For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@Crunchymum yes me too.im really sorry you had that dream, hoping you have more restorative sleep tonight.

I know my dad would not want me to be in this no-mans-land of grief but here I am.

@Crunchymum

Hugs for tomorrow. I have pre booked the day off work on 30th November as am not sure how I will be on the day. I fell to pieces on my daughter's birthday last month but was ok on my son's birthday a fortnight later but this is mum's birthday so I think it will be difficult. I considered maybe trying to go to the church where we had mum's service maybe see if I can sit there for a while then take her a nice present and flowers to the cemetery. I was thinking maybe a lovely ornament or something that can be kept outside.

I had and still have major guilt too overy mum. Things I said to her for example I was never nasty but I used to loose patience with her sometimes mum had a habit of calling me at the most inconvenient times. I hate myself for making her feel bad about that. I play back moments in my head when I was unkind if we had disagreements about stuff over the years which wasn't often but sometimes we wouldn't see eye to eye. I recall vividly one holiday we had our last holiday and mum was on her mobility scooter and we were trying to find a suitable part of the pavement for her to get onto the road. There were multiple but mum would drive down any of the ramps I suggested and we spent the best part of an hour trying to get her off the pavement. I lost patience with her and I shouldn't have I keep thinking about all of these times my mum was quite a complex person and I stood by her through out everything always fighting her corner but I wish I had had more patience with her. I should have done better. I want to tell her am sorry for ever having been short with her. I told herin the hospital how much I love her and I said am sorry for getting on at her about all the phone calls and she said that I was scaring her by the way I was talking so I never got to say everything I wanted to say to her. I hope that she can forgive me for being such a rubbish daughter. People say to me that I was a great daughter akway there for my mum but all I can see if those occasional times where my patience wore thin and I said things I shouldn't have said. Guilt is indeed a huge part of grief.

@MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose

Hi all, I'm new to the thread. I lost my dad suddenly Saturday week ago. I don't know if I'm dealing with it though. I haven't cried anywhere near as much as I thought I would or should. I can talk about him and the events of the last few weeks fine. I worry that the shock is blocking the process and I'm treating it as if it has happened to someone else if that makes sense.

I read somewhere that a huge part of grief is time spent worrying about whether you're grieving properly. Shock is inevitable and you don't have to cry all the time. Sending love.

Today the bank closed Mums account - no correspondence from them yet, just a sum of money paid in to my account from her account. Really shook me seeing her name having transferred money to me.

We also finished valuing the estate and applied for probate. Next to decide on an estate agent to sell the house. We’ve had 5 out for valuations and every single one has been different.

Where do you start? I don’t want to adult any more.

@Plummer88

I did all of that for my mum too dealing with closing her bank account and meetings with the care home. Mum didn't have any property to sell but I have started legal proceedings against the care home and GP for medical negligence. Am waiting for an independent medical consultant to establish if this can be proven or not in court. It's all very adult but it the last fight for my mum. The last thing that I can do for her. A bit different to yourself but you will get through this try to draw some inner strength from the person your mum was and keep this with you. My mum was incredibly strong having been through so much in the last 10 years following a complete mental breakdown. I wish I had the half of her strength. Sometimes to you just need your mum no matter how old you are. I never fully appreciated how much I needed mine until she was gone and that makes me feel very sad.

Hug to everyone starting another day with our mum or dad x

@Crunchymum

How funny *@Brillig*

I dreamt of my mum two nights ago. Wasn't a nice dream, she wasn't happy to see me and she wouldn't give me a hug. I kept asking and and was exasperated with me. She looked awful too.

I know if I unpicked the meaning of my dream it would point to other things in my life but it was awful and two days later I'm still really upset and saddened by it. I keep crying everytime I think of it and I purposely drank too much wine last night so I wouldn't dream of her again

It's been 13 months and it's the first time I've ever dreamt of her.

Does anyone else have dreams about their lost parent?

