For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@refreshingseahorse

Am sorry that you find yourself here you have definitely found the right group and you will have good support here from people who have been through what you are going through right now. The first weeks/months are by far the hardest when my mum died age 66 after a unexpected illness and an 11 day fight for her life in hospital I too wanted to die. Most of the people on here will get what am on about. You feel like there is no point in carrying on, you feel that it's impossible to live your life without your mum or dad and it's is indeed impossible to live your life as it was before and you need to through time find another way of living. Another ways of coping with the gap your mum has left in your life.
The sadness and the longing is indeed a huge weight to carry there's no getting away from that. I recall people telling me that it gets easier and I never believed them but it does eventually the crushing sadness will start to go away it does come back in waves sometimes weekly for me boughs of crying or significant events can set me off for an entire day but eventually that intense sadness does not consume you 24/7.

What helped me and I know that everyone is different was talking about my mum to people. I leaned on close friends and work colleagues heavily. I also used almost on a daily basis for weeks the Cruse Bereavement helpline I can't rate them highly enough. Sometimes you just need to cry and talk and let it all out and they just listen and they try to help you understand your grief. Once I even found myself at 10 o'clock at night sitting outside in my car and I didn't want to bother anyone and I was beside myself so I called the Samaritans.

Life without my mum is strange it's unnatural but there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change what has happened I just need to (like you) find a way to live with the loss as it is here to stay.

I took nearly 5 months off work and the last month or so I painted nearly every single room in my house I found it very therapeutic the mundaness of the paint brush or roller doing up and down on the wall. I felt some achievement in each room I completed but on the flip side sad too as I wasn't able to share the journey and end result with my mum.

You will get through the early months and your grief will settle eventually you learn to live with it it sort of becomes a part of who you are almost like your body has absorbed this huge amount of sadness but in the meantime take things slowly and try not to be too hard on yourself.

I've had an email confirming the car is booked to be collected monday. My sister has said she will deal that, think I'd be a wreck seeing it go.
We're putting his ashes in a local memorial garden (his wishes) so at least I'm not having to see his ashes, or sprinkle them, not sure I'd cope with that. Just horrendous knowing what's inside that box is all that remains of my once, funny, vibrant and loving dad.

So sorry for your loss @refreshingseahorse I hope you have some good support around you x

@Ttc42nearly43 thank you so much for this. I read an article about early grief and I think I'm still in the shock part. Today is the funeral directors and picking out a dress for her to wear. I'm grateful I'm still in shock because it's numbing me to what I'm doing.
@mrssunshinexxx thank you. I have my dh and db although he's my little brother and so I feel like I need to protect him from this even though we are all grown ups.

I hope everyone is coping OK today

Big hugs @refreshingseahorse. We’re all here for you.

@Testarossa44 I’m including you in that hug too. And everyone else, obviously.

Thank you for the hug.

I'm back home now, absolutely hate leaving mum alone, I sobbed in the car after I'd left. Breaks me apart doing it. But I know she has to get used to being by herself, she's got some great neighbours who have told her their door is always open and the kettle is on, she's already been round twice. Plus other neighbours have swapped numbers with us and said they'll keep an eye out.

We've a few things in place now, lifeline, key safe, meals on wheels etc. Its so bloody hard though, as I know my dad would have absolutely hated all this happening, but he would have managed as he was so capable and we wouldn't have the worries we have with mum. I just miss him so so much.

Commiserations to all you newcomers to this shitty club we've joined. This forum is brilliant and really helped me in the early days when I was struggling.

I'm further down the line than you and you can take hope from the fact that you will survive and come to terms with your loss. As an only child and close to my mum, I thought her death would break me, but miraculously, I got through it.

I'm feeling sad now though because it was her birthday yesterday and next month it will be 5 years since she died. I don't know where the time has gone. Recently I've been reflecting on the fact that nobody will ever care about me as much as she did. I've lost the person who was always on my side and that's a bitter pill to swallow.

