Meeting a recently bereaved mother tomorow, please help me know what NOT to say x

[BastardGoDarkly]

Hello, I'm looking for some advice.

Meeting a friend I havent seen since her little boys funeral, a couple of weeks ago.

Weve been messaging, and shes now feeling ready for a coffee and a chat.

I so want to make her feel comfortable, and happy to meet again, shes not seeing anyone.

Is there any advice anyone can give about this please?

I haven't lost a child but was widowed recently. For me, the greatest gift anyone can give me is to let me talk about him. Often people don't want to mention DH in case it upsets me, but it can feel like everyone has forgotten him. Being able to talk about him keeps his memory alive.

Don't ask if she's 'feeling better'. She'll still be deep in grief for her little boy and this cannot be compared to getting over a cold or other ailment.

As GretchenWieners said, let her do the talking. If she talks about the funeral remark on the flowers/other tributes, or how courageous you thought she was on the day and how she did her little boy proud.

If she wants to talk about him join her in fond reminiscence of his looks, nature, character, little things he did that made him special etc.

In other words take your cue from her - and take a box of tissues with you as you may find you need them more than she does.

Ah, thank you both.

Yes I think I'll take tissues, which is another thing I dont want, to be blubbing on her 🤦‍♀️

Start with a hug, so much easier than words. Small talk of if she needs any help with anything, practical stuff. But mostly let her speak

Your poor friend

I have a friend who lost her child in tragic circumstances, seeing her pain is one of the hardest things to ever witness. In the early days I just let her talk & cry, while trying to stay in control of my emotions, which is probably the most difficult thing. But I could cry when I got home, and I did a lot of crying.

We are a few years down the line since her loss and our friendship has changed, so please be prepared for that.

I have tried my best to support her but you can’t make it right, her life has been totally destroyed by her loss.

That's very true Rose

I know she'll never ever be the same, her lovely boy was 8 and in the same class as my dd, so I imagine even seeing children of that age, will be so so hard.

How did it go, Bastard? I was wondering if you will be able to continue to support her?

As Roselilly said, you can't make it right, but you can't make it worse either. It's as bad as it gets, so anything you can do for her will be appreciated.

Just give her your time. Ring her up, take her out for coffee, and think of things to say that she might be interested in. Don't necessarily expect her to speak, though. What she's going through is so horrible, she might feel she can't offload onto you - because what's the point of you suffering too, when your sorrow can't lighten hers?

On the other hand, she may want to talk, and for you to just listen, as other people have said.

In the early stages of grief, every second is agony to live through. If you can ease that pain, or just distract her for an hour or two, you will be a real friend. I hope you are strong, though, because it will not be easy for you, either.

If you are going to continue to support her, in a year or so, she might need your help to try to move on. You have time to think about how she might be able to salvage something of her life.

If you really care, keep in touch with her.
I am 3 years on from losing my son and very few people stick around. I know their lives have moved on, but a text msg from time to time would mean a lot.
Just knowing he hasn't been forgotten would make me feel better.

I would suggest that you just let the conversation go wherever she leads it.
My friend who lost her child in tragic circumstances wanted to talk about work, we work together.
So I would save up gossip and general chat and use that as an excuse to go round or take her out.
Many times she was under the duvet almost mute and I would sit at the side of the bed and just tell her about a colleague.. she would soon surface and enter into conversation.

We talk openly and frankly about her child, remember stuff, laugh, cry but talk openly. I don’t mind, I just want to be by her side.

It’s almost 2 years on now. I see her less, she distances herself for periods of time from everyone she knows, I still text and offer to go out for tea with her, if she answers good, if not, that’s ok. It’s not about me, it’s about how she is at that time.
It’s the hardest thing, so difficult but easy to help in any small way.

@endoftheline
It meant a lot to me when friends and colleagues remembered my daughter on the first anniversary of her death. Even her boss sent a card and flowers. I know she won't ever be forgotten by them.

Hi.

I cant lie, it was horrific. I didn't know the multitude of cock ups and negligence her boy had endured, that led to his death!? Hed seen over 30 doctors since December last year, to september this year, when he died. They all missed his twisted bowel, and the poor darling died in agony.

