For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

My dad was 73, he had blood clot in his lung, a result of covid. It travelled to his heart and stopped it. Just like that. He was playing golf the day before. My mum called me at 11.30pm to tell me. It was the most horrendous phone call i have ever had to answer. I then had to drive 75 miles before I could be there. My sister was local and was already there. I've spent most of october with mum, travelling backwards and forwards, she's coping pretty well, dad did literally everything, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc so its been hard getting mum motivated to take all this on. We've started getting her meals on wheels delivered and some rails around the house as she's a bit unsteady at times. It's all such a worry that we have had to take on now that dad isn't there to look after her. We also lost my auntie last week, just 5 weeks after my dad (she was his sister) which floored me all over again. I wonder if fun and laughter will ever be part of my life again?

September 27th for my mum. And like some of you here, we lost her really unexpectedly. She was diagnosed with cancer only a few weeks before. She was offered chemotherapy. That's when it all went downhill and we lost her. Happened so fast. I still cannot believe that I no longer have a mum. It's heartbreaking 💔

@ Testarossa44

So your dear Dad was the same age as mine really and your dad sounds like it was similar to our situation in that just the day before they were doing normal things. Your dad was playing golf and my dad was riding his bike. I also got the call from my mum just after 10.30pm saying to get there immediately as she had paramedics there. That phonecall is one I won’t ever forget, but I honestly thought he would be fine. This was my dad, the centre of our family and always fit and well and active and busy. I too wonder if I will ever smile or feel happy again. Sending hugs to you x

@ Millshake01 - So so sorry about your dear mum. It is heartbreaking. It floors you xx

Just joining in to send a supportive hug to @LucyintheSky21. It’s a horrible time and, as everyone has said, you have no idea what it’s like until it suddenly hits you with the force of a thousand gigantic mallets.

My dear mum was in her 90s when she died last year, and increasingly physically frail, so realistically we knew we’d lose her sooner rather than later, but she was so absolutely her own funny, lovely self that it still came as a life-changing shock to me.

I wanted her to have a gentle, peaceful passing but she didn’t. She was in hospital for her last 2-and a bit weeks and we weren’t allowed to see her because of Covid regulations (sorry to repeat what everyone on here’s heard already). We finally got her home where she died, at least where she wanted to be with me and DSis holding her hands.

Even now I find myself obsessively going back and re-running those last few weeks to try and make things come out ‘right’ - if only I’d done this or that differently, she might still be here. It feels like my fault for not protecting her properly...this is what counselling has been helping me with. But I miss her terribly. Only the other day I found myself on the verge of picking up the phone to ring her.

My mum was also 73. And had absolutely no health issues whatsoever. She was still running her little business from home. Actually working the morning that she went in, to start chemotherapy. She was fit, active and had so many more years ahead of her.
I'm not really looking forward to Christmas this year. 😢

@Brillig - Thank you for the supportive hug and sending one back your way. So sorry about your mum. I wish my Dad had made it to his 90’s, I feel being just 74 that he has been robbed of 10 possibly 15 years I would have expected him to have left. Of course you never think about it or expect it and losing a parent whatever age is like you say life changing and so shocking. I think shock is where I’m at. I just can’t believe my life was so normal and so routined, every Saturday me and my husband and our two boys would see my mum and dad. They were always together and my dad was such a clever man. Do my oldest boy who is nearly 10 would always ring my dad after school to tell him what he’d been learning about at school in history and my dad would tell him so much more about the topic. I cry for my two boys who have lost an amazing grandad and I feel guilty if I cry in front of my mum or discuss how hard I’m finding it, even though she knows because she lives with my dad and he was her husband of 47 years so it just be much much worse for her.

@Millshake01- Again sending a huge hug to you. How can we think about Christmas? Your mum was literally the same week as my dad so you’ll still be in shock like me and one minute you’re ok and the next you’re not. Do you have a partner/husband and children? What’s your support like?

