Just had a baby and MIL died the day after. How do I support dh?

[WhyTheHeckMe]

We had a beautiful baby last week.
MIL (early 50s) had been battling cancer however her death came very unexpectedly.
She came to visit baby in hospital and within hours had died.
My husband is so all over the place, as am I. We have been together 15 years so she was a massive part of both of our lives. She was babysitting our 2 year old at the time it happened too at her house and he keeps asking where she is.
This happened 5 days ago and I just don't know what to do, I'm struggling to help dh prioritise where to start and what emotions to deal with first.
He is just keeping himself busy with baby and won't speak about what's happened which worries me
Any advice would be greatly received

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss - and that of your husband and your children.

Such an awful thing to happen for all of you.

I have no real advice but I think the best thing you could do is acknowlege how big a shock and loss this is for your dh - for you and for your children. Obviously right now your dh's loss will be foremost but just accepting that a terrible and shocking thing has happened to you might help.

What are the funeral arrangements? I am Irish and the traditional rituals of an irish funeral can be very helpful in funneling some of the emotions after a death. Is there something planned? Does your dh have support from siblings?

So sorry. she was so young. must be awful for you all.

I am so sorry for your loss. Did you get a photo of her with the baby? I would keep an eye on your dh for now, has he cried at all? If he keeps it all inside maybe grief group or counsellor can help? www.counselling-directory.org.uk/bereavement.html

So sorry for your loss.

I would guess that your dh feels under pressure (whether real or imagined) to conform to sexist stereotypes by being strong and stoical and putting you and the new baby first. Try to make some space for him to step back from that. So difficult to know what to suggest though.

He might be slightly in denial. I was like that a bit over a bereavement. I just couldn’t fully believe it had happened.

I’m so sorry for you all

What an awful thing to happen, I'm so sorry. I think realistically all you can do is try to be kind to yourselves and get through the coming days and weeks. There's no right way to manage grieving at the best of times, but when you've just had a baby it's even harder. I would try to take the pressure off dh... If he wants to focus on the baby and not deal with his emotions right now that's fine, if he's doing it because that's how he feels he needs to (not how he feels he should, for others). There's plenty of time in the future, when things are less raw, to process everything that's happened.

Can you get help from your own family? Absolve him of all dad duties for another week and literally let him grieve. I think this is the priority for him or he will bottle it up and collapse later.

You poor things!! I’m a counsellor and I’ve suffered the loss of a parent and my advice would be to just leave him for a bit. If it was me my head would be all over the place and I’d want some time to process it all. I didn’t cry a lot in front of people because I wasn’t comfortable and I think after a day I still just couldn’t believe it so wouldn’t have done then anyway I don’t think. Everyone grieves differently and there’s no right or wrong. If I were you I’d let him know on a regular basis that you’re thinking of him and there if he wants to talk. Just being there / being available ans listening if he needs you is the best you can do. But please don’t think he’s doing anything wrong, this is just a process that has to be gone through and we will all go through it in different ways. It’s so so early.

Congratulations on the baby, so sorry for your loss xxx

My mum died 4 weeks before I had my first baby, in similar circumstances. I didn't want to talk about it at first, and just wanted distraction. I had a mini break down when I went back to work when DD was 6 months old, and had some counselling then, which really helped. DD is 14 now, I do fear that when she leaves home, I might lose it completely.

Loads of love to you and your family. Just watch and wait, and be there.