For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@LucyintheSky21

Bless him your oldest sounds so caring. I know what you mean when you say your youngest was asking about bringing them back. When we were clearing Mum's house my daughter asked 'but won't she need these things when she comes back? Funnily enough a lot or her 'magic spells' and 'injections' when she's pretending have involved bringing people back to life too.

I'm glad you found a locket. It'll be something to cherish forever x

@refreshingseahorse

Well done for getting through those 2 days. That must have been really tough.

I'm glad you have a phased return arranged, sounds like it will help - especially if you're not sleeping due to terrible dreams etc.

I echo your sentiments on Christmas. I think its just added pressure to be happy and things to be normal - and I am neither of those things right now!

Hi all,

I’m posting in the hope of finding some words of comfort.

My mum died of advanced bowel cancer two weeks ago. She was only 70 so not that old. She had cancer for nearly two years. She initially had an operation to remove the tumour from her bowel, which went well, but it later spread to her liver and brain. She deteriorated rapidly the last few weeks. She went into hospital for low sodium levels and was later transferred to a care home just down the road from us. I now feel guilty that she was not at home, but due to our personal circumstances we felt it was for the best and my dad and I were with her when she died.

I am 41 but live with my dad, who is 83 and has MS. He is on my back all day and gets annoyed when I cry. Due to various reasons (mainly social anxiety/lack of confidence) I have never had a partner, children or even friends and am an only child. I never really minded before as my mum was my best friend and we did everything together, but now she has gone I feel so lonely and it is something I now regret, as I am sure this is making the loss even harder to bear. We have some family close by, who have been good, but they have their own lives and I can’t keep burdening them. On top of all this I have been having to deal with all the phone calls etc myself as my dad is also hard of hearing but refuses to have a hearing aid (which used to annoy my mum). It sounds awful but I would almost rather my dad wasn’t here, as I now have the burden of caring for him alone as well as the worry that he will have to go into a care home and what will happen to me then. I could probably still buy a house but there is still the question of how he would manage alone. None of us ever imagined that my mum would go first, as she was 13 years younger and healthy until last year. I naively thought she would take after her dad, who was 88 when he died, but it turned out she took after her mother’s side (her aunt and cousin had cancer but survived).

I am going to look into counselling after the funeral in the hope that it will help me deal with everything, but don’t know if this will help. I feel so alone and scared for the future.

Any advice would be welcome.

@Poppy05

Hi there

Firstly I wanted to say how sorry I am about your mum. You will be feeling very raw after just two weeks. I lost my Dad just 8 weeks ago tomorrow actually, it was 8 weeks ago tonight that he was rushed into hospital with a heart attack which killed him. I’m just turned 40 so same age as you, my dad was just 74, and also feel very alone. My Grandma died of bowel cancer many years ago. Like you, I feel that 70’s is no age to go, especially not early 70’s. Whilst I wouldn’t ever want to lose either my mum or my dad, I sometimes wish it had been the other way round for the only reason being that my Dad I think would have coped better than my Mum. They were married 47 years and my mum isn’t coping, none of us are. In fact I’ve just had a meal with my mum tonight and all dad’s things are still out just as he left them, just like he’s still there. I can’t tell you how much I would give to bring him back. 8 weeks on is sadly not better than 2 weeks. I don’t have any words to comfort you unfortunately but can say that this is a nice friendly thread and hopefully it might offer you some comfort or help you to not feel alone. I’m really struggling with the fact I feel that no-one understands in real life. I don’t know what advice I can offer other than try and keep busy and just take each hour as it comes, and be there for your dad which it sounds like you’re already doing and sounds like you’re caring for him really well x

@Poppy05

Am so sorry that you find yourself here with us all who are at various stages in our loss of a parent. It's a very difficult road to navigate certainly I've never been through anything like this in my life. Someone said to me this week that they felt that they had died too following their mum passing and I can relate to these feelings so much. In the early stages you do indeed feel that your life in no longer worth living the physical pain of your sadness can be too much to bare but you must keep going. I lost my mum 8 months ago my mum was 66 years old. Another beautiful person taken far too young snatched away from her loving family. You are left in a complete spin a state of shock and disbelief. I still can't believe what has happened sometimes it's like it's happened to someone else and am just an outsider looking into someone elses tragic situation.