@LucyintheSky21 Hugs back to you hun.. I have an ex partner who is for now staying with me, and I have older children & One in primary school. Mum used to do the school pick up once a week. She was very involved in her grandchildren's lives also.. especially the youngest. They had such a special bond.

@LucyintheSky21

Hi,

I'm so sorry that you lost your lovely dad. It really is the worst thing.

I lost my mum suddenly on the 27th July, and totally understand what you mean about 'functioning' because you have to. I have 2 young children so feel like I don't have the option to just stop and grieve. Which deep down I know is not good for me but what other option is there?

That said, keeping busy gives me something to do...if I'm being honest I'm a bit scared to stop incase I then can't start functioning again. If that makes sense?

I literally couldn't remember anything about those last 3 days in the hospital for weeks. It was like I knew what happened, but like I'd watched it on TV or something so I could carry on.

One of the things I'm struggling with is that although I know I made the right decision regarding treatment - the guilt is still there. She depended on me for everything and trusted me, I fixed everything for her - and then I essentially agreed to let her go and keep her comfortable instead of making her better.

(Treatment was not working, and the next stage was much more invasive that likely wouldn't work either. One of the doctors said that out of all similar patients he'd seen he'd estimate that only 1 in 10 would survive - and even then her quality of life would have been extremely poor along with her other conditions).

She was so scared and confused - she was undergoing assessment for early dementia at the time too so didn't understand what was happening. (apparently kidney failure makes this worse)

At the start I had to sit with her for hours in a&e whilst she repeatedly begged me to take her home. It broke my heart.

I guess what I really want/need is for her to tell me it's OK, and she understands/forgives me. But that's never going to happen.

She was 72, I thought we had years left. We'd been trying to work out a plan for dementia care, but then she was gone.

Apologies if I've missed updates, I started writing this before the school run this morning and only just got back to it whilst youngest is napping.

Sending you the biggest hugs xx

Ah sorry I didn't mean to ramble on there. I've never really spoken about or written down what happened. thought I'd kept it brief...

@Millshake01 - I’m glad you have your ex partner there for support as well as your older kids. Mine are 7 and nearly 10. It’s all a bit over my youngest boys head but he mentions Dad every day and they both called my Dad ‘Dad’. They’ve always called me and their dad, mummy and daddy and always called mine ‘mum and dad’ . Might sound strange. Just names to them and I think it all started just because they were so used to hearing me say ‘mum and dad’. Like your mum, my dad had a really close bond with my kids. I don’t want them to grow up and have all these years without my Dad there. I keep questioning why. I know he wouldn’t have wanted to go yet, if that makes sense.
When my dad was rushed into hospital on the Thursday night (23rd September) I was round at my mum and dads house as my mum had called me. I knew he’d had a heart attack and I never went to bed that night. I just stayed up praying to myself and crying and praying he’d make it though the night, and when he did I honestly thought he would be fine. I thought, a bit of a stay in hospital but he will be ok because he’s strong and healthy and tough. And just the next day we were sat around his bedside and they came and told us dad was ‘trying to die’. I still can’t get my head around a consultant using that term. How does anyone ‘try’ to die? We were begging dad not to leave us. It was something out of what you’d see on tv. Mum stroking his head and thanking him for being the best husband in the world and my sister and I had a hand each of my dad’s and we were telling him how much we loved him. I’m tearing up as I write it. It was only 6/7 weeks ago and it feels like it was a lifetime ago that we were sat around the bedside. I can’t understand how someone goes from being gone one day or hours earlier to then being in an ambulance on their way to hospital. I wish I could find a way to say we will all be ok but I honestly some days feel like I don’t care anymore about me. It’s like life has lost so much of its purpose without someone so important in it.
@ Saz345 - don’t apologise. You haven’t rambled. I feel like I’ve found the thread and hijacked it. And I haven’t meant to. I just found this and thought maybe we can all offer comfort to each other. I don’t know where everyone on this thread is located but if it turned out we weren’t too far we could have arranged a group coffee/cup of tea grieving meeting. Doesn’t that sound morbid, but you know what I mean. All ladies in a similar dreadful harrowing situation who can all relate to each other. I do think it helps to talk about the person. I even talk to my Dad when I’m in the house on my own. It’s hardest for me when the kids are at school and husband at work as my mind goes back to the hospital at the bedside and the last time I saw my dad like that. Your mum begging you to take her home, that’s harrowing too. And I think your mind has a way or torturing you in situations like this. I keep waking up around 4.30am at the moment and it all clouds over me and I can’t go back to sleep so you lay awake going over it all in your mind again. All the details. 72,73, 74,75,76- none of it is any age to go. How are you meant to rebuild your lives around and without that person. It’s beyond me. Like you, I function for the kids and that’s my only way at the moment of getting through each day. Having two boys under ten, on a morning I’m up early with them and getting them ready and I busy myself with house jobs, cleaning washing ironing, preparing meals and anything but it’s there in your head all the time. The hardest for me is going to my mums house on a weekend and dad isn’t there but all his stuff is just how he left it. It’s almost like he’s still there but out.