I don't have any siblings, I don't have kids to focus on and my relationship with my long term DP is up and down. I do feel very alone and finding this hard to accept.
I still feel guilty for the things I said, did or didn't do when mum was ill. And the last 2 years of her life were hell - an unbelievable sequence of events which started with a road accident involving a copper and included hospital negligence and finally the bastard cancer. That she suffered all this crap at 87 is too cruel.
Sorry for the pity party, I just needed to vent. People do think you get over the death of a parent and just swing back into life but there isn't a day I don't think of her in some way.

That's an awful lot of emotions and things you have going on @PandoraRocks is your partner supportive in your grief, do you feel you can freely talk about your mum/ how you are feeling ? Totally agree with you I know for a fine fact I will think of her likely multiple times a day until the day I die she was far too important for anything less , it's something we couldn't stop even if we wanted to, a mum is like no other, completely agree with the no one will care about me like she did or be as invested in my life. It knocks the wind of me still when I allow my head to really acknowledge she's gone forever and I'm nearly 18 months down the line

Been at Mums today and finally took her bedding off the bed to wash. We had been putting it off. Got estate agents coming to value the property on Tuesday so we have to do it really. Then we can apply for probate. There is just so much to do. Back to mums tomorrow for some more sorting. It’s just never ending.

Got home to the bill from the funeral directors, one item listed was ‘removal of deceased’ - I thought the wording was horrid. Removal? I know it doesn’t take much at the moment to set me off…

@Plummer88, What a horrible term that would have me in floods of tears too.

I've been mostly okay today, but feeling tearful tonight. We went food shopping this afternoon, I nearly lost it in the supermarket, it just felt so wrong to be doing something so normal. Is it going to be like this forever??..

Mum had been at the coroners because of the post mortem so it was when she was taken from there to the chapel of rest. Surely there’s a nicer way of saying it though?

I’m exactly the same as you. It feels wrong that life goes on and the normal things still need to be done. I just hope it all gets easier.

Managed to get through the initial appointment with the funeral director on Friday. After that I went through her clothes to find an outfit which was heart breaking. I only found out when I dropped off what I picked that you don't wear shoes to be cremated and ever since I've been torturing myself because if I had known that I would have given her fluffy socks and not tights style socks. So I am going to give them different socks. I'd rather them think I was a bit nuts then have this worry that my mum has chilly feet.

I found two notes in her jewellery box that she had written, one to me one to my db. They were from the 90s when we both left for uni. They both just said how we were grown ups now but she would always see us as her babies and love us.

I've been finding myself screaming out in anguish, stamping my feet, wanting to hit things. Its overwhelming and scary but after it passes I feel weird and light headed and calm. Does anyone else do this?

Yesterday I wrote a response to someone here about the loss of her father. How can I on the one hand be able see the grief process from a distance and yet be in the midst of it at the same time?

Tomorrow I have to get a sick note and start to arrange a funeral. I just want to hide.

Hope everyone is coping today. Wishing you all strength.

It upset me that dad couldn't have shoes on either. He never went barefoot, always slippers at home. It broke me putting his slippers away in his wardrobe, I sat on the bed hugging them and sobbing.
It's the tiredness that's really affecting me most at the moment, I just feel drained of any energy at the moment, and don't want to do anything. I've got to go back to work the week after next, and I've no idea how I'm going to manage at all.

When I went into mum and dads a day after mum passing away, I saw her slippers by her bed. Oh my goodness I sobbed.
We are laying mum to rest on Tuesday. The last 4 weeks have been living a bereavement bubble. I am getting very emotional again. I think because the day when we say goodbye is looming.
I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I've got some diazepam from the doctor. I think I'm going to need it. Not sure if I can even walk behind mum. I'm going to have to find all the strength to do this. I just cannot believe she's gone. Still in shock. 💔

@millshake01 The funeral was awful, it was so hard. Seeing the coffin nearly floored me. Have you got somebody to walk with you? I couldn't have done it without my partner. I can still see the coffin in my head, but can't really remember much of the service, apart from I was crying for much of it. You will get through it though.

