was always first to open later on during xmas day, he’s even the first to open the tins of Roses etc and tuck in and pass them round. I haven’t even bought a tin yet. Don’t know whether to.
I want to go to the cemetery on xmas day but equally I don’t know how I’ll feel when I’m there. I wish someone would make this go away. I wish someone could bring back all of our mum’s and dad’s lost on this post. And I’m so glad we have each other because I really feel in real life that no one gets it. I’ve said it before but if it was possible I’d say let’s organise a coffee meet up for all of us on here who wanted that. To meet up and share and talk because we’re all going through the same and we could all support each other much better. I am by the way happy to try arrange that but would need to know where everyone is located first to see if it would work. I’m in West Yorkshire in Leeds. Sending everyone a hand hold today. We woke up to snow today and my kids would have gone sledging with my Dad. It’s all these things.

Hi all, how are you doing today?

I've had the crappest week. Braved town a few days ago. It's a trip that Mum would have usually accompanied me (and obviously hadn't been able to for ages due to covid etc). We'd have had coffee breaks/lunch and bought the kids presents etc. She'd have then come back to ours for dinner or a takeaway or something.

Sounds a silly trigger but I felt so lonely in that moment knowing that would never happen again.

Also have had both kids at home poorly with colds/coughs, wake up times for the day generally between 2am/4am and couldn't go anywhere to get the house for a while as was awaiting a stupid covid test result. (it was negative although she does now have an ear infection - cue no stop screaming for 2 nights straight)

And to top it all off, I lost my cat after finding a cancerous growth in her intestines.

So yeah - could have been better.

Incidentally, I got a lovely letter from I assume the council inviting me a memorial evening in December. It included a sparkly star tag to write a message on and hang on the tree in the remembrance garden.

Thing is it's at the building that is in the grounds of the crematorium (where they often do wake functions) and I'm just not sure I want to drive up that road up to the building when the last time I was following mums coffin for the last time. If that makes sense?

I hope everyone is holding up ok today xx

@LucyintheSky21 I can feel your pain too. I'm so sorry it's totally unbelievable when they were acting so normal right up until they weren't ?! My mum was seriously fit and healthy too .. didn't drink, smoke, she ran and was vegetarian I just don't get it . She was a total powerhouse of a woman I owe her everything. Sadly things have got a lot worse for me my parents were married for 40 years but 4 months after she died dad was on dating sites and 6 months after she died he had met someone it got serious fast and he moved her into mums house so now I can't even go there and sit amongst mums things cos they've all gone. I am NC with my dad but he continues to send card signed off from him and his new woman even tho I have quite strongly told him not to do that. I'm quite sure we won't have a relationship again when I think back we always got along but I never visited to see dad it was always about mum for me there wasn't a day in my adult life we didn't touch base whether that be a late night text to say 'you ok' or a long walk and a cafe lunch just the Two of us at the weekend.
That made me smile my mum absolute fave was egg and chips even when we went to the pub that's what she asked for with white bread and butter ❤️
Omg I live in skipton ?!

Also .. buy the roses and eat the bloody lot for him

@Saz345 it's not a silly trigger or if it is I have many silly triggers they are just everywhere aren't they. Sending lots of love to you very difficult week and losing your beloved cat I can tell he/she had a happy home which I hope brings you comfort

I've just had look through the posts from the last few days and can resonate with so much that's been said.

For me I think the 'shock' has worn off, but I'm still so angry about it all. Thing is I don't even know who I'm angry at. The hospital for ridiculous wait times etc? Myself for not seeing symptoms sooner? Or for not being there for her as much as should have been in those last few weeks? Would it have made a difference?

I'm also wishing I had somewhere to go to think about her. She was cremated and wished to be scattered in Scotland. It breaks my heart thinking of her currently as nothing but a box of dust. Also that she is just 'gone'.

