For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@Ttc42nearly43 - I think you have a good plan for your mum’s bday. When my Nan died 4 and a half years ago and I was very close to her, she was like a second mum to me. Ever since, I have always gone to the cemetery where she was laid to rest. She was buried like my Dad, not cremated so I have somewhere where I can go and sit and talk to my nan for as long as I like. But every birthday I go sit there and on the anniversary of her death and xmas eve we go every year and other times too when I feel I just want to go sit and talk to her. We plan to go to the cemetery to sit with my dad and talk to him on xmas day either in the morning or after dinner. And I was also thinking about taking a candle. I think it’ll be a long time before you or any of us can celebrate our mum’s or dad’s birthdays. My Dad’s is early Feb so not long really and I know we won’t be able to celebrate it as it’ll be too painful. Maybe eventually down the line when/if we’re all in a better place we might feel up to celebrating their birthdays. At the moment and for a long time I suspect we will all feel like we have nothing to celebrate.
As for the afterlife, I’m not religious either but I do believe we all unite and go to heaven and are eventually with the ones we have lost on the other side. I believe my Dad is now with his mum and his dad, he lost his own dad when hw was 9. He also lost his dear best friend when his friend was only in his early 30’s or no older than 35. I believe I’ll see my Dad again on the other side. It hurts to think anything else. I have always believed that.
How do you feel the counselling is going?
It is interesting what you said about how your mum would have felt if you had gone first. I think yes you did spare her of that, because no parent ever expects that their child will go before them. I have two boys and you just expect that you’ll go first, of course none of us know that. It’s a hard one to offer me any comfort because I think my mum and dad would have coped together, obviously it would have been horrible for them to lose a daughter but they’d have had each other and my Dad was quite a strong man. They’d have coped. I feel my Dad was only 74 and had so much to live for and so much he wanted to do. My mum really does have no life without him now, she sees me and my kids and her good friend and sister but it’s not a life she cares for in any way. She just wants my dad and she won’t ever get over that. Me and my sister (although not speaking) have lost the most amazing Dad and the grandkids are never going to get over it, plus my dad had hobbies and so many friends. More friends than even me or my mum pr sister. I think he’d have coped better than all of us. That might be a surprising response. I just wish he was still here. x

@mrssunshinexxx

Oh my goodness your poor mum and your gran and sibling. That must have been horrendous to cope with. I lost my cousin when he was just 18 in a car accident years ago it changed my uncle (dad's brother) forever he didn't keep well after that and died of a heart attack in his 60's. I suppose we did spare our parent that grief. My dad still can't believe that mum is gone we are all still a bit like that. Dad is 10 years older and he said that mum used to say to him that he'd be gone long before she would be. He never thought he'd survive mum and have to cope with her death.

Enjoy your wee baby treasure her and hug and kiss her and teach her everything that your mum taught you. I understand your sadness tho. I feel sad for my children that they no longer have their granny anymore. My mum loved the bones of them and they will miss out on this love where as my sister's children are adults young adults but mum helped raise them when she was well before she went into care. I feel envious of them on behalf of my children as they never had that part of their granny and now they have no granny at all it's such a shame for them.

My counselllor said that of course we should celebrate mum's birthday as this is a celebration of her life because if mum was never born then neither would I be or my children. I get that but am not in a place where celebrations even comes into the equation it will likely be many years to come before am in that place or maybe never. People talk about happy memories but all I see is mum dying I can't see past that. Is anyone else like that? Apparently you will eventually or so am told maybe went am older myself who know. I have memories good ones of mum but they are all darkened with sadness because she is gone.

@LucyintheSky21

I think the symbolism of the candle is similar to the church leaflet I got through the door yesterday shining a light through the darkness. I thought to buy a lantern and take mum's candle from the church to her graveside. Maybe you guys could do the same after Christmas dinner if you wanted too. I just imagine the candle still burning after I have left just to let mum know that am with her on her birthday xx

@Ttc42nearly43 - Yes, I think that’s a lovely lovely idea. That’s what I want to do on xmas day now. So I need a lantern that I can put a candle inside. Thanks for the idea xx

Hi everyone,

Sorry haven't been around much again. With only being able to use this site on the laptop I only really have when baby is napping or evenings - in which neither child seems to be a fan of sleep right now. Bloody exhausted.

May try and replace my phone in the Black Friday sale or something. (although still really can't be bothered, I know I'll feel worse if it gives up before I replace it as will be harder to transfer messages etc.)

Anyway, I hope you're all holding up as well as you can.

@mrssunshinexxx I can appreciate what you say about your baby not knowing your Mum. My youngest was about 9 weeks old when she died, so although they did meet (which I am eternally grateful for) she will never remember her.

I not too sure how much my 5 year old will remember if I'm being honest, but she does still talk about her for now (sometimes) so I hope she remembers something at least.

@Ttc42nearly43 death changes people forever and even more so the more tragic the circumstances. I've been thinking more about your counsellor question and I don't know I would survive if my children died before me it's just not the way it should go I hope they lose me when I'm an old old lady and I've loved them their whole lives.