I’ve been really upset because I haven’t seen my dad. My DD and mum have seen him but I haven’t. I was the one in sole charge of his care and his will and I’m desperately seeking his approval that he’s happy with how I did everything, I tried so hard to do everything as he would have wanted. Christmas fills me with dread. I’d love to skip the day altogether but I have a young child so need to somehow celebrate. It’s going to be awful.

I hope it’s ok to join. My father - my best friend and just absolute kindred spirit died traumatically and brutally from covid on all souls day. My mother (and family) are traumatised. I will come back on here soon but can anyone recommend any support groups that my mum / us can join to deal with the traumatic way his death played out because of covid. He suffered- and was all by himself for most of it, and kept trying to call us for 10 sec bursts and he just tried to broke my whisper “help me. Please help me”. If anyone can, please and I’m so sorry for everyone’s loss here. I don’t know how I I’ll ever get over this

Morning all. Having wobbles about my relationships again. I don't think he understands at all what I'm going through. He tried to initiate sex last night, I told him no, he did stop, but then was restless all night. I barely slept either. This morning was the first time he's ever left for work without giving me a kiss, which really bothers me. I'm trying to keep myself together as he appears uncomfortable when I'm crying. I'm scared to say anything as I moved 75 miles away from my parents to live with him, I have a life here, a job, and the only place I have to go would be mum's. I'm back at work tomorrow, scared to do that, trying to grieve for my dad, worrying how mum is managing on her own and worrying my relationship isn't in a good place. It's all too much. Sat here sobbing

@basilstrawberry

I hope it’s ok to join. My father - my best friend and just absolute kindred spirit died traumatically and brutally from covid on all souls day. My mother (and family) are traumatised. I will come back on here soon but can anyone recommend any support groups that my mum / us can join to deal with the traumatic way his death played out because of covid. He suffered- and was all by himself for most of it, and kept trying to call us for 10 sec bursts and he just tried to broke my whisper “help me. Please help me”. If anyone can, please and I’m so sorry for everyone’s loss here. I don’t know how I I’ll ever get over this

Get in touch with Cruse Bereavement they will help you and your family cope with what has happened. It sounds horrific and you will all be traumatised that is understandable.

Sending you strength x

@Testarossa44

Try to let how your husband behaves wash over you for now I learned the hard way that my husband was never going to support me in the way that I felt that he should. I almost ended my marriage 3 weeks after my mum died it was a horrific time but prior to my mum passing away I was considering leaving anyway and after she was gone I felt that I needed to continue with my plan but I was in no fit state to make any such decisions.

I wouldn't bother if your husband is in the huff about last night if he's that bothered then tough s**t. Harsh I know but he's a big boy he will get over it your primary focus right now is looking after yourself and your mum and allowing yourself to greive the loss of your dad in any way that you seem fit. I often cry alone at home and my husband is in the next room or sometimes he's in the room and doesn't notice or if he does notice then he still asks 8 months on what's wrong with me. That really bugs me and all I have to now is "am crying for obvious reasons". Why can he not just know why am crying it doesn't make any sense why he keeps asking me the same question but probably be doesn't know what else to say.

I hope things get better in your relationship. We are starting couple counselling soon. I owe it to my kids to try to save our marriage I don't want them being upset if we split so we will see how that goes.

About work if ur not ready then you can call your GP to be signed off. I was off nearly 5 months and when I returned I couldn't go back to my old job so I got medical redeployment for 6 months it has help get me back to work.

Take care x

@basilstrawberry you poor thing - my heart goes out to you ❤️

My mum didn’t die from Covid but she was in hospital too, alone, and we weren’t allowed to see her. She begged us to bring her home. It’s a bit different to your situation I know, but I share the horrific guilt and pain of not being with the person you loved so much. I’m so sorry.

Ttc has very helpfully suggested Cruse, but might it also be worth checking out this group, which was set up specifically to give support to people whose relatives have died of Covid? I don’t have any personal experience of them at all but it sounds as though they’re just the sort of resource who might be of help to you.

@Plummer88 can imagine that was a shock to see, make things easy for you go for the most popular or the middle valuation x

Sorry to all the people who have found themselves here.