@Saz345

I guess what I really want/need is for her to tell me it's OK, and she understands/forgives me. But that's never going to happen

You’ve just said what I carry about with me too. All the time.

@Brillig

It's one of the worst parts I think. In terms of what actually happened I mean.

I think I might be able to face the grieving part a little easier if I knew she understood/forgave me for how she died.

The irony is I know even if she had managed to pull through she would have been so miserable. By the end she knew she was losing her memory/ cognitive abilities and it scared her. She hated hospitals. She'd have had no idea why she had to have dialysis 3 times a week. In all probability she'd have had to go into a care home - which she was also one of her biggest fears.

But none of this makes me feel any better. I think this is what well-meaning people don't realise.

I KNOW that she has been spared a lot of suffering, but to tell me it was 'for the best' or 'kinder to go this way' makes me angry in a way I just can't explain. (which I also feel guilty for)

I would never have chosen this way for her to go. It was horrible and she deserved better.

@Brillig

Sending a virtual hug too. Xx

@Brillig @Saz345 @LucyintheSky21 @Millshake01
Sending big hugs to you all and hoping that I can join you here for a bit. My mum died very unexpectedly last week, she was a young, fit, 70 year old. It’s been so fast - my head keeps trying to make sense of it but it can’t. Am just numb.

I’m finding some comfort in your posts to know that I’ll get through it also and start functioning again - at this time that seems like a long way off. So thank you and my heart goes out to you all, it’s just awful.

@LucyintheSky21

It doesn't sound morbid at all, I think I would love to have a tea/coffee morning with people in a similar situation.

I can only imagine what it must be like seeing your dad's things still out when you visit your mum. Like you're waiting for him to walk through the door at any moment.

Mum lived alone, and we had to clear the house quickly as it wasn't hers (not council but a long story that I won't bore you with now)

It was horrible that in the space of about 6 weeks she'd got ill, died and then every trace of her removed from her house. Literally just...gone.

Sometimes I wish I could pop round there and just sit on her sofa again with a cuppa. But then again if I could I probably wouldn't be able to face it without her there.

I go over things at night too. My youngest is almost 6 months and not sleeping well at the moment - but in a weird way this helps me sleep as I'm so shattered I have to between wakings.

But when she randomly slept 5/6 hours the other week I couldn't... Because all images came back into my head and I panicked..

