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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Can a new baby replace baby who just died?

25 replies

fresco · 01/03/2007 12:56

hi there

Wee Cameron died on tuesday at 10 weeks.He had stayed at hospital since birth as he was on a ventilator since he was born. However, not having him at home of course i been brooding like mad and wonder if another baby may 'replace' Cameron or have you known anyone who had similar experience and filled that big gap with a new baby?

OP posts:

tortoiseSHELL · 01/03/2007 12:57

really sorry to read your post fresco - I haven't any experience of this, but I imagine that nothing will replace Cameron, he will always have a special place in your heart, but that's not to say a new baby wouldn't be very special as well. x

Jimjams2 · 01/03/2007 12:59

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I do have a friend who lost her middle son got pregnant very soon afterwards. I think it really helped her because it gave her something else to live for.I think it helped her eldest child as well.

Do whatever is right fo you, and never mind what others think, it will be very personal.

BandofMothers · 01/03/2007 12:59

I don't think another baby could ever replace him, but if after your loss you still want another one then of course it's a good idea.
Follow your heart. If you don't feel ready then wait until you do.
And I'm so sorry for your terrible, terrible loss. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 01/03/2007 13:06

am so sorry for your loss.

Nothing will ever replace the baby that you've lost, but a new baby may give you something to look forward to, and help you fill the void that has been left behind by the loss of Cameron. Only you can make that decision, it's not uncommon for people to have another baby after the loss of a child, in fact I've even heard it recommended by some. But it's a very personal decision, and one which only you can make.

Have you been offered counselling to help you come to terms with your loss? there are many organizations you can contact who can help you through this, I have no experience but I know there are some on these boards who have been through similar who will be able to give you more information.

good luck xx

threelittlebabies · 01/03/2007 13:07

Oh darling, I am so sorry to hear about Cameron

I have been where you are now, and think it is natural to be thinking and wondering about other babies- should you try for one, will you have one etc- because what you should be doing right now is looking after your baby, and you have a need as a mother to be doing that. By thinking of having another, and wanting another, you are not replacing Cameron. Another baby sadly won't make everything better, but it will address that part of you that needs to be a mum. Also your hormones are expecting you to be doing motherly duties too. You will always be Cameron's mum, and you will love him just as much if and when another baby comes along. Give yourself time to grieve and to spend with your memories of Cameron.

Incidentally I had my ds2 just 9m after ds1 was stillborn, and whilst I felt a compulsion to get pg right away, it did make for a stressful time. Now ds2 is 4 and dd is 17mo, and we talk about ds1 all the time.

I will keep you in my thoughts these coming weeks, if you need to talk please CAT me or email me stacey 4 mike at aol dot com. Take care of yourself xxx

Original poster

fresco · 01/03/2007 13:16

thanks threelittlebabies.
i am very lucky at the moment to have dd1 whi is 3 and dd2 who is 14months.doesnt stop me from brooding again though.i will email you if its ok.thanks everyone

OP posts:

rahrah1 · 01/03/2007 13:46

Hi fresco, I also lost my son, but in Nov 06... My reaction straight away was try for another baby. We have not caught yet, but we are still trying. I also talk to people on sands and many of them try and conceive again shortly afterwards. It's difficult as you never want to replace the baby you lost, infact all you want is that baby. But the reality is that unfortunately that baby will never be with you other than in your heart and there is a massive gap left to be a mother. I think your feelings are completely normal and natural to want to try for another baby. I must admit it has not been easy to TTC, an emotional roller-a-coaster and I'm sure being pregnant again will be very hard...some people say give it time, but I want a another baby so badly..so I think you have to trust your gut instinct for what is right for you and your family.

Cameron sounds like a very brave little boy, I wish him much love..

Best Wishes X If you ever want to talk just message me and I'll give you my details... X

ManchesterMum · 01/03/2007 13:56

fresco - so, so sorry to hear of your loss.

DD2 was sb last year and I'm now 17 wks pg. Really pleased but quietly pleased is the best way I can express how we feel, it's certainly a different experience. For us this baby is not replacing DD2, just part of the larger family that we would so love. Indeed DD2 will be one of two very important older sisters in this baby's life (though will always be the less bossy one ).