@Saz345 - How are you doing today? I feel really low and depressed today. I do every day but today feel like I’ve no motivation. Taking the boys to the cinema this afternoon as I thought they deserved a treat but I’ll just sit there looking at the screen thinking about my Dad. My week has been crap too. I ventured out twice to do some Xmas shopping. Once with a friend and once with my mum but when with my mum we just walked around feeling lost and in despair over dad not being here for xmas. I’m just so hurt for me but I’m so crushed for my Kim. She has her tea with us still every night but as soon as she goes home it’s awful for her. My oldest son still stays on a night but it’s not the same. We can’t believe he’s not here. I must sound like a stuck record. I keep saying that one like to my Husband and he doesn’t know to say, he can’t believe it either. If I didn’t have my kids I’m sure I’d be in a much worse place. It’s like the world is carrying on but it shouldn’t.
So truly sorry about your cat and that I can relate to. We have 3. Tom Frank and Mikey. My oldest is 19 years old, and I lost one in 2015 to cancer. We were doing everything to make him better and he was waiting to have an operation to remove the tumour but he died in his sleep and it floored me. I’m so sorry, what a shit time for that to happen as well as cats are our family. I love mine like my kids.
Having somewhere to go sit and talk to your mum or dad, I like that you get that with a burial but that said we have only been once to see where dad is and it was too soon and too raw and we all wanted to die when we had been. What are your plans today. Sending you a hand hold xx

@mrssunshinexxx - you will know my pain and i yours due to how sudden and unexpected it was. My dad did smoke, he enjoyed a cigarette but he was a healthy fit and slim man and very active and busy. No health conditions and never poorly. He was always in good spirits and so many friends. Like your mum, my dad liked his egg and chips too. I’m so sorry about your dad. That must be heart wrenching for you. My mum and dad were married 47 years and id be heart broken if my mum met anyone else. I know she won’t as he was the love of her life. I’m not making any excuse for your dad as there are none and I’d find that unforgivable too but do you think he did that as his way to cope? Like you with your dad my sister has chosen to go no contact with me. She’s barely talking to anyone. I haven’t spoken to my sister since the night of the funeral and she’s two hours drive away.
Oh my, you’re only in Skipton. Yes I know it. My dad used to go to Skipton with my mum. Do you drive? I’d actually love to meet up with you and anyone else on here that would like to. We’re all in the same dreadful boat. Sending you a hand hold as well xx

I haven't been back to the cemetery since we buried dad's ashes. Though I'm starting to think I want too. Mum doesn't want to go until the stone is down, its been ordered but the stone masons ate waiting on supplies.
We lost our family fur baby in June, Mack was 14, and a dog full of character. So I know how that feels too.

@LucyintheSky21 I am not too far from Skipton either.

@Kitkatchunkyplease - That’s great, I’m actually in Leeds and @mrssunshinexxx is in Skipton which isn’t too far away. Can I ask whereabouts you are? Would you also be interested in a meet up? xx

@Testarossa44 - my mum is the same and doesn’t want to go to see Dad until there’s a stone down but I want to go on xmas day and I think mum might come with us for that. It’s a difficult one. I feel like I want to go so that I’m close to sad and so I can talk to him but I also don’t want to go because then I know my dad’s there under the ground and it’s just so hard to face. Even though I know he is, I haven’t accepted that he is if that makes sense. Sorry to hear about Mack, it’s heartbreaking when we lose them.
Whereabouts are you @Testarossa44 if you don’t mind me asking?

@LucyintheSky21

I'm ok thanks. Just feeling 'meh'. Seem to be stuck at wanting to do things to try and feel better but not finding the energy (or enthusiasm) I lost it a bit on Thursday though. Think I'd just had enough with everything. Also probably mixed with a bit of cabin fever having been stuck in the house for 3 days with grumpy shouty kids and a snappy husband...

We have (had) two cats, and she was only just over 6 years old. We took her to the vets due to what we thought were some simple constipation issues, and then she didn't come home from the investigation procedure (where she took a turn for the worst whilst sedated)

Having to tell your 5 year old that she was really poorly and the vet couldn't make her better was a quite stark reminder of a few months back. (also had to discuss more in depth about what 'poorly' is given she's currently not well herself and didn't want to go to the doctor)

I'm sorry you're feeling low today. You don't sound like a broken record at all, it's just how it feels. It'll be nice for your boys to go to the cinema. I know what you mean about not really watching it though. I've only just started to be able to follow a bit of a tv programme here and there, usually I'm just zoned out of it the entire time.

No real plans today, my husband and MIL are going to the panto with my 5 year old tomorrow so will be just me and the youngest. (provided she's well enough - I'm on the fence at present) I need to go out and buy some shoes for her angel costume for the nativity so I guess I'll do that.

Feeling lonely truth be told, although I have no reason to be.

@Testarossa44 I'm sorry you lost your fur baby too. It's all just a bit shit isn't it.

I hope it helps when you do feel ready to go to the cemetery. I'm not sure if finding somewhere to go will help me or not, but at the moment I just feel like she's gone and been forgotten amongst daily life as no-one really talks about her. I'm not saying I want to sit and have an in depth conversation about her life or anything, but it would be nice not to have awkward silences whenever her name is mentioned.