If I can give you any advice is please don't feel guilty about leaning on your extended family am sure that they will want to be there for you. If you can try to express to your dad that you need to let your feelings out and hopefully he will be understanding of this and allow you to greive openly but equally he may not be able to cope with seeing you like that. You can turn to Cruse Bereavement they have a national helpline I called them a lot in the first few months after my mum died. I was desperate and needed to cry and cry for as long as I need to without the guilt of putting people out. I also reached out to the Samaritans in one evening of utter devastation and the lady just listened and let me cry. Cruse Bereavement do offer early intervention counselling and I had 4 sessions with them. I can't say it changed the enormity of my grief but it did allow me sometime to talk about my mum. Am now started more counselling sessions with them. When something so life changing like this happens you need to make sense of what you are feeling. The loneliness is there for sure it is sometimes I feel completely alone and am married with children but no one quite gets how I feel as me and mum were so close I loved her with all my heart and she loves me back the same. I never showed my mum enough that I loved her so much I never knew that she would be taken away so early guilt I find is also a huge part of greiving or certainly it is for me this has lessened through time.

Look after yourself and ur dad he sounds like he is struggling too cope too.

Oh gosh @Poppy05 I really don't know what to say other than I am
So very sorry and can't relate in that my mum was the best friend I'll ever have and life is utterly shit and cruel sometimes
Keep chatting on here I have found this thread the biggest comfort

@Poppy05

So sorry to read not only your sad news, but your situation too. I hope you do have some real loft support but there are people and organisations who can help. Don't be afraid to reach out. Of course we are all here too. X

life not loft

@Poppy05, I am so sorry you have lost your mum, I lost my beloved dad 8 weeks ago, no time at all, but also seems like forever since I last saw him and spoke to him. It's a pain that nobody understands unless they have experienced themselves. This thread has been such a massive place of support and comfort, especially through the first dark weeks when the grief was so so heavy and it was a real physical pain, we all understand and send you so much love, please keep posting, you are not alone.

These last few days I have felt something shift inside me, that horrible raw heaviness has abated a bit, it's still there, but not so intense. I still cry at any given moment, I am writing this to be honest. It worries me a bit as it feels like I'm being almost forced to move forward, and it scares me that I'm leaving my dad behind,. I know I need to move forward, but at the same time I'm scared and don't want too. Does that make any sense to.amyone?

Hi everyone,

Just checking in to see How everyone is tonight? I hate Friday’s now. It is 8 weeks today since Dad, and now I can’t bare Friday. Another painful week gone and nothing feels any easier.
Thinking of you all x

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your kind replies. I’m sorry for all your losses too.

I can completely relate to what you are all saying about people in real life not really understanding unless they have been through it even though I have family close by, who have been kind. Also, they are dad’s side of the family so although they were fond of my mum they did not have the same closeness to her. We are up north and what is left of my mum’s family are down south, although her brother and his wife are coming up for the funeral. I actually find it more of a comfort talking on forums like this with people who have been through it.

I hope to have counselling after the funeral in the hope that this will also help. I have also considered asking the GP about anti-depressants. Does anyone have any experience of these?

I also understand the feelings of guilt and feel that I disappointed mum in many ways and now it is too late. Even if I do manage to achieve what she wanted for me she is no longer around to see it (unless you believe in life after death of course, which obviously no one knows).

To top things off I had an awful migraine all afternoon and although my dad was quite good about it I just wanted my mum here to comfort me (pathetic at my age I know).

Hope you are all doing as ok as possible.
X

@Poppy05 it's not pathetic to want your mum to comfort you all I want is a big hug off my dad to say everything will be okay.

@Poppy05

Hi

I am up North too. I’m the same age as you and have a husband and two boys but still feels very much like I am on my own. Grief is such a lonely thing and it’s by far the hardest and most painful thing I’ve ever had to face. I find the weekends the hardest because we always spent it with my Dad and now we try to do the same things but his absence is just hugely felt. I’m still in massive shock and devastation.
I have no experience of anti-depressants but have known people in the past take them and said that they can make you feel quite ‘numb’. It might be worth talking to a GP if you’re considering taking those to get more information. I personally would prefer to try the counselling but I haven’t looked into this as yet. Anyway, I wanted to say that I’m sure your mum would be proud of you. And I strongly believe that they are still with us and watching us. I’ve had a couple of signs now that I believe have been my Dad.
And as @Testarossa44 said, don’t ever feel silly or pathetic to wish your mum was there to comfort you. That’s what our mum’s and dad’s do, they love us unconditionally and make us feel loved, supported and comforted.

@Testarossa44
Thank you. I just feel mum would be disappointed that I am not being stronger (I know my dad is). She was not like this when her own mum died, although they were not quite as close as we were and she had me and my dad, which was a comfort to her.

x

@Poppy05

Please never think that you are pathetic this is absolutely not true you need your mum this is totally understandable. I need my mum too sometimes am desperate to talk to her it's so difficult not having your mum you just need them in your life. I long to hear my mum's voice and to see her smiling face. It hurts so much I understand this completely.

Try to take your days hour by hour and get through each day as best what you can. Once you get through one day you will get through the next too. It's not easy far from it it's a constant battle but you will get though the worse times. Try not too be hard on yourself it's so easy to let your mind torture yourself. I have spent many many hours over days, weeks and months agonising over what I should have said or what I should have done differently and how I feel that I let my mum down. Am trying to let go of some of these feelings they do subside a bit through time but the pain is still there every day. Hang in there sending you a hand hold tonight.

@Saz345

How are you? What did you decide to do about your GP appointment today? x

@Ttc42nearly43

How are you doing? I wanted to ask you about the Cruse Bereavement. I know you’ve mentioned it a few times. Is it an organisation that you contact to set up actual counselling sessions, or is there a number you can just call when you’re feeling really low and there’s someone on the end of the line who will listen and talk to you? x

@LucyintheSky21

They offer both the helpline is when you need someone to talk to straight away in that moment and from talking to the staff on the helpline I was put in touch with my local branch am in Scotland and was put on the waiting list for early intervention sessions. I waited maybe about a month or something like that I can't really recall those first few months after mum died are a bit if a blur.

www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/

@Ttc42nearly43

Thank you, it’s very useful to know you can call someone and speak to them there and then when you need it x

@Poppy05

Hi and welcome to the group. I'm sorry you find yourself here but I've found it's a lovely place where you can say exactly what you're feeling and people will understand/not judge.

I promise you are not pathetic to feel the way you do, and you have not let your mum down by feeling this way. I think to some extent everyone feels alone after they lose someone. I know I still do and I have a husband and 2 young children in the house.

I'm sorry that your Dad is not being helpful too. I guess he is trying to process his own grief as well, but this is not your fault. You are allowed to grieve in whatever way you need. I lost my Mum almost 4 months ago now - I still don't think I've even started the 'official' grieving process if I'm being honest. I'm still stuck in the event and the guilt of what I did/didn't do for her in the weeks before. If I'd known what was coming I'd have done things so differently.

I've just been keeping myself busy - not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I just feel sad (or nothing) nearly all of the time now. Or irritable.

@LucyintheSky21 I did have my GP appointment in the end yesterday. She was so lovely, and said that I'm perfectly allowed to feel the way I do - amongst other things I've had 2 major life events within a couple of months. (Giving birth and Mum dying). She has suggested that I sign up for counselling and also that anti depressant's may be beneficial for a while whilst I wait/go through it. I think she may be right, but I'm a bit reluctant whilst my daughter is BF. Keep thinking what if it does affect her? It shouldn't, but I can't help worry about it.

Has anyone here taken them whilst BF?

Also, I saw Cruse mentioned above too. Just to let you know the wait time for Cruse is 8-10 weeks in my area, so I'd strongly suggest getting your name down soon if this is something you'd like to do. :-)

Hi everyone.
It's been a while since I posted or have had the energy to - I'm so sorry.
I lost my wonderful mum in June to a heart aneurysm- she simply collapsed on the floor and died. We had no clue what was going to happen. She was only 68.
I think the shock has worn off now and it's more just like I'm living in the twilight zone - my life is so busy, being the parent of two young kids 4 and under and also I'm working full time.
But it feels like someone took the layer out of my life which gave it joy. I keep wondering, as I function day to day, is this how I will feel forever?
I am lacking in energy and I feel lost in terms of my sense of self. I've had some very good grief counselling and am vaguely reassured that I'm grieving normally but I sometimes just miss mum so much - she was like my best friend, an older version of myself, my sounding board and my gossip partner. I feel guilty sometimes like it's dishonouring the life she gave me to feel like nothing brings me joy - not even my lovely kids.
Anyway sorry for the long blah message. I'm thinking of everyone.

