For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@Saz345

Hello Saz I also lost my mum suddenly to kidney failure 8 months ago. What stared with a leg infection when to sepsis then kidney failure it's just awful isn't it. I feel your pain and my mum suffered too whilst her kidneys shut down. Feel free to PM if you want to chat more about it. Hugs to you this truly has been the worst year of my life I imagine you feel the same x

@Testarossa44 I'm so sorry about your auntie. I can only imagine how hard that must be so soon after your dad.

This year has well and truly been the shittest year. Its just been one thing after another. (I'd quite happily have 2020 ten times over in comparison if I'm being honest).

I hope you have an easier time soon xx

@Brillig thank you. It helps to hear that I'm not alone, although I am sorry you've had such a tough time too.

If you don't mind me asking, (and if its not a silly question) did you find that counselling helps?

@Ttc42nearly43

Thank you for the kind message. I'm so sorry you had to go through it too. It's such a horrible thing to witness isn't it.

Yes it most definitely has been the worst year. I think the only good thing to come out of it is my daughter. xx

@Saz345 yes, definitely. It's been a very positive thing to talk to someone once a week. I've sometimes (often) spent the session in tears for most of it, but that's OK. I feel as though it's helped to process my thoughts and feelings and stopped me being trapped inside my own head so much.

I know it's not for everyone for but it's been good for me.

Waiting for the cars to arrive for the funeral. Planning to try and read the goodbye I wrote. My heart is breaking.

Sending a quiet handhold, @refreshingseahorse. This will be a sad and difficult day but it will pass.

@refreshingseahorse sending you strength, it's the hardest day. Much love.

@refreshingseahorse

Thinking of you. Sending the biggest hug 💕 xx

@Brillig

Thank you for sharing, it's really helpful to know how it can work. I'm glad it's helped you.

I've been thinking about it for a while. For a long time I blocked everything out so I could function. (I have a young family). I feel like I need to process, but at the same time I just don't want to incase I end up worse - or can't function well enough to keep everything going. If that makes sense?

I know what you mean, @Saz345, and to a large extent I shared your apprehension, but I found the sessions really helped me to process the raw feelings and talk about things I needed to say. They have become the space each week to sort through those very particular emotions.

I didn’t feel worse. This surprised me too, a bit. Instead I felt better - not instantly, perhaps, but by degrees. I’m not ‘over’ losing my mum but I’m massively better than I was a year ago.

I’m not saying everyone will have the same experience, of course - if you tried a few sessions and didn’t find them helpful, you could stop. But it might be useful with a good counsellor.

Am hoping all goes well for today refreshingseahorse

As awful as the day will be, it will be a relief when it is over (took me a good week to "decompress" from it all and we only had a really small and intimate funeral)

Keep well

Thank you everyone.

Everything went really well, the only wrong thing we did was to buy way too much food. The celebrant managed to capture my mums personality, the music choices worked well, and I got through my tribute. People said we did a good job. It was the hardest saddest thing, but now I can stop worrying about it all going wrong. Maybe I'll even sleep tonight!

Best wishes to everyone on here, hope you are all finding some peace tonight.

Hi everyone,

I have just literally found this thread and wondered if I could please join? My life feels so unbearably sad and upside down right now. My amazing Dad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on the 24th September, just 6 weeks ago. I’m married and have two young DC but we have always been a very close family and did absolutely everything with my mum and dad. We saw my mum and dad every weekend and through the week. My Dad was an amazing dad, and an amazing grandad to my two DC and they adored him. My oldest DS (nearly ten) always called my Dad his bestfriend as they did everything together, built and made things together, watched films together, he took my DC all over, taught them so much. And it hurts so much because there was still so much that my Dad wanted to do with the grandkids.
The hardest part for me is that my Dad was fit and well and no health conditions at all, so it was completely unexpected and I feel like I’m still in total shock. It was my birthday and just the next night my Dad had chest pains, which he thought was indigestion. During that evening his pains became worse and my Mum called me to go round as it had got so bad that she’d had to call an ambulance and my poor mum had to do CPR on my dear Dad. When I got there, paramedics were round my dad and said they thought he’d had a heart attack and unfortunately he’d gone into cardiac arrest. It took some time to restart his heart and he was taken to intensive care at the hospital that night. I re-live this night over and over in my head like it was a very bad dream and I still feel like it must be a dream and that my Dad must just be away somewhere. I can’t believe that I won’t see him again. He passed away the next day in hospital with me and my mum and sister around him. I just can’t accept that. I don’t know if anyone else is feeling the same, but I am glad I have found this thread as I feel floored my losing my Dad. I can’t shift the pain and I feel that no-one understands. My mum is falling apart, they had been married for 47 years and my mum adored my Dad. He was the glue of our family and the main one if that makes sense. I am falling apart inside but my two DC are crushed and I’m having to be strong for them and I’m trying to prop my mum up. I think the best way to describe how I’m doing is that I’m just functioning for the children because I have to. At the moment I take my DC to school and I come home to do a few jobs in my house and then I’m rushing to my mum’s to help her and I’m cooking every evening and having my mum over for meals each night, or taking it to her house so that she’s not alone. Some days are better than others but yesterday I must have spent 80% of the day just crying and listening to music that my dad liked. And today even on my way to do the food shopping I couldn’t hold back the tears. Everywhere you look in the shops it’s Christmas and I wish it would go away.
I’m hoping that by talking to others on here who are going through the same or similar that maybe in some way we can help each other, if at all possible. I thought I’d start by sharing my story.

