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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Loss of a Twin

14 replies

Boop · 10/04/2007 21:27

Am sorry to bother you all,but wondered if any one can help me, as I dont know how or what I should be feeling.....
My DD was a twin, and we lost her sister ar 32 weeks. my DD is 9 months now.
I am ok, but seem to find things harder to deal with, for example it was easter, i didnt take our Bo anything til today, as i felt guilty. What happens when its there birthday, whats right for me to do? It was hard at Xmas but got through it ok. I just dont know how I should feel or what I should do for my DD. We have a place up the crem, but there were no ashes, but I do visit from time to time.
Can anyone out there that has lost a twin help? thanks Boop

OP posts:

moondog · 10/04/2007 21:28

Boop,how awful for you.
Have you looked at past threads on this subject.
There is a poster called Bubble99 who lost one of her twins at birth.
He was a Bo too.

JanH · 10/04/2007 21:34

Oh, Boop

Why no ashes? I thought after about 24 weeks a baby who dies is treated as a proper person?

There is no should, but from what others here who have lost babies have said, it will be important for your surviving DD to know about her sister, and for all of you to remember her and to celebrate her as a member of your family, in whatever way fits with how you do these things.

So sorry you lost your Bo.

XXX

Lazylou · 10/04/2007 21:35

Thinking of you, although I don't have anything to add which may help you. So for you.

princessmel · 10/04/2007 21:36

Oh how sad for you Boop. I haven't really got any experience of this, just wanted to post as I'm a twin.

I think when its birthday time, you'll have to do what feels right for your family. Maybe something nice for your dd but include a visit to see bo too.

This must be so hard but I'm sure there are people on here who will be helpfull than me. xxxxx

Original poster

Boop · 11/04/2007 19:39

Thank you for your words, will look out for Bubble99. Thats strange another Bo x Means Precious.
There were no ashes as she was so small, and being 32 weeks her bones were soft and tiny.
She was tiny, so her name is Bo Tiny.
Its difficult, I will tell DD all about Bo, but how, when and whats best who knows!
Thanks for your support, I hope I hear from Bubble99

Thanks Boopx

OP posts:

princessmel · 11/04/2007 19:45

What a lovely name, Bo Tiny.

If you can manage it I'd talk about her to your dd whenever the time feels right, not just at her birthday. Did you have any pictures?

I hope I'm not upsetting you.

maveta · 11/04/2007 19:51

I´m sorry I can´t really offer better advice than has already been given. I think you should do whatever comes naturally, whatever you feel in your gut that you want or need to do. If you don´t think or want to visit her on a particular day, don´t, but if you feel it would be appropriate, do. As for telling your dd, maybe there doesn´t need to be any particular moment. You can tell her stories about twins and let her know she is one and that way she will grow up always having had an awareness of Bo and then she can ask more questions in her own time and at her own pace.

Original poster

Boop · 11/04/2007 19:52

Hi
I talk to her now, so she gets to know her name.
I do have some photos of her, and when DD is much older she can see them, as Bo had passed away between 5-7 weeks before they both arrived, thou she is beautiful to me its not a photo I would put up, not that it upsets me, it may others.
Hope you understand what I mean x

OP posts:

princessmel · 11/04/2007 20:06

I do , I think . It will be nice (wrong word) for her to see them when she is older like you said. I think it will help her to feel more like a 'real' twin and that she was once one of two iyswim. Seeing things rather than just hearing about them always helps children to understand doesn't it?.

I'm sure you're doing all the right things. You sound like a lovely Mummy.

Original poster

Boop · 13/04/2007 19:43

Thank you PrincessMel, very kind of you to say x
We will carry on and see what happens, am sure things will happen the way there meant to in there own way .
Hope your ok, thanks again for your kind words. Boopx

OP posts:

ValnBen · 13/04/2007 19:57

Oh, Boop ? so sorry to hear this.
Mine wasn?t a twin so don?t have the same associations as you obviously do.
I lost my firstborn at 33wks - 6 years ago next week (16th) Was Easter Monday.
The Friday before I had bought an Easter egg for him (for me to eat to give to him obv.) for reasons unknown at the time, I just couldn?t eat it?(he had already gone ) and I still feel guilty to this day that he never got the only Easter egg he would have ever had.
BUT ? it does get easier with each passing year.

Take each day as it comes....and take care of yourself. xx

Jan ?was told no ashes ? bones too small and soft apparently.

toytownmum · 13/04/2007 22:45

Boop. My heart goes out to you.

DS1 is now 3, but was born at 29 weeks and the day before he was born we found out that we had lost DT2 (also a boy). You dont ever forget but life does get easier - for want of better wording.

We had a burial for our loved one and both dh and I find it a lovely place to go, I used to feel guilty if I didnt go all the time, but now I still go but have accepted that our boy understands when we cant get to the cemetry that often. - He is always in my thoughts though.

TTM x

swedishmum · 14/04/2007 23:08

Hello Boop
I had a twin pregnancy and knew from 20 weeks that one of the twins had a lethal heart condition.She died at 24 hours. Her surviving twin nearly died 3 weeks later from bronchiolitis - over her first CHristmas. This was all over 11 years ago. Dd's twin is still important to her and we have a memory box, but nowadays it isn't looked at so often.
Talking and writing about how you feel is so important - but I just wanted you to know that it gets better and easier. Our dd (who has 2 sisters and a brother) is incredibly inciteful and caring - like she has double the personality. I wish you all the best. I know how many thoughts rush through your head.

Original poster

Boop · 04/05/2007 11:10

Thank you for sharing with me your stories, I have had a very hard week, and been very upset. A friend its because of their birthdays coming up, and I think thats right, I am so excitied that is DD birthday, but so sad too x I know time is a healer x

I do go to her special place up the Crem, and I look at her memory box from time to time, I look at it but always ends in tears x

Can I ask did you do anythng special for there first birthdays? I think we will go to put her roses down the dday before, and the time she was born I will have two balloons that can float away for both my girls, and then hope we can enjoy the day for our DD x

Thanks again, been a tough ride xxx
Boopx

OP posts:

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