It's the worst part for me when I let my mind really contemplate the fact I don't even have a photo with her and them not even one cuddle. I'm sobbing even typing this I don't know how I'll ever be ok again. Of course I love my children and they bring me such happiness but she has left the biggest void

@Saz345 it's brutal isn't it ? Sadly they are unlikely to remember that young which is gutting

I had a counselling session today and I was telling the counsellor that I often think how my mum would have coped had I died instead of her. I think that she would have been like me absolutely distraught. What the counsellor said gave me something to think about that I wanted to share with everyone. She said to me that one of us had to go before the other and that maybe it was kinder for me to carry that burden instead of my mum and that I had spared her having to cope with loosing me first. What does everyone think of that? Am not sure if it's comforting or not as my mum was only 66 so although I spared her the pain of coping with my death I know that my mum also wanted to live so am in a bit of a turmoil about that comment. Any thoughts?

For all the hurt and pain and grief and sadness, I know mum had to go first.

It was too soon, she was 65.

I'd crawl across broken glass to have just another minute with her, I cannot stand to live in a world without her but I find some small comfort that this was the circle of life. I feel cheated that we didn't get more time but I know she'd have never wanted to have outlived any of her children. And she'd not want to have outlived my dad either.

It was the order she would have wanted.

Can't find who said it but someone said how their mum would always say that her husband wound die first and she was going to have some peace and quiet .. my mum used to always say the same ' I'm atleast having a few years without your dads moaning ' wish it had worked out that way. Still can't wrap my head around the fact my dad had moved another woman in less than6 months after she died following a 40 year marriage. It's the biggest disrespect in my eyes. I can't ever imagine having a relationship with him again his actions have broken my already shattered heart into a million more pieces

@mrssunshinexxx that must be such a hard situation to know how to handle. Do you think he's done it as he can't bear to be alone?
Spoke to my mum this morning, as I always do now. She said she had a big cry over dad this morning, some random poem on Facebook set her of. It broke my heart to know she was sat sobbing all alone. I let my sister know and she said she'd call in at some point today to check if she was okay. I hate being so far away.

@Testarossa44 I don't know the reason but he Almost broke my marriage up in the early days and leaned on me so heavily when I was a new mum without my mum I don't think I'll ever want a relationship with him again. Everything gone in the house that was ever mums it's just heartbreak on top of heartbreak

@Testarossa44 I know the feeling ish for the first 6 weeks I basically moved in with dad went home occasionally every time I went home he would ring me crying

@mrssunshinexxx it's been nearly 9 weeks since dad died, for the first 4 weeks I was pretty much at mum's the whole time. I'm travelling up every 3rd weekend and staying 3 nights. Mum is managing pretty well, but it cuts me up every time I leave her, just hate the thought of her being alone.

Can totally understand that @Testarossa44 she will really appreciate everything you re doing whilst grieving yourself. Is your sister doing the same ? Do you think your mum would move closer to you?

No mum wouldn't move nearer. It's been the family home since we moved in in 1984. I wouldn't want her too either. I'm really feeling things at the moment, I got up not long after bedtime as i couldn't settle, ended up sobbing on the sofa. My auntie's funeral is next Friday, and I'm anxious about it, keeps making me think about dad's.

Big big hugs @Testarossa44 let the tears roll my husband is good on the whole I think he could ask me more frequently how I'm feeling but hey but I do most of my sobbing daily in the shower so I can ugly cry and let it all out I find if I start getting upset infront of anyone I apologise and stop myself crying or change topic quickly I guess it's so not to make them feel uncomfortable but why do we need to do that ?!
I drove past the crematorium this morning and I was thinking to myself that's the last place her body was ever whole before it literally got burnt and I just broke down in the car. This hurts so bad honestly this thread offers me so much understanding and support I am so grateful to you all for just allowing me to say how I feel, swear, be angry and just vent

@mrssunshinexxx thanks for the hugs, sending them back to you too. I've struggled with knowing my dad is just a box of dust. It does upset me that, but I know it what he chose. I know qhat you mean about apologising for feeling sad or changing the subject for fear of making other people feel awkward. We shouldn't have too but we do. I'm really feeling sad this week, I'm putting it down to my aunts funeral next week, it's bringing all the emotions back.

It will do @Testarossa44 was your aunt your mum or dads sister ?
Totally, I remember spreading the ashes and just thinking a million things were running through my head but at the forefront that I literally had my mum in my fingers it was so weird. I kind of regret not having a ring or some jewellery made from her ashes but nothing I can do now .
I think we do it just to spare people feeling awkward I would quite like to make a conscious effort to stop . I am struggling more than usual since my newborn was born 2 weeks ago huge slap in the face another child she will never ever ever know I would of given anything for her to see me be a mum and her be Grandma to my babies

She was my dad's sister, older by 3 years. It was such a shock when she passed so soon after dad, it was very overwhelming, and it still is, though not such an intense pain, but I know next Friday is going to be awful. My mum, sister and her husband are coming, I'm driving. Its 4hrs away and we're leaving at 5am We are staying overnight in a hotel as I'm not prepared to drive all thr way back after what I know will be an emotional day.

