For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

I'm back at work today, I'm a nanny, so just sat watching TV with the little boy I look after. I really had to push myself to get up and out, I just wanted to curl up in bed and stay there. I don't know if its stress or a stomach bug, but I can't seem to keep any food down, tea came back last night, and so has breakfast this morning. It's horrible.
Wondering is I'll ever feel anything resembling normal again.

Ffs, what else can life throw at us? My auntie (dad's sister) passed away this morning. Don't know how much more I can take.

@Testarossa44

I'm so sorry to hear about your auntie. It must feel relentless.

Sending big hugs.

It's just bloody awful, life is being so cruel. I was at work today, but really didn't cope with it, to the point I'm taking more time off. It's the tiredness, it's like nothing I've ever experienced, I was falling asleep on the sofa, which i can't do looking after other people's kids. It's like I'm fighting through treacle all the time, I just want to rest and sleep.

@Testarossa44 have you spoken to the doctor about your sleep? I’m not sleeping either so the doctor has referred me for counselling and gave me 14 Zopiclone. I only take them when I’m desperate or know I have something to do the next day. They really do work though.

@Testarossa44

Hang on in there the early weeks and months are by far the worst time. You will surface thought eventually you will see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. It does take a while I didn't start to surface for about 4 months. Then I found a project and started redecorating my house sounds silly but the spend hours and hours painting each room and spent a small fortune on doing up my kids rooms to make them special for them. I really just needed a purpose. My grief comes crashing down on me frequently sometimes there's no trigger other than I just miss my mum so much and need her so much.

The physical pain does fade in time I felt sick all the time for weeks and couldn't eat. I wanted to die too and couldn't see a way out of the physical and emotional pain but with support from friends, family and cruse Bereavement I have slowly started to move forward. You kind of limp along but you do find happiness in some things for me this is mainly through my kids and my dog.

You won't feel this bad forever I promise. You don't stop loving them or missing them like crazy but you do start to live again. It just takes time to readjust. 8 months on for me and some days I still can't believe that my mum is gone it seems impossible that she died at 66 years old but I know that it has happened and I just need to keep loving her and try to draw some strength from the amazing person that my mum was.

Take care x

I'm so sorry you've had yet another blow @Testarossa44 Thinking of you.

Thank you all. It's all horrible at the moment. I'm just clinging to the hope that things will get better and easier eventually.

Hi everyone,
I've been awol again. I come and go as I can manage. But you are all in my thoughts always.

It does get better. I'm 18 months in. It's still crap, but it's less all encompassing. We're all thinking of you, Testarrossa

I lost my dad this week. Fairly suddenly. I keep trying to shut out the 'we'll never xxxxx' thoughts but they are flooding my brain. My husband is as devastated as I am and thank for such a wonderful support for my family.

I don't think I have really fully absorbed what has happened. Does that sound mad?

I miss him

@NotMaryWhitehouse I’m so sorry you’ve had to join this awful awful club. It’s all encompassing in the first few days after, that’s all I could think of too, all the things that I can’t do with dad anymore.

Wednesday was a shit day for me with the news of my auntie passing too. I was at work and was just a total mess, I took the rest of the week off and it was all too much to cope with, and I was utterly drained.

I think just having a couple of quiet days and home by myself (partner been at work) has helped, as I feel some how a bit calmer, can’t really explain why though as I miss dad massively, and it still hurts like crazy, though the literal physical pain is not as crushingly heavy as it was in the immediate days after.

Hope everyone is coping in the best way they can. Sending hugs to all

I think the realisation is hitting me this week. I'm never going to see him again or get a text. My boys aren't going to have Tuesday afternoons at Granda's and KFC treat. I'm use to going weeks without seeing him, he was a long distance lorry driver, it's the silly minor things that are setting me off like the sound of his jeep or the sound of a lorry. My sister is due to get married at Christmas.

We received his death certificate last weekend and there are just so many questions the main one being his cause of death. Out of all the things he was being treated for his main cause of death was something that was never discussed with us. I feel so so angry.

It is the small things that get to you isn't it? The hairy bikers program set me off the other day, my dad loved watching it.

My mum has left her mobile in work a few times and she panics then that we won't be able to get in touch with her and be worried so she has text from his phone. She apologises everytime but my heart stops each time and it's like a kick in the stomach. I still can't get my head round how this is real.

@MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose

Am sorry that you have lost your lovely dad my mum passed away unexpectedly at 66 this was 8 months ago and what an awful journey it is. Today I feel everything is coming back to me vividly as I have lawyers involved due to what I think was medical negligence and have been communicating with them in recent days it's like reliving it all over again. It's all so horrible isn't it you just want them back more that anything in the world.

It's really hard to process what has happened I imagine that you will still be in shock. The immediate shock passes eventually but you are still left with a bewilderment at what has happened.

My thoughts are will you and everyone else here xx

@MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose how are you doing today?
I don't feel too bad today, yesterday I felt very emotional. I still have what feels like a heavy lump inside me, wondering if it will ever feel lighter?
There has to be a post mortem on my auntie, as she was by herself when she passed, hate the thought of her being cut up and pulled about. Glad that didn't have to happen with my dad. Though not sure glad is the right word? But I 2otke have hated the thought of it.

@MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose

My mum has left her mobile in work a few times and she panics then that we won't be able to get in touch with her and be worried so she has text from his phone. She apologises everytime but my heart stops each time and it's like a kick in the stomach. I still can't get my head round how this is real.

I can only imagine how you feel when you see a message pop up.

Hopefully she will break the habit of this if she knows how tough you are finding it.

My mum didn't have a smart phone. We texted at 10am. She collapsed an hour later and was dead by 12.30pm. I can hardly stand to go back to those messages. I was moaning (about a lost Covid test) she was being kind and reassuring me, as she always did. And then....nothing.

Hugs @MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose I remember initially leaving my mums phone num saved as mummy bear like it always was and my dad started using her phone and it crippled me I soon changed it but then it's just another thing gone

Hi guys, thank you for your lovely comments. I'm not feeling too bad today, it just comes in waves. I felt really bad Saturday night and thought I was going to take some sort of panic/asthma attack. I hate thought of changing the name of dad's mobile in my phone but I'm not ready for that yet. How is everyone else today?

@MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose there's no rush x I'm pregnant overdue uncomfortable and just miss my mum more than ever knowing she's not on this journey with me or to scoop me up
After labour and care for me like no one else can

Hi,

I hope it's OK to join this thread. I'm so sorry to read your stories. I haven't managed to read them all yet but I really do feel for you.

I lost my mum suddenly a little over 3 months ago. It was unexpected and she deteriorated rapidly. (kidney failure). I took her into hospital on the Saturday, by Sunday we knew she was not coming home. She died early hours Tuesday morning.

I was with her throughout other than a few hours where I went home to shower etc and feed my baby.

I had to make the decision to withdraw treatment when it wasn't working and move to palliative/end of life care. I sat with her through all the pleading to go home and agitation. I still don't know if she had a clue what was happening to her, she was just scared. (she was in process of being diagnosed early dementia, but she quickly became a lot worse whilst there)

Me and my sister were with her at the end.

I don't know where to start with how I feel. I feel like I should be starting to improve by now, but if anything I feel worse.

My youngest daughter was 9 weeks old when it all happened, and in all honesty I've put all my energy into her and keeping the house going and my eldest starting school etc.

I'm fine as long as I keep going. It's when I stop I'm struggling. But it's not sustainable and I'm exhausted alll the time.

Anyway, Ive probably rambled on enough for now.

Sending the biggest hug for those who need it today xx

@saz345 I understand completely about the exhaustion. It's 6 weeks today that my dad died and my world came crashing down. I have little motivation to do anything, I'm tired all the time and watch tv and scroll through the internet mostly. My auntie passed away last week, and that has knocked me sideways again. Don't just don't understand how life can ever get better. I'm also terrified my mum is going to go too, I'm ringing her twice a day just to reassure myself that she's okay. It's all so crap at times.

Welcome @Saz345. I'm very sorry you have to be here, though. Just wanted to say that in my experience, 3 months is still early days. I lost my mum just over a year ago.

I was all over the place 3 months afterwards; I started to have counselling a couple of months after that, and I'm still having it. Just recently starting to feel that maybe I could taper off. So don't try to push yourself into feeling there's any way you 'should' behave; it really does take as long as it takes.

All best to you