Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My friend committed suicide last night.

17 replies

MollyHopps · 14/09/2016 18:51

I've just found out. I don't know how, or why. All I know is we both had mental health issues and she helped me so, so much through some horrific times and that ultimately, I couldn't help her.

I don't actually know what I am meant to do now.

OP posts:
Capricornandproud · 14/09/2016 20:38

Didn't want to read and run OP; I'm so sorry for your loss. How are you feeling? Xx

kilmuir · 14/09/2016 20:41

Sometimes people can't be reached OP. How wonderful she was able to help you.
Are you able to got to her funeral

ImperialBlether · 14/09/2016 20:44

How awful to lose your lovely friend is such a terrible way. She must have got to the point where nobody could help her - it's so sad. What a great friend she was to you - that's a great legacy.

Maverick66 · 14/09/2016 20:56

So sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
MollyHopps · 14/09/2016 21:05

It feels so strange, and wrong, to smile without her in the world. And it's fucking with my head not knowing any more than I do.

OP posts:
Simmi1 · 15/09/2016 11:47

So sorry MollyHops - please tell us about your lovely friend if you would like to Flowers

frostyfingers · 15/09/2016 12:58

Oh you poor thing, that's very hard. We lost a friend to suicide last year and all of his friends spent a lot of time beating ourselves up about not doing enough/failing him etc etc and it was very difficult to come to terms with.

I'm sorry, there's nothing to say that will make it easier but I hope you can find some one who can give you more information. Please don't feel you could have changed things, or that you should have done more or differently. Take care.

Original poster
MollyHopps · 15/09/2016 15:28

I can't get my head around it. I keep expecting to bump into her at work (we both work at the local hospital, she was my husbands colleague and he knew her longer than I did). She was so much stronger than me. She supported me through something really shit and helped me get so much better.

Why didn't she realise how loved she was? Why couldn't I do for her what she did for me?

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyHopps · 15/09/2016 15:32

Frosty do you ever come to terms with it?

She was so giving and kind.

OP posts:
ThinkPinkStink · 15/09/2016 15:59

Oh my dear MollyHops, I can completely empathise... I was 18 when I lost my boyfriend to suicide.

I spent a lot of time wondering what I could have done differently, what would have happened if I'd intervened better, feeling desperately sad and disappointed in my inability to 'fix' him, then angry with him that he chose to leave me in that way. Most of all I wondered why, when we were both depressed and anxious he hadn't made it, and I had.

17 years later; I'm married, expecting a child, my life is completely different. When I think about him my eyes still burn but I don't cry anymore. It still hurts, but it's a quiet pain and I look back with nostalgia and warmth for the time that we shared. I am 'at peace' with my loss.

It does get easier, I absolutely promise you - if you haven't seen them before, take a look at the five stages of grief, I found it reassuring that my responses were 'normal': grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

She was so giving and kind -it's often the people with the biggest hearts that find it the hardest to cope. There is some truth in the saying that some people are just too beautiful for this world.

thatsn0tmyname · 15/09/2016 16:02

Such sad news. So sorry. X

frostyfingers · 15/09/2016 16:49

I'm not sure, it's coming up to a year and that's hard. You know all that "this time last year" stuff? We've mostly resigned ourselves to the fact that he just didn't want to be here at all, and painful as that is we're trying to respect that. It wasn''t his first try and this time he took himself well away from his usual haunts.

It all feels so wrong and I initially veered between rage that he could have done that to terrible sadness at how desperate he must have been. I think you resign yourself to the reality whilst mourning the person they were and the person they might have been had they grown older. Sorry, that's clumsily put but hopefully you get my drift.

In the meantime whatever you feel; anger, sadness, lost, etc are all entirely normal and don't try and fight anything. I will say going to his funeral was the hardest thing I've done but I would have regretted not going - there was comfort in being with people who knew him and knowing we all felt the same and weren't alone.

Original poster
MollyHopps · 16/09/2016 09:38

Thank you everyone. In my fog I haven't actually thanked any of you for your kind words.

ThinkPink I am sorry you had to go through this at such a young age. I can't imagine how hard it must have been. Thank you for sharing your story and giving me hope that it will feel better

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyHopps · 20/09/2016 17:58

Had a really rough week but I feel OK now.

We had more bad news, that DH's uncle died on the same day. Both his uncle and our friends funerals are in the same week. I am grateful that we can say goodbye to them both.

I have pulled my head out my arse just far enough to enable me to support DH. I was so sad I forgot that he had known her and supported her for much longer. He also hides his feelings so I have made sure, with our colleagues, that he is OK and feels we are there for him.

Is it normal to feel stupidly anxious? I am so aware of danger at the moment. I keep waking up to check on DH and DC's to make sure they are still alive. Even the poor dog gets a jab in the side if his breathing is too shallow!

I think I may ask the doctor of they can help. It's not so much the grief anymore, but the anxiety getting to me.

OP posts:
frostyfingers · 21/09/2016 08:13

Poor you,what a horrible time you're having. Yes, I do think when something like this happens every normal action becomes magnified, things we'd let go or not even notice become hugely important. We re-evaluate our lives and take stock. Poking the dog made me laugh - but I get what you mean!

I don't know whether the doctor can help but there's no harm in seeing them - even a chat may help.

Please remember that what you're feeling is perfectly normal, thinking of you at this very hard time.

gabsdot · 22/09/2016 10:49

A friend of my died by suicide 6 years ago. She was a beautiful talented woman. She had a lovely husband and children, the youngest was only 4. . She was very ill with MH problems relating to anorexia for several years before her death.
It was such a sad time and I miss her all the time. I know how you feel. We all wondered if there was anything we could have done to help.
My condolences to you.

Original poster
MollyHopps · 11/10/2016 18:43

Thank you frosty and gabsdot Thanks I am still on edge, but at the very least I've been to the doctor and he prescribed something for the anxiety, which should also start helping me sleep better. I asked for help from work but they are being next to useless (which I expected really, given that they failed to help her, too) so I don't know what to do next.

I went to her funeral last week and it was beautiful, but so hard. I was OK until the hearse pulled up to the door. Her husband spoke about her in front of everyone and I don't know how he did it. That had me going again. Then walking past the coffin on the way out, I stopped to said goodbye and blew her a kiss.

I came away feeling so strange. I knew so much about her, but so little at the same time. I knew her as a colleague, and both her and her DH from work socials, and as someone who held me up through one of the hardest times of my life so far.

The thing is, she was so, so much stronger than me. If she couldn't fight this, how can someone as weak as I am fight it?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread