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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Should children go to a funeral?

28 replies

Beautiful3 · 17/02/2020 18:24

My children have been asked to attend their grandads funeral. I am already going with my husband. My children weren't close to their grandad at all. They are not affected by his death, therefore need no closure. They would probably like a day off school but I don't want them to fall behind in school. Interested in other peoples opinions please.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 17/02/2020 18:26

I don’t think there’s one right answer here. How old are your children?

Missing one day of school won’t make any difference to their education.

Finfintytint · 17/02/2020 18:27

Well, only you should decide. Sometimes children bring a happy diversion at a funeral depending on their age. My friend brought a newborn foster baby to my mum’s funeral and she was a lovely diversion. New hope, new beginning etc in contrast to the end of a life.

Crinkle77 · 17/02/2020 18:27

How old are they? I wasn't allowed to go to both my granddads funerals. I must have been about 7 or 8 and whilst I wasn't particularly close to them I would have liked to been asked if I wanted to go.

DustyMaiden · 17/02/2020 18:28

I would let them decide for themselves.

peanutbuttermarmite · 17/02/2020 18:28

Do they want to go? I gave my dd the choice and she decided she didn’t want to. Are they expected to go by other family?

Kanga83 · 17/02/2020 18:29

Let them decide . I took my then 5 year old and two year old to my grandmothers funeral. They were very close though and my eldest in particular wanted to go.

BecauseReasons · 17/02/2020 18:30

Who's parent? I think the issue here is that one of you had lost a parent and ought to be able to grieve and concentrate on the funeral without having to mind DC.

BecauseReasons · 17/02/2020 18:30

*has

BecauseReasons · 17/02/2020 18:31

** whose FFS

Fatted · 17/02/2020 18:31

It all depends on their relationship with the deceased surely. There is no blanket rule. If they were close, I would say they should go. If they weren't close, don't bother.

HeddaGarbled · 17/02/2020 18:34

If it’s their grandad’s bereaved spouse who wants them to attend, I would take them for her.

jmh740 · 17/02/2020 18:34

My children are 10 and 13 yesterday we drove 7hours so they could attend fils funeral tomorrow, they were given the choice and both wanted to go, they have been today to say goodbye to him. I felt they were too young 5 years ago to attend my fathers funeral. It depends how old they are

LadyGAgain · 17/02/2020 18:37

Death is an inevitable part of life. I don't think age plays a part at all. If they are old enough to ask I would do that. My mum has always felt sad that she wasn't allowed to attend her grandma's funeral as she was about to sit exams. If they are younger I would take them. They do provide a welcome distraction at the wake and I think it's an important part of emotional development to be part of a shared sadness and understand that it is acceptable to cry, share feelings and be open.

Original poster

Beautiful3 · 17/02/2020 21:18

Interesting replies on here. Thank you all, I will ask my children tomorrow if they want to go.

OP posts:

OrchidJewel · 18/02/2020 11:36

I took my 10 year old DD to her friends Grandad's funeral. To support her friend but also to show her it's not a frightening experience, as she may well be attending a close family one soon. It raised a lot of questions so it was great to iron out with her

Original poster

Beautiful3 · 18/02/2020 12:40

I have taken them to a funeral 5 years ago when they were very little (6 months and 4 years old). It was their nan who adored them. It left the 5 year old feeling upset afterwards for weeks. Although she's older now (10) but I have the little one to consider too (6) . I dont know if it's worth it, in terms of them feeling sad and picking up on the low vibe. When it's someone they aren't especially close to. I shall ask them after school today if they want to go, anyway.

OP posts:

FickleTickle · 18/02/2020 12:43

I think they should go. Death is a part of life and a chance to celebrate that life. But I am Irish where it is fairly normal for children to go to funerals and where it is expected that people show up (and insulting if they dont). If you're in the UK ihe a different attitude.

OrchidJewel · 18/02/2020 14:37

Yeh fickle im in Ireland too. OP just ask them as you say, i wouldn't then if there not keen, nobody else's business

saraclara · 18/02/2020 14:43

In some ways it's probably better that their first funeral is for someone they don't feel too emotional about.

I'd leave to them. When my dad died, one of my daughters (6 and 8) wanted to come, one didn't. I was confident that none of the adults would be in any scary level of distress at the ceremony, so we took the DD who wanted to go.

peanutbuttermarmite · 18/02/2020 15:36

yes I reckon that's right @saraclara, good to know the form of the ritual for the times you go to them and you are extremely upset.

StarUtopia · 18/02/2020 15:40

I don't think they should go, no.

Different if it were a close family member who was a daily part of their life.

Is this your FIL's funeral? Guessing MIL wants her grandchildren there to 'show them off' to the rest of the family (as there will obviously be a lot of family going)

GertiMJN · 19/02/2020 00:28

I actually think the fact that they weren't close would be a reason to take them.

I think it's very difficult when the first experience of a funeral is someone very close. This way they are experiencing the event which may help in the future if/when they lose someone closer and have those emotions to deal with in addition to the ceremony.

FanFckingTastic · 20/02/2020 19:47

I think it's a very personal decision - there is no right or wrong, only what you choose for your kids, based on what they would like to do and what you feel is best for them.

My own Father's funeral is next week and my kids (8, 10 and 12) will all be going to both the burial and the service. He was a huge part of their life and they want to say goodbye properly. All three kids will read in church (they are used to doing this so not a big deal for them) My oldest boy is also a pallbearer. He wants to carry his Grandad and I've agreed. Personally I think that it's important that we are all there and are all involved.

Good luck with it, whatever you decide x

mamakoukla · 20/02/2020 19:54

I would talk with the children and see what they would like. To me, it’s important that their wishes are supported. Grief is personal and I don’t personally believe that there should be an exclusion based on age. Death is a definite part of life and how you help your children navigate this is important for their emotional growth

Pipandmum · 20/02/2020 20:03

I took my then 3 year and 5 year olds to their grandfathers funeral. They were quite close to him, though as he lived abroad 8 months of the year not part of their daily lives. I did not take them to the lunch after though as they would have been bored. Nine months later thrur own father died. It really helped that they had been to their grandfathers before and knew what to expect.
I think children need to know about death. An ex boyfriend's mother died when he was 10 and he was nit allowed to go to the funeral, and never talked to about what happened- he didn't even know how she died!
Everyone dies. It's important to recognise that children should be allowed to grieve too. I'd take them unless they really don't want to go.

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