For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@Crunchymum

I have been thinking that too so many details of the past and my childhood went along with my mum. I ask my dad questions too and he doesn't know he used to be a work and mum raised me and my sister mainly she held all the answers to all the questions. Questions that I still have for her but will never be answered. It's just an emptyness now 💔

@LucyintheSky21

Try to not put too much pressure on yourself for Christmas. Why don't you have a small quiet one at your mum's if you felt up to it you could make dinner or have something like a buffet you may not feel up to sitting around the table so something like that could be set up and you could all nibble away as opposed to a sit down meal. You could maybe preorder some food from say M&S or an alternative supermarket something which would require minimal effort and the least amount of stress. I think what will be important will be for you all to be with your mum on Christmas day. Of course everyone will be incredibly sad there's no denying that you can seek comfort in each other. Possibly have a candle lit for your dad and if you all feel up to it maybe just watch a Xmas film or something that is a tradition in your parents house at Christmas time. That may be too difficult in which case just be together and care for each other.

I will be at my dad's on Christmas day I plan on doing a buffet as I suggested to you. I normally do this every year for lunch then we are going through to my sister in law's for dinner again something we normally do except last Christmas due to lockdown. Christmas has been filling me with dread but do you know I will just try to let it wash over me I will try to think that it's just another day one which will my kids will enjoy. Chances are when the time comes it won't be so easy but I will try to take strength from my mum because she used to give us a good Christmas every year when we were kids and I remember those Christmas's and I want my kids to have happy memories too. My mum lost her parents in her 40's and I keep thinking how the heck did she manage to get through that happening. Me and my sister were teenagers and my mum got through the loss of her mum and dad without showing a great deal of grief to me and my sister. She was amazing I felt like my world ended when my mum died was off work for 5 months and have been an absolute wreck but my mum was like super woman. I keep thinking this what am amazingly strong person my mum was and she never knew it. She never thought that she was strong she had such huge issues with depression and anxiety later in life. It's like I have 2 versions of my mum. The mum I had until I hit about 30 and mum as she was after that as mum changed following a nervous breakdown. Of course my mum was still my mum but just a different version of herself but by God even in the last 10 years everything she has been through she was a rock. She never knew she was going to die none of us did when she went into hospital to treat a leg infection. I wish I had her strength.

Try if you can to take some strength from the person that your dad was. You are his daughter after all and you can do this x

Thank you @Ttc42nearly43, your message means a lot and makes me think. I think I am putting too much pressure on myself about xmas day. Like you, my mum and dad always made sure me and my sister had the best Christmas’s as kids and I should continue that for my boys. It will be a very painful upsetting day like you say, for all of us here on this thread and a totally different Christmas. I think it’s good that you have planned yours though, whereas we start talking about xmas day and come to a standstill and say we just don’t know know and don’t want it to come. Normally my boys wake up to their presents and we go to my mum’s for dinner later on around 1pm. We love M&S food anyway so buffet food from there is an idea but I think if I could manage to make dinner but keep it a small quiet xmas day that it would be keeping the same tradition that we always have done. And I love the idea of lighting a candle for my dad. Will you be doing that for your mum? On xmas day we always raise a glass to my Nan who passed 4 and a half years ago so I guess we will do the same. The xmas film idea is good too, basically keeping it much the same as we always have done. And hopefully my Dad will be with us, I would love another sign as I have had just a couple so far. I mentioned the Robin that came to me just after my dad has passed and sat and looked at me through the kitchen window for a few minutes. There was also another incident last Weds when I went shopping with my mum and we were in a shop when all of a sudden a song came on and it’s a song my Dad loved but not a song that’s eve played. And i just thought, this is my Dad saying he’s out with us both while we’re shopping. Have you had any kind of signs?
The big difference this year is that we do all want to visit my Dad at the cemetery on xmas day after dinner.
When you say your mum lost her parents in her 40’s, she must have been a very strong woman to carry on through something like that without showing too much grief to you and your sister. That’s an incredible woman and maybe you are stronger than you think. My dad was a strong person and never let you see his emotions, or rarely. I do think he is giving me strength to keep going. I just wish they were still here us. It’s like each day when you very first wake up and you r alias as it’s the first thing you think about, I think ‘oh God it is real’. By some miracle I still keep waking up each day hoping it’s all just one big bad dream since the end of September x

@LucyintheSky21

I'm ok thank you. Yesterday wasn't wonderful. Everything stressed me out.

