For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

I typed out a reply earlier and for some reason it’s not gone through. I can’t remember everything that I said but it is all so insensitive. I was helping my mum deal with all the horrible formalities that need sorting out when this happens and what an eye opener that was! You’re alive one minute and then disregarded like a piece of shit the next. My mum did this thing where you send a text message or a phone call and it literally informs everyone of when someone has passed and I could not believe the abruptness and lack of feeling from people and companies. My mum was a named driver on my mum and dad’s car and they cancelled the insurance so my mum had no car to drive and that had to be reinsured. My mum also got a spineless letter from the lovely Inland Revenue, saying something on the lines of ‘sorry to hear about your husband but we’d like to look into all your affairs to make sure you don’t owe us any money’. We had to call so many places and speak to people who lack compassion. I think all these things should be left for six months before people have to deal with anything like this or legal and formal things should be given a bit of time. When people are raw like this, it’s the last thing they need to be dealing with the tax man, banks and insurance companies etc etc.

@ Testarossa44 - Can totally totally relate to what you’ve said. My mum made a list of people we needed to call to do the same, inform them that my Dad has passed and remove him from the joint bank account, council tax etc etc. It is so draining and such a hard conversation to have with anyone, let alone some doylum at the end of the phone at the gas and electricity company etc. Some say they’re sorry and some don’t even acknowledge what you’re saying. I’d have snapped if I had been told to have a nice day. It’s even worse when you make these calls and you’re on hold for ages listening to depressing music. It’s like if you didn’t feel suicidal before you made the call, you are by the end of the call! We found that so hard, all the calls we did between me and my mum and my sister. Taking my dad’s car and his two motorbikes out of his name like you say, it’s like removing him and his name from everything like he’s gone and the past and not significant anymore. I think the whole process is a joke to be honest. Give people some bloody time to just be depressed and try get through a few weeks or months before all these things have to be changed and notified. I think it’s a process that needs changing.

Just wrote a big message to everyone who kindly replied to me, and the bloody site glitched and lost it all.

I'll try to write again in a bit.

Anyway I also wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone here. I'm so sorry you're all going through this too, but it really has helped knowing I'm not alone - and having somewhere where people understand. Xx

@Saz345- I think it did the same thing to me earlier! And back at you, it is really supportive and nice that we have each other on here. Thinking of you and everyone else on here xx

I just don’t think people think before they speak. 2 days after mum passed away the man turned up to install her virgin internet. When I told him she had passed away he asked if there was another address that I could transfer the internet to!!!

I keep thinking it must get easier at some point? I’m back at work now and I sobbed while driving to work this morning - tears seem to come easier in the car.

It’s been 7 weeks now. I still can’t get my head around what happened. She was only 58 and wasn’t poorly. We had been with her till 8:30pm the night before as we had Sunday tea at hers every week. Then I had a message from her work at midday the following day to say she hadn’t checked in for work that morning. I’ll be forever grateful as it allowed us to go round and find her - otherwise my 17 year old daughter would have let herself in and found granny at the bottom of the stairs… the thought haunts me even though it didn’t happen.

It will be 7 weeks for me on Friday since my Dad passed. A lot of the time I am numb to what’s happened and try to just carry on and busy myself with the kids and doing everything that I normally do (so basically not facing it head on and being in denial). This last 3 days though I have felt so desperately low. I’ve been reading posts on here from the beginning of the thread, before I joined and so many of you say exactly how I’m feeling. It really strikes a chord to read it. One person said how it’s been a few weeks so people seem to stop mentioning what’s happened and people stop asking how you are. It’s the people who haven’t been through it who just think it’s sad when it happens but after 2 weeks, it’s like they expect you to be fine now as it’s happened and gone. It makes me angry that people don’t still ask how I am. I have a friend who will text me and ask me if I’m having a good weekend. I know it’s probably meant well, but inside I want to rely and say ‘no I’m not having a good weekend. I’ll never know a good fucking weekend again’. All my weekends were spent me and my husband, our two kids and my mum and dad. Do people expect you to pick yourself up and just move on?
Another person on here said about how you don’t want life to go on or get better without the person you miss so terribly. That’s how I feel. I don’t want to have to get used to life without dad. I just want Dad. And I know he’d still want to be here with us. All the kids keep talking about is Christmas and what will it be like without dad. I want to say it’ll be the worst Christmas we’ve ever known. I want to say Christmas is cancelled. I have felt low this week but I have noticed I have days where I also feel so angry about what’s happened. I’ve been in an awful mood this afternoon and I think it’s because I feel so angry and cheated that this has happened. Does anyone else get the anger? I go from broken and low to raging anger.