We're burying dad's ashes on wednesday, I started thinking about in bed last night, and then I thought I'd better tell him that liverpool beat Man U 5-0, he was a massive Liverpool supporter. I know how much he would have loved that. I started crying then, I got up, as my partner was asleep. I curled up on the sofa and just sobbed for ages. I'd been okay for most of the day, and then a football match set me off.

It's just horrible isn't it @Testarossa44 nothing can prepare you . I too often take myself off to have a cry the shower is my fave spot I can just sob so loud. I went to see mum in the chapel of rest and to be honest I'm not convinced it was the right thing but I hadn't seen her for weeks or been able to touch her for so long because of covid but it torments me every day I have that imagine of her dead in a coffin, what the fuck how did this happen

I chose not to see dad, it was something I struggled with, as I didn't want to have that image in my head either. My mum and my sister did, 3 times. but they never saw him in a coffin, they put him in a bed, which is probably nicer, but I still didn't want to see him. I want to remember my dad as very much alive, and living his life, not cold under a duvet. It's all so bloody hard.

I didn’t get to see Mum but I wanted to. I called the funeral directors to arrange to see her but they said they didn’t advice it as she was ‘no longer looking her best’ - we had a two week wait just for the post mortem.

I still can’t get my head around not seeing her to say goodbye. My brother in law wouldn’t let me go in to see her in the house before the coroners took her. Then the funeral directors advised against it and I have to respect their option. But to have the choice taken away from you…

@Testarossa44 yes I will be with dad & my sisters. My children will be there also. Aw he would have been made up with the Liverpool score.
I have decided to not see mum. She lost so much weight in the run up to being admitted to hospital. We have just got her jewellery back. 😪
I also cannot believe I will never see her again. Or hear her beautiful voice. I have a voicemail from her before she went into hospital. Rips my heart out when I listen to her. 💔

@Millshake01 it's good you'll have support on the day, it truly is hard. Take plenty of tissues.
My dad's car got sold, it was collected today. Its upset us all far more than we anticipated, we know it's what he wanted, but it's another link to him gone, mum cried her heart out. Just hope whoever buys it, looks after it, dad always kept his cars immaculate. I knew we couldn't keep it, but gosh it was heart breaking to see it go.

@Testarossa44 yes it is heartbreaking to see their treasured items go. Mum had a little business, selling on eBay. She has all her items in boxes in one of the rooms. I don't know what we can do with them.

It's all bloody hard, seeing his stuff everywhere when I go to mums. It was so upsetting seeing his glasses on his bedside table the night he died, sat on top of the book he was halfway through reading, knowing that he'd never finish it.
We're burying his ashes tomorrow, no idea how I'm going to cope with that. It'll just be me, my mum and my sister. The lady who did the service has offered to come and say a few words, though don't know what she'll say.
I just want the pain to go away, its like a huge heavy ache inside me all the time.

At dads now. Waiting for the funeral car to arrive. I don't know how he's doing this. They have been together for 55 years. Utterly heartbreaking 💔

No words, I know what you are feeling right now. Sending warmth and love. X

Sending you all lots of love and light and strength.

Losing a parent is such a personal, insular thing but also universal and sadly a rite of passage. We all move at our own pace and do things our own way.

I decided not to see mum. We'd discussed death over the years (hypothetically and more concretely after the sudden death of a family friend and all the issues teh family had planning a funeral with no input from the deceased) and mum was adamant noone was to come and see her. Although my dad and sister did

We were very lucky in that mum died at home so after the paramedics left and the police has finished up, we got a few precious hours with her. It was so oddly bizarre. Her body was left where they had worked on her (middle of living room) and we kind of the spent the afternoon sitting around with her. When I think back to that time, I still cannot reconcile that it was the last time I ever saw her. But as things go it was "good". We got some time with her and we were all together, in our family home.