Please don't feel guilty about feeling low, I know your Mum is on her own but that doesn't mean you can't feel it either. Thankfully she has you and your family close by so she is not alone all the time. I'm so sad for you that your sister has chosen now of all times to not speak to her/you though. I hope that she comes around soon and realises how her behaviour is affecting everyone. (including herself)

You can contact Cruse directly, it's the same process as if GP referred you :-)

Hello I had great support from this group when I lost my DM almost 3 years ago. I still sometimes pop in just because as some of you know it can be a lonely road if others have not experienced similar loss.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your losses and just to say it does ease as the months pass.
I still miss my DM terribly of course and miss jus having that practical help and love and although my DF is very good it is never the same for me I was closest to my DM.
I also wanted to say about Christmas please make it as easy as you can on yourself. I honestly found my first Christmas Day worse than the funeral I was just having my DF for lunch and it was so hard I felt awful all day and had panic attacks trying to juggle my emotions and make the day nice for everyone, with young DC to factor in.
I wish I had just lowered all the expectations and done a simple roast and not put myself under so much pressure.
I still wanted to host my DF but is was so hard for us all. He went to my brothers for his evening and that was nice as I could then just feel I had done my bit for the day.
If you can have family host or share the day it really does help. Please don’t be afraid to say I can’t do this.

Sorry I hope I don’t make anyone worry more about Christmas Day I just wanted to say yes it was awful and I wish I had said I needed help to do it. I hope everyone finds an easier day than I had and makes sure their needs are heard.

Thanks for all the support during my wobble. I appreciate it.

Today is a new day and despite a rotten cough and cold (awaiting PCR results) I feel better. My loss and grief still has the power to knock me off my feet, but I find it easier to get back up.

14 months today since mum died. So I've done all the "firsts" but Christmas was just awful (Covid didn't help as we were isolating as well but I wasn't up to seeing anyone to be honest!)

Christmas last year was just three months after she died. It was as miserable and as difficult and sad as I expected, and then some. I spent most of the day in the kitchen "cooking" (crying) and feeling like I'd never enjoy that time of year again.

I've mentioned before how much my mum loved Christmas (the picture we picked for her order of service and the same picture I have of her on display is of her in front of the Christmas tree) so this year we'll be back to full on festivities. My mum would be gutted to see us all sad and depressed at the time of year she loved the most.

But that first Christmas, all bets are off. You do whatever it is you need to, in order to get through it.

I've already made the decision that Christmas isn't going to be much. My mum is going to my sister's for the day, which I'm grateful for. I'm staying home with my partner, (we don't have kids) not doing decorations cards or presents (other than family) and just doing a roast chicken dinner for us. I've told my OH to go and see his family in the afternoon, but I'll stay home. Cannot imagine how to try make jolly when I'll be feeling the opposite. We'll be going up to stay with mum for new year. But not looking forward to that either.

