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Original poster

Informing Estranged Family Member of Death

27 replies

Mistoffelees · 17/03/2018 12:41

A close family member has just passed away. He had been poorly on and off for a few years but it was still quite sudden. When he'd had periods of illness before he had said that if anything happened we weren't to tell his brother who had not been in touch with him for many years. Do we now respect this wish?

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 17/03/2018 12:42

well if he said not to, then don't...

SD1978 · 17/03/2018 12:46

This is a hard one. Recently had a close relative due, but I wasn’t NOK- although we had lived together for 3 years. Family crapped all over what she wanted and did what they wanted, including telling her estranged daughter she was dying- something she didn’t want, and someone she wouldn’t have wanted being there at the end. I don’t believe there is a right or wrong- it’s a moral decision only those of you still involved can make. Ultimately your relative who has passed on isn’t going to know. It’s what you feel comfortable with.

mistermagpie · 17/03/2018 12:48

I'm NC with my parents and brother. I have told DH that if I was to become seriously ill or die then I don't want then contacted. Obviously if I'm dead then I won't know if he's abided by my wishes but I would like to believe he will.

If the brother wasn't in his life, then why would he be welcome or want any involvement at the time of your relatives death?

6catsandcounting · 17/03/2018 12:49

Maybe don't tell him directly but put an obituary notice somewhere he might read it?

restingbemusedface · 17/03/2018 12:49

I don’t know, there are 2 sides to every story and it could devestate his brother to find out that he had died ages ago and he didn’t know. Yes there is an element of respecting the wishes of the person who has passed, but it’s the living to have to grieve.

mistermagpie · 17/03/2018 12:52

But although there are two sides etc, there is only one dead person and I don't see why anyone has a right to know about someone's death when they had nothing to to with their life (for whatever reason).

On the flip side of my situation, I wouldn't expect to be informed of my parents deaths. It's got nothing to do with me and I have no right to that information really.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 17/03/2018 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BookShop · 17/03/2018 12:54

I am NC with my parents and siblings. I would like to know if they died though. I know I won’t be told because it’s the last shred of power they like to think they have over me.

My cousin died last year from that side of the family and they didn’t tell me. It was horrible to have that news broken to me from a local newspaper article. ☹️

mistermagpie · 17/03/2018 12:58

Out of interest Book why would you want to know? I know I won't be told either (mine could be dead already I suppose) and I won't find out another way, as we have nobody in common and live nowhere near each other. I'm not sure what I would do with the information anyway.

whoareyoukidding · 17/03/2018 13:00

I would respect his wishes: so far as I can see, he made his wishes perfectly clear. My sympathies, OP, I have been in this situation before.

Floralnomad · 17/03/2018 13:02

I would respect their wishes and not tell them , however if you decide to I think you should definitely not do it until after the funeral etc as the deceased obviously would not want them at the funeral .

ReinettePompadour · 17/03/2018 13:02

I would tell them unless you too were 'estranged' from the brother.

The argument was between 2 brothers and not you and the brother.
I wouldnt feel comfortable continuing another persons punishment.

What do you personally gain by withholding this information? It could help heal rifts in the family by you telling the brother. By not telling him, when he finds out it will continue the rift but through more family members. I wouldn't want to feel I had contributed to yet more unhappiness within the family.

mistermagpie · 17/03/2018 13:15

Rein that advice would surely depend on the reason for the estrangement though?

If the brother was abusive or something then the OP seeking to heal the rift would hardly be appropriate?

NinjagoNinja · 17/03/2018 13:32

I'm not sure this is something the deceased relative should expect to control after their death tbh. I would respect their wishes if they were dying and I wouldn't tell anyone if they didn't want me to, same goes for the funeral. But after that? I don't think anyone should be asked to keep that a secret. I think I would let close family members know, even if they had been NC. It's closure for everyone. There are two sides to every feud.

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 17/03/2018 15:10

Thank you for all the advice, I will read it properly later. My relatives DW doesn't want to contact the brother but we're worried that when he finds out she will get the fall out. I've suggested telling him after the funeral.

OP posts:
Hissy · 17/03/2018 15:18

There’s nothing wrong with telling a man he’s lost his brother

How easy would it be for you to get the message to him?

Hissy · 17/03/2018 15:21

After the funeral is too late and is pointless

What do you mean by fall out?

PurpleWithRed · 17/03/2018 15:25

Respect his wishes. Full stop.

ReinettePompadour · 17/03/2018 15:38

It's really very difficult to say do this or that because we dont understand why they fell out.

However I can say my db is a funeral director and he sees more arguments over people not being told than they do with estranged people actually being informed.

People do find out often through random conversations then show up causing problems. If the 2 brothers have genuinely fallen out then its highly likely that the surviving brother really won't want to attend a funeral anyway.

As theyre public events no one can stop him attending if he wanted to. I'd rather inform them of the death so people can be prepared for any 'fall out' rather than not say anything and always be looking over your shoulder just in case they find out at a later date and demand answers.

As I said in my previous post I would be really uncomfortable continuing a persons punishment once they had died too.

Thisnamechanger · 17/03/2018 15:40

We still haven't told "D" Aunt that DM died in 2016 but I don't feel guilty as DM didn't want her knowing anything about her illness and it's her fault no one talks to her anyway.

NeopreneMermaid · 17/03/2018 15:45

I contacted my grandma's estranged half-brother when she died last year, although she had never told me not to. (They fell out over their father's will about 30 years ago when she told him if it meant that much to him, he could have the lot but never to contact her again).

He sent a lovely reply full of (genuine I think) sadness and regrets about their relationship. Bit fucking late for that but I'm glad I told him.

bonnyshide · 17/03/2018 15:45

Considering he specifically asked you not to tell his brother then you should honour his wishes.

NotTakenUsername · 17/03/2018 15:48

There’s nothing wrong with telling a man he’s lost his brother

He already lost his brother when the estrangement began.

PoshPenny · 17/03/2018 15:54

Respect his wishes.
I had no idea one of my aunts had died until I had the idea of seeing if I could lookup my cousins on Facebook. They live in the north, us in the south so our time together has always been very limited and we don't know each other that well. The other aunt has blocked me, they both fell out with my mother over the will when my uncle died. It's shit but what do you do? Luckily some of my cousins are happy to have open lines of communication. I felt obliged to tell my mother of course. I wouldn't dream of having a pop at my cousin for not telling me.

Hissy · 17/03/2018 16:18

He already lost his brother when the estrangement began.

Very possibly a fair point

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