I’ve just been reading some of the other stories on this thread, I haven’t had chance to read all of them yet but it is heartbreaking how many of us are dealing with the pain of losing a mum or a Dad. I am so sorry to all of you.

@LucyintheSky21 so very sorry you have had to join us your dad sounds wonderful. I know what you mean about being strong for others but you must let your grief out too. Also can resonate about Xmas stuff it's so hard to wrap our heads round life just carrying on when we can't imagine the next hour without them let alone things like Xmas. I'm 18 month down the line and miss my mum just as much as the day we lost her

@LucyintheSky21

Am so sorry that you find yourself here your dad sounds like an amazing man the loss of him will indeed be huge. Can I ask how old was your dad? My mum was just 66 when she died for some reason it makes it feel more unreal that some can died so young. You miss them with your entire being that feeling doesn't go away. Some days I still can't believe that my lovely mum is gone who died unexpectedly too in March this year with kidney failure. A tough road lies ahead for you and your family there's no getting away from that but what helped me somewhat was taking time to greive and I mean greive heavily I was in that state for about 5 months before I felt any way able to feel any joy in life. Now am still greiving but functioning marginally better and back to work in a few months ago. There is some joy through my children but it's rare that I feel any happiness. Mum dying seems to have made me eternally sad.
I found talking about my mum to anyone who would give the the time of day and that let me just cry helped a lot. I leaned heavily on friends and work colleagues trying to spare my dad and sister from my intense grief as much as I could manage. Cruse Bereavement help me too I used to call their helpline number in the early weeks/months and just sob my heart out it's easier with them as they provide a listening ear and you don't need to feel guilty about taking up people's time. They offer early intervention sessions and am now just starting more counselling sessions yesterday.

I does take your breath away the magnitude of the physical pain you feel. I literally wanted to died too but you do resurface through time. This thread also helps you feel less alone.

Hang in there xx

So sorry Lucyinthesky, that sounds like such a traumatic ordeal as well.

Sometimes I keep stopping and thinking 'wow she really is dead'. I find it hard because no one really will allow me to talk about her. If I mention my mum people go straight to awkwardness or extreme sympathy. Sometimes I just want to be able to mention her without it being weird.

So sorry Lucyinthesky. My dad passed away very suddenly on the 27th September. It's been the saddest most traumatic thing I've ever had to cope with. Nobody else really understands until they've been there. I've found this thread enormously helpful and comforting, just knowing that others here know what I'm feeling. Sending you so much love.

@Kitkatchunkyplease yes !!! This !!!

Testarossa44 - thank you so much. You’re in the same boat as me from the sounds of it and our dad’s passed almost the same time as well. 24th September it was for me, just two days after my 40th birthday. When it’s sudden and unexpected I think it is just impossibly hard to deal with. My dad was a motorbiker and was all his life, he always has a big group of friends and he’s had these friends since school days. He’d actually been out riding with a group of friends on the Thursday and it wasn’t until that evening that he started with chest pain. I am truly sorry for your loss too, maybe together we can both talk about our dad’s and try help each other through this excruciating time. My DH has gone back to work now but stayed of to be there for me buy and he is very supportive but no-one really understands it is they haven’t been through it themselves. I find people don’t know what to say, just as I wouldn’t if this has not happened to me.
I’m just walking home from taking my two Dc to school and it’s when you get home on your own that your mind starts to torment you and you go back to the day it happened in your head. Are you close with your family

Testarossa44?