Definitely right decision. That's really sad she has died so close to him and both far too young. Does your auntie have children / how are they coping if so? X

@mrssunshinexxx my uncle died aged 52 from a heart attack. They had 2 sons. My eldest cousin died from a brain tumour 10 years ago. My other cousin is the same age as me, he lives with his girlfriend. He doesn't cope at all, he's had huge problems with alcohol, resulting in hospitalisation at times. We've only had contact with his niece (my auntie's granddaughter) who seems to be making all the arrangements. My mum spoke to her today and asked how my cousin is and she said she didn't know as he hadn't been in contact. But I said to mum that we've enough of our own grief and trying to cope here, that I can't take on their problems as well. That might sound harsh, but I'm trying to adjust to a life without dad, (which is bloody horrible) and make sure mum is okay, and that's all I can manage at the moment.

@Testarossa44

Hi, how are you holding up and how’s your mum? My mum is the same, she will ring me and say something’s set her off or she’s just sat and had a cry and it breaks my heart too that she might be sat on her own. I’m still finding things very difficult and very painful. It is 9 weeks today since my Dad and I truly can’t hate it. It’s like I’m living in a dream that’s going on for a long time but it’s soon going to end and my Dad will be back with us. It scares me as I know I am not out of the shock and devastation stage.

How is everyone else doing?

@Testarossa44 - apologies for my typo’s. I meant that I truly can’t bare it without my Dad. A lot of what you have said about how you feel about your Dad and how you’re struggling to cope and trying to support your Mum is all very much the same as me and what I’m doing. I know it might sound strange but I don’t feel like I’m living at the moment, I just feel like I’m struggling to get through another day each day and it’s just a relief when bedtime comes and I can close my eyes and fall asleep to block out reality. It’s when you wake up that you feel gutted to know it’s not been a bad dream and that yes all of this car crash is actually real. One of my Dad’s good friends rang my mum last night as he had been out to this place yesterday with their group of friends (my dad had a big ish group of friends who he met up with regularly with their motorbikes) and they went to certain places together. Every Thursday my dad and his friends would go to a certain place they’d ride out to and stop and have a coffee and something to eat. He had so many friends. Anyway, one of the friends rang my mum last night to see how she was but also to say they had all been yesterday to the place they always go on a Thursday and just how sad and devastated they all being there without the full group (my dad missing). He said they all really missed him and that last time they went my Dad was in good spirits and was really excited about a project he’d set himself on for this winter, which he had actually started. It was nice to hear how much Dad meant to his friends but it hurt to think that he should still be going there with his friends and riding his bikes and
He should be doing his winter project. My dad was always into motorbikes, they were his passion. He used to race and won medals and trophy’s etc. Do you still feel that you’re in shock because I do and I don’t know when it will hit me that this is all real and he’s not coming back?

I hope everyone is coping as well as they can. Thinking of everyone on here tonight x

I think for me the shock has worn off, it's not as raw as it was, but it's still bloody horrendous knowing dad isn't at home with mum, and never will be again and that she's there alone. My heart breaks from missing dad so much and from worrying about mum. I'm back at work and functioning, but I having to make myself do things. All I want to do is curl up on the sofa and watch TV. Everything still seems hard.

@LucyintheSky21

Do you still feel that you’re in shock because I do and I don’t know when it will hit me that this is all real and he’s not coming back?

I felt that way for about 4 months it doesn't really "hit you" as in it's not like one day you will wake up and accept what has happened it seems to be more of a gradual feeling as each month passes you start to realise that it real.
Even tho am writing this am still not fully there yet I still can't believe that my mum died so quickly and so unexpectedly. I think when you love someone so much and have been such a big part of their life it takes a long time to take this on board. I believe that the mind tries to protect itself from the horror of the reality. I found myself recreating different outcomes in my mind in bed when I couldn't sleep. I used to imagine mum getting better and everyone around her bed hugging her and being so relieved that she was going to pull through. Eventually tho I had to stop that as it was too upsetting and wasn't helpful. I think about my mum being buried a lot but I try not to think about this in-depth as it just pushes you into a deep sense of dispair. My mum was wrapped up cosy in 2 fleece blankets which I had bought her as gifts on previous occasions but what upsets me is even with the blankets she will be so cold. Logically I know that my mum can't feel the cold but I just hate the thought of her being buried and so cold during the winter. I never knew my mum's wishes as she died so young we never had a conversation about what she wanted when she died so I just tried to plan the funeral how I think that she would have wanted it to be like but it was hard. Mum's headstone went in last month and it's still surreal standing next to it. I just can't fully accept that my mum is now there. I still even over 8 months on want to lift the phone and call her.