I've made a mistake- advice please (TFMR)

[middlemuddle]

Hello,

I hope it's ok to post in here. My friend recently had a TFMR at around 24/25 weeks. I bought a gift and unfortunately can't stop it from arriving as it's already on its way, but her OH has said they would rather forget the whole thing happened (they haven't told their son, and they didn't choose to see her so it's their way of processing their loss).

I'd ordered before I realised this and it's a bracelet with her baby's initial and birthstone.

Should I keep it and maybe give it to her one day or never give it to her altogether? I don't want to upset her in any way. I'm not bothered about the money of course, and I can't return it so not sure what to do with it. Please don't jump on me, I didn't mean to be insensitive I genuinely thought it might be a nice idea and subtle enough that her son wouldn't question its meaning.

Is it arriving to your house?

Yes it is

Ahh middle I think it’s a lovely thing to have done. I had a TFMR at 18 weeks and I’d have loved something like this. But everyone grieves and processes differently. If it’s arriving to you maybe wait until you’ve seen her and judged what sort of grieving she’s doing. She could - later on - want to say goodbye to something and could use the bracelet as a way of doing this. She could wear it. It could be something you never give her if you don’t think it’s right.

If it’s arriving to her I’d maybe give her a call and explain you sent her something but completely understand if she never wears it it was a well meaning gesture. Hopefully she’s a good enough friend to realise this. You sound like you are

Good advice from @KTD27
You sound like a lovely friend OP

I saw her for the first time today which is what made me panic and ask her OH. The only time we discussed anything alluding to it was when I asked her if she was OK to walk. I've asked her if she named her but by text, and otherwise she is just acting as normal.

My heart breaks for her but I just talked the usual rubbish I do to help her feel more like there's some normality. She's making cupcakes for my son's party on Sunday. I'm concerned about her, but I'll be here whatever happens and however she wants to deal with it.

Thankfully I ordered it to my house! I would really be upset with myself if I hadn't.

You sound like such a lovely friend. I think in her position I'd be really touched and it would be something to always keep. ❤️

Keep it for now and ask in the future if she would like it. It was a lovely thought. If it makes you feel better, my cousin (lives in Australia) sent a get well gift for dd1 when she was in hospital. It arrived the week after she died....totally horrendous but I appreciated the original thought...

Even if she can't talk about the gift now, keep it for her. Some time in the future she might be really glad to have it.
Whatever her husband says now, they will never be able to pretend it never happened. But they will need time to process things, maybe years.

Hey, I gave her the gift as I didn't know what to do with it and she also decided to tell her son so I went with my instinct. She loved it and cried, and has been wearing it. Thank you for the advice

Oh you sound like a lovely friend......🥰