@Kitkatchunkyplease it's me in skipton where abouts are you? X

@Testarossa44 I haven't been either it makes me feel guilty but I literally think of her constantly and know she wouldn't want me weeping by a headstone, she wouldn't want me weeping anywhere but that's just the way it's gunna be.

@LucyintheSky21 where abouts in leeds are you ? Yes I drive but not at the mo as had a caesarean 2 weeks ago. Yes I would be up for meeting for sure. X
Your mum and dad sound like they were very happy I think it's lovely you have your mum for tea and your son stays with her it must help her enormously. You feel guilty becayse you are a good person but you are doing so much for her at a time you are hurting to the extreme as well. Does your sister see your mum ? Was she close to your dad ? I have 2 sisters but things are complex one of them didn't speak to mum or dad for the last 4 years (long story) it's all a big mess. I think my dad cannot be alone I also think he is the most selfish person I've ever met he always was but when we had mum who gave us 1000% of her love and affection it kind of blanked out dads crap qualities. I feel he leaned on me too much when everyone knows me and mum had a very special bond she had me 10 years after my sister so we had something really special she had more time , patience and experience as a mum. Dad knew what I had lost he knew I was due a baby any day but men don't even get how big of a deal that is. He nearly ripped my marriage apart I would stay with him for days when I wanted to be at home with my husband and preparing for my newborn arriving soon as I would leave he would be ringing my crying . Me and my sister cleaned and cooked for him for months did his food shopping sorted the funeral all the admin arranged friends to go for walks with him every day so he had company. then BAM all of a sudden the tears stop and he wants To date. I find it so so so beyond disrespectful he was flouncing around with this woman before my mum was even laid to rest. It sounds callous but I don't miss him I just want him to stop sending me cards signed on from both of them it makes me feel actually ill to see another woman's name where my beloved mums should be. X

@LucyintheSky21, I’d be happy to meet up at some point. Had a video chat with my mum this afternoon, it was nice to ‘see’ her, even if we couldn’t hug. I need to do more video calls with her.
I understand what you all mean about having no motivation or enthusiasm for doing things. I’m having to make myself do things, just feels such an effort. People have said to me that your dad wouldn’t want you to cry, be sad, sit around moping. I know they mean well, but I just want to tell them to shut up, it’s so much more intense than feeling sad, it’s far beyond what anyone else can understand unless they’ve experienced it themselves.

Hi everyone

I’ve just come out of the cinema so I just wanted to say that my phone battery is low so I’m going to charge it all then will reply to everyone. The film was ok but I say there in tears towards the end of it. Luckily it’s in the dark so it was ok but I just feel so flat and deflated with life. This is not a life I want, without my Dad. I miss him so much and that’s all I could think through the film. Will respond to everyone soon xx

Hi again everyone, how’s everyone’s evening going? I didn’t enjoy the cinema, I’m just feeling so fed up and deflated with life. All I could think about was my Dad. The boys enjoyed it though so I guess that’s a good thing.
@Testarossa44 - How was your video call with your mum? I’m round at my mums now as we’re all getting a takeaway. Something we have always done on a Saturday evening but not at all the same without Dad. I don’t enjoy it at all. I’d love to meet with you and with anyone else on here who can (distance wise) and who would like to. I’m in Leeds. If anyone knows it, I’m not far from Roundhay Park. About a five minute drive. If anyone wants to arrange a meet let’s do it. Any one of you I’d be happy to meet and I hope we can do that. I don’t have any friends in real life who understands what I’m going through as none have lost a parent. They’ve lost grandparents but it’s not the same as losing a parent. If anyone wants to private message me I’m more than happy as well to give my real name and also my number. Might sound strange but we’ve all got to know each other on here and we’re all going through the same. We’re all being a tremendous support to each other and that means a lot to me. If anyone fancies a chat over the phone instead of just on here please just say as I am happy for that xx
I know what you mean when people say your dad wouldn’t want you to cry or bed sad. Not helpful when you feel as raw or lost as we all so. How can we be anything but sad. You’re right that I’d people haven’t been through it, they don’t get it at all and until they do go through it, they haven’t a clue.
@mrssunshinexxx - I really feel for you with what you’re having with your dad. That must make this so hard for you especially with cards and things from your dad and another woman. It’s a shame as you could really do with the support and care from your dad. I really do feel for you. As regards the family nightmare you mention, and a complex situation - I have that going on too. I’ll message tonight more about that as we’re just sorting out food and who wants what. My sister is older than me by a bit and she has always been a big part of my mum and dads lives and mine. She lives away about 6 years ago although she’s never been happy there. Two hours drive away, she didn’t need to move or want to buy her partner did and I think she’s always resented me that me ans my kids saw so much of my mum and dad. We’ve always been very close and saw mum and dad every weekend. She used to be the same until she moved but it was her choice. She seems to have real regret and anger that we always saw so much of them and even now she won’t speak to my mum because she’s seeing and spending time with us. It’s all jealousy and regret on her side but it’s causing great issues. She text me the morning after my dads funeral and said she is cutting contact with me and my children forever and she won’t speak to mum unless she cuts us out. Will message more later xx