Thinking of you and your family at this very difficult time. {{{hugs}}}

Original poster

fresco · 01/03/2007 20:11

thank you so much everyone.
tahtah1 i would love your details indeed

OP posts:

Original poster

fresco · 01/03/2007 20:13

i know nobody will replace Cameron, and in truth i wouldnt want to replace him as he was a very special boy.i guess its just the hormons that havnt had the chance to nurse and mother the baby they were supposed to. but i always wanted a large family, and must admit allyour words and experiences are very appasing.

OP posts:

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 01/03/2007 20:19

Fresco - sorry to read that Cameron lost his fight.

Thinking of you.

threelittlebabies · 01/03/2007 22:19

hello again, of course it is fine to email me, will look for your email and reply asap. Take care honey xxx

rahrah1 · 02/03/2007 08:11

Hi fresco -

my details are [email protected]

I'm on line a lot so email anytime. XX

DimpledThighs · 02/03/2007 08:13

I am so sorry to read about Cameron.

A new baby does not replace, nothing ever replaces - but it reminds you of the passing of time and the preciousness of life - which, for me, helped a great deal.

DimpledThighs · 02/03/2007 11:58

are you about today?
how are you today?

BuffysMum · 02/03/2007 12:01

Hi I don't have any personal experience but I have several friends who have had a stillbirth or young baby/child death, none of them regret going on to have more children and I think it helped them look forward to the future on move on. They all still talk about their missing child and they have a special place in the hearts. HTH

CAMy · 02/03/2007 12:10

to hear of your terrible loss Fresco, my sister had a sb baby many years ago and felt the desire to get pg again as soon as possible. She had her dd (now aged 17) a year later and I know this helped her although of course she still remembers her frist daughter.
I wish you all the best.

Marina · 02/03/2007 12:12

fresco, I'm so sorry to hear about Cameron's death, my heart goes out to you
I got pregnant again soon after my ds2 was prematurely stillborn at 21 weeks. It was actually an accidental pregnancy arising from despair (I was 39 and thought I probably wouldn't get pregnant again as it had taken 2 years to conceive Tom).
I coped with it very badly I'm afraid - but everyone is different, and I know for a lot of bereaved mothers a new pregnancy does give hope and a light at the end of the tunnel
Here are some issues that were discussed with me at my follow-up consultant appointment:

if you get pregnant very soon, the birth of your new baby may coincide with the anniversary of Cameron's death. That might be a very good thing for you, but I struggled with it initially as I was convinced dd was bound to die too
the reasons for Cameron's death might be a factor - will you need genetic counselling, or specific medical care in a subsequent pregnancy, for example?

If the hospital has not already given you some information, can I suggest that you contact SANDS ? They have a helpline and some very helpful leaflets which cover issues around getting pregnant again after the death of your baby.

My dd is three and a half now and the light of our lives. She could never replace Tom but after some hard times she has helped us all laugh and love without fear again

Sending you lots of love XXX

oxocube · 02/03/2007 12:16

Am so sorry for you all. I've never been in your position but I did have several miscarriages before ds1 was born and was desperate to get pregnant as soon as possible after each.

Much love to you and your family

Original poster

fresco · 02/03/2007 15:55

dimpledthighs , what happened to you?
Thank you Marina and everyone else.I just try to put everything at the back of my head at the moment and try to go day by day.but funerals are next friday and not looking forward to this.

OP posts:

MusicLover · 02/03/2007 16:52

Fresco, so sorry to hear this, how awful

I lost a baby girl at 19 wks pg, I thought my world had ended & wanted another baby straight away. Although I didnt, I did dwell on it for years & years, till eventually 5 years later we decided to have another. I went on to have another girl & it was the best decision for us.
I actually felt that my DD was a gift from heaven & did replace the girl I lost.
But each person is different & may not feel the same.
I hope what ever you decide is right for you.
Good Luck xxx

Muminfife · 02/03/2007 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 09/03/2007 17:44

Fresco - was thinking of you today X

rahrah1 · 09/03/2007 18:08

I have been checking your thread as well Fresco... Been thinking of you also..

stressteddy · 09/03/2007 18:13

So, so sorry. Thinking of you and those around you. As for another baby, go with your heart. You'll know when the time is right x

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