@LucyintheSky21

Yes the anger is there, and it comes in waves too. Odd things can set me off or I can just wake up irritable on a bad day.

I.e I saw an article on a&e waiting times, and someone complaining they had to wait hours for a sprained wrist or ankle or something. My mum had to wait hours whilst she was literally dying. I really couldn't care less about a sprained wrist.

I get angry when people tell me 'it's better/kinder for her have gone this way ' or ' at least it was quick' or other supposedly comforting phrases.

I know she didn't have to endure weeks/months like some people do. And I'm not taking away from anyone that suffered that at all. As far as I know she started feeling poorly about 5 days before she died, although thought it was just some kind of bug/sickness. (she often hid symptoms or 'forgot' to tell us - but she was fine on the Wednesday, started feeling a bit iffy on Thursday and then rapidly deteriorated.) But having been with her those last 3 days in hospital I simply don't see how this was 'kind'. Kind would have been passing away in her sleep peacefully. Kind would have been able to make her totally pain/confusion/fear free.

Maybe one day I will take comfort in the fact that she avoided the dementia deterioration and all that comes with it. I know how awful it is and she knew she was losing her abilities. But right now I can't get past what happened and telling me it's a blessing is not helpful.

It's my birthday tomorrow and I really just can't be arsed. I'd quite happily just not acknowledge it. Hubby is getting annoyed because I don't know where I want to go for lunch. Even that's winding me up, although I know he means well.

I keep wanting it to be this time last year.

I'll be think of you tomorrow 💕 xx

@Sax345

How are you feeling this morning? I’ve just got back from doing the school run. I have literally no plans today which worries me as it’s when I’m not busy with things that I sink myself into a deeper depression. I thought I was alone with the anger. My mood seems to change between flat broken and depressed to raging anger that this has happened to us. Why my Dad. Why your mum? It wasn’t their time to go and I know that because I know especially after Covid how much my dad wanted to still do. None of us have been able to do very much and now that we’re able to start doing more things, I know my dad would want to be out on his motorbike and doing his garden etc.
Peoples comments piss me off too. Like you say, nothing comforts. I get all those comments as well, at least your dad didn’t suffer and it was quick at the end…. Nothing comforts and I’d rather people just said something like ‘I’m not even going to ask how you are’, or ‘I wish I could say something to make you feel better’. And I know what you mean about the suffering at the end. Like your mum, my dad didn’t have months of suffering or pain. It was just the night before he died that he had chest pains and ended up on the floor with a heart attack but this upsets me as I wonder to myself if he was scared and if he was panicking like I would be if I knew I was having a heart attack. Was he scared at the end. We all want them to go in their sleep peacefully, it’s how I want to go. My dad did go peacefully at the end, when he had the heart attack and then cardiac arrest he was taken to hospital and they put him into an induced coma so it was just like he was asleep. He never opened his eyes again and a machine was breathing for him. So yes he went peacefully and I don’t think was in any pain at the end but the heart attack must have been awful for him. And it’s not the end I wanted for him. I’m crying now as I type this out because I just can’t believe this has happened to my Dad. I take the kids to school and I walk back home in a daze looking up at tue sky thinking, is this really happening. Do you do the same?
Kind would be to still have my dad and your mum here with us. I do agree with you about the dementia deterioration and I’m glad you didn’t have to watch this long deterioration with your mum. My Nan who passed 4 and a half years ago, she had end stage dementia as well as failing kidneys. She was in hospital for a month at the end and died in hospital. But she couldn’t speak at the end or eat, she just sat in the hospital bed with us round her and we held her hands and spoke to her but it was awful to see and watch. My auntie also passed with very early dementia, she was only in her mid 60’s and it came with a vengeance from nowhere and she couldn’t remember any names or what she was meant to be doing and in the end the stress of the dementia caused her a heart attack. Dementia is a cruel awful thing.
It’s your birthday tomorrow, is it meant to be a special bday? I think I may have mentioned that it was my big 40 on 22nd September and needless to say it’s a birthday I’ll never forget and my bday will be a write off every year now because I’ll always know that my dad was rushed into hospital the next night and died two days after my bday. How do you forget that. So I won’t be acknowledging my bday in any shape or form next year. We always do something with the kids like take them bowling or something and go for a meal but not now for me. Your Hubby means well I’m sure because he will want to try and make you feel happy in some way on your bday. Are you going to go out for lunch, do you feel up to it? I know I didn’t eat at all for the first two weeks and must have lost two stone in stress and upset, it just sort of dropped off me but I am eating now. Not always much but I try to eat. I’d say re your bday to see how you feel tomorrow when you get up etc, you know with this that you don’t know how you’re going to wake up feeling from one day to the next. Your mum will be with you tomorrow though, that I’m sure of. xx

@plummer88 Some people just don't think do they. I can see from yours and other peoples posts that many have had similar experiences. I swear they should make basic bereavement training compulsory for any one that works in these companies.

Like when we disconnected mums mobile - the bloke on the end kept asking if we were sure as we wouldn't be able to use it again. Who exactly is going to be using it?!

Or when the dwp and mum's private pension wrote to us to to ask for their most recent payments back. (apparently it was for August and as mum died end of July was not entitled).

I mean come on, surely one payment is not going to bankrupt them when they'd budgeted for it anyway. It not like it was even a large amount, but would have been one less kick in the face to deal with at that time. I would have paid them back eventually.

@Saz345

We had the same thing with dad’s pension. He had two pensions and we had to ring them to explain what had happened and they’re ruthless. They stop both immediately, nothing comes to my mum. It’s like the whole national insurance number, as soon as you die your national insurance number is wiped from existence. Completely gone.
I was just reading back and the 27th July is my wedding anniversary. It’s horrible how all of a sudden so many dates become sad dates that we won’t ever forget. Like for you, the 27th July will always be the hardest day ever and for me it’s 24th September. My dad’s bday is Feb, and I think Feb is always a depressing month too. I always buy myself a nice calendar at Xmas for the new year and I sit down with a cuppa and fill in all my dates and birthdays etc and I can’t face having to do it this year. Not even found a calendar, but when I do I’ll still have to write my dad’s birthday on there xx

How’s everyone’s feeling today? I have to say I’ve had another really low day here. I feel lost and lonely. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to.

@Plummer88

What sort of day are you having? It’ll be 7 weeks for me tomorrow like you. I just still can’t believe any of this is happening. Sorry to sound so gloom and doom. I feel like there’s no-one in the real world who understands at all. I can tell the friends I have who haven’t lost either mum or dad don’t know what to say. Sometimes I feel like they don’t even care although im sure it’s more that they don’t know what to say but people stop asking how you’re doing and if you say you’ve had a low day, they say things like ‘hopefully you’ll have a better evening’ or a better day tomorrow.

@Saz345

I sent you a reply this morning and for some stupid reason I put it for ‘Sax345’ so I’ve copied the message and pasted it below. So apologies for the double message. My message was:-

How are you feeling this morning? I’ve just got back from doing the school run. I have literally no plans today which worries me as it’s when I’m not busy with things that I sink myself into a deeper depression. I thought I was alone with the anger. My mood seems to change between flat broken and depressed to raging anger that this has happened to us. Why my Dad. Why your mum? It wasn’t their time to go and I know that because I know especially after Covid how much my dad wanted to still do. None of us have been able to do very much and now that we’re able to start doing more things, I know my dad would want to be out on his motorbike and doing his garden etc.
Peoples comments piss me off too. Like you say, nothing comforts. I get all those comments as well, at least your dad didn’t suffer and it was quick at the end…. Nothing comforts and I’d rather people just said something like ‘I’m not even going to ask how you are’, or ‘I wish I could say something to make you feel better’. And I know what you mean about the suffering at the end. Like your mum, my dad didn’t have months of suffering or pain. It was just the night before he died that he had chest pains and ended up on the floor with a heart attack but this upsets me as I wonder to myself if he was scared and if he was panicking like I would be if I knew I was having a heart attack. Was he scared at the end. We all want them to go in their sleep peacefully, it’s how I want to go. My dad did go peacefully at the end, when he had the heart attack and then cardiac arrest he was taken to hospital and they put him into an induced coma so it was just like he was asleep. He never opened his eyes again and a machine was breathing for him. So yes he went peacefully and I don’t think was in any pain at the end but the heart attack must have been awful for him. And it’s not the end I wanted for him. I’m crying now as I type this out because I just can’t believe this has happened to my Dad. I take the kids to school and I walk back home in a daze looking up at tue sky thinking, is this really happening. Do you do the same?
Kind would be to still have my dad and your mum here with us. I do agree with you about the dementia deterioration and I’m glad you didn’t have to watch this long deterioration with your mum. My Nan who passed 4 and a half years ago, she had end stage dementia as well as failing kidneys. She was in hospital for a month at the end and died in hospital. But she couldn’t speak at the end or eat, she just sat in the hospital bed with us round her and we held her hands and spoke to her but it was awful to see and watch. My auntie also passed with very early dementia, she was only in her mid 60’s and it came with a vengeance from nowhere and she couldn’t remember any names or what she was meant to be doing and in the end the stress of the dementia caused her a heart attack. Dementia is a cruel awful thing.
It’s your birthday tomorrow, is it meant to be a special bday? I think I may have mentioned that it was my big 40 on 22nd September and needless to say it’s a birthday I’ll never forget and my bday will be a write off every year now because I’ll always know that my dad was rushed into hospital the next night and died two days after my bday. How do you forget that. So I won’t be acknowledging my bday in any shape or form next year. We always do something with the kids like take them bowling or something and go for a meal but not now for me. Your Hubby means well I’m sure because he will want to try and make you feel happy in some way on your bday. Are you going to go out for lunch, do you feel up to it? I know I didn’t eat at all for the first two weeks and must have lost two stone in stress and upset, it just sort of dropped off me but I am eating now. Not always much but I try to eat. I’d say re your bday to see how you feel tomorrow when you get up etc, you know with this that you don’t know how you’re going to wake up feeling from one day to the next. Your mum will be with you tomorrow though, that I’m sure of. xx

@LucyintheSky21

I'm ok thanks. Just a bit 'meh'. Can't really be bothered to do anything. Which also annoys me because that's not me!

Keeping myself busy but not really enjoying anything. Keep wishing it was this time last year - despite being in lockdown mum was here, I was happy and waiting for my first scan the day after my birthday. Think I just want to look forward to something again tbh.

Food is hit and miss. I have been eating because I BF my daughter and felt really rough if I didn't. Still losing though, but I'm not too worried - I had pregnancy weight to lose. (she was just over 9 weeks at the time)

The thing is I want my mum back, but I also know what she'd be subjected to if she had survived. (my gran died from dementia years back, and got to a similar stage as your Nan also not being able to speak or eat or move etc)

What I really want to do is go back in time 5 years or so. Obviously life doesn't work that way!

It's not a major birthday (33), but my 5 year old is excited bless her - she wants to 'surprise' me with balloons before school.

The kids are probably the only ones able to make me smile atm, so I do appreciate how lucky I am in that respect.

I'm sorry you lost your dad so close to your birthday. That must be horrible. I wish I knew the answer to that xx

It’s been 6 months since my parents died; one at the beginning and one at the end of May. I’m so so sad and randomly angry lately. I thought I was getting on with my life, but I was just putting things off, I think. I’ve got to go to their house again tomorrow. I dread it every week. We need to at least empty the house but my poor little sister can’t face it at all and neither can I. Probate is still not through so it’s far too early to think of selling it.

@LucyintheSky21

I’m back at work now - would have loved to have longer off really. But I started my pharmacy technician apprenticeship in September so I really can’t be having the time off. Work have been amazing but I feel completely useless. I work in a hospital so I’m up on the wards in the morning then in the afternoon either in the dispensary or studying. Was a study afternoon today - attempting to convert grams to mg and mcg but today I didn’t have a clue! It’s easy and normally I could do it in my sleep but I just can’t concentrate.

Everyone keeps telling me I’m not useless and not to push myself so hard but I have to. It’s hard being a single mum to two, commuting and working full time but mum would be cross if I wasn’t doing it.

I know exactly what you mean, it’s as if people just think you should be over it and have to get on like nothing has changed. People were joking at work yesterday about relatives dying so they get money. They can have all the bloody money, I just want my Mum back.

@weaselwords - you hit the nail on the head with “randomly sad and angry”, that’s me at the moment. I have no patience, no time for silly questions, and every now and then end up in floods of tears. It’s like it never happened in my daily dealing with people and they don’t get that I’m not coping at all. I’m so close to shouting at everyone and telling them to leave me alone.

I’m back down to 2-3 hours sleep a night, but am too busy to be able to take a sleeping pill as I need the next day to really feel the benefit, and too busy to get a flu jab/Covid booster as I want to factor in 24 hours for a reaction which knowing my luck I’m likely to have. It really is never ending isn’t it?

@SoLongSuzanne

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. In my experience the numbness was a way of functioning through those difficult first weeks. It does slowly ease up.

Also thank you for your kind words - and the same back to you. Unfortunately I sometimes miss posts with how the app works, (or possibly my phone playing up) so apologies for not replying to you.

@ weaselwords

So truly sorry about your mum and your dad. How dreadfully cruel to lose both your beloved parents. I’ve come to the conclusion that life is just extremely cruel, and unfair. I’m so desperately sad and flat but also angry each day too, angry that this has happened to me and my mum and my kids. We begged my dad not to leave us when he was in the hospital bed. I can’t believe he left us when he knew how much we need him. I ask myself why every single day and I just can’t make sense of it. I hate it now on a Friday when I wake up and realise it’s Friday, another week gone. And it’s another week gone, but nothing to look forward to. I will be thinking of you tomorrow emptying you mum and dad’s house, I know that won’t be an easy thing to do. xx

@ Saz345

I can second that, I wish it was this time last year too. How different things were. Life is so different now and I can’t get my head around how quickly it has changed. I’m so used to my dad being here, like you will be used to your mum. All of us on here just left to face the pain and heartache. What you say is the same for me, I’m better when I’m keeping busy but also get no enjoyment from anything I do. A friend of mine wants to take me out shopping tomorrow to a nice place that’s a bit of a drive away, to go do a bit of xmas shopping (her not me as I have zero interest in xmas) or look round the shops and have a coffee somewhere. I’m going to try and go because I’ve spent two days now stuck in on my own and I’ve ended up feeling rock bottom low and just tearful and crying and I’m hoping by going out and forcing a brave face and fake smile on that it’ll be a better day. But I think like you say, doesn’t matter what you do at the moment because you don’t enjoy anything. It’s like eating is just for the sake of eating rather than actually enjoying a meal now. I think getting enjoyment from things will take a long time. I really hope your two children and your hubby manage to make your birthday slightly brighter tomorrow. I know you won’t have a great birthday of course because there’s only one thing you could want for your birthday and that’s to have your mum back in your life. But I hope you manage to get through it tomorrow and that your children give you lots of love and cuddles. It’s a blessing that we have our children because I think that’s all that is probably keeping us going and getting us through each day, because we have to look after them. I know my dad would want me to be taking care of his boys. And your mum will be the same. xx

@ Plummer88

That sounds like a fantastic job you have. And you sound like you’re doing an amazing job to be back at work and in a job that must keep you busy and your brain occupied while also being a single mum, and managing to get through the days with how you’re feeling. I’m no expert and it’s only 7 weeks off me, but I do think keeping and being busy is a better way of getting through than not being busy and dwelling on it all and going over and over it all in your head twenty times a day. This is what I’ve done for the last two days and my head hurts from it, it’s draining. Your mum will be watching you and she will be proud of you and how well you’re doing. I don’t know how anyone can joke or be bothered at all about money, you realise how insignificant things like that are when things like this happen. You could have all the money in the world right now and it wouldn’t make me an inch happier.

