For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@Millshake01 and the strange thing is...you all just do it. You get on. You survive. Even though life has altered forever. Sending you lots of strength and peace. I hope these few days are kind to you.

@millshake01 how did it go yesterday? Hope you managed to get through the day.

We buried my dads ashes today, it was very hard, so very very final. Just me, my sister and my mum. We all held the box in turn, gave it a kiss and said our last goodbyes. The nice lady who did the service came and said a few words and a short poem, which was lovely. My sister put my dad in, and then we all sat on the nearby bench and all had a good cry. It’s a lovely spot in the corner of the memorial garden, under some trees, not that it makes it any bloody easier. Once we’d composed ourselves we all went to the pub for lunch and toasted my dad. It’s just the finality of it that’s upset me today.

@Testarossa44

I know what you mean about the finality my lovely mum died on 5th March this year and it still takes my breath away when it hits me that I will never see her or speak to her again. It just feels so alien. My mum's birthday is coming up and I have no idea how to deal with this. I've arranged the day off work just in case am a mess. I imagine that I will go to the cemetery with my dad and sister but what to do after that do we just get on with our day or do with find another way to mark mum's birthday. Normally it would be a family lunch with mum but there's no way any if us would be up for that without her. Christmas is dwelling on my mind too the first Christmas without mum.

We were supposed to be at mum and dad's for Christmas this year. My dad used to make an amazing Christmas dinner, breaks me up to know that'll never happen again. I can't even contemplate celebrating in any form, i just want it to be just another day, no decorations, no cards, just a few family presents. My sister is going to have mum at hers for the day, she knows how much I'm struggling with the thought of it all. Then Dad's birthday is January.

It hit me yesterday that life is never going to be quite the same ever again. I used to come up to mum and dad's at least once a month, always looked forward to seeing them. Now that's gone, I'll just be coming to see mum, and she needs more looking after, I don't resent that, she's my mum, but it'll be all caring for her when I'm there, no just having a 'nice' weekend anymore. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I've had that part of life ripped away. How can life change so much in just a few moments?

Just completed the tell us once service and faced some funeral arrangement admin. Doing this stuff makes me go numb, probably my brain trying to protect me.
Best wishes to everyone on here trying to cope with another day ❤

Yes, I did the tell it once service once the car had gone. Dealt with his mobile phone today, that really upset me, its another link to him gone. The personal stuff seems the hardest to deal with.

@Testarossa44 it seems so silly the small things doesn't it but I'm glad I'm not alone sometimes I feel selfish that I pine for her cooking she was the best cook everything so delicious and whenever I make it it's never as good and I wish she was here to teach me her tricks

I managed to walk with dad behind mum. When we got to sit down that's when I started to have a massive anxiety attack. We stood up and started signing the hymn and my legs buckled. I had to sit back down. The service was lovely though. And the wake was nice.
Thinking of you all ❤️

I had to sit down after we walked in the chapel, everyone else was standing, but I couldn't.
It's the personal things, the small things that are so hard to cope with. I cried so hard after cancelling his phone, I know I can't call him, or text him and get a reply, can't explain why it upset me so much. Anyone feel like they are wiping their parent off the face of the planet by closing accounts etc? Feels like we're wiping him out of existence, I hate it.

I keep messaging my mum on Facebook messenger but I don't know why.
I'm going to log in on her phone next week to delete her Facebook account. It makes me feel like you've said, that she is wiped from existence.
My friends don't mention it to me anymore, which o find hard. It has only been two months and it is her birthday next week.

@Kitkatchunkyplease is there a way you can 'memorialise' a facebook account? I think I read something about that.

I cried about cancelling my mums library card, she was the person who taught me to love reading books and who took me to get my first library card... its just so sad.

I'm so sorry to all those facing the first Christmas without their mum or dad.

We were just 3 months post losing mum last year and restrictions were still high (my 6yo was also a close contact and had to isolate until NYE). I won't lie. It was lonely and miserable and sad. I'm never allowing us to have another Christmas like it.

I've mentioned before that my mum adored Christmas, she was Christmas (the picture we used on her order of service and the same picture I have of her in my living room) was her beaming in front of the Christmas tree.

I want to make Christmas as magical as she always did.

But I'm a bit further down the line. Last year I spent most of Christmas day crying in the kitchen.

I think Christmas is going to be super emotional for me. I'm staying home with my partner, although he might go and see his family in the afternoon (which I'm fine with) at least I'll not have to even attempt being jolly. I just want it to be another day.
We're going to pay the funeral bill this morning, and have a stone mason coming this afternoon to discuss the headstone/plaque. All so bloody grim.

Just thinking about wiping someone out of existence. Mum was the first contact in my phone, and I can't bear to delete it. I think I'll just keep it there forever, to be honest.

I had a horrible dream last night that I went to her house and it was dilapidated outside, really falling apart, and I knew she'd be so upset and disappointed with me for letting it get into that state. I woke myself up crying.

Like Crunchy, I'm coming up to my second Christmas without Mum, which just seems incredible. Impossible, in fact. Christmas didn't happen last year, I couldn't even begin to think about it, and it'll certainly never be the same ever again without her.