@Crunchymum - I hope your results come back as negative. It’s so hard to tell as I’ve known people have Covid and say it’s like a really bad cold. Obviously everyone will get it differently. Christmas this year for me will be 3 months without my Dad, so same as you were at your first Xmas. Like you were, I’m not looking forward to it at all. And normally I absolutely love Christmas. But Christmas for me has always been with and about me and my husband and my two boys with my mum and dad (and used to be my Nan before she died 4 and a half years ago). I think it’s got to be the worst and most bleak time when you’ve lost someone close.
Similarly to what @Testarossa44 said, I had said that Christmas is off this year. But having two boys both under ten it’s going to be very difficult so I think I’ll do what I can but it’s going to be a miserable sad and depressing day without my Dad. There’s no getting round that. I had said no Christmas tree but imagine my kids, they’d be really sad and I don’t think my Dad would want to see us all doing nothing and making Christmas not a good time for the kids. It’ll be very hard for the kids without my dad this year and my mum wants to sleep it away, but I did broach it with my mum today and said that we need to make some decision on what we’re doing for Christmas Day and where etc. I think it’ll be very low key, me and DH, our two boys and my mum. We will have some kind of Christmas dinner, whether it’s the usual turkey we have or just a roast I don’t know but after dinner we have said we will go to the cemetery to see/speak to dad. I think we should still set a place for my dad at the head of the table where he always sat for Xmas dinner and light a candle there for him. I think it was @Ttc42nearly43 who suggested lighting a candle which I think is a really nice idea.
I think however any of us do xmas this year it will be incredibly hard no matter what. I’m buying minimal gifts this year, the kids will get everything they want of course but as for my mum and me and my DH, none of us want anything. Sadly my sister hasn’t spoken to me since my dad’s funeral and hasn’t spoken to my poor mum for 3 weeks. My mum is so hurt by this and needs the support of both her daughters, but I have no idea how to change this as my sister won’t speak. An awful time to do something like this to your family, I can’t understand it.
But anyway, I hope everyone has survived another day. I have been with my mum all day. We just can’t believe any of this is happening still. I don’t seem to be able to get over the shock of what’s happened. It’s like I still keep expecting him to just come back. I miss my Dad so much, life is empty and feels worthless without him.
@ilovebagpuss - don’t apologise. You’re just being honest. It’s hard to imagine 3 years down the line without my Dad. I am dreading Christmas Day and I think we are all feeling the same about it on here. I think if I didn’t have young kids I wouldn’t bother with Christmas at all this year. I’d see my mum so she wasn’t on her own but I would be happy to just watch the tv and have a normal meal without any fuss. With young kids I do think it’s harder as you still have to try and make it as nice as you can for them.

I think you can go one of two ways because I've gone all extra with Christmas, booked loads of things, so much time filled. I think I'm trying to make Christmas as perfect as possible, so a different sort of pressure on myself I reckon. I think alcohol throughout the day is probably the answer.

2@Kitkatchunkyplease

I fully imagine this is how I will get through Christmas day by trying to block out my feelings with wine. I won't over do it but it might help numb feelings a bit.

I bumped into my mum's old work colleague today and I was crying in the street as she was saying what an amazing person my mum was. She gave me her phone number and said I should go see her. Am not sure if I should go. My dad said if it's going to bring out more grief them maybe I shouldn't go but then am thinking that this woman worked side by side with my mum for about 20 years and she will hold so many memories of mum that I don't have. What does everyone think? I don't want to put myself on her as am just going to likely be bubbling and crying in her house and thats not fair on her is it sometimes I feel like a burden to people. I really my mum saying that to me that she felt like she was a burden when her anxiety was so high that she was calling around everyone particularly me looking for reassurance. I now know how she felt for years and it's not a nice feeling.

She wouldn't have given you her number if she didn't want you to go round. She might really miss your mum too and want to talk about her. Sometimes we forget that other people miss them too don't we.
It's okay to cry, don't feel guilty or bad.

@ Ttc42nearly43

I would definitely go. If you’re anything like me, you’ll feel somewhat comforted by people who knew your mum for a long time and thought a lot of her. I know that one of my dad’s close friends still goes to see my mum or see us at their house and I love it if I’m there when he visits as he has so many tales about my dad and their group of friends and things they got up to and did over t years and it’s lovely to hear that. Absolutely go. I wish I had more people in real life who I could call on to sit and talk to about my Dad. I have my DH but it’s not the same and my mum is falling to bits but to have someone just there for me or to say the door is open if you want to come and talk about your dad. Friends I have who haven’t been through this just don’t get it and don’t really mention it unless I do. My advice, absolutely go xx

Thanks @LucyintheSky21 and I'm so sorry for your sudden loss too. It's like trying to exist in a different world overnight isn't it.
Actually today I had my first real conversation with Dad about Xmas and we've agreed a few new traditions mainly around my two children, and also we've said that this year we won't have a Turkey - it sounds so silly doesn't it but that traditional cooking of such a huge Turkey just feels like too much and I think all those Xmas smells will be very grief ridden. We will have a relaxed roast, the kids will probably only eat the sausages and Yorkshire puddings anyway.
I think all the new toys for the kids and being at my house will help on the actual day but I'm actually anticipating Boxing Day as being very hard. It's for various reasons a very mum day for me and I think for that day I'm going to need a very put together plan.
I'm wondering about a day out somewhere we've never been.