@ SoLongSuzanne - I’m so truly sorry. When I read your post saying it was just last week, it breaks your heart. My Dad too was a healthy fit and young 74 with what I feel like a long life left ahead of him. Same as your mum. And so many other mum’s and dad’s as I have just started reading on here. I have only just joined the thread myself, so please stay with us. When it’s unexpected, you just can’t make any sense of it or rationalise it at all in your head. I am still going round it in my head every single day, but why… but why… We were all going out as a family for a meal to celebrate my 40th birthday on the Sunday. It was meant to be Sunday 26th September. It was going to be my Dad’s treat and at his fave place and it never happened. I don’t think we will ever eat there again as the last time we went we were with my dad sat drinking a shandy.
I know what you mean about numb. That’s the shock. You will be numb and I’m shock for a while. I haven’t a clue how any of this grieving process works but someone recently did say to me that you have to get over the shock, before you can begin to grieve. And this is what worries me, I think I’m keeping myself busy functioning for my two young kids that I’m scared of what will happen if and when I stop. It’s like if you stand still for a moment and think you will just crumble and fall to pieces. I know someone else said that just earlier about wing afraid to stop functioning. That’s me.
@Saz345 it was you who said about the stopping functioning. I can’t decide if it’s a good thing or not that we’re keeping busy or are we prolonging something that needs to happen, if that makes sense.
How’s everyone else feeling today? I’ve got to say I feel lonely and flat today and very lost xxx love to all

@Saz345 I’m just picking up the boys and I’ll reply to your message properly. Come have a cuppa at my house, I would love a group to meet up with who are all going through the same xx

Sending love to all, and @Saz345, this is why I found counselling helped. I realise it may not sound as though it did, but I was a sobbing mess at the start. Nothing will change what happened but I’m finding ways to live with the aftermath.

Just being able to talk it all through is good, I think. Your brain needs to be able to sort all these very visceral emotions out.

[quote Brillig]@Saz345

I guess what I really want/need is for her to tell me it's OK, and she understands/forgives me. But that's never going to happen

You’ve just said what I carry about with me too. All the time.[/quote]
My mum died about three weeks after being ill. Two weeks before she died, I called her an ambulance. We waited for hours and then she spent the night on a trolley in a&e. She wet herself more than once and no one came.
She languished in a hospital ward with very little care, they agree they didn't have joined up thinking. She kept messaging me to say she was so cold. I just thought the doctors would help. Two days before she died she was transferred to another hospital. She had a cup of water on a table but couldn't reach it. She couldn't go to the toilet. Her hands were black. Apparently, as I couldn't see her due to covid restrictions.
Then she died, alone.

If I run that through my head, over and over and over I think my god how can I have let my mother go through that. The woman who literally gave me life,gave me every ounce of energy she had, gave me every bit of care and interest and love... And I have to stop myself and be really brutal and say 'she is dead.'

She is dead and she no longer knows how she suffered or died. She cannot blame me or be sad or angry. Because she is dead.

It actually does help alleviate the guilt but it does not alleviate the grief. Of course.

Sorry, that was a ramble. Thanks to everyone for sharing how you feel. It helps to not be alone.

