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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Lost a dear friend 2 weeks ago - feeling confused

22 replies

tatcity · 12/08/2004 22:36

A friend of mine who I had known for years and was part of our "inner clique" died 2 weeks ago. He was 38 - collapsed at the gym and just died on us. Don't know why I'm posting this really, just wanted to share it. Have been so concerned supporting his siblings and partner and my husband who was one of his best mates, have not had time to deal with this myself. Having kids helps in a way, but doesn't give you "time" to reflect on what has happened. Think I am still in shock. Any others with experiences like this?

OP posts:

coppertop · 12/08/2004 22:48

I haven't any advice but just wanted to express my sympathy.

Original poster

tatcity · 12/08/2004 22:50

thanks coppertop, appreciated.

OP posts:

KateandtheGirls · 12/08/2004 23:00

Sorry to hear that tatcity. Probably not having time to refect is best at the moment. The shock will wear off and you'll do plenty of reflecting.

Was he married? Kids?

I do know firsthand how it feels to lose someone so young all of a sudden.

Thinking of you.

peachypie · 12/08/2004 23:01

sorry i havent experienced anything like this but just wanted to send my condolances to you,must of been a terrible shock.

Original poster

tatcity · 12/08/2004 23:02

he had been with his girlfriend for 12 years. they were planning to start a family next year. Don't know if its a blessing or not that they have no kids, as his girlfriend is now left with nothing. Thanks.

OP posts:

Aero · 12/08/2004 23:06

No experience of this, but didn't want to ignore your post. What a terrible shock for everyone concerned. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time and space to grieve for this friend. Very sorry to read this news. Thinking of you.

KateandtheGirls · 12/08/2004 23:06

I do have 2 kids and I am thankful for them every minute of the day.

On the other hand, I hate the fact that they're growing up without their dad.

So I don't know if it's a blessing or not. I suspect that, while it may be easier for her to grieve without having to care for children, in the long run it will be very painful for her that they didn't have any.

ZolaPola · 12/08/2004 23:09

Hi Tatcity - really sorry to hear about your friend's death. No advice to give, i'm afraid but hope you've got time to give to yourself and your Dh.
best wishes.

Original poster

tatcity · 12/08/2004 23:14

Yes, she's been saying that already, finding it really heard to come to terms with the fact that she'll never have his kids. They called us only days before he died to say they were going to start trying. I just can't believe he's gone , finding it hard to accept if you know what I mean.

Kateandthegirls - thanks - you obviously do know first hand, I'm sorry. Its a tricky one isn't it the kids thing. Lets face it, with or without kids its a shit thing to happen to anyone, but I suppose in the immediate aftermath of something like that it must be awful if you've got kids because how do you cope with the day to day stuff? We found it hard enough when we heard the news, carrying on when the kids are laughing and playing when your world has been turned upside down. I feel at the moment though they are helping me to focus on what is important. This is all new to me, so don't know how I should be feeling, just trying to support those he's left behind really. Take care.

OP posts:

Original poster

tatcity · 12/08/2004 23:15

zolapola!!! Hows Windsor? Thanks for the post.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 12/08/2004 23:16

message withdrawn

Twiglett · 12/08/2004 23:17

message withdrawn

ZolaPola · 12/08/2004 23:20

Hi Tatcity - windsor's fine (but noisy!). let me know if you want to meet up some time, or if you'd prefer some quiet time alone, there's still the elusive local mumsnet meet which may happen soon, info on the E Berks/S Bucks etc thread.

Original poster

tatcity · 12/08/2004 23:21

thanks everyone. Thank God for Mumsnet! I'll give that a read Twiglett thanks.

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Original poster

tatcity · 12/08/2004 23:26

zola , i'd love to meet up thanks. I'm around mostly during the week, think you work though don't you? Will check the meet up thread. Think I prefer to keep busy and see people at the moment! Speak on the other thread soon.

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ZolaPola · 12/08/2004 23:28

great-would be good to meet up after all this time! ds obsessed with soldiers since our move..

monkeygirl · 12/08/2004 23:36

I'm so sorry Tatcity. It brings back memories for me of when my sister suddenly collapsed and died at the age of 43 2 years ago of a brain aneuyrsm - she seemed totally healthy before it happened, there were no warning signals.

I can't add much more about what's already been said about the different stages of grief but just make sure it doesn't become a taboo subject, that you talk about it with your friend whenever she wants to because in my experience you do want to talk about the person lots, move on eventually, yes but with happy memories of them to share always.

My thoughts are with you.

StickyNote · 13/08/2004 08:33

Tatcity, I'm so sorry to hear this. I lost my Mum last year and at the time, I struggled to see how life could ever get back to normal, but it does, although I think about her every day. Thinking of you xx

pipsmum · 13/08/2004 14:19

So sorry Tatcity and Stickynote. My mum died 3 1/2 years ago at the age of 48. She had cancer and really suffered, she was in a hospice at the end, so we were aware when things were near the end for her - but I was still in a state of total disbelief and shock when she died. It is only now that I can think of her and smile, remembering the happy times we had. So grief is such a strange thing to get through. It's very, very early days for you all at the moment - I remember feeling very numb for quite a while at the beginning. I had never done anything like this before but I actually went to see a (very good) medium, so desperate was I to still know my mum was there (or somewhere,) I went once a year for 2 years afterwards aswell, it helped in a way but it wouldn't be for everyone. Take care and just take it one day at a time - and be kind to yourselves.

Fio2 · 13/08/2004 14:26

Tatcity, I am so sorry you have lost your friend {{hugs{}}}}}

I lost my friend 3 years ago when she was 23, she had luekemia but was in remission, then developed a viral infection and died suddenly. It really shocked me. But unfortunately 12 months after my own sister died age 21 I was numb for what seemed like forever. the shock and disbeleif are hard to explain, but I like you had children and had to carry on.

I think when you have kids you seem to operate on 2 levels. The being 'happy' in front of the children and the greif when they have gone to bed. Their was no point me explaining to my children as they were too young, so I had to try to carry on as normal. But it was and still is really hard. It brings your own mortality into question and is just such a terrible time. i am just waffling on now and most probably making no sense. But be kind to yourself. it is an awful thing that has happened. It is such a shock when it isnt expected. His poor girlfriend must be devastated

Original poster

tatcity · 13/08/2004 23:36

thanks so much to you all for your lovely messages. I'm so sorry to hear of the things some of you have had happen. I am feeling less numb now, but keep getting awful pictures in my head, I suppose that is reality kicking in.

Thanks again for all your support. xx

OP posts:

ZolaPola · 16/08/2004 13:21

Hi Tatcity - hope you're okay.
If you want to meet up, the other thread has info re meeting on 27 Aug.
Best wishes.

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