My mum also was in hospital and we couldn't visit. She was too drowsy to use her phone for about a week before she died so we just had doctor updates that got progressively worse.

I wake up and scream and cry and wail like a baby for my mum. During the day I find some strength to do some bereavement admin, then I stare at the television and scroll through old text threads until I can go to bed. I hate this new life and I just want my mum back.

@Ttc42nearly43 @Testarossa44
I too really struggled in my marriage and wanted to leave many times I just don't feel like he understood the magnitude of it but looking back he was really angry with my dad putting on my so much when I had just lost my mum and given birth to my first baby. He was just so angry which was so messy and stressful. It took a long time but we are 18 months on I still cry every day about my lovely mum. He asks me how I feel all the time now and offers cuddles he brings her up a lot and talks to our toddler about her . I truly now know he is hurting still he hurts for the MIL he lost the grandma our children have lost and the mother I've lost x

It would have been my Mum's 67th Birthday today.

It's just so shit.

So sorry @Crunchymum big hugs it is so unfair

Sending love and hugs to you @Crunchymum

@Crunchymum

My mum would also have been 67 this month my thoughts are with you it's so shitty isn't it. How are you doing today? x

Thank you for your messages, and for the support links. I know it only happened yesterday (all saints, not souls), but I feel like I’m fending off a overwhelming tsunami of grief, and when it breaks through I won’t ever be able to stop it. My mum is torturing herself- there just wasn’t anyone there as he wasn’t taken to ICU- they made decisions without her there, and then put him in a room by himself with no 1-1 support or emotional, spiritual soothing or presence until we insisted. It’s all awful and he was so scared of dying by himself. He was an ITU consultant back in the day himself, and he knew what must have been happening, and none of us were there until the very end. It is so desperately, awfully sad and I can’t process any of that. I just want to keep thinking that he’s in the next room and that the last week is a dreadful, horrifying nightmare.

@Crunchymum how heartbreaking. Sending strength and love.
I can’t stop crying today. I hate starting another month without my dad, I hate that I can’t call him and talk to him, I hate how lonely I feel even though I’m surrounded by family. I’ve never known such a physical pain from something emotional.
Sending hugs and wishes to all, this sucks.

@basilstrawberry

I'm sorry that you and your mum are feeling so guilty. There is always something to question and to think you could have differently or better. Guilt in so intrinsically linked to grief.

In the early days the focus is all about "the death" but that does shift as time passes. Although you'll always feel badly about the way your dad went, you'll also soon to look more towards the lifetime of love your Dad gave you. The events of his death won't overshadow all the love and joy and happiness you shared with him. The memories of his life will prevail...

The early days are so hard, be kind to yourself x

@Crunchymum I agree with you; it’s shit. Birthdays must be so hard.

I’m due back at work tomorrow and had an email from them. I had asked if I could do some study tomorrow but I was told no because I’ve been off I’m not entitled to any this week and if I can’t do a full day of normal work then to let them know I’m not coming back yet. A little bit of an easier day would have been nice for my first day back…

Don’t know whether to go back now or not. I sobbed round Morrisons after reading the email 🙄😢

I spoke to my partner about how I'm feeling. He got a bit defensive and said he'd trying to be patient, and that its difficult when I'm crying all the time (I'm not) I said I'm looking for some comfort and he said that's all he's tried to do for the last few weeks (we have very different ideas on comfort obviously) I did ask him outright if he wanted me here and he said yes. He's still in a mood though. I'm probably second guessing myself far too much, he's never been one to show his emotions, and he's never lost some one close, so can't possibly understand how shit I actually feel. All I want is a big hug off my dad and him to tell me everything will be okay, and that's the one thing I can never have. Been a crap day with so many tears.

When does it start to feel better??

My 6yo and and I just sung happy birthday to the brightest star in the sky for mummy / nanny. At her suggestion. She is so sweet.

@Crunchymum oh gosh that is sweet. Would have had me in bits.