How funny @Brillig

I dreamt of my mum two nights ago. Wasn't a nice dream, she wasn't happy to see me and she wouldn't give me a hug. I kept asking and and was exasperated with me. She looked awful too.

I know if I unpicked the meaning of my dream it would point to other things in my life but it was awful and two days later I'm still really upset and saddened by it. I keep crying everytime I think of it and I purposely drank too much wine last night so I wouldn't dream of her again

It's been 13 months and it's the first time I've ever dreamt of her.

Does anyone else have dreams about their lost parent?

@Kitkatchunkyplease

I have wanted to send mum pictures and messages on whatapp a million times. I haven't tho as the emptyness of not getting a reply just looms out there like a bit fat cloud full of sadness. I did used to call her mobile and listen to her voice mail but it just upsets me so I stopped. I sent the odd text message too saying how much I love her but eventually this was pointless so I get my you are messaging your mum and if it helps in the meantime there's no harm in what you are doing it takes a long time to get out of habits you are used to doing.

@Crunchymum
I also dreamt of my mum 2 nights ago we were back in the hospital and mum was fighting for her life and I was trying to save her and failed just like how it happened in real life. I've had a few dreams since mum died in March but they are never pleasant. I wish I could dream of us being happy together. Am still finding it really difficult to accept that she is gone forever. Mum's birthday is next month am not sure how to mark the occasion other than going to the cemetery but am there every weekend anyway so it's nothing special. I couldn't face going out with family for lunch it would feel too wrong. I've been invited out to lunch with my sister in law and mother in law on 27th December I said I'd go but am not sure I have visions of me sitting on the outside looking at them being mother and daughter and feeling the pain of not having my mum but I will try to go and see how I get on.

Today am crying and having a bad day I miss her so much it still hurts a lot.

@Crunchymum
Sorry I didn't mean that visiting my mum at the cemetery wasn't special I just meant that it would be no different to my weekend visit for her birthday if that makes sense.

Bless you @Ttc42nearly43. I'm sorry you have dreams too. And that you have to relive it all.

It's just all so fraught and hard isn't it?

I have a good period but it never lasts and I end up feeling as bad as I did when it first happened. I am now 13 months away from seeing her (albeit her dead body) and I feel with every passing day I'm losing her more if that makes sense?

It's mum's birthday on Tuesday. That will be another dark day for me. We aren't marking it as such (I'll raise a glass to to moon / stars / sky for her) but we all had a get together last weekend and toasted her in advance.

I never realised how much guilt played into grief. I feel guilty about everything.... not seeing mum more (her choice, I never once refused an invitation). I feel guilty I am 10 years older than my youngest sibling and I lost my mum at 40. He was just 30. She never met his child.

The list of things I feel guilty about is endless.

I understand. My mum isn't at the crem yet but it's her birthday on friday. I am going to her favourite restaurant . Feels very strange

Hearing about your dreams makes me glad that I can’t sleep long enough to dream!!! Although it’s getting hard seeing every hour every night 😢

Hi all, I'm new to the thread. I lost my dad suddenly Saturday week ago. I don't know if I'm dealing with it though. I haven't cried anywhere near as much as I thought I would or should. I can talk about him and the events of the last few weeks fine. I worry that the shock is blocking the process and I'm treating it as if it has happened to someone else if that makes sense.

Hello all I've had a wee break From MN (I was chotu laddoo and other names) my dad's first anniversary hit me quite a lot more than even I was prepared for.

I dreamt about my dad twice, both only recently. once he was a ghost in my dream but I was aware he was there. The second dream is quite blurry but that was more like a memory replaying itself I think .

@MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose
Sorry to hear your news
I've heard that can be a common reaction - self protection. Sometimes I can be like that, Other days I cry all the time for my mum.
My mum's funeral felt like someone else's.
Take care

@Whereismylatte
Sorry to hear the anniversary was tough . I'm worried about my mum's already even though it's a long way off!

@MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose its been 5 weeks since I lost my dad very suddenly. I have cried, alot, but I've had times where I've just found I felt numb about it all. Grief is different for everyone, just take it one day at a time, it's all I can do at the moment.
I had an incredibly vivid dream about my dad about a week after he went, he visited my bedroom and had Mack with him, (family dog we lost in june) it was a lovely dream, we chatted, hugged etc. I hope it means they've found each other. I've not dreamt about them since.

Sorry you are joining us @MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose

There is absolutely no right or wrong way to deal with things. You just have to 'live' it.

I lost my mum suddenly 13 months ago and whilst the utter shock gets easier, it is so very shit. I feel like I've been dragged, kicking and screaming, through the last year. I didn't want any of this.

@Whereismylatte

I found the anniversary a "good" milestone to get out of of way and I've had a decent-ish month. Then it all falls to shit again as something happens (for me it was a dream) and the grief is acute and as painful as ever.

I feel, today, like im going to struggle forever. I'm never going to feel better than I do now about losing my mum.