@ Kitkatchunkyplease - First, you’re not alone. All of us on here are going through the same pain and heartbreak. I’m finding it helpful being on here today. It helps me knowing that I’m not the only person out there feeling so low and lost and numb.
I’m glad that my Dad didn’t suffer in the end. He went in hospital late Thursday night and he passed at 3.19 in the afternoon but all very quickly. He had a machine breathing for him and they took it out saying that he was dying and they believed it was the kindest thing to let him die with dignity. I still wonder if they could have done more. Like what would have happened if he had stayed on the machine with the tube longer. But all that does is torture myself more by going through the what if’s. It sounds like the hospital standard of care for your mum was poor. How they can leave people on a trolley for hours or a night is beyond me. And I can’t even imagine how you felt not being able to be with your mum when she passed, and all because of Covid. Never feel any guilt though about this as it was out of your hands. Strangely when my dad was taken in the ambulance on the Thursday night, both me and my mum were going together towards the ambulance and they said no, only one of you can go to the hospital with dad because of Covid. So mum went and I stayed and sat by the phone waiting for mum to call all night with any updates. Yet on Friday morning the hospital rang and told my mum that her and me and my sister needed to go to the hospital to the intensive care ward for 11am and that the consultant would speak to us in the family room. We knew this must have been bad but the consultant at just told us how serious the heart attack was and cardiac arrest but that he was stable and at that point they were still hopeful. They kind of got our hopes up by saying they’d put him in an induced coma to rest his heart, so this machine was breathing for him. But the consultant said he would take him off 24 hours later, so on the Saturday to see how well he was breathing for himself. So at 12.00 lunch time on the Friday we had seen the consultant and been given a little hope and sat by the bedside with dad, to then be called back into the family room at about 1.30pm to say actually it’s all changed and he’s trying to die. We won’t be taking him off tomorrow. We want to unplug the machine now and let him go now. We were told to say goodbyes there and then. I can’t believe it. I hadn’t even got my head around the fact he’d had a heart attack the night before and were sat around the bedside crying and talking to my dad and then just like that, sorry folks it’s all about to be over. How do you then just say goodbye?
Sorry I know I have digressed a hit back to my dad, I’m glad I was with him at the ends and that me and my mum and sister were with him when he passed but I equally don’t know for sure that he knows we were with him. I hope and pray that he knows we were all with him. I hope he could hear us, but those are questions no-one can answer. You might not have been with your mum at the very end due to Covid, which I think is disgraceful that it was even a stipulation. I understand how important Covid is, but christ when you’re mum or dad or loved one is dying in hospital no-one should be denied that. You could have surely put a mask on. I didn’t even have mine on when in with my dad. I was sobbing so much and was in such a snotty state that I had taken it off. Your mum will have understood and known. They knew how much we loved them, that I’m sure of. And I’m also a big believer that they are still with us watching over us. I know it’s personal but I have to believe this.
For me, the hardest thing is when I start to think to myself that I won’t see him or talk to him again. I have to switch my thinking when I start thinking like that as I can’t bare it.
@Saz345 - it is like waiting for them to walk back in. I feel like that every time I’m at my mums house. How old is your baby? A baby must at least give you something you have to focus on and keep you going. That’s how I feel about my two boys who still need me but a baby is much more dependable so at least you have that

@LucyintheSky21 gthank you for understanding. What annoys me more about the covid situation is that we were able to be with her after she was dead, on ICU. Surely that's just as much risk to other patients.

Sounds like your dad's death was a similar rollercoaster of shock. It really is unfair isn't it.

@ Kitkatchunkyplease - yes that makes no sense at all about the covid. And I think all rules relating to covid should be changed or removed when it comes to anyone seriously unwell or in intensive care in hospital. No rules should apply at a time like that.

I have had a difficult few days, topped off by the bank sending letters. We had POA and I was named on and had access to my mum’s account and all the banking post came to me. They have been notified by the solicitor that she has died and I’m suddenly inundated with letters addressed to her saying that I have been removed from the account and they’ll be sending new cheque books/cards to that effect etc and then another load today advising of her overdraft facility.

It took 10 minutes to speak to someone who passed me to the bereavement department who said “oh yes, sometimes the letters get sent automatically” and by the way you can’t do anything with her account. No shit Sherlock, I don’t want to, and I don’t want to be getting her letters anymore. How insensitive can you get?

I know what you mean about insensitive. When I called Green Flag to cancel my dad's breakdown cover, at the end of the conversation she said have a nice day, was all I could do to stop myself telling her to f**k off. All the telephone calls were so draining, having to explain over and over again that we were calling because my dad had passed away and things needed changing into mum's name. I cried on the phone to random people more than once. It just felt like we were erasing him out of existence, wiping him off the face on the planet. Been a bad day today, I've cried alot for no real reason, just hurts more today. Just spoke to my sister and she's had a bad day as well today, weird coincidence.