I'm wondering if anyone else has struggled with work since losing their parent. I'm usually good at my job and I do well, but I've been in a fog. Like trying to talk through a window to people who can't hear. So strange. There's a potential career opportunity coming up for me, and it's sparked off a big wave of grief today. I keep wondering what mum would say, and also feeling I don't have the energy for it all. I'm worried I will regret a missed opportunity if I don't go for it.

@kittlesticks - it’s exactly like that, trying to exist in a new world over night. And I hate it. I broached the subject of Christmas with mum today like you, and like you have two young kids so much of it has to be for the benefit of them. I know exactly what you mean about the whole turkey thing. We always have a huge turkey and that’s largely because my mum and dad love it at Christmas and the turkey and stuffing sandwiches etc for the days that follow. I don’t think any of us are up to that, as in me or my mum but we agree a roast dinner of some kind. Not as much effort this year needed for the meal. It does feel too much but I think the main thing is that we’re all together and even if it’s being desperately sad and lots of tears that we are still together on Christmas Day. I can’t bare the thought of making new traditions, I understand it but for me I want to try and keep it as much as possible like we always have.
I can understand being in like a fog at work. It feels like being in a fog no matter what I do at the moment. I’m just trying to keep busy and functioning and not thinking too much if I can help it.

@Ttc42nearly43 she shouldn't of offered if she didn't mean it , definitely go. C

I'm managing at work, but no longer enjoying it. I work as a nanny for 2 different families, both jobs will come to an end next September as all the kids will be in full time school. I'm sticking it out till then, but have decided to do something different. Every time a nanny job came to an end my dad used to say why don't you try something different? I used to say I don't know what else to do. I feel like he's still telling me this some how, (sounds silly I know) but I've decided to take his advice this time and I've applied for a night class in IT skills, so I can do some kind of admin/office job. I just wish I could talk to him about it, I think he'd think it was a good idea. I so miss being able to ask his advice.

@Ttc42nearly43 I got some lovely messages from my mums former colleagues, they knew a whole different side of her and I found it comforting but also really sad to know she was out there in the world being her own person as well as being my mum. But then its also painful because I now want to tell her how much more I appreciate her from knowing all these different aspects of her I didn't know about before. I would go though, it can be really comforting to be with other people who loved your loved one.

@kittlesticks I'm on my second week back and its just weird and hard. I used to be super efficient and even found work to be an escape from worry in the past. Not now. I am just trying to do a minimal amount of tasks to keep myself somewhat up to date. I have a fit note for a phased return and am working from home 4/5 days, and it's still really hard.

I have learned the term 'sadmin' for all the death admin (via listening to 'griefcast' ) and it feels like the most apt thing ever. Next week would have been mums 72nd birthday. Its all so unfair. I feel numb for a few days and then the crushing weight of it all just hits me all over again, I will never see her face or talk to her again in this world.

Been trying to get back into exercising, it helps with my feelings of anger, but doing anything positive feels like a betrayal. I get so caught up in my head with conflicts like this.

How are people today? I went to a local retail park to get a few Christmas presents. It was so hard seeing things I would have got for my dad, it was all I could do not to cry in the shops. I got some nice things for mum and close family, but that’s all I’m buying for this year. The one thing I can’t bring myself to do is get any Christmas cards, ripping me apart knowing I’ll have to get one with just mum on this year.

Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven’t been on as much. I’ve also been keeping busy to keep my mind off things. I’ve done a bit of Xmas shopping like you @Testarossa44 but also finding it really tough seeing things I would normally be buying for my Dad. Like you, I’m not buying much this year. I’m buying for my two boys because they believe in Santa so I have to but other than for them, just something for my mum who also has zero interest this year and something small for DH’s parents. Talking of xmas cards, I wasn’t going to send any but I have decided to. I mean just the normal ones you buy to send to family and friends. I won’t be buying my mum an individual card this year because i’d normally buy a ‘mum and dad’ card so I just won’t buy one at all. She won’t want one. My mum isn’t sending any this year as she can’t bare to just sign them from her and not Dad. I have always watched the soaps and watching Eastenders tonight and right at the end someone has a heart attack just like my Dad did.. normally I like the soaps for a bit of zone out time. Things like that hit you.
Other than bits of shopping and house work and school runs, I’ve not done anything else. I’m also reading to take my mind off the real world, but I’ll read a few pages and then find my mind wonders off. I’m still helping mum every day and cooking for mum every night. Christmas is getting closer unfortunately. I will be really glad when it’s over this year.
As @refreshingseahorse said, I also feel numb for a few days and then depressed and most days I’m just really angry and fed up with life. I can’t bare to actually think to myself that I won’t see my Dad or speak to him again. If I think too much about that it’ll push me over the edge I think. So sorry @refreshingseahorse that your mum’s bday is next week. It is so truly unfair. My dad was only 74, it’s just a life stole when they should be here with us. x

I just want Christmas to be over and gone. Although my dad's birthday is the 19th January, that's going to be really really hard as well. I'm only doing family cards, not sending any. Presents are only for immediate family and the kids I nanny. Just have no enthusiasm for it at all.

@Testarossa44 - I have no enthusiasm either. To hell with Christmas, I say. My Dad’s birthday is the 4th Feb, so not long after xmas. Another painfully sad day. We’re going to visit my Dad’s grave after dinner on xmas day, that’s if we have dinner as it’s all still very undecided. Re the xmas cards, I’m the other way round. I’m not sending to family really. Just the ones I’d normally post to friends or family that aren’t close family. It’s certainly not an xmas day that I want or will enjoy in any way without Dad. It’s still just a shock to me that I’m even writing this stuff. I keep thinking my Dad will come back.

Hi how is everyone doing? Thank you for your responses about my mum's old work colleague. I think I will go see her but after mum's birthday which is a week today. I have been struggling with deciding what to do on that day. Me, my dad and sis are all in agreement that none of us are in a place where we can celebrate mum's birthday it just wouldn't feel right but I think that I may have a plan. I contacted the church where we had mum's service and mum was laid to rest in the local cemetery near to where mum and dad lived all of their marriage lives and where I was born and raised. The minister called me back tonight and it looks like I can potentially get access to the church in the morning. I just want to sit there for a while and think about mum. I would like to light a candle then carry it up to mum's grave. I might go alone or I might go with my dad and sister. I don't know if they would want to join me I can ask them probably dad would come as he attends church anyway.

Am not religious but I got a card through my door this morning from my local church not the one I plan on attending on mum's birthday but the one on my street and it said on the front"a shining light through the darkness" and I wonder if indeed some comfort can be found for me and possibly dad and my sister on mum's birthday by being in the church.

I don't believe in the afterlife but I do know that my mum was there in the church physically on the day she was buried. It can go either way I reckon. I will either take some comfort in being there or I will be the opposite and be really upsetting. There is also a Bereavement service on 12th December am going to go along to with dad and see how that goes.

I had a counselling session today and I was telling the counsellor that I often think how my mum would have coped had I died instead of her. I think that she would have been like me absolutely distraught. What the counsellor said gave me something to think about that I wanted to share with everyone. She said to me that one of us had to go before the other and that maybe it was kinder for me to carry that burden instead of my mum and that I had spared her having to cope with loosing me first. What does everyone think of that? Am not sure if it's comforting or not as my mum was only 66 so although I spared her the pain of coping with my death I know that my mum also wanted to live so am in a bit of a turmoil about that comment. Any thoughts?

@Ttc42nearly43 interesting comment. I'm not sure how my would of coped if one of her children had gone before her. When she was 13 her 11 year old sister got hit my a bus and killed outside their school the impact it had on her mum affected it forever her mum just checked out of life even though she had 2 living children that needed her still

Baby is 12 days old she has slotted in perfectly I've found myself increasingly teary it's dawned on me that I have another child that my mum will never even lay eyes on and they will never know her. Reality has hit once again and it hurts badly