@LucyintheSky21 that terrible behaviour from your sister, I'm sorry you're not getting any support from her. I didn't speak to my sister for 6 years, but thats all been forgotten since we lost dad. The night he died she was already at mum's when I got there, and she opened the door and threw her arms round me. I couldn't have managed without her.
The video call was nice, we chatted about all sorts. We speak on the phone twice a day, but it was nice to actually see her.

Hi all,
I am here and sending love.
@Brillig I completely know what you mean and I send you so so so much love. Your mum is all around you and within you XXX always X

@Testarossa44 - I bet it was nice to see and speak to your mum. How far away are you from her? It is terrible behaviour from my sister, even I am surprised at her. Over the years she has cut me off and not spoken for months at a time and then she’s contacted me, it’s always been over petty things. When our dad was rushed into hospital that night after the heart attack, me and my mum rang mu sister until we got through and she came over. Obviously I was there at mums first as she had a two hour drive and when dad passed the 3 of us were together in the hospital all crying together and holding dad’s hand and my sister hugged me too and said she’d be the one to take care of the 3 of us now as she’s always been the stronger one. She said she was sorry for all the times we’d not spoken over petty things and then bang, the morning after dad’s funeral when you feel lost and depressed as it is and in shock from the day before she messaged me on the train as she went home then for a few days and it was a long message telling me I had been too involved in mum and dads lives and she had missed out and so had her kids etc etc and she’s blocked me and not spoken since. So I feel like I have lost a sister too. I wish I had what you have mentioned with your sister, I bet it has brought the two of you closer xx

I'm 75 miles away from mum and I'm feeling every 1of those miles right now.. it takes me about 1hr 20mins to drive. My sister lives 10 mins away. It's just so bloody hard being far away from her.

@Testarossa44 - My sister is about 75 miles from my mum too. I say a two hour drive but it’s more an hour and 20 or 30 mins, can be two hours on a bad day with lots of traffic. And I’m about 5-10 mins away from my mum. So similar situation as in I’m closer distance-wise but my sister ever since she moved further away from us all has held a massive grudge that we have always called in on my mum and dad. Because I would call in and pop in when passing for a cup of tea or just to say hello a couple of times a week and we’ve always spent weekends together. Not all weekend but usually a Saturday or Saturday eve for a meal or takeaway. I think my sister feels she has missed out and I don’t know if it’s guilt or jealousy over the closeness I had with both our parents and also probably jealousy of how close my two boys were with my Dad but I can only assume it’s down to all of this that she wants no contact. She has kids, more than me and they haven’t seen much of my mum and dad in recent years, but largely that’s because my sister never could be bothered to drive over or we’d arrange to all go to hers and most often she’d cancel. We saw less and less of her gradually after she moved. But I really thought we’d come together and support each other and our mum. Instead my sister fell out with me the day after the funeral and then a few times she’s spoken to my mum and she’s got angry with my mum if she’s said that I’m round there or one of my son’s is there. She slams the phone down in a jealous childish rage. She’s 43. So I think it’s outrageous how she’s treated us both, but especially my poor mum.
It’s great that you have a close relationship with both your mum and sister and you’re supporting each other, even though you’re not as neat as your sister you’re on the phone or video calling twice a day and you’re all coming together. I wish I had that xx

@mrssunshinexxx - I’ve still not bought those tins of Roses or Quality Street. I know what you mean when you say eat them for him, that made me smile. The funny thing is that after xmas dinner Dad would always say how over full he was and we’d move into the lounge after dinner and find something to watch and the boys would be doing something with my dad like building or making something with lego or whatever they’d got for xmas and my Dad would pick up the tin of chocs. He’d be so full from dinner but not too full for a handful of Roses chocs or Celebrations.