I knew he'd been backwards and forwards to docs, but hadn't made the connection that they were all related!?

So, she talked and talked about the whole horrible thing, and she cried, and I cried.

We talked for two hours, but I honestly dont see how I helped at all. Shes blaming herself massively, for not demanding scans, hindsight eh? And it's impossible to find any words of comfort, apart from.. you dud everything you could.

It was really really hard.

but I honestly dont see how I helped

You listened and you let her talk

And you continue to do that whenever she wants and that will be the most helpful thing you can do

I guess so Rufus and also maybe, the more she tells the story, and the more people that say... this wasnt your fault, we all trust the doctors... then maybe one day, she'll believe it?

Talking it out is a massive part of processing the trauma.

I’m going through a (much less traumatic) grief at the moment. The things that have helped the most are people checking in with me every day or two- not asking questions; just short messages saying they’re still thinking of me etc, and the people who show up (with my permission) and bring cake, or wine, and take their cue from me. Sometimes I want to rehash it all, other times I need them to distract me by telling me what’s going on with them. And I need them to be 100% in my corner - telling me they believe me, hear me etc.

I doubt it bastard

We always blame ourselves in the end

BUT

She’ll want to talk about what happened and some people will stop listening to her and will change the subject and not let her talk...and she might not want to talk to certain people about it

So her friends will let her talk and will, as you’ve said, reassure her that it isnt her fault and We all trust doctors and she will absolutely appreciate the ability to talk about her child and how wonderful he was as the months and years go by

Yes Rufus you're right, she probably always will.

I've messaged a few times since to say let me know when you're up for another coffee. As she apologised when we separated, for such a morbid conversation!?

Shes got the but between her teeth about taking a case out against the hospital, which is helping her I think, to channel her feelings.

Wilma I'm so sorry you're grieving too.

Thanks for the advice, I'm glad you've got some support

You did everything you needed to do, you listened and gave her a channel for her grief. As mothers one of our duties is to protect our children from harm, the pain of knowing she couldn't will be heartbreaking.
You sound like a good friend

I knew it would be tough for you OP

You can’t ever make it right, she has the pain and grief to carry.

Then an inquest at a later date I expect to get through and unfortunately as these are public records usually get picked up by the press. More pain for the family to endure. Life will never be the same for her again.

I hope she is receiving professional support and later counselling when she feels ready, my lovely friend feels guilt too, she has told me many times, she shouldn’t but she does.

You really can’t say anything wrong, nothing could make her situation any worst.

I am assuming the funeral is yet to take place, that will be another very difficult day for you all. It was heartbreaking, and makes it real, sounds odd but we were all thinking we were going to wake up from a nightmare.

I had never know anyone lose a child either, I honestly didn’t know where to turn for help either, my children also needed a lot of support for the loss of their friend. It is a truly awful time. Be kind to yourself and support you friend the best you can.

I have made the mistake of not feeling comfortable to talk about my children with my friend, it sounds odd but I always feel if I talk about them, like I am rubbing salt into her wound as her only child’s life ended as a young teen and mine are now driving/college/starting jobs etc. It is just so difficult.

Roselilly you're so right. Our DC were in the same class. My dd is 8 too. It's so fucking wrong, that she'll be 9, 10, 11 and he'll be forever 8 😞

I spoke to her today, shes been out and is bearing up.

Weve arranged to meet when I get back from a week away.

Thanks all, honestly

Weve had the funeral *roselilly it was heartbreakingly lovely x

Yes the funeral was mentioned in the OP, sorry!

My friend said people soon forget and go back to their lives.

We always celebrate her child’s birthday, send cards with her permission of course.

I think the worse thing for her is thinking her child will be forgotten.

I think of them both everyday, her child was a joy to be around, always had lovely visits to our home, some children you just connect with.

Just so wish the clock could be turned back and the events of that day could have be avoided and her child was still here with her.

It’s just so wrong for a mother to lose her child. It has totally changed my outlook on life tbh.