Sorry to just jump in but I've had a real "arrrgggghhh" moment.

Someone I know had relatives who used to live on the same estate as us in the 80's. I am sure there were our neighbours, but I wanted to double check. The only person who would know this would be mum!!!

I asked my dad and even he said "that would have been a mum question" - helpful.

So much went with her. My dad doesn't remember what time we were born or how much we weighed. He can't tell me about mum's menopause (I'm curious as I'm probably in peri) he can't tell me about her memories or her feelings in general. So much is lost to me now she isn't here and I'm still discovering it. Blow by blow.

@Saz345

Hi, how are you feeling tonight? I’ve had a very low day today with my mum. I feel guilty for feeling low when my mum really is on her own and I still have my husband and my two young boys around me. I know we’re both feeling the huge loss of my Dad but it must be so much worse for my mum having been married to my dad for 47 years. My sister still isn’t speaking to me or my mum and that’s breaking my mum, and not helping her at all.
I’m glad you went to the GP, it sounds like it was a successful appointment. I can’t believe it’s as long as 8 to 10 weeks for Cruse bereavement counselling. I’m up North so I don’t know if it will be the same. For the counselling, are you best going to the GP or calling them direct? Have you chosen to go away and think about the antidepressants? The only thing that makes me reluctant about those is that i’ve always thought they make you numb and a bit emotionless and I don’t know how helpful that would be in terms of dealing with things. I think of it as a bit like masking the pain. I know they’re meant to take the edge off but is that a good thing? I really don’t know much about antidepressants if I’m being honest and I have no idea about taking them while breast feeding. Have you Googled that? I honestly wish I knew of something that would help.

@Crunchymum - you’re not jumping in. So sorry. It’s not getting any easier for any of us from the sounds of it. We were round at my mum’s today, me and DH and our two boys and when we left my mum was in tears in the kitchen. My oldest is staying with her tonight. It’s all such a mess and still shock and devastation. Is it normal to still feel like such a shock at 8 weeks?
My Dad would have been like this too (like yours), he wouldn’t know what we weighed or what time we were born etc. They’re just different to our mum’s. I really wish I was my Dad still here though as he was somehow stronger than my mum and he would have coped better.
Has anyone thought about xmas yet and how they’re having xmas day? We have no idea what to do or how to get through the day. I just don’t know what is best to do. We normally have it at my mums house and she makes dinner, but my mum won’t be up to that this year at all and I don’t know if I should try to make it at our house but altogether don’t think I could stomach xmas dinner without my Dad. Can’t think of anything that would make the day any easier.

@Saz345 - what you said earlier was like that was me writing it. I feel exactly as you put it ‘I just feel sad or nothing or irritable’. That’s totally me. I feel almost numb most days but I know that’s me keeping busy and doing the things I normally do and not torturing myself with thinking too much about what’s happened because I’m scared to stop and think too much about it. All I’m doing is keeping busy too and I feel sad and then numb and irritable every day. People irritate me as well, the ones who I know don’t understand. x

@kittlesticks - So sorry about your dear mum. My Dad also collapsed but with a heart attack just 8 weeks ago yesterday and we also didn’t know what would happen. I never for a second thought that he would pass away the next day. Like you, it’s shock and devastation. It’s so heard to deal with when it’s such a shock and so sudden and unexpected. It’s interesting you say you think the shock has just worn off, I’m still waiting for that. My Dad was 74, too young to go like your mum and he’s left my mum who is only 69.
Nothing gives me joy or happiness at the moment. I have always been so close to my mum and dad and I can’t get used to it just being mum. I feel like everyone is talking about xmas, my friends keep saying how many weeks til the kids break up etc and I can’t bare the thought of xmas day this year and the pain and agony it will bring not having my dad there round them table for xmas dinner with his xmas hat on his head from the xmas crackers. And the films he puts on later in the day for my kids to watch with them and he’s always first to open the tins of chocolates. I just don’t want it to come. Do you know how you’re spending xmas this year or are you also trying not to think about it?