I'm angry and I'm struggling to forgive or be compassionate

[LazySusan11]

My lovely lovely mum died 3 months ago, like so many mothers and daughters we were exceptionally close and I don't need to explain the depths of grief I feel without her.

My dad was my mums carer for many years and I'm not disputing that came with many challenges. However dad was never very kind to mum, he was abusive both mentally and emotionally.

When mum was at her most vulnerable he couldn't find it in him to show her kindness just shouted at her and treated her roughly. I called dad out so many times on his treatment of mum he still didn't change.

10 days before she died I took dad outside in the garden and told him mum was dying and now was the time to be kind to love her like he said he did. He didn't believe me he brushed me off.

Now she's no longer here he cries non stop, he says how much he misses her, how he loved her and generally paints himself as a doting husband. He never asks how I or my brother are doing, he's only ever been about himself and making sure he's the centre of attention.

I'm so angry with him, I want to scream at him that he has no right to feel the way he does given how badly he treated her knowing she physically couldn't get up and leave. I loved my mum, I adored her and I could never imagine saying the things he said to her to anyone let alone a person I loved.

When I spoke to him on the phone earlier I was quite short with him, he tells me how bad he feels, how he has no purpose. I suggested he talks to someone but he refused.

I don't know what to do, I'm torn between seeing my dad so broken and feeling so angry that he can't make any effort to at least try to make each day the best he can.

Am I being too hard on him?

No you're not!

OMG I feel like I could have written your post. Firstly so sorry for your loss. Three months is nothing.
I lost my mum 15 months ago and today woke up crying that's why I came to the board.
I still can't believe what's happened and I dream about her. Last night she was doing the washing and I took it off her saying you're ill you must rest!
My dad was cruel to her as was I and I can't forgive myself. My dad acts like a loon now. He goes to the cemetery every morning and if someone visits me he puts a large framed photo of my mum in front of them mutely like he was devoted. It makes my blood evaporate. In reality he was cruel and financially abused her and was just selfish beyond words.
At least you don't have anything to reproach yourself for. You told your dad to be kind he didn't listen.
I was very snappy with my mum even in her last days and I hate myself.
My dad mocks me for going to counselling and thinks he was the best husband ever.
You haven't done anything wrong. Be kind to yourself that's all I can say. Your mum loved you and that's all that matters xxx

@LazySusan11 first of all I'm so sorry for your loss

My dad was similar with my invalid mum before she died. He would be rough with her, get angry and frustrated. It's a tricky situation to see the person you love like that and, at least in my own experience, my dad couldn't cope with illness or weakness and it manifested itself in a bad way.

I'm not excusing his behaviour but it's certainly a case of people dealing with things differently.

At the moment you're raw and bereaved and potentially looking to be angry at someone for the sadness you're feeling. And unfortunately his behaviour has given you (a somewhat justified) excuse to direct it to him. He probably is very upset and mourning but it's different people dealing with grief different ways.

Please ignore that emoji. Slipped finger.

I can't imagine how frustrating it must have been for my dad and I accept that in part he took his frustrations out on mum, however he has always been rather controlling and sabotaged anything mum tried to do for herself. She said so often she wished she had left him

Perhaps my anger is misdirected I just can't help feeling like he should be held accountable in some way though I'm sure his guilt is enough. When he cries I want to shout at him how dare you cry when you were such a bastard to her!

I have to really bite my tongue, grief is wretched it does horrible things to people.

I shouted at my DS this morning because I was frustrated with him. Doesn't mean I don't love him and wouldn't be bereft if anything happened to him.

sorry about your mum.

Men do see things slightly differently to women as I am finding is more apparent reading stuff on MN. Yes he was wrong to be cruel but it may not have been quite as bad as you think and you are judging through a 'woman's eyes'. He is likely to have loved your mother a lot, even if expressed badly so I would ask you to cut him a little slack. I am not saying total forgiveness but it will have been a massive change to him and totally disorientating. In a while when things are not quite so raw your views may mellow a little and hopefully feel less anger.
My dad wasn't particularly nice to my mum. He passed quite a while ago but mum would still say she wished he was still there to talk to and help explain things like world political issues.

outabout I'm sure you're trying to be helpful but I don't think it's helpful to excuse what the OP herself has described as "rough" treatment, a lack of kindness, and behaviour that was "abusive both mentally and emotionally" on the basis that "women's eyes" don't recognise abuse when they see it.

OP I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Grief is so hard and this must compound it terribly. I am sure your mum knew how loved she was (by you) and that will have been a comfort.

Nina I really feel for you, these kinds of regrets are awful. It is obvious from your post that you loved your mum very much.... What you describe doesn't sound like abuse to me, it just sounds like a mother / daughter relationship under stress (from illness). We are all snappish to our parents at times, the unfair thing is that we don't always get lots of adult years together to make amends and work those things out. Try not to beat yourself up.

I only requested giving him a little slack. His world has largely disappeared, much of which others may not know. It's not an excuse but please put your anger at him on hold for a while.

I can't minimise the things he did to mum, the things I heard him say to her behind closed doors. He threatened to suffocate her on many occasions.

There is no excuse for the things he did and said to her and I was angry before but now it's magnified. I'm cutting him some slack by not telling him how I feel.

Nina I'm so sorry for your loss, we can all get snappy it doesn't mean she didn't know how much you loved her. 💐