@LucyintheSky21 it is an amazing job and amazing long term job prospects which is the main thing at the moment. I do 50 miles a day though for my commute so it isn’t ideal these days - I used to rely on Mum for a lot of the school runs.

I had a week off when Mum passed away then went back in for a week or so while we were waiting on the post mortem. Everyone thought I was mad but I needed to keep busy. Then I think I had around 4 weeks off after. I would have taken longer but my course would have had to be paused and I think I’d have driven myself crazy.

It was my eldest daughters birthday on Sunday and it’s my youngest daughters birthday this Sunday. Always a struggle anyway as my grandad had a stroke on my youngest daughters birthday coming up for 6 years ago now. Then passed away two days later.

People keep saying I’m really strong - I’m not. I just don’t have the option of falling apart. I know it’s going to hit me at some point and hopefully I have the support in place to carry me though that. For now it just doesn’t feel real. We’ve put Mums house on the market and we have an open day booked for Saturday - 6 viewings booked so far. She always joked that the only way we’d ever be able to afford to buy is when she died 😢😢😢

You do need to get back to some form of normality. Being alone with your thoughts can be a dangerous place to be. It will do you good tomorrow to get out with your friend. Let them look after you and make the most of the company and different scenery x

@Plummer88

I think this week’s been especially bad for me because my husband went back to work properly this week and I’ve had a lot more time on my own than normal and my two boys at school. I’m a SAHM at the moment but I’m normally busy and occupied. People keep telling me I’m doing great and that I’m really strong too, or ‘you’re stronger than you think’ and I’m not any of those things. I just mask it well. If I’m with a friend I won’t sit and cry, I manage to pull myself together. It’s when I’m alone that I start to think it all over and as a good friend of mine said to me tonight, it’s the shock factor for me that makes this doubly hard. Dad not being unwell and being out all day on his motorbike riding with friends. I’m still in so much shock. When you say it doesn’t feel real, that’s exactly how I feel. I don’t know if this week it’s starting to hit me or not. I will go tomorrow with my friend as you’re right, it’s good to get out and try your best. I hope your daughter has a good bday on Sunday. Are you doing anything for it? It’s things like that we will all find the hardest with not having people there who should be. You’re doing well being at work and it definitely feels like keeping busy is best at the moment. It’s hard because I feel like if I keep busy and functioning and trying to keep my mind off it, I feel like I’m avoiding dealing with it but if I don’t busy myself then like you say, being alone with your thoughts is a dark place to be. Hopefully a brighter day tomorrow for everyone x

@Kitkatchunkyplease

What happened to your mum is just so sad I fully understand your anger. I can't get hoe the hospital gave you access after your mum had passed away it sounds crazy why not let you see her. Am so sorry that this has happened to you and your mum. Have you considered lodging a complaint? Am at the beginning of legal proceedings for medical negligence in regards to the care my mum was given or lack of care in the community prior to her hospital admission. Am not sure if I will get anywhere with it but I just want these people to know that mum hasn't been forgotten and neither has their failings. I want people to take some responsibility in their lack or action and monitoring and basic care for my mum. I know my mum was terrified of dying and at 66 years old wanted to live for many more years. Only time will tell if anyone will be held liable apparently it's very difficult to prove if the outcome would have been any different has mum got medical help sooner.

@Spiritwriter wanted to let you know I had my baby today and it didn't go to plan was fairly brutal but I think I told you in the past that I think my mum visits me as a magpie crazy. I know but when I was transitioning and losing my
Shit a magpie popped up on the window ledge que lots of tears but comfort too

@mrssunshinexxx congratulations on your baby. I am so sorry it did not go to plan, but I hope it brought some comfort seeing your mum visiting you. Did you have a boy or a girl?