Hi Kitkatchunkyplease - so sorry about your mum. You need to talk about her every day, that’s my view. I know that me and my mum and my DH and my two DC we speak about my dad every day and even my Nan who passed 4 years ago which also floored me, we have let her alive by talking about her all the time and we visit the cemetery and go talk to my nan. Losing a parent is very different though to losing a grandparent and I feel lots of my friends have lost grandparents but not many a parent and people don’t get it. I also feel I get annoyed when someone texts me like a friend to say they’re having a bad day and it’s been such a bad month with this that and the other, and it’s just normal stressful day to day life stuff with kids etc and work maybe. I feel I get annoyed inside that anyone can say that because how could anything possibly compare to someone who has lost either their mum or their dad?
mrssunshinexxx- so sorry about your mum. When you say 18 months down the line and still as painful, I can believe that. I also find that all people say to me is that time heals and it will get better but after my Nan passed 4 years ago I just feel the pain gets worse by the year. The longer time goes on the more I terribly miss her and wish I could speak to her. The longer it goes, I think the more painful. It’s like a longing. It’ll be 7 weeks this Friday for me and my mum says she has nothing to live for, dad was her life. And my DC want to do everything with my Dad. My oldest son has a hobby he used to do with my dad and it breaks me when he mentions he wants to do it with dad. I just can’t believe any of it’s happening and it’s worries me that I’m still in shock and not facing up to it. The way I’m dealing with it at the moment is to keep myself as busy as possible but I worry that by doing that I’m not facing this. I just don’t want to face it though.

@Ttc42nearly43 - thank you for your kind words. I’m trying to make sure I read what everyone has said who has so kindly responded to my post on here as I want to aknowledge everyone who has been kind enough to acknowledge me.
So truly sorry about your mum. And 66 is no age at all. You feel like they have been robbed of their lives. I know I do. My Dad was 74, a bit older than your mum but still no age at all. And my poor mum who is left without him is just 69. When you think they could potentially have had another 15 years even. Were your mum and dad together? I just can’t see any of it getting better at all. I know that in time people probably do become more used to the person they’ve lost not being there but I don’t imagine it can become any easier. I’ve heard about Cruse Bereavement counselling being very good. It’s probably something I will end up needing but I’m trying for the moment to just manage.
Does anyone else still feel like the whole thing hasn’t happened to them? And like someone is soon going to say, ok wake up now. It’s all been a bad dream or a test to see how you all rally round and cope and support each other. I watched my dad pass in the hospital, I was holding his hand and yet I still don’t believe it’s really happened.

@LucyintheSky21

Yes I understand the disbelief I still get that on a daily basis. My mood is very low at the moment am back to being tearful most days now. As time goes by you do feel further away from them. My parents were separated but still very good friends my mum was in a care home. Young I know but she had physical disabilities laterally mum was in a wheelchair and also mum had quite complex mental health issues but she was still my mum and in the last few years mum was far more settled than in previous years.

I know my dad is feeling it as they spoke several times a day and seen each other often. We still went on family holidays and the both referred to each other as man and wife although we're living together for 10 years.

I feel like am nothing these days no nobody. Mum was always interested in me and my life. We spoke everyday and I had weekly visits to see her. Am a busy working mum and I have guilt about not giving my mum enough if my time or loosing patience with her if she was calling me in the middle of me making dinner. I literally feel like the worst daughter in the world and I have no way of ever changing the past. Everyone says that I was always there for my mum and I did support her through thick and thin over the years but still I don't think I did enough. Mum would akway turn to me if she had a problem and I would fix it for her whatever it was but I feel like I let her down as I couldn't save her in the hospital. I tried everything I could spoke to do many drs got 2nd opinions but nothing worked and she died after 11 days fighting for her life.

We have both been through a very traumatic event t has scared me forever.

Keep posting here though as you will find a lot of very understanding people on this thread who have helped me in my darkness moments.

@ Ttc42nearly43

I am like you, my mood is very low this week. I don’t seem to be able to pick myself up, although I am trying for my mum who has lost everything. My dad was her life and both my mum and dad are mine and my children’s. March is not long ago so it will still be so very raw for you too. I don’t think there’s any set amount of time that it takes to grieve. I think I read somewhere that you will always carry the pain around with you, though they say it becomes easier to manage. I think for me I just don’t want any of it to be happening or real. How old are your children? My oldest is coming up ten and I feel so mean because they still want Christmas of course be hats they’re kids but for me, I am dreading it and don’t want it to come. We always had dinner with both my parents on Christmas Day and my dad always sat head of the table. I can’t imagine how we are going to get through Christmas Day or if we will even do a Christmas. It will be the same for you I imagine this year too. Have you thought about Christmas? I wish I could find a way of making it easier for my mum and my children this year but I know I’ll be in a state. I think Christmas is the best time of year and I normally love it but when you’ve lost someone special I think Christmas is such an agonising painful time. Like you, I feel like my dad should still be here. He had so much left he wanted to do with his life and with my mum and I was just with him that morning before he went out with friends. I had called in for a cup fo tea with them both and then that night.